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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To just want some fucking help?

76 replies

QuestionableMouse · 02/02/2025 13:51

My mam is in the hospital because of a couple of things. She was taken in by ambulance yesterday. She's well enough to be ringing with a list of stuff she wants.

My dad has been told he's no longer allowed to drive because of seizures.

My sister has refused to help today because she has "stuff to do in the house" and her ex is dropping the kids back off this evening. There was plenty of time to do what needed to be done.

I have a migraine (and they'd been so bad I had a MRI a couple of weeks ago) but they're all expecting me to do everything. My dad hadn't packed a single thing for mam. I've just had to pack everything. The hospital is a good 20min drive away and to be honest I just feel like crying.

OP posts:
Bruisername · 02/02/2025 18:30

Does your sister pay you for the childcare? If not then I would knock it on the head and say the kids have 2 healthy parents and you have your own kids (do you?) and unhealthy parents that she has decided are your responsibility

she will try and guilt you but you have to put your health first

pestowithwalnuts · 02/02/2025 18:30

Why are you doing child care for your sister?
I bet you don't get paid for doing it.
If you look after her kids then you can't go to the hospital .someone else will have to go.

Gcsunnyside23 · 02/02/2025 18:33

Your sister is way too used to dumping on you, does she even pay you for childcare? I'd tell her you're too ill to help her anymore as you can't do it all and she won't help with your parents then you've no choice

Purplebunnie · 02/02/2025 18:33

Lindy2 · 02/02/2025 18:01

You tell your sister that while your mum is in hospital and you're visiting her and taking her the stuff she needs, then you won't be able to do the usual childcare. She'll need to find alternative arrangements for at least the next week.

Your dad's health and your mum's health can't be helped.

Your sister's selfish attitude can.

You can't do it all.

Couldn't have put it better myself. Your sister can't have it all.

I'd also be scaling back the after school care when your mom is out of hospital, Your sister is taking liberties

PlacidPenelope · 02/02/2025 18:39

In addition to looking after my mam and dad I do after-school childcare for my sister five nia week, including taking the boys to their club. All I wanted was a tiny bit of help today.

You need to stop this and tell your sister that as she is not willing to help you when you need it you are no longer willing to help her.

Stand up for yourself, no-one else will.

Elsvieta · 02/02/2025 18:58

QuestionableMouse · 02/02/2025 17:26

Unfortunately she needed a diabetic sensor that they didn't have available. I'm home now thank god. Going to take my sumitriprin and have a nap.

Sister has already told me she's not taking time off work. In addition to looking after my mam and dad I do after-school childcare for my sister five nia week, including taking the boys to their club. All I wanted was a tiny bit of help today.

Show quote history

Childcare for your sister???

Please tell me you won't be doing that any more.

BiddyPop · 02/02/2025 19:02

If you did the running around today and tomorrow will likely have more to do - I would be unavailable for afterschool care for DNephews, and land that back in DSis lap to sort childcare for her own DCs at least.

Floralnomad · 02/02/2025 19:07

It sounds like your dad is really incapable of doing much but I’d be calling your sister and telling her that after tomorrow she needs to make different arrangements for her kids because you can’t have them and be dealing with your dad whilst your mums in hospital . That gives her until Tuesday afternoon to have sorted something .

bugalugs45 · 02/02/2025 19:54

WhatWouldHopperDo · 02/02/2025 17:51

In view of your update saying you look after DSis children she’s got a liberty refusing to help.

I hope your Mum is ok and I hope you feel better soon 💐

Exactly this ! Would I fuck be looking after her kids after that ? Not a chance in hell and I'd tell her why !

TheEllisGreyMethod · 02/02/2025 20:25

It sounds really tough, but, and I mean this gently, your dad does not sound in a position to help your mum at all.
It sounds like both your parents are going to need you a lot in the coming weeks. I think something might need to give and I would suggest your sister sources alternative childcare - she won't help your parents and you are, so she can sort her own kids. Something has to give and you need to look after yourself too.

MissUltraViolet · 02/02/2025 20:36

OP, you're drowning and you're doing nothing to save yourself.

Sounds like your dad can't help and it wouldn't be safe if he tried, so take him out of the equation.

Your sister can help, but won't. The easy fix here is that you tell her that due to your parents needing extra care now and it falling solely to you, you're no longer able to help her with childcare and she needs to sort it herself. You can give her a weeks notice, if you're feeling really nice, but I wouldn't.

Wolfhat · 02/02/2025 20:37

Im so sorry youre going through this. Absolutely your parents maybe are at the time that they need their family but the gall of your sister! Id be ending you babysitting for her right now. "Sorry as the additional work of our parents is on me clearly, i cannot commit to any further babysitting starting tomorrow"

KTheGrey · 02/02/2025 20:44

If you are doing your sister’s child care 5 nights a week she has to do her share when your parents are ill. Fair exchange.

Codlingmoths · 02/02/2025 20:45

I’d tell my sister I simply can’t handle everything and as of today you can’t do after school childcare for her kids so she will have to work something out. Let her scramble op, and stop taking all your help for granted.

YourOwnPersonalCheeses · 02/02/2025 20:56

QuestionableMouse · 02/02/2025 17:44

Because dad's not really capable (he's 80 and we nearly lost him in November when he collapsed and was having seizures they were struggling to control) and my sister apparently isn't willing to help atm. So that leaves me and today I'm struggling.

Show quote history

Struggling with what, though? Your mother is in a hospital 20 minutes awsy. That’s a higher distance than many people drive to work every day. It’s not far. Surely you’d be going to visit her anyway? Do how much extra effort is it to take her a few items? I hope my children (if I had any) would do that for me in my hour of need. From your previous posts it looks like you don’t work. You look after your sister’s children a couple of hours a week. If anyone needs some help it’s your sister who works and is a single parent. Unless there’s a big drip feed that you’ve got no arms and legs I don’t know what could be such a struggle. I’d happily take my mother everything she needs and some extras. Who wants to be in a hospital gown and paper pants? Who else was your mother supposed to ask? Your father is not able to do this. Your sister has young children to care for.

Migraine hasn’t stopped you posting on here and other threads today so it can’t be that bad. Just be an adult about this.

YourOwnPersonalCheeses · 02/02/2025 21:07

I’m just wondering how this thread would go if the sister posted on here. “I’m a single parent and work full-time. My sister is childless and doesn’t work. She looks after my children after school for a few hours until I get home from work. My dad has some form of dementia and can’t drive or do things like go shopping on his own. My mum is in hospital and needs a few things. My sister lives 20 minutes from the hospital and went to the hospital with the things - after much protesting and complaining. Now she’s saying she’s done enough and won’t be looking after my children any more (because people on Mumsnet told her not to) which leaves me with no childcare and punishes my children in that the aunt, whom they love, no longer wants to babysit them because of something that’s nothing to do with them and now a stranger will have to look after them because I can’t afford to not work.”

saltinesandcoffeecups · 02/02/2025 21:09

YourOwnPersonalCheeses · 02/02/2025 20:56

Struggling with what, though? Your mother is in a hospital 20 minutes awsy. That’s a higher distance than many people drive to work every day. It’s not far. Surely you’d be going to visit her anyway? Do how much extra effort is it to take her a few items? I hope my children (if I had any) would do that for me in my hour of need. From your previous posts it looks like you don’t work. You look after your sister’s children a couple of hours a week. If anyone needs some help it’s your sister who works and is a single parent. Unless there’s a big drip feed that you’ve got no arms and legs I don’t know what could be such a struggle. I’d happily take my mother everything she needs and some extras. Who wants to be in a hospital gown and paper pants? Who else was your mother supposed to ask? Your father is not able to do this. Your sister has young children to care for.

Migraine hasn’t stopped you posting on here and other threads today so it can’t be that bad. Just be an adult about this.

Show quote history

And I thought I was a hard ass.

You wouldn’t be the OP’s sister by chance?

Bruisername · 02/02/2025 21:11

Tbf, we don’t know what OP does all day. If not working and in reasonably good health then it’s a slightly different story. Not saying she should do everything for the parents and definitely shouldn’t be driving with a migraine so sis is going to have to step up as well but perhaps it’s a discussion rather than a war

Sunshine1500 · 02/02/2025 21:59

Lindy2 · 02/02/2025 18:01

You tell your sister that while your mum is in hospital and you're visiting her and taking her the stuff she needs, then you won't be able to do the usual childcare. She'll need to find alternative arrangements for at least the next week.

Your dad's health and your mum's health can't be helped.

Your sister's selfish attitude can.

You can't do it all.

I agree with this

Sunshine1500 · 02/02/2025 22:03

Just seen sister is working and can’t take time off.. well if you’re not working you will need to help your mum more than your sister.

Yellowtulipsdancing · 02/02/2025 22:06

Does your sister pay you to have her kids 5 nights a week?

if not that is an easy solution.
you cannot do that role anymore as have a confused dad to care for and a mum in hospital. As she chose today to not help, you with immediate affect cannot do her free childcare tomorrow.

she will have to pay for it for now on.

she made her priorities very clear today.

if you have to do everything for patents you need to not look after her children. No motive, stop immediately.

BarbieGirlInABarbieWorld · 02/02/2025 22:10

Why on earth are you doing care for your sister 5 nights a week?
Say no, and when she asks why, reply that if she’s allowed to opt out of helping your mother, you are going to opt out of helping her 🤷‍♀️

maryberryslayers · 02/02/2025 22:13

Sorry, am I missing something @QuestionableMouse? You look after your sister's kids 5 nights per week and she won't even help you when you are unwell? Does she pay you to look after her kids? Do you want to look after her kids?

Personally I'd be giving her a week's notice to find alternative childcare. Don't be a doormat, particularly for someone who clearly cares very little about you.

healthybychristmas · 03/02/2025 00:05

I am really shocked at how horrible people are being on here. They are just as horrible as your sister. Your poor mum in hospital and your poor dad must be panicking. I hope everything works out well.

Does your sister pay you to do the childcare?

EliflurtleAndTheInfiniteMadness · 03/02/2025 00:10

QuestionableMouse · 02/02/2025 17:26

Unfortunately she needed a diabetic sensor that they didn't have available. I'm home now thank god. Going to take my sumitriprin and have a nap.

Sister has already told me she's not taking time off work. In addition to looking after my mam and dad I do after-school childcare for my sister five nia week, including taking the boys to their club. All I wanted was a tiny bit of help today.

Show quote history

Does she pay you? I expect the answers no. If your parents are having increasing support needs I'd be making it clear to sister that she either steps up and does half or you'll have to stop minding her boys. You don't have time and energy to do everything, so if something has to give make it the support that you give your sister. As long as she doesn't do anything just as big to support you.