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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To just want some fucking help?

76 replies

QuestionableMouse · 02/02/2025 13:51

My mam is in the hospital because of a couple of things. She was taken in by ambulance yesterday. She's well enough to be ringing with a list of stuff she wants.

My dad has been told he's no longer allowed to drive because of seizures.

My sister has refused to help today because she has "stuff to do in the house" and her ex is dropping the kids back off this evening. There was plenty of time to do what needed to be done.

I have a migraine (and they'd been so bad I had a MRI a couple of weeks ago) but they're all expecting me to do everything. My dad hadn't packed a single thing for mam. I've just had to pack everything. The hospital is a good 20min drive away and to be honest I just feel like crying.

OP posts:
rainythursdayontheavenue · 02/02/2025 13:53

Message your Dad that you're too poorly yourself and he'll need to get a taxi home or the bus. Or ring your sister. Don't give in. They're dumping it on you because they know they can. Then put your phone on silent or turn it off.

Hope you feel better soon.

Savemefromwetdog · 02/02/2025 13:54

Who is she ringing with a list of things to bring, is she ringing you?

Is there a reason they don’t want to help her - is she difficult generally?

Yanbu to want help but if it’s realistically not going to come, not sure what you can do. Your DH should be able to get a taxi

LittleRedRidingHoody · 02/02/2025 13:54

No suggestions but sending a big hug! I'm in the same situation with a disabled DM and although my siblings are 'creating healthy boundaries' and 'protecting their mental health' it does fuck all for me whilst trying to juggle everything 😂

Can you not say to your dad in future 'oh, I'll swing round for the bag but can you make sure it's packed and bring it out' or something along those lines?

jeaux90 · 02/02/2025 13:54

What has your dad not driving got to do with him being totally incompetent and expecting you to do it!

Say no, he can get a taxi or bus with her things.

Trallia · 02/02/2025 13:55

I'm sorry, that sounds like a toigh few days. Other posters will have more helpful advice for managing your relatives, but I didn't want to read and not day that it's okay to feel taken for granted, taken advantage of, and worn out.

When the immediate crisis is past, will be the time to think about how to get some rest and put yourself first. But can you find a good treat for yourself while picking things up for your mum?

1smallhamsterfoot · 02/02/2025 13:55

Just... Don't do it?

Original poster
QuestionableMouse · 02/02/2025 13:56

jeaux90 · 02/02/2025 13:54

What has your dad not driving got to do with him being totally incompetent and expecting you to do it!

Say no, he can get a taxi or bus with her things.

He really can't unfortunately. He gets very muddled and confused to the point where he's not safe getting a bus to another town then navigating his way around a large hospital.

But he could have packed her bag for me.

OP posts:
Original poster
QuestionableMouse · 02/02/2025 13:58

Savemefromwetdog · 02/02/2025 13:54

Who is she ringing with a list of things to bring, is she ringing you?

Is there a reason they don’t want to help her - is she difficult generally?

Yanbu to want help but if it’s realistically not going to come, not sure what you can do. Your DH should be able to get a taxi

Yes me. It's always me.

Not difficult at all - dad is unwell himself and has never coped well with this sort of thing.

No fucking idea what's wrong with my sister but she always managed to dodge any sort of responsibility for our parents!

OP posts:
Original poster
QuestionableMouse · 02/02/2025 13:58

1smallhamsterfoot · 02/02/2025 13:55

Just... Don't do it?

She needs the stuff unfortunately.

OP posts:
VeneziaJ · 02/02/2025 14:01

QuestionableMouse · 02/02/2025 13:56

He really can't unfortunately. He gets very muddled and confused to the point where he's not safe getting a bus to another town then navigating his way around a large hospital.

But he could have packed her bag for me.

Show quote history

Does your father have dementia? Getting that muddled and confused at a journey and walking round a hospital sounds concerning! Also Sounds like it might be time to look at adult social care and see what support they might offer your parents, especially if your mum is likely to need help on discharge.

Coconutter24 · 02/02/2025 14:13

Have you already taken the stuff?

Original poster
QuestionableMouse · 02/02/2025 15:58

VeneziaJ · 02/02/2025 14:01

Does your father have dementia? Getting that muddled and confused at a journey and walking round a hospital sounds concerning! Also Sounds like it might be time to look at adult social care and see what support they might offer your parents, especially if your mum is likely to need help on discharge.

Show quote history

No formal diagnosis but it's in progress.

Am at the hospital now.

OP posts:
Spurber · 02/02/2025 16:00

QuestionableMouse · 02/02/2025 13:58

She needs the stuff unfortunately.

Show quote history

You're not safe to drive with a migraine

BeachRide · 02/02/2025 16:22

OP, Just say no. If your sister can say it, why can't you? Drop the rope - they'll manage if they have to.

Flossflower · 02/02/2025 16:25

Your mother does not need anything at the hospital. They will provide clean nightie and disposable pants. Any meds will be provided at the hospital. You cannot drive if you have a migraine.

caringcarer · 02/02/2025 16:42

Don't drive with a migraine get a taxi.

Motherofdragons24 · 02/02/2025 16:43

If it was me I would do it and then make it clear it’s your sisters turn tomorrow or the next day. To be fair she only went in to hospital yesterday and she has three members of immediate family, you, your sister and your dad, so one of you should sort stuff for her, why does it need to be you? But also why not you? Do it this time and it’s someone else’s turn next time. No your mum doesn’t “need” anything in hospital but if she is not incapacitated or unconscious it’s certainly nice to have some things to make the stay more comfortable. Unless there’s a massive drip feed and you don’t generally get along and she’s a difficult person, I would think most daughters would want to help their unwell mum. It’s actually quite sad that you are all squabbling about who has to pack a few things and visit your mum/wife in hospital, I hope my kids think more highly of me when I need them!

Sunshine1500 · 02/02/2025 16:50

How sad, your poor mum. I suffer with migraines and can’t drive but if I couldnt drive I also wouldn’t be able to start an online thread on mumset. So hopefully you’ll be okay for the drive.
an hour out your day to see you mum in hospital is really is just being a decent person, your not going above and beyond. Your sister is being unreasonable not driving there as you have a migraine.

JMSA · 02/02/2025 16:55

I'm sorry you're feeling unwell and having a hard time Flowers
But is driving 20 minutes to the hospital with a bag for your mum really such a big ask?
Unless I'm missing something, of course ...
I do sympathise though. My teens have triggered me to my core today. I've just had a Tesco shopping delivered and one has dug through the crates to pick out what she needs, rather than take the whole thing through to the kitchen. Selfish doesn't even cover it.
Sorry OP, I'm just in a stinkingly bad mood! Xx

WhenTheyComeForYou · 02/02/2025 16:58

Your poor mum. It’s time like this you all need to be doing what you can to support her. If it’s you today, ask your sister tomorrow/next time.

Original poster
QuestionableMouse · 02/02/2025 17:26

Flossflower · 02/02/2025 16:25

Your mother does not need anything at the hospital. They will provide clean nightie and disposable pants. Any meds will be provided at the hospital. You cannot drive if you have a migraine.

Unfortunately she needed a diabetic sensor that they didn't have available. I'm home now thank god. Going to take my sumitriprin and have a nap.

Sister has already told me she's not taking time off work. In addition to looking after my mam and dad I do after-school childcare for my sister five nia week, including taking the boys to their club. All I wanted was a tiny bit of help today.

OP posts:
WhenTheyComeForYou · 02/02/2025 17:36

QuestionableMouse · 02/02/2025 17:26

Unfortunately she needed a diabetic sensor that they didn't have available. I'm home now thank god. Going to take my sumitriprin and have a nap.

Sister has already told me she's not taking time off work. In addition to looking after my mam and dad I do after-school childcare for my sister five nia week, including taking the boys to their club. All I wanted was a tiny bit of help today.

Show quote history

Your sister sounds charming. Does she have a fractured relationship with your parents? I can’t see how a daughter with a good relationship with her own mum would react like this to her going into hospital!

User67556 · 02/02/2025 17:39

QuestionableMouse · 02/02/2025 17:26

Unfortunately she needed a diabetic sensor that they didn't have available. I'm home now thank god. Going to take my sumitriprin and have a nap.

Sister has already told me she's not taking time off work. In addition to looking after my mam and dad I do after-school childcare for my sister five nia week, including taking the boys to their club. All I wanted was a tiny bit of help today.

Show quote history

Well stop doing that straight away. Stop being a doormat.

Original poster
QuestionableMouse · 02/02/2025 17:39

JMSA · 02/02/2025 16:55

I'm sorry you're feeling unwell and having a hard time Flowers
But is driving 20 minutes to the hospital with a bag for your mum really such a big ask?
Unless I'm missing something, of course ...
I do sympathise though. My teens have triggered me to my core today. I've just had a Tesco shopping delivered and one has dug through the crates to pick out what she needs, rather than take the whole thing through to the kitchen. Selfish doesn't even cover it.
Sorry OP, I'm just in a stinkingly bad mood! Xx

On a normal day, no. But today with a migraine it felt very hard.

OP posts:
betterchoices · 02/02/2025 17:43

The issue is not you or your sister or your dad. It’s your mum. She’s clearly able to formulate a list of things she wants so why did she not have a hospital bag packed ready to grab ? If she has health issues anyway this is the sensible thing to do yet she’s causing irritation between everyone else , making demands and having no personal responsibility. Your sister likely has realised this and has set boundaries .

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