DH bought a motorbike

[RecklessMountain]

My DH has done something crazy and I’m raging.

He spent £10k on a motorbike. No discussion. Just bought it.

Thats the bit I’m most annoyed about. The fact that he never told me he was doing it.

So as not to drip feed, he did buy it with money from an inheritance. A lot of the inheritance was put into the family pot (towards our mortgage) but the last bit he said he would keep as rainy day. He works for himself so you get quiet times. I thought that was really sensible of him to keep this cash, so now I’m like WTF?!

On the one hand, it’s his money. On the other hand, I’d never spend even a few hundred on something for myself without a conversation.

Theres so many projects that need doing round the house - kitchen, bathroom, roof so this is fuelling my rage. Plus it’s so dangerous - what if he dies or gets seriously injured?

AIBU?

YANBU.

It's not just the money, which as you've said was his to spend, though it seems off to say he'd keep it for a rainy day and then blow it.
It's a dangerous hobby which presumably means he'll be buggering off on Sunday afternoons to ruin other peoples peace rather than spending time with you and the kids.

Tell him to follow ‘Itchy Boots’ on YouTube. He will love it.
I’m glad he has bought something he truly wanted with at least part of his inheritance.

I didn't believe it when I first heard it. But when you start thinking about it, you can see the reasons. Although car accidents do happen, car drivers and passengers are surrounded by steel armour, which is designed to give the occupants as much protection as possible in a crash. Motorbike riders do not have this protection at all. And they can't wear seat belts. The only protection they have is their clothing, which can protect them from small injuries, but not big ones.

Motorbikes are also smaller than cars, and as such, are harder for other drivers to notice. They also have only two wheels instead of four, which makes them more vulnerable to things such as potholes, or slippery drain covers.

Oh my god, she isnt financially abusing her husband. Do you even know what financial abuse is!!! Clearly not

It used to be even worse. According to Facts on Motorcyclist Casualties
June 2015 from the Department of Transport, at that time it was 57 times more likely.

And what does she do with the kids, get a sidecar?

She’s not wrong though.

To be in an organ donor you need to die in specific circumstances e.g. in a way which leaves you brain dead but otherwise with your organs in tact and decent health.

The majority of organ donors are due to road accidents, and you are far more likely to be killed on a motorbike than in a car.

It’s a dangerous hobby. Pointing that out and the risks isn’t wrong. Rather before than after.

Get the insurance policy dusted off.

I'd very raging too.

At that price this sounds like a big, heavy bike. I hope he will have some refresher lessons if he's not ridden one for years.
Other than that it's his choice. I just hope you never have the policeman at the door.

I understand it's not the spending of the money but more the lack of discussion that's the issue? Because if discussion careful planning and mutual decision making are how you usually do things this can seem very hurtful especially with everyone piling on "his money his choice" trope it's true it is his money and it's his choice but he isnt behaving like he has responsibility he should have discussed it like an adult and still bought his bike and gear it would have been less jarring for his partner

I'd make sure he takes out a good life insurance policy and that I would not be his caregiver if he got seriously injured.

Motorcycles are a complete no go thing for me. I grew up around them and health care worker.

He's obviously put way more into the family pot, if this 10k is a small portion of what he kept for himself. YABU complaining about money when he was entitled to keep the whole lot to himself if he wanted.

As a biker, I get your concern if you worry for his safety. YANBU on that. He didn't need to check anything with you, though a heads up is respectful to your spouse.

YABU.

It's his money and he had already put some into the 'family pot' which he didn't have to do.

He didn't need to run anything past you.

I get it @BlueberryFlapjack
DH did something similar last year except it was a Golf GTi and £20k. He did tell me he was going it (and it was very much telling, not discussing) whilst I was away for half term with the teens. We got home a few days later just in time to stop him cutting down the hedge to make a makeshift parking space for it.

I think what annoys me is, as above, the assumption that it was all his to spend. It was a dividend from a business he'd sold a couple of years earlier, but remained a director of. He's acknowledged in the past that the business would not have been as successful as it had without my support (loads of child related stuff giving him lots of freedom; his business loan was based on my (higher) income). So it would have been nice to have had a holiday; or save it for uni fees; or at least bought a car DS could learn to drive in (it's a proper pocket rocket, it's not a car to learn in). I'm not even insured to drive it!

This is exactly what would be said if this was a woman spending her inheritance on something, however I expect you’ll get a fair bit of stick for posting it…

Thanks @IbizaToTheNorfolkBroads. This is exactly it. There are times when I’ve been massively worse off due to propping up his low income, and many things I haven’t been able to do because I’m supporting the family. But it’s ok for him to do what he wants with no thought for the practicalities, just something he wants to do so everyone else has to suck it up.

I will get over it and put it behind us, but today it’s still fresh.

To everyone saying it’s his money, I totally agree. I wouldn’t dream of dictating what he does with it. But this isn’t practical for the life stage we’re at.

Thanks to those who shared that the stat has gone down to 50x as many deaths as in cars. I thought it was still 57x, so that’s something at least.

"I wouldn't dream of dictating what he does with it"
But that's exactly what you want to do!

How much did he put into the family pot? More or less than he kept for himself?

*OP get some gear for your self and join him get on the back of it and have some fun just the two of you.

Lifes to short for moaning and arguing.
And what does she do with the kids, get a sidecar?
Sometimes parents do have a few hours away from their kids! Children go to their friends or spend time with grandparents or go to clubs etc🤔
Me and dh certainly managed to have time together when our children were young.
Mind you a sidecar sounds grand!!!

For context, my husband bought a bike (for quite a bit more) from money he inherited. Has to be said, he traded in his 'old' bike to do this, rides practically every day, and bought me a new bike too - mine was cheaper, because it's only 500cc.

I think key here is that we discussed it; but there again, we share the passion. The discussion revealed I didn't agree with his choice (of bike, Harleys are ridiculous) but we didn't argue about it. He's big enough and ugly enough to make his own choices in life. As a biker, also a wife, I'd have felt a bit weird if he'd just gone out and done it 'behind my back'. That would've had an impact on our trust dynamic.

It's hard to describe to people who don't ride what riding is all about. It's kind of primal. If I don't ride (which I do daily), then I get all up in my own head and really struggle with my mental health. Perhaps your husband was unable to talk about how significant this is to him because there's a bit of a disconnect between riders and non-riders. Maybe he should've tried but was worried about your reaction and didn't want to end up in the position of feeling as if you didn't understand him and he couldn't understand you.

And there's another thing about riding. It's an independent activity. Although I share the passion with my husband, I ride my own bike in my own way. We don't communicate when we're on the road. It's totally solitary. In other words, it's a bit like saying 'I don't want to and won't talk to you. This isn't about us. It's about me.' That's a helluva thing to try and get across to someone who just doesn't 'get it'.

On the upside, my husband is a much happier man since he started having his bike(s) to blow off steam - over 10 years now. It's not always ideal when he decides on a nice Sunday afternoon that he'd rather be on his own, or when we go away and travel separately, but you know, he's on his own journey, and we're not joined at the hip.

^^ Happily married for over 35 years.

If you have young kids, don't get on the back of his bike. I rarely travel on the back of my husband's bike - I have my own. I'd rather ride together than die together.

If you have young kids, don't get on the back of his bike. I rarely travel on the back of my husband's bike - I have my own. I'd rather ride together than die together
I agree 👍

Have a day off wont you.

People can be killed as pedestrians and in cars. Sure, on a bike its less safe than a car - thats not being debated.

You are insinuating that the DHs purchase of the bike will see him ride recklessly and kill himself - based on nothing more than your bullshit conjucture and without any supporting facts.

And as for what the emergency services say - they would do well to STFU and do their jobs instead of labelling people or victims/persons involved in any traffic accident.

JFC 🤦‍♂️🙄

And as for what the emergency services say - they would do well to STFU and do their jobs instead of labelling people or victims/persons involved in any traffic accident.

It's part of the job of some emergency services to warn about risks. Eg firefighters promoting fire alarms and oven chips vs frying. Seems perfectly reasonable for those who have to deal with accidents to make statistically verifiable comments.

A few years ago a workmate died riding pillion with her husband - both 40s and experienced. In the same time frame a 50 something manager and husband from my organisation died together, and later that year, a friend's fiance, late 50s. One case was a suspected heart attack while riding, and the other 2 cases were knocked off the road by a car.
Motorbikes make you vulnerable. Hence the talk of insurance

It's part of the job of some emergency services to warn about risks. Eg firefighters promoting fire alarms and oven chips vs frying. Seems perfectly reasonable for those who have to deal with accidents to make statistically verifiable comments.

I work closely with emergency services teams as part of a multi disciplinary group working with young people.
Many are bikers. I suppose it's similar as a fat HCP telling you to lose weight or a heavy drinking doctor judging your weekly units.