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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

36 weeks pregnant and husband seems unbothered

52 replies

Cornishmumma24560 · 01/02/2025 23:31

AIBU?
I am 36 weeks pregnant and have a 3yo Daughter.
my husband had a meeting this afternoon with a guy about becoming an assistant manager for a football team. Something he’s excited about and to be fair has been in our shared calendar for some time.
but it was also a casual meet, could happen any time and isn’t a paid position nor are there others in the pipeline to be offered it.
i took our 3 yo DD out for the morning so my husband could paint the nursery.
when i got back i took a turn. Id had some mild cramps earlier in the day and then I just suddenly felt really really exhausted.
he offered to take our DD with him but she had been out in the cold all morning and I didn’t think it was right to send her out again to watch a men’s football game whilst my husband had a meeting when it’s freezing today.
so my husband put a film on for her so i could sleep, left and said he would be an hour.
after the film i get up and play with our DD, make dinner etc etc.
he is 3 hours.
when he gets home im even more exhausted and too annoyed to say hello.
he hasn’t asked me how I’m feeling.
i went to bed early because i feel so rough. He hasn’t been in to check on me.
i then messaged him saying - I shouldn’t have to ask you to come in and check on me when I’ve told you I feel really bad today.
especially after you’ve spent all afternoon out.
he hasn’t responded and still hasn’t come in to see if I’m ok.
should I be the one to always make the first move?
shouldn’t I expect a bit more at this point in my pregnancy from my DH?

OP posts:
Cornishmumma24560 · 02/02/2025 08:20

Hercisback1 · 02/02/2025 08:09

Why do you go to therapy?

He doesn't seem that bad but none of us were actually there. Perhaps he thought you were asleep.

He’s not bad. He’s lovely and we have been married for 11 years. But we have different communication styles and different ways of dealing with things and so we sometimes have therapy to keep us on track and air out stuff that builds up. I was just making the point that I’m not abusive, I care about my husband a lot and make a great effort to keep us healthy. I just wanted a perspective on this situation yesterday as I felt he was being unsympathetic, but obviously I’ve been told otherwise 😂

OP posts:
SparklesGlitter · 02/02/2025 08:20

If my husband had given me silent treatment when I got back I wouldn’t be beating a path to his door. This is poor communication but doesn’t sound terminal. Texts have to stop though. It’s passive aggressive and won’t get things anywhere.

hindsight is a wonderful thing but if I’d been in your shoes I would’ve put another programme on for DD, put nuggets chips and beans on for her and declared take out for us. Or if I didn’t want to eat just say heading to bed early, can you pick something up for you on way home. It’s not that he’s not bothered, he’s just not a mind reader.

Cornishmumma24560 · 02/02/2025 08:24

SparklesGlitter · 02/02/2025 08:20

If my husband had given me silent treatment when I got back I wouldn’t be beating a path to his door. This is poor communication but doesn’t sound terminal. Texts have to stop though. It’s passive aggressive and won’t get things anywhere.

hindsight is a wonderful thing but if I’d been in your shoes I would’ve put another programme on for DD, put nuggets chips and beans on for her and declared take out for us. Or if I didn’t want to eat just say heading to bed early, can you pick something up for you on way home. It’s not that he’s not bothered, he’s just not a mind reader.

To be fair I had had a meal in the slow cooker all day which is why I put food out. And he didn’t get home until after her dinner anyway.
but I take your point. I just thought I had communicated all day my needs. I will avoid texting in future.

OP posts:
Hercisback1 · 02/02/2025 08:29

I don't think you had communicated very well. How about you agree a plan in the morning for the day when you're needing more support? Sounds like he would have taken 3yo out with him.

Cornishmumma24560 · 02/02/2025 08:37

Hercisback1 · 02/02/2025 08:29

I don't think you had communicated very well. How about you agree a plan in the morning for the day when you're needing more support? Sounds like he would have taken 3yo out with him.

I took a turn in the middle of the day. I started to get cramps and then was really overcome with fatigue: so much so before he left I couldn’t get off the sofa.
i communicated when he left I was worried these were pre term labour signs and to bring home extra bits for the hospital bag.
he said he would be an hour tops

OP posts:
jacks11 · 02/02/2025 08:45

Cornishmumma24560 · 02/02/2025 08:05

Thank you for this. I can’t believe the lack of understanding of the emotions of a heavily pregnant woman on ‘mumsnet’ of all places! I do appreciate honest feedback and take it all on. I’m happy to have a proper chat with him today: but it’s nice to hear that actually wanting your partner to check in on you and show a bit of care when I’m at this stage is not asking for the world.

Well, I’ve been pregnant 4 times, including one very complicated pregnancy, so I do know how it feels. Yes, you can be tired and irritable/emotional at later stages but it’s not an excuse to be unpleasant or behave however you want. Yes, it happens, none of us are perfect and we all make mistakes (as did your DH by not letting you know he was going to be longer than planned)- that is not the issue here. What is the issue is just that you were being unreasonable- we all do it, apologise and move on- the issue is trying to pretend that it’s fine because you are pregnant and for that reason he should just accept unreasonable behaviour.

From what you said in your post it wasn’t just not saying “hi” when he came in, you said you ignored him and carried on with what you were doing, then went to bed. It sounded like you were deliberately giving him the silent treatment as a way to communicate your anger. Which is manipulative and passive aggressive, regardless of being heavily pregnant or feeling unwell. It is unreasonable. If that is not the case, and all you did was not say hello and then carried on normally, then I apologise but it is not what you had suggested in your post.

I hate it when women use hormones/pregnancy as a free pass for whatever they’ve done. It might be the reason for you doing something and perhaps can be a mitigating factor, but it isn’t an excuse and it doesn’t make it ok- nor does it mean that others need to accept it without complaint.

As I said, if my DH had been giving me the silent treatment, I think I’d leave them to it and would not check on them, whether he was unwell or not. Partly because they are being passive aggressive, which I don’t have any time for, and partly because I would assume that they wanted some space and to be left alone. Perhaps he thought the same, when what I think you really wanted was to be fussed over a bit because you aren’t feeling well. Which is fine, but I can see why he would have left you to it. This has then annoyed you further, because you perceive it as lack of care, so you send an angry text, which he has ignored. As would I.

He hasn’t really done anything wrong- other than running late and not letting you know (which is annoying but not terrible behaviour)- he just hasn’t read your mind and worked out what you wanted. He has probably done what he thought best by giving you space, given you had suggested that is what you wanted by ignoring him. I understand that you wanted him to check on you/make a fuss, but I think you are unreasonable to be annoyed that he didn’t, in these circumstances. You were not feeling well, which you told him, and then went to bed. You asked him to get a bag ready (which presumably he did? If not, fair enough to be annoyed at that). If you needed something, he probably assumed you’d ask- which you were capable of because you did. Perhaps he thought you wanted to be left alone, or were asleep?

SparklesGlitter · 02/02/2025 08:46

Cornishmumma24560 · 02/02/2025 08:24

To be fair I had had a meal in the slow cooker all day which is why I put food out. And he didn’t get home until after her dinner anyway.
but I take your point. I just thought I had communicated all day my needs. I will avoid texting in future.

slow cookers are the best. Hope things are ok

Kizzy192 · 02/02/2025 09:04

Sorry I disagree with a lot of the comments YANBU. He's being selfish.

Enko · 02/02/2025 09:21

maddening · 02/02/2025 08:19

But he was also only meant to be 1 hour and was 3 hours instead

Reason why I said it goes for both of them.

I'm not saying dh was blameless. However one of the main issues with the silent treatment is that to the receiver, it can feel like a punishment or control. The receiver is shut out and left to wait until the person recovers. Sometimes they can talk them round, and sometimes not, so it can feel like they are at the silent person's mercy.

I spent my childhood with a mother who used the silent treatment and it took me many sessions with a therapist as an adult to unwind it.. I have never used it as an adult to my children or my husband.

I don't think op is an abuser I think she needs better communication strategies.. so better able to communicate her disappointment and her physical state not just "I feel awful actually" as her dh can't know what to do with this. If someone says that to me I likely wouldn't do much with it as if you ask "oh why" you are likely to get an angry response about how you never listen or "I'm pregnant"

Also both of them are lying to each other ansd themselves when they say he would be 1 hour at football. We all know they stay to the end of the match and he had a meeting to boot. So had they both been more honest about the timing better plans could have been agreed and op would have felt supported even if tired.

Enko · 02/02/2025 09:22

Cornishmumma24560 · 02/02/2025 08:20

He’s not bad. He’s lovely and we have been married for 11 years. But we have different communication styles and different ways of dealing with things and so we sometimes have therapy to keep us on track and air out stuff that builds up. I was just making the point that I’m not abusive, I care about my husband a lot and make a great effort to keep us healthy. I just wanted a perspective on this situation yesterday as I felt he was being unsympathetic, but obviously I’ve been told otherwise 😂

I do not think your are abusive op nor do I think you are a horrible person. I recall what 36 weeks pregnant was like. As I said in a response above you need better communication strategies. Therapy can help with that.

Cornishmumma24560 · 02/02/2025 09:32

No I didn’t paint the nursery. He was painting it and so I took her out in the morning, that was the plan but when I got back I became unwell.
we’re both working and busy I don’t think we need to justify finding the time to change my husbands office into a nursery. My baby won’t be in there for 6 months.
I cleaned the bathroom not to be a martyr but because my husband got in and took over the childcare and she had to have a bath and so the paints had to be cleared. Just because I’m grumpy and exhausted doesn’t mean I’m not a team player and I would’ve been happier if I could’ve got it done earlier. But because I felt rough I couldn’t.

but yes I think I didn’t handle it well and am a bit fed up so that point I do take.

OP posts:
Cornishmumma24560 · 02/02/2025 09:33

UPDATE: so I realise this was a bit of a non issue. Thanks to everyone for your comments. It was the perspective I needed as sometimes when you get in your head it’s so hard to see the other side.
i apologised this morning for my part and he apologised for being late. We’ve had a huge and we’ve moved on :)
appreciate you all

OP posts:
Cornishmumma24560 · 02/02/2025 09:38

jacks11 · 02/02/2025 08:45

Well, I’ve been pregnant 4 times, including one very complicated pregnancy, so I do know how it feels. Yes, you can be tired and irritable/emotional at later stages but it’s not an excuse to be unpleasant or behave however you want. Yes, it happens, none of us are perfect and we all make mistakes (as did your DH by not letting you know he was going to be longer than planned)- that is not the issue here. What is the issue is just that you were being unreasonable- we all do it, apologise and move on- the issue is trying to pretend that it’s fine because you are pregnant and for that reason he should just accept unreasonable behaviour.

From what you said in your post it wasn’t just not saying “hi” when he came in, you said you ignored him and carried on with what you were doing, then went to bed. It sounded like you were deliberately giving him the silent treatment as a way to communicate your anger. Which is manipulative and passive aggressive, regardless of being heavily pregnant or feeling unwell. It is unreasonable. If that is not the case, and all you did was not say hello and then carried on normally, then I apologise but it is not what you had suggested in your post.

I hate it when women use hormones/pregnancy as a free pass for whatever they’ve done. It might be the reason for you doing something and perhaps can be a mitigating factor, but it isn’t an excuse and it doesn’t make it ok- nor does it mean that others need to accept it without complaint.

As I said, if my DH had been giving me the silent treatment, I think I’d leave them to it and would not check on them, whether he was unwell or not. Partly because they are being passive aggressive, which I don’t have any time for, and partly because I would assume that they wanted some space and to be left alone. Perhaps he thought the same, when what I think you really wanted was to be fussed over a bit because you aren’t feeling well. Which is fine, but I can see why he would have left you to it. This has then annoyed you further, because you perceive it as lack of care, so you send an angry text, which he has ignored. As would I.

He hasn’t really done anything wrong- other than running late and not letting you know (which is annoying but not terrible behaviour)- he just hasn’t read your mind and worked out what you wanted. He has probably done what he thought best by giving you space, given you had suggested that is what you wanted by ignoring him. I understand that you wanted him to check on you/make a fuss, but I think you are unreasonable to be annoyed that he didn’t, in these circumstances. You were not feeling well, which you told him, and then went to bed. You asked him to get a bag ready (which presumably he did? If not, fair enough to be annoyed at that). If you needed something, he probably assumed you’d ask- which you were capable of because you did. Perhaps he thought you wanted to be left alone, or were asleep?

Thanks I do appreciate your input. It helped me to give a proper apology this morning and we’ve moved past the issue. I wouldn’t have been able to do this without a fresh perspective and help to see his side. He didn’t intentionally do anything to annoy me and intention is often everything.
I realise pregnancy isn’t an excuse but sometimes I think you just do deserve a bit of extra compassion because it’s physically and emotionally a lot. But you know that all too well.

OP posts:
debauchedsloth · 02/02/2025 09:40

Here's a couple of communication tips, OP.

See how shit you feel when you think posters have judged and criticise you? You feel and respond defensively. So that's what your DH is doing only he goes silent (you don't). So maybe stop that style of communication. The word "should" is always a judging word btw.

Don't confuse how you feel with a judgement. You do not feel it is reasonable to ask for some support blah blah- that's is a judgment. Even if you say "feel" not "think", you are not hiding the judgement aka criticism.

You feel... what? Let down? That's a judgement about what you believe should be the case. How did you feel? Overwhelmed? Vulnerable? Anxious? Powerless? Scared?

tangobravo · 02/02/2025 09:42

Gently, YABU

Moonnstars · 02/02/2025 09:43

Cornishmumma24560 · 02/02/2025 08:37

I took a turn in the middle of the day. I started to get cramps and then was really overcome with fatigue: so much so before he left I couldn’t get off the sofa.
i communicated when he left I was worried these were pre term labour signs and to bring home extra bits for the hospital bag.
he said he would be an hour tops

I don't think him saying he was only going to be an hour was reasonable...surely a football game is 1.5 hours and if he had a meeting as well. I would have clarified with him whether he was just going to the meeting and whether that was before the game, or whether it was expected he stay to watch the match. That's what I assume would have happened and why he was gone for so long.

I think this will be another issue in the future. Assuming he takes on this position this will leave you home with a toddler and baby each weekend during football season. Have you discussed how this will work?

Porcuporpoise · 02/02/2025 09:51

I'm glad you've made up with your dh @Cornishmumma24560 . It might not be reasonable to be unreasonable but we all do it sometimes so don't beat yourself up for it.

Cornishmumma24560 · 02/02/2025 12:26

Moonnstars · 02/02/2025 09:43

I don't think him saying he was only going to be an hour was reasonable...surely a football game is 1.5 hours and if he had a meeting as well. I would have clarified with him whether he was just going to the meeting and whether that was before the game, or whether it was expected he stay to watch the match. That's what I assume would have happened and why he was gone for so long.

I think this will be another issue in the future. Assuming he takes on this position this will leave you home with a toddler and baby each weekend during football season. Have you discussed how this will work?

He is already a manager for another team so this will be a reduction in responsibility so is a good thing for us overall :). Thanks for your comments

OP posts:
Cornishmumma24560 · 02/02/2025 12:51

Onwards and upwards

OP posts:
Cornishmumma24560 · 02/02/2025 12:53

myplace · 02/02/2025 07:52

Bloody hell!

Regular checking in with a woman who is physically massively burdened and could go into labour at any point is pretty bloody basic, especially when she’s said she’s struggling.

I mean, showing a bit of love and concern might be nice?

Sorry OP. I think he’s being a sulky arse. If anyone gets to be grumpy right now, it’s you!

Thank you. I think we both could’ve done better on reflection but I appreciate the empathy and understanding over my current situation. I still work, I do more than my share of the house and childcare, I often struggle that he doesn’t check in with me when I need it because I so rarely do. It was nice to see this post and made me feel a bit better even though I did fully apologise for my response today .

OP posts:
Cornishmumma24560 · 02/02/2025 12:55

myplace · 02/02/2025 07:52

Bloody hell!

Regular checking in with a woman who is physically massively burdened and could go into labour at any point is pretty bloody basic, especially when she’s said she’s struggling.

I mean, showing a bit of love and concern might be nice?

Sorry OP. I think he’s being a sulky arse. If anyone gets to be grumpy right now, it’s you!

Thank you. I think we both could’ve done better on reflection but I appreciate the empathy and understanding over my current situation. I still work, I do more than my share of the house and childcare, I often struggle that he doesn’t check in with me when I need it because I so rarely do. It was nice to see this post and made me feel a bit better even though I did fully apologise for my response today .

OP posts:
Cornishmumma24560 · 02/02/2025 13:03

MyProudHare · 02/02/2025 08:12

Oh god, another of these threads. The whole 'you're pregnant not ill' attitude and people thinking you don't deserve extra consideration due to late pg. Seen it all before on mumsnet.

OP, don't listen to the crap. I swear some of these people are trolling, of course you are not abusing your husband.

You are not unreasonable at all to expect basic love and care from your husband, ESPECIALLY when you're about to give birth.

He was two hours late home when he knew you were feeling shit, and even getting cramps in late pregnancy. I don't think he behaved well, tbh, doing that then not even asking how you were. I appreciate he did offer to take her, but also I think he should have prioritised getting home.

Edited

Thanks so much for this ❤️

OP posts:
beingmefinally · 02/02/2025 14:59

As you say, your husband put on a film for DD so that you could sleep. He was later than expected from the meeting that he was excited about. Did you ask how the meeting went when he got home? I see he didn't ask how you were immediately after he got in. He did give you time to sleep though and do what he could before leaving. He didn't send a text like the one you did. Maybe he was upset and worried about how he did in the meeting? Either way I would still ask if it had been on the calendar and my DP had been excited about it. I hope you are both alright xx

Boomer55 · 02/02/2025 15:01

He offered to take her out, and you said no. Fair enough, but what did you expect him to do? Pregnancy, if healthy, doesn’t stop normal life. 🤷‍♀️

CloudywMeatballs · 02/02/2025 15:06

You "took a turn"? What does that mean?