DH bought a motorbike

[RecklessMountain]

My DH has done something crazy and I’m raging.

He spent £10k on a motorbike. No discussion. Just bought it.

Thats the bit I’m most annoyed about. The fact that he never told me he was doing it.

So as not to drip feed, he did buy it with money from an inheritance. A lot of the inheritance was put into the family pot (towards our mortgage) but the last bit he said he would keep as rainy day. He works for himself so you get quiet times. I thought that was really sensible of him to keep this cash, so now I’m like WTF?!

On the one hand, it’s his money. On the other hand, I’d never spend even a few hundred on something for myself without a conversation.

Theres so many projects that need doing round the house - kitchen, bathroom, roof so this is fuelling my rage. Plus it’s so dangerous - what if he dies or gets seriously injured?

AIBU?

I’m not really getting why it’s so difficult to understand. He said one thing (let’s keep this as rainy day money after a lifetime of struggling financially) and did another (blew it on a bike without even a “by the way, I’ve decided to do this”).

He’s totally free to do that. I didn’t dictate how he spent a single penny. We chatted about what would be best, I made suggestions, he said what he thought, and then he decided what to spend/save. He’s allowed to change his mind. Doesn’t mean I can’t be pissed off that he’s put us back to feeling that we have no fallback if anything big goes wrong, and to feel horrible about the fact that we didn’t even discuss it. I would have more savings if he earned more. I bail him out in the years where he earns very little - that’s what marriage is. It’s all intertwined, so yes, this is his money, but maybe next time he’s out of work I should hang onto my money instead of topping him up.

If it makes him happier then that would be great. Thanks for sharing. I definitely won’t be getting a bike though!

@BlueberryFlapjack

Not sure if you have young kids but once they are bigger I highly recommend riding pillion. It's so freeing, a cross between transport and a fairground ride and the biker communities are amazing. We go to rallies and everyone is friendly and equal whatever their background. Furthest I've been is Italy ... amazing

Labelling someone an "organ donor", as the previous poster stated is not part of the emergency services job nor does that comment discuss risks etc. 🙄🤦‍♂️

Little wonder then, these medics command such low respect from the people they are meant to be helping.

Another reason to fuck off the NHS, opt out of paying into that shithole and go private. But thats another discussion altogether.

Fact is, the OP's DH bought a bike - unless there is evidence he is going to ride like a twat, all these "what ifs" about an accident and fatality etc have fuck all merit.

I highly recommend riding pillion. It's so freeing, a cross between transport and a fairground ride and the biker communities are amazing.
It's much more fun riding your own bike.
It's a few years since I've had my own this thread has got me fantasising about getting one again!!

It's a joke. There are keyrings with this on them

https://www.etsy.com/uk/listing/875399469/organ-donor-key-tag-for-motorcycles

Why is a motorbike more dangerous?
It's not the bike or the rider.. most accidents that happen to bikers are from car/ van/ lorry/ truck drivers that " apparently " didn't see the biker .
Bikers need to be more alert and wear protective and reflective clothing .
I uses to be a big biker and rode my bikes all over Europe.
I was also a motorcycle instructor... make sure he gets proper training if he hasn't already or already got a bike license.
( only thing wrong is.. he should have discussed it with you).

@Moier In itself, a motorbike is not more dangerous. But the important difference between a bike and car is that a car is effectively steel armour for its occupants. A biker does not have this protection. A crash which writes off a car can in many cases leave the occupants only with minor injuries; but a motorcyclist would come off far worse in a similar crash. There are irresponsible riders too: there's a section of road I drive along regularly, where there is a line of pizza delivery riders parked, and when they arrive back, they regularly turn their bikes into the road before backing in, without even looking.

I used to be a car driving instructor. I often told my pupils "you have steel armour, they (bikers and pedestrians) don't". Your yourself, as a motorcycle instructor, you will know all the safe riding habits, have great anticipation, and had to pass tests higher than what most bikers do (I'm assuming the qualification process for motorbike instructors is similar to cars, in the UK at least.), so the risk for you yourself will be less than for other bikers. But even proper training, proper clothing, and reflective gear would not prevent all eventualities. Risk can never be eliminated; it can only be reduced.

As for health professionals lecturing safetyism: it's an interesting moral question. If Boris Johnson were still in charge (shudder), he would be saying when he thinks nobody is listening "Oh well, if it keeps the population down, let them ride motorbikes." For a far lesser parallel than motorcycle riding, I play and umpire netball. I see teenagers and adults with injured ankles (and occasionally head injuries) being carried off courts all the time, and then hobbling on crutches for a few weeks (and the NHS often refuses to take crutches back, although I remember an ad campaign twenty years ago pleading for them to be brought back). It's such a cliché, that I know several teams with the name "Ankle Breakers". Minor injuries units (and sometimes A&E) see lots of people with sporting injuries at weekends. Are they clogging up the NHS? Should Starmer appear on the telly and tell them to stop playing such dangerous games, to protect the NHS?

So what exactly did you want from him OP? The chunk he has already put into the mortgage AND the 10k he kept back, to stay just that? For a rainy day fund?

If you needed things doing, you could have used the money for that, instead of the mortgage. If something comes up, the bike can be sold.

I wonder how this would be seen if the husband was complaining that despite the wife putting most of her inheritance into the family pot, he still wasn't happy, and is now considering financial abuse/blackmail because she earns less sometimes.

How old is he ?
Maybe a midlife crises ?
Trying to relive his youth ?

How long ago did he get the inheritance? Perhaps this was his rainy day.

You keep saying you wanted discussion, but you wouldn't have stopped him. What would the point of the discussion be? So you could tell him all the bad reasons for doing it and have him do it anyway. You didn't want him to do it, you'd have been annoyed, discussion or not.

As an adult he is entitled to spend his money how he wants. Just as you are. If you choose to spend on your family instead of on yourself, that's your decision. If you don't want to do that, you need to get him on board with contributing more to the family pot.

Not a right/wrong here but a thought. The 37 yr old son of a friend asked for a remote controlled car from his mum for Christmas. This car was upwards of £100, not the same as £10 000, I know-but.

I would never say anything but found myself wondering why a fully grown man would ask for what is effectively a toy when like OP, he lives in a house in much need of work and has various projects on the go. In fact, he'll use the car to play with his own two small boys and everyone will be happy.

Personally, though I'd have asked for 5 hours of a gardeners time or a length of guttering or whatever or a new water butt. Then I thought again and remembered that I'd read somewhere that houses can become like the third person in a marriage and a couple can lose sight of what's actually important because they're thinking about the leaky shower or whatever.
Perhaps having things that make you happy, doing things that make you happy is more important than a new bathroom. Dunno, just pondering.

3 months in traction and a year recovering after my motor bike accident.

Financial abuse? Where is the financial abuse? I vented about something I was upset about - letting off steam on here rather than having a go at DH who I agree is entitled to spend his money how he wants.

I didn’t have a choice about how any of his inheritance was spent. I don’t want to go into all the details of our finances, but putting it all into the mortgage isn’t what any IFA would’ve advised.

I’ve bankrolled him through so many tough times. It makes more sense now for me to hang onto my own rainy day money instead of bailing him out next time he decides he doesn’t feel like working full time. How is that abusive?

Sorry @Sharptonguedwoman that sounds awful

I get what you’re saying @Sharptonguedwoman and that’s usually how I feel. But it’s been a long time now and I’m tired of nothing being finished or nice to look at, apart from the bits I’ve done myself. I don’t have the time or the energy to learn how to fit a bathroom.

I do stuff I love, and so does DH (he already has plenty of expensive hobbies aside from the bike) but when you get home it’s nice to chill out in a space you love too. Our house needs a LOT of work.

I don't know why you're getting a hard time here or why you're insisting that you understand it's his money to spend how he likes. If you're a team where your salary covers him when he has a shortfall, then you are a team when he gets an inheritance.
Regardless of the couple's financial situation, the inheritor should tell their spouse before making a big purchase. In your situation where your roof needs doing then a 1k 'special for himself' spend is more than adequate.

Was an awfully long time ago, thank you though.

Thanks @ConundrumTime2. I do think it’s his money to spend how he wants AND I think it’s a batshit crazy purchase because of the costs involved - not just the £10k but the insurance, servicing, MOT, fuel, endless gear that will multiply like it does with all his other hobbies.

I’m glad I posted as it’s helped me figure out my thoughts. If he’d said to me, I know you probably won’t be happy about this but I’m spending X now, and the annual running costs will be Y, and I’ve checked all the insurances and it’s fine, I’m covered, then that would be one thing. But he hasn’t done any of that, and now there’s this thing we can’t talk about AT ALL because he immediately gets angry if I even try to bring it up.

I’m not happy about things, but now that I know that at least half of mumsnet think my DH’s behaviour is perfectly normal and I’m the unreasonable one, I‘ll put it behind me and move on.

Thanks to all for helping me figure things out. Special thanks also to the “financial abuse” obsessives who want to protect my poor oppressed DH. That really is hilarious.

I wasn’t sure if YABU or not at first (plus slightly biased as my midlife crisis involved buying a bike!) but reading your updates it does sound like you’re very reasonable and maybe your DH isn’t. I hope you manage to find a way to sort it all out - totally understand the frustration with a house full of half finished jobs!