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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

36 weeks pregnant and husband seems unbothered

52 replies

Cornishmumma24560 · 01/02/2025 23:31

AIBU?
I am 36 weeks pregnant and have a 3yo Daughter.
my husband had a meeting this afternoon with a guy about becoming an assistant manager for a football team. Something he’s excited about and to be fair has been in our shared calendar for some time.
but it was also a casual meet, could happen any time and isn’t a paid position nor are there others in the pipeline to be offered it.
i took our 3 yo DD out for the morning so my husband could paint the nursery.
when i got back i took a turn. Id had some mild cramps earlier in the day and then I just suddenly felt really really exhausted.
he offered to take our DD with him but she had been out in the cold all morning and I didn’t think it was right to send her out again to watch a men’s football game whilst my husband had a meeting when it’s freezing today.
so my husband put a film on for her so i could sleep, left and said he would be an hour.
after the film i get up and play with our DD, make dinner etc etc.
he is 3 hours.
when he gets home im even more exhausted and too annoyed to say hello.
he hasn’t asked me how I’m feeling.
i went to bed early because i feel so rough. He hasn’t been in to check on me.
i then messaged him saying - I shouldn’t have to ask you to come in and check on me when I’ve told you I feel really bad today.
especially after you’ve spent all afternoon out.
he hasn’t responded and still hasn’t come in to see if I’m ok.
should I be the one to always make the first move?
shouldn’t I expect a bit more at this point in my pregnancy from my DH?

OP posts:
Enko · 01/02/2025 23:36

You turned down his offer to take her along. Then you are sulky and ignore him when he returns and then send him a text instead of talking to him and saying you feel exhausted and are disappointed he took longer.

Communicate with words not silences and texts. That btw goes for both of you.

HelpMeUnpickThis · 01/02/2025 23:37

I am sorry you are feeling horrible. This stage of pregnancy is hard.

Gently, I dont think what your DH was bad. It was in the calendar and he did offer some support / suggest alternatives. He has no idea what 36 weeks feels like.

I hope you feel better soon.

thehorsesareallidiots · 01/02/2025 23:40

Errrrm. I'm sorry you're not feeling great, but yeah, you're being pretty sulky and unreasonable, and pass-agg to boot.

Chattycatty32 · 01/02/2025 23:46

He could have asked how you were imo.

jacks11 · 02/02/2025 00:29

YABU

If my Dh was obviously annoyed at me, chose to communicate that by giving me the silent treatment when i returned home, i think i would leave him to sulk all by himself, if I’m honest- regardless of whether he had been feeling unwell or not. I think ignoring someone/dishing out the silent treatment because you’re angry with them is really unpleasant and manipulative- being pregnant (or “hormonal”) doesn’t excuse it either. Even if you have a good reason to be annoyed, it’s a horrible way to behave. I actually think you don’t have all that much to be annoyed about, TBH.

Your DH should have let you know he was running late, but other than that I don’t think he has done anything wrong. This was in the joint calendar, you knew about it and he offered to take your dd with him. You chose to keep her at home with you, which is your perogative but having done so you then can’t moan about it when you had an alternative. I suspect that if your DD was fed before they left and wrapped up warmly that she would have been absolutely fine (and if not, his issue to resolve as she is out with him- e.g. coming home early).

If, having ignored me and flounced off to sulk, my DH then sent a text admonishing me for not grovelling/ checking up to make sure he was fine because he had declared that he was feeling a bit under the weather and tired, I would be really angry with him and I might well choose not to respond to that text and wait until he had the decency to come and actually talk to me properly about the situation. I have absolutely no time for that sort of behaviour- it’s terribly childish, passive aggressive and deeply unpleasant.

If you are feeling unwell and need something, you are an adult who is capable of asking for help if you need him to do something. If you don’t need anything, but just want to be check on, then given how you have conducted yourself I am not surprised he has chosen not to fawn all over you.

healthybychristmas · 02/02/2025 00:32

What she turned down was his offer to do something on his own with his daughter watching in the freezing cold. If he had offered to take her out to do something she enjoyed I'm sure the OP would've agreed to that.

StormingNorman · 02/02/2025 00:34

Your communication style is horrible.

Enko · 02/02/2025 01:31

healthybychristmas · 02/02/2025 00:32

What she turned down was his offer to do something on his own with his daughter watching in the freezing cold. If he had offered to take her out to do something she enjoyed I'm sure the OP would've agreed to that.

It's not a bad thing for children to learn sometimes we do stuff that's less fun. Addtionally a football match is not a bad place for a toddler. Often balls around and other children to play with. Rain doesn't determine being outside either just wrap up. The dh have had this in.the diary for a long time

Porcuporpoise · 02/02/2025 04:21

thehorsesareallidiots · 01/02/2025 23:40

Errrrm. I'm sorry you're not feeling great, but yeah, you're being pretty sulky and unreasonable, and pass-agg to boot.

This. Sorry.

Porcuporpoise · 02/02/2025 04:24

healthybychristmas · 02/02/2025 00:32

What she turned down was his offer to do something on his own with his daughter watching in the freezing cold. If he had offered to take her out to do something she enjoyed I'm sure the OP would've agreed to that.

It wasn't so freezing cold that the dd couldn't be out in it all morning, I'm sure she'd have been fine for an hour in the afternoon.

Cornishmumma24560 · 02/02/2025 07:34

Ok thanks everyone for your input. I think some of it is pretty harsh. I’m pretty good at. Communicating with him normally. Just today I didn’t have it in me. We all have bad days and I challenge anyone at 36 weeks with a toddler who’s come down with an illness to also behave like a perfect human after a day of giving everything out to your kids. Dr
I realise the football is good for toddlers. She goes a lot. But yesterday it wasn’t the right thing to do for my daughter.
I don’t think I’m a horrible person I just had a bad day,

OP posts:
Cornishmumma24560 · 02/02/2025 07:35

I did actually tell him I wasn’t ok before I text him and he didn’t respond to me.

OP posts:
Cornishmumma24560 · 02/02/2025 07:40

I’ll have a proper conversation with him this morning, I do appreciate that passive aggressive behaviour isn’t the way and is childish. And I appreciate the honesty,

OP posts:
Viviennemary · 02/02/2025 07:41

Can't see he has done anything wrong. You do sound a bit needy.

Cornishmumma24560 · 02/02/2025 07:47

jacks11 · 02/02/2025 00:29

YABU

If my Dh was obviously annoyed at me, chose to communicate that by giving me the silent treatment when i returned home, i think i would leave him to sulk all by himself, if I’m honest- regardless of whether he had been feeling unwell or not. I think ignoring someone/dishing out the silent treatment because you’re angry with them is really unpleasant and manipulative- being pregnant (or “hormonal”) doesn’t excuse it either. Even if you have a good reason to be annoyed, it’s a horrible way to behave. I actually think you don’t have all that much to be annoyed about, TBH.

Your DH should have let you know he was running late, but other than that I don’t think he has done anything wrong. This was in the joint calendar, you knew about it and he offered to take your dd with him. You chose to keep her at home with you, which is your perogative but having done so you then can’t moan about it when you had an alternative. I suspect that if your DD was fed before they left and wrapped up warmly that she would have been absolutely fine (and if not, his issue to resolve as she is out with him- e.g. coming home early).

If, having ignored me and flounced off to sulk, my DH then sent a text admonishing me for not grovelling/ checking up to make sure he was fine because he had declared that he was feeling a bit under the weather and tired, I would be really angry with him and I might well choose not to respond to that text and wait until he had the decency to come and actually talk to me properly about the situation. I have absolutely no time for that sort of behaviour- it’s terribly childish, passive aggressive and deeply unpleasant.

If you are feeling unwell and need something, you are an adult who is capable of asking for help if you need him to do something. If you don’t need anything, but just want to be check on, then given how you have conducted yourself I am not surprised he has chosen not to fawn all over you.

Edited

I get what youre saying but I do have to defend myself.
i didn’t flounce off to sulk, I cleaned the bathroom of all the paints so that our DD could have a bath. I cleaned our daughters room too as she needed fresh sheets. I helped calm her for bedtime and I ensured she and he had dinner on the table. Then I communicated that I needed to get into bed because I was not feeling good which I had already said earlier in the day and been clear on.
a reminder that he was 2 hours late home and didn’t apologise or ask me how I was when he got in, I had texted to ask for extra hospital bag stuff because I was concerned about the symptoms being pre term labour so none of this is just me being dramatic. I’m saying all the way along I don’t feel right today.
I then came out later after I’d gone to bed as I am up every hour at the moment due to my size and overheating etc and he said ‘alright’ and I said ‘no I am not actually’ and he didn’t respond to me at all.

i realise we both communicated poorly but i think your assessment is quite harsh.

and I wanted to clarify some points.
though i take on board that I need to do better and appreciate your input,

OP posts:
myplace · 02/02/2025 07:52

Bloody hell!

Regular checking in with a woman who is physically massively burdened and could go into labour at any point is pretty bloody basic, especially when she’s said she’s struggling.

I mean, showing a bit of love and concern might be nice?

Sorry OP. I think he’s being a sulky arse. If anyone gets to be grumpy right now, it’s you!

TheLymeTrew · 02/02/2025 07:52

You need to work on your communication skills because silent treatment is abuse

Cornishmumma24560 · 02/02/2025 08:05

myplace · 02/02/2025 07:52

Bloody hell!

Regular checking in with a woman who is physically massively burdened and could go into labour at any point is pretty bloody basic, especially when she’s said she’s struggling.

I mean, showing a bit of love and concern might be nice?

Sorry OP. I think he’s being a sulky arse. If anyone gets to be grumpy right now, it’s you!

Thank you for this. I can’t believe the lack of understanding of the emotions of a heavily pregnant woman on ‘mumsnet’ of all places! I do appreciate honest feedback and take it all on. I’m happy to have a proper chat with him today: but it’s nice to hear that actually wanting your partner to check in on you and show a bit of care when I’m at this stage is not asking for the world.

OP posts:
Cornishmumma24560 · 02/02/2025 08:07

TheLymeTrew · 02/02/2025 07:52

You need to work on your communication skills because silent treatment is abuse

I was grumpy not abusing him. We go to therapy, we talk often. This word is thrown around way too much. I am not abusing my husband by not saying hello.

OP posts:
Hercisback1 · 02/02/2025 08:09

Why do you go to therapy?

He doesn't seem that bad but none of us were actually there. Perhaps he thought you were asleep.

MyProudHare · 02/02/2025 08:12

Oh god, another of these threads. The whole 'you're pregnant not ill' attitude and people thinking you don't deserve extra consideration due to late pg. Seen it all before on mumsnet.

OP, don't listen to the crap. I swear some of these people are trolling, of course you are not abusing your husband.

You are not unreasonable at all to expect basic love and care from your husband, ESPECIALLY when you're about to give birth.

He was two hours late home when he knew you were feeling shit, and even getting cramps in late pregnancy. I don't think he behaved well, tbh, doing that then not even asking how you were. I appreciate he did offer to take her, but also I think he should have prioritised getting home.

MyUmberSeal · 02/02/2025 08:12

At worse your husband sounds a bit thoughtless, and you sound a bit sulky and grumpy. Neither of you are bad (or abusers 🙄😂). None of this is a tragedy, just normal life stuff. Can’t swim with dolphins every day. Congrats on your imminent arrival. Positive happy thoughts.

SleepDeprivedElf · 02/02/2025 08:14

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable to want to be taken care of. Are you a big worried that the meeting will mean your DH will be around less when the baby arrives? I think the answer is to explain and go to bed when you feel awful(ie meet your own need for rest) then let your DH do the cleaning, sheets etc.

Moonnstars · 02/02/2025 08:16

Ok the whole day could have been planned better. You knew he had the meeting in the afternoon as it was in the diary. Instead of taking DD out that morning, you could have chilled with her watching the film then, leaving DH to take her out in the afternoon. That way she wouldn't have been in the cold all day and you could have had more rest in the morning.

If you don't feel you can do the jobs at home don't make yourself a martyr. You need to say I am really feeling it now and can't bend down to clean the bath. Tell your DH you need him to do this job. Not sure why you took a turn paining the nursery either. Leaving it til now is also quite late.

The texting down sounds ridiculous. If I was your DH and you had gone off to bed saying you are tired then I would have left you to sleep. I wouldn't be checking in as I would not want to wake you knowing you have said you are exhausted.

It sounds like you are at that fed up point of pregnancy.

maddening · 02/02/2025 08:19

Enko · 02/02/2025 01:31

It's not a bad thing for children to learn sometimes we do stuff that's less fun. Addtionally a football match is not a bad place for a toddler. Often balls around and other children to play with. Rain doesn't determine being outside either just wrap up. The dh have had this in.the diary for a long time

But he was also only meant to be 1 hour and was 3 hours instead

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