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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To just want some fucking help?

76 replies

QuestionableMouse · 02/02/2025 13:51

My mam is in the hospital because of a couple of things. She was taken in by ambulance yesterday. She's well enough to be ringing with a list of stuff she wants.

My dad has been told he's no longer allowed to drive because of seizures.

My sister has refused to help today because she has "stuff to do in the house" and her ex is dropping the kids back off this evening. There was plenty of time to do what needed to be done.

I have a migraine (and they'd been so bad I had a MRI a couple of weeks ago) but they're all expecting me to do everything. My dad hadn't packed a single thing for mam. I've just had to pack everything. The hospital is a good 20min drive away and to be honest I just feel like crying.

OP posts:
Original poster
QuestionableMouse · 02/02/2025 17:44

Motherofdragons24 · 02/02/2025 16:43

If it was me I would do it and then make it clear it’s your sisters turn tomorrow or the next day. To be fair she only went in to hospital yesterday and she has three members of immediate family, you, your sister and your dad, so one of you should sort stuff for her, why does it need to be you? But also why not you? Do it this time and it’s someone else’s turn next time. No your mum doesn’t “need” anything in hospital but if she is not incapacitated or unconscious it’s certainly nice to have some things to make the stay more comfortable. Unless there’s a massive drip feed and you don’t generally get along and she’s a difficult person, I would think most daughters would want to help their unwell mum. It’s actually quite sad that you are all squabbling about who has to pack a few things and visit your mum/wife in hospital, I hope my kids think more highly of me when I need them!

Because dad's not really capable (he's 80 and we nearly lost him in November when he collapsed and was having seizures they were struggling to control) and my sister apparently isn't willing to help atm. So that leaves me and today I'm struggling.

OP posts:
WhatWouldHopperDo · 02/02/2025 17:51

In view of your update saying you look after DSis children she’s got a liberty refusing to help.

I hope your Mum is ok and I hope you feel better soon 💐

TomatoSandwiches · 02/02/2025 17:51

Stop doing your ungrateful sister any favours, she can either help out fairly or you take it on and she can sort out alternative help for herself.
What a selfish cow, sorry op, hope you get some good sleep.

Viviennemary · 02/02/2025 17:53

Your mum can do without her list of wants. She will get food and be looked after.

JimHalpertsWife · 02/02/2025 17:53

Everyone else is saying they can't. You need to just say you can't.

JimHalpertsWife · 02/02/2025 17:54

Yes me. It's always me

Which is why they always say no. Say no. They'll find a way.

Original poster
QuestionableMouse · 02/02/2025 17:56

JimHalpertsWife · 02/02/2025 17:54

Yes me. It's always me

Which is why they always say no. Say no. They'll find a way.

They won't. My poor mam would be stuck without the stuff she needs.

OP posts:
Wonderi · 02/02/2025 17:56

Your sister and dad are selfish twats.

I would be so grateful if I had a sibling willing to pick up the slack.

Do whatever you can do for your mum, as she’s done nothing wrong.

But in future, stop letting them take advantage of you.
I would start by dropping the childcare for your sister.

devildeepbluesea · 02/02/2025 17:59

I’m completely baffled as to why you would continue to provide childcare for your sister.

JimHalpertsWife · 02/02/2025 18:00

QuestionableMouse · 02/02/2025 17:56

They won't. My poor mam would be stuck without the stuff she needs.

Show quote history

Then she will be stuck.

And it will be their fault. You cannot do it. End of. Be unavailable. They are.

Lindy2 · 02/02/2025 18:01

You tell your sister that while your mum is in hospital and you're visiting her and taking her the stuff she needs, then you won't be able to do the usual childcare. She'll need to find alternative arrangements for at least the next week.

Your dad's health and your mum's health can't be helped.

Your sister's selfish attitude can.

You can't do it all.

Overthebow · 02/02/2025 18:01

QuestionableMouse · 02/02/2025 17:26

Unfortunately she needed a diabetic sensor that they didn't have available. I'm home now thank god. Going to take my sumitriprin and have a nap.

Sister has already told me she's not taking time off work. In addition to looking after my mam and dad I do after-school childcare for my sister five nia week, including taking the boys to their club. All I wanted was a tiny bit of help today.

Show quote history

Well there’s your out. Tell your sister you can no longer do her after school childcare for her unless she steps up with helping your parents. You don’t have time for both so she can choose which it is.

TartanMammy · 02/02/2025 18:01

I'm so sorry you're struggling. You don't need to do this if you're not well enough.

But your sister doesn't need to do it either. It would be the kind thing to do though. Is there a back story as to why she doesn't help your parents?

You also don't need to look after her children if you don't want to. You can say no if you don't want to do it.

RandomMess · 02/02/2025 18:01

Time to tell your sister you are no longer providing her with childcare anymore as you are too exhausted helping your parents.

JimHalpertsWife · 02/02/2025 18:02

Message her now

"Sister I was so unwell today. And you could've done it and you refused. I'm taking the week off work, as I am too ill. I am unavailable this week for childcare as I am sick"

CandyLeBonBon · 02/02/2025 18:02

Well the childcare needs to stop

Flavatama · 02/02/2025 18:05

It's life unfortunately, I had my mum and dad Ill at the same time , I had no brothers and sisters it's just a slog , you either do it or you don't? Or you ask for help from wider family.

ToKittyornottoKitty · 02/02/2025 18:06

QuestionableMouse · 02/02/2025 17:26

Unfortunately she needed a diabetic sensor that they didn't have available. I'm home now thank god. Going to take my sumitriprin and have a nap.

Sister has already told me she's not taking time off work. In addition to looking after my mam and dad I do after-school childcare for my sister five nia week, including taking the boys to their club. All I wanted was a tiny bit of help today.

Show quote history

Then tell her you can’t help with her kids because you need to help with your parents. Something had to give somewhere and there is no advantage in life to being a martyr. She doesn’t have to help with your parents but she does have to sort her own childcare

Redrosesposies · 02/02/2025 18:07

Motherofdragons24 · 02/02/2025 16:43

If it was me I would do it and then make it clear it’s your sisters turn tomorrow or the next day. To be fair she only went in to hospital yesterday and she has three members of immediate family, you, your sister and your dad, so one of you should sort stuff for her, why does it need to be you? But also why not you? Do it this time and it’s someone else’s turn next time. No your mum doesn’t “need” anything in hospital but if she is not incapacitated or unconscious it’s certainly nice to have some things to make the stay more comfortable. Unless there’s a massive drip feed and you don’t generally get along and she’s a difficult person, I would think most daughters would want to help their unwell mum. It’s actually quite sad that you are all squabbling about who has to pack a few things and visit your mum/wife in hospital, I hope my kids think more highly of me when I need them!

Oh back off and stop dumping the OP in with her useless Dad and sister. She's trying her best with a migraine, to run around after a demanding mother and you have a go at her.
OP tell your sister to get off her arse.

KnottyKnitting · 02/02/2025 18:16

Well I would suggest that your migraine continues tomorrow meaning that you are not able to help your sister- then she will bloody well have to take time off work.

Moving forward I think you absolutely stop any child care for your selfish entitled sister. Concentrate on your own family and then if there is time then your parents. If this is not feasible then they will have to get some carers involved. Why should you give up all your free time to care for them? Might sound callus but you are entitled to a life too.

appleblanket · 02/02/2025 18:19

QuestionableMouse · 02/02/2025 17:26

Unfortunately she needed a diabetic sensor that they didn't have available. I'm home now thank god. Going to take my sumitriprin and have a nap.

Sister has already told me she's not taking time off work. In addition to looking after my mam and dad I do after-school childcare for my sister five nia week, including taking the boys to their club. All I wanted was a tiny bit of help today.

Show quote history

I hope you say to your sister that you cannot help her with her boys then in that case! If she's not willing to help her own parents then she can bloody well sort her own kids out with childcare and after school clubs. Your priority is your parents, hers is herself.
Sorry you're going through this OP, hope your DM will be on the mend soon ❤️

Dinosweetpea · 02/02/2025 18:19

Absolutely stop all Childcare for your sister, she's a CF and needs to step up in helping the family if she wants any help with hers.

Joker01 · 02/02/2025 18:25

Sorry OP, this sounds harsh but some of this is on you. You’re allowing your sister to take the piss out of you. Stop. Stand up to her and tell her that whilst you’re helping care for your mum, you can’t do childcare or she needs to help out with your parents.

You need to start saying no. Otherwise they will continue to take the piss.

AlmondLoaf · 02/02/2025 18:28

JimHalpertsWife · 02/02/2025 18:02

Message her now

"Sister I was so unwell today. And you could've done it and you refused. I'm taking the week off work, as I am too ill. I am unavailable this week for childcare as I am sick"

Stop being such a martyr and tell your sister unless she helps the childcare is off as you are too poorly to do both.. Until you grow a backbone she won't lift a finger.

Edit - sorry meant to reply to a different comment. 😂

butterfly0404 · 02/02/2025 18:29

Stop making a rod for your own back.

Tell your sister to fuck off and find alternative child care. You are not your family's slave.

I had similar for 20 years caring for both my parents, working full time, single parent, Ill health of my own including cancer. Day and night on call whilst their health declined.

My brother barely lifted a finger to help but now he's trying to claim their estate now mum had passed. (Long story)
I regret putting my life on hold and being that person who everyone knows will sort things out.

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