DH bought a motorbike

RecklessMountain · 2025-02-02T08:47:32+00:00

My DH has done something crazy and I’m raging. He spent £10k on a motorbike. No discussion. Just bought it. Thats the bit I’m most annoyed about. The fact that he never told me he was doing it. So as not to drip feed, he did buy it with money from an inheritance. A lot of the inheritance was put into the family pot (towards our mortgage) but the last bit he said he would keep as rainy day. He works for himself so you get quiet times. I thought that was really sensible of him to keep this cash, so now I’m like WTF?! On the one hand, it’s his money. On the other hand, I’d never spend even a few hundred on something for myself without a conversation. Theres so many projects that need doing round the house - kitchen, bathroom, roof so this is fuelling my rage. Plus it’s so dangerous - what if he dies or gets seriously injured? AIBU?

MolkosTeenageAngst · 02/02/2025 08:52

He should have discussed it but as you say it’s his money and it sounds like you’d have said no or pushed him to spend it on something else even though he’s already put money into the household pot. He might have wanted to put his inheritance towards something he could enjoy rather than a household project, does he actually want a new kitchen/ bathroom or is that something you would want? Sometimes after bereavement you do get a bit of an ‘only live once’ attitude so that may have made him buy the bike on a bit of an impulse, is it something he’s ever expressed interest in owning before? I can see why you’re upset, it would have been nice for him to discuss it with you but realistically would you have been supportive and open to the idea or would you have just said no? If you would have just said no and pushed him towards paying for a new kitchen or whatever then what would have been the point in him bringing the idea to you?

Octopies · 02/02/2025 08:54

I'm guessing this is a first bike? In which case £10k seems like a lot to spend on something to try it out; it's not a midlife crisis sports bike is it? My Uncle bought one of those and I think only rode it a couple of times as it was too powerful for him.

I think YANBU for being annoyed at the amount he spent on something which is just for him if he has periods where cash flow is an issue with his job.

Original poster

RecklessMountain · 02/02/2025 08:57

Octopies · 02/02/2025 08:54

I'm guessing this is a first bike? In which case £10k seems like a lot to spend on something to try it out; it's not a midlife crisis sports bike is it? My Uncle bought one of those and I think only rode it a couple of times as it was too powerful for him.

I think YANBU for being annoyed at the amount he spent on something which is just for him if he has periods where cash flow is an issue with his job.

It’s not a first bike but he hasn’t owned one in years. The £10k includes all the gear he needs to ride it.

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OVienna · 02/02/2025 08:57

If he's not an experienced rider (if that is even the right word) I'd be raging. So dangerous.

StillweriseLH · 02/02/2025 09:01

Yeah, so it’s his inheritance. He has put a large portion of it for the family, and kept a small portion back.

He has spent his money on something for him, that he’s had experience of before and is sensible enough to ensure he bought the appropriate equipment to use properly with it. I don’t really see what you have to complain about.

it’s not the safest hobby, but neither is ice hockey, horse riding, arguably backpacking, there’s risk in loads of things. You know he has liked bikes before, so this isn’t a brand new thing?

NoraLuka · 02/02/2025 09:05

Not what you’re asking but if he hasn’t ridden in years (or maybe he has but not his own bike?) it would be sensible to have some refresher lessons even if he doesn’t think he needs them.

Not sure if YABU or not. Maybe he should have saved the money for a kitchen or something but you do only live once and sometimes you need to do something fun. He isn’t reasonable to spend so much without saying something first but maybe he thought you’d say no? Would you be ok with it if it was a cheaper bike?

soupyspoon · 02/02/2025 09:07

I spends hundreds of pounds and the parcels just arrive. I wouldnt consult my OH about it, unless it was something for the house specifically that we would share and use

Octopies · 02/02/2025 09:09

I think if he's an experienced biker and has also bought all his gear for the £10k, that's a bit different, as he hopefully knows enough to have bought everything he needs to keep himself safe and an appropriate bike and will be go out riding.

I would still be annoyed that he hasn't told you his plans to buy the bike though. He could have maybe put your mind at rest out safety concerns and not blindsided you. I couldn't imagine my DH going out and buying a sportscar without mentioning he was planning to.

Tumbleweed101 · 02/02/2025 09:15

My ex did something similar with a redundancy payout (he had no job to go to at that point either). I’d got into debt for the family (credit cards and loans that that had to be in my name as he couldn’t get credit approved) and I’d expected him to pay off some of that with it but instead he bought himself a motorbike and some other things he wanted. I was furious and it contributed to our break up as it made me aware of how self focused he was.

Obviously an inheritance is different and I’m not suggesting you break up but I do understand your frustration too. It is a lot of money when you have a young family.

FallOfTheHouseOfUtterlyButterly · 02/02/2025 09:20

Do you not spend your money because you think you shouldn't or because he'd be angry if you did?

If it's the first one it's a You Problem and you need to stop worrying. If it's the second one you have a DH Problem and he was selfish to spend on himself this way.

It's his money. He'd already put some into the family pot. If he wanted to spend the rest on himself then it's his money to do that with.

Yes, they are dangerous. But he's brought all the gear and hopefully he'll be sensible. It's something plenty of people do every day

OldTinHat · 02/02/2025 09:24

I hope he has decent life insurance. That's all I have to say.

HelplessSoul · 02/02/2025 10:36

I feel sorry for your DH.

He's bought something that makes him happy. The death thing is a complete red herring.

Could easily happen if he was in a car or walking on the pavement. And if its his inheritance money, just who are you that he needs authorization from in order to make a purchase for his happiness?

No wonder he didnt discuss it.

liveforsummer · 02/02/2025 10:51

I think it's fair he's bought something for himself and he's already contributed a big portion to the house. Sounds like a discussion would have ended on a firm no. I have some sympathy as I'm not a stranger to impulse buys and whilst I agree the safety aspect is a concern, my last large purchase was a horse so as they say people in glass houses and all that!

NotMeNoNo · 02/02/2025 11:03

We are bikers and DH has said to me, don't underestimate how much riding adds to your life, especially at an age when a lot of men are struggling with their MH. It gets you outside, a change of scene, the cameraderie, it is simply fun and interesting and relaxing. Assuming he's not an idiot who will take risks and go too fast, have a think about why you don't want him to do something that makes him happy?

OTOH he should have discussed it but then what would you have said? Try not to worry too much about the risks. It's more about communicating.

rwalker · 02/02/2025 11:09

Inheritance to me it belongs to the person who inherits it I wouldn’t see it as a joint asset
he’s throw the majority of into the family pot I wouldn’t begrudge him this

just sounds a bit grabby

in laws gave wife a chunk when they inherited from wife’s grandad that’s my wife’s money nothing to do with me

Chersfrozenface · 02/02/2025 11:14

OldTinHat · 02/02/2025 09:24

I hope he has decent life insurance. That's all I have to say.

This.

Also income protection insurance. Motorbike accidents can cause injuries that keep people off work for months, or render them unable to work at all. And he's self-employed.

BeDeepKoala · 02/02/2025 11:15

You sound incredibly controlling. Please stop financially abusing your husband.

Its his money, and he has already put most of it into the house. He is entiteld to spend part of his money on something for himsefl

Original poster

RecklessMountain · 02/02/2025 13:53

NoraLuka · 02/02/2025 09:05

Not what you’re asking but if he hasn’t ridden in years (or maybe he has but not his own bike?) it would be sensible to have some refresher lessons even if he doesn’t think he needs them.

Not sure if YABU or not. Maybe he should have saved the money for a kitchen or something but you do only live once and sometimes you need to do something fun. He isn’t reasonable to spend so much without saying something first but maybe he thought you’d say no? Would you be ok with it if it was a cheaper bike?

I wouldn’t have said no because it’s his money. He can do what he wants with it, but a heads up would’ve been nice.

I still wouldn’t have been keen if it was a cheaper bike, but it would’ve felt like a bit less of a weird thing to do when we’re not very well off and our house needs work.

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Original poster

RecklessMountain · 02/02/2025 14:00

Tumbleweed101 · 02/02/2025 09:15

My ex did something similar with a redundancy payout (he had no job to go to at that point either). I’d got into debt for the family (credit cards and loans that that had to be in my name as he couldn’t get credit approved) and I’d expected him to pay off some of that with it but instead he bought himself a motorbike and some other things he wanted. I was furious and it contributed to our break up as it made me aware of how self focused he was.

Obviously an inheritance is different and I’m not suggesting you break up but I do understand your frustration too. It is a lot of money when you have a young family.

Yeah, that’s it - the self-focused thing. I would never spend that amount on something for me vs something to make our life better for us as a family. I’d rather put it on one side for the kids. I wouldn’t blow it like that.

I agree with you - spending a redundancy payout is different/worse. You need that to live on while you get another job.

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Cynic17 · 02/02/2025 14:02

Good for him! It's his money, it wasn't left to the OP - he can spend it as he likes. My husband used to have motorbikes and I don't remember him ever asking my permission - because he didn't need it. I was pleased that he had another hobby, and the bike also turned out to really handy for commuting in a busy city.

Original poster

RecklessMountain · 02/02/2025 14:05

FallOfTheHouseOfUtterlyButterly · 02/02/2025 09:20

Do you not spend your money because you think you shouldn't or because he'd be angry if you did?

If it's the first one it's a You Problem and you need to stop worrying. If it's the second one you have a DH Problem and he was selfish to spend on himself this way.

It's his money. He'd already put some into the family pot. If he wanted to spend the rest on himself then it's his money to do that with.

Yes, they are dangerous. But he's brought all the gear and hopefully he'll be sensible. It's something plenty of people do every day

We don’t have a lot of disposable income so I don’t make big purchases. If we need something new like a washing machine or whatever, we’d usually discuss it and decide how much to spend, based on our (small) joint savings. Neither one of us is controlling.

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Original poster

RecklessMountain · 02/02/2025 14:15

I won’t have time to reply to everyone individually, but thanks for these replies. Helpful to know I’m clearly in the wrong.

@NotMeNoNo your response is really helpful thanks. I had thought that at least it will be good for him and might mean he’s more sociable.

I think I’m just shocked he’d spend that when we’re not exactly doing great financially. It made life a lot less stressful knowing that financial buffer was there, and now I feel like we’re living pay cheque to pay cheque again.

Totally agree that it’s his money. Just posted to let off steam. I obviously can’t talk to him about it as he’s a grown man who’s free to do whatever he wants. It’s just not what I would do, and maybe it’s wrong that it makes me feel like he doesn’t give a shit about me or the kids, but that’s how I feel. The idea that I’m controlling is laughable. I’ve had zero say in how any of the inheritance was spent and I don’t think what he did with it was the most sensible option, but once he’s on a path he can’t be swayed.

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cariadlet · 02/02/2025 14:23

I completely understand how you feel.

The rational part of your brain probably thinks that it's his money; he's already put a lot of money into the family pot; he's an experienced rider so it's not a midlife crisis or a short-lived fad.

But the emotional part of your brain will be feeling hurt because he didn't discuss it first and you believe that couples should run major spending decisions past each other; you know that money is tight; you don't feel able to spend a fraction of that amount to treat yourself with something that you would really like.

Your husband's behaviour and your reaction are both understandable and I can understand why each of you thinks that you are being reasonable.

It's not a clear cut, one person is right and the other is wrong, situation.

notacooldad · 02/02/2025 14:23

I would have no issue with this a d to be honest I'd be a bit excited about the bike.
It's mo ey he would t normally have e so it's not like he has taken it out of the family budget.
He has put most of it into the family pot and he has treated himself with some money that was meant for him anyway.

I can't say much, I bought myself a brand new car on a whim three weeks ago without telling anyone until I took it home!

ItGhoul · 02/02/2025 14:25

RecklessMountain · 02/02/2025 14:00

Yeah, that’s it - the self-focused thing. I would never spend that amount on something for me vs something to make our life better for us as a family. I’d rather put it on one side for the kids. I wouldn’t blow it like that.

I agree with you - spending a redundancy payout is different/worse. You need that to live on while you get another job.

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Well, just because you would be a martyr with your own money, that doesn’t mean he has to. I’m assuming you are a lot more bothered about the things that ‘need’ doing to the house than he is.

He didn’t discuss it with you because he knew you’d kick off. You might want to have a think about that.

Good on him, frankly.