To ask what self care actually is

[ChainReacting]

Struggling at the moment with anxiety - have found a great GP, started on meds and CBT so ok so far.

I’m being told to go big on self care and realise that I’ve gotten to 52 without knowing what that is. I’m assuming exercise, better food and sleep (none of which I do) but is that it? I’ve googled but there is so, so much and it’s overwhelming.

Can anyone recommend a decent book or something easy to follow? And how do people learn about this, it now strikes me as a basic life skill that passed me by in the whirlwind of kids, work, parents, house etc.
All help and views appreciated!

Self care for me is priotising myself. Even if it's just simple things like a nice shower each day, a warm drink tea. looking after yourself being good to your body. Meditation maybe, relaxing music on YouTube. Reading. Walks outdoors. Good food. I think you get the gist. it does help to keep on top of these things as I suffer with MH also.

For me self care is about doing something for you which makes you feel better about yourself or helps you cope or manage your life better. It can be all sorts of things, depending on time, money etc. Think of it like a toolbox.
At the moment my self care consists of

• good skin care products
• going out for a walk
• a long hot bath
• breakfast with friends on Friday morning
• texting my son when Liverpool are playing a match
• talking to, cuddling the cat
• reading a boom
• going to the gym
• getting my nails done
• hairdressers
• chai latte from Starbucks
• my allotment

What I do depends on what free time I have

I think you should start with a list of things you enjoy doing as ultimately that's individual.

But yes, the building blocks are health - so sleep, good food , water, movement.

It will be different for everyone but here’s my take.

Lots of sleep, including afternoon naps.
Loads of tea
No alcohol
Take time out for face packs, nail care, hair care
Lots of walking in nice green spaces or along the beach.
Get a dog
Or a cat
Reading books
Solo trips to cinema/theatre/museums and galleries
Time with friends and family ( but only the ones I don’t secretly hate, or who don’t hate me)
Eating what I want, when I want. I don’t mean gorging myself on chocolate, I mean just pleasing yourself. If you want to make an Apple crumble and have some for dinner instead of spaghetti then do it!
Booking holidays and long weekends to places I want to go. Alone if I want.
Watching whatever shit I fancy on tv.
Saying no and rigorously policing my boundaries.

I hope this is useful to you. Good luck.

Self care is different for everyone so I don’t think a book would be helpful. For some it’s going on long walks, doing yoga and sound baths, eating really healthy meals and sleeping lots. For others it’s laying on the sofa watching their favourite film and eating a pizza.

It’s finding what you enjoy and what brings you a bit of peace. Things that make you feel good and give you some time to disconnect.

Self care for me is a day of not much housework, a nice long walk, a long bath and my favourite thing for dinner. Reading a book and disconnecting from the world for a bit.

For me the first thing I do when upping my self care are all cheap and easy

• Moisturising body, hands and feet
• Turn the TV off and read
• Swap out alcohol for nice herbal teas
• If watching TV then wholesome things or low adrenaline things particularly nature programmes so Coast, Countryfile, Springwatch.

It might be good to ask people you know what they do.

For me, getting out and walking every day, even if it's only for a few minutes, makes the most enormous difference to everything. Better still if it's an hour or two.

Just making sure that I do something each day which is preceded by 'I want to...' rather than 'I should...' Could be a lot of things. A bath. Rereading a favourite novel or children's book. Having a baked potato for dinner with a knob of butter and nothing else. Or fancier stuff like booking a massage, buying a book.

Anything that involves doing something for yourself that you love.
for me going to the gym for an hour each day is self care because i feel so good when i'm there. But some days i might decide to lay on the sofa with a nice cup of tea and read a book.
it could be anything like getting your nails done, have a relaxing bath, meditation, getting a massage.

Self- care is saying no, or delegating, sometimes.

Self-care to me is doing something that will help your future self.

Sometimes that is putting my feet up and resting. Other times it’s stuff like exercise or meal-prepping or organising my finances. I may not enjoy it at all at the time, but it is for my own good.

Imagine you have to look after someone you love very much who is relying on you to look after them - say a beloved grandma who has the flu or a child.

Self-care is looking after yourself the way you'd look after someone you love who is dependent on you.

So things like
making them a healthy breakfast,
bringing them a nice cup of tea or coffee or whatever they prefer if they are feeling a bit down.
making sure they are clean, washed and dressed in clean clothes and presentable, hair brushed and so on.
ensuring they have eaten properly - ideally three balanced meals a day.
if they have likely vitamin deficiency (Vitamin D no sunshine, Vit C not enough citrus) giving them a supplement.
drinking enough fluid in the day.
providing them some with some leisure activity they enjoy - a good book, sort of film or tv they like, knitting - whatever their bag is.
a bit of exercise if they can manage it - a short walk is better than nothing.
reasonable bed time and enough sleep.

For me, the best way to do actual, effective, self-care is to pretend that I'm my own mum, What would I nag me to do even if in doubt want to because it's for my own good? What would I want to do without in other areas to be able to afford because it's good for my social/mental/financial/physical wellbeing? Are you staying up too late? Are you eating too much junk foods? Are you hanging out with the wrong people? Are you working too hard and need to go outside and play for a while? Are you wearing clean clothes? Is your room clean and tidy and decorated, with space for all your things?

It might be as basic as brushing your teeth, or as complex as seeing a doctor or financial advisor or decluttering consultant. It might be as boring as writing a budget or as fun as taking up a new hobby or going out dancing regularly.

If, like me, you had an abusive childhood, I can also recommend getting yourself (child self) a teddy bear.

Books - The Subtle Art of Not Giving A Fuck by Mark Manson

Using the nice things and buying the nice things I want and can afford without feeling like I should make do.

Like teabags. I always buy teapigs fruit tea at about £5 for 15 instead of a supermarket pack with 20 for a £1. Because I can afford it and I like it and noone goes without. I don't save them for best.

I wear make up because i enjoy putting it on even if I'm not going anywhere.

I buy amd wear nice undies and make sure none have holes or are left over maternity pants.

Saying no to things I don't want to do.

Sponsoring multiple charity pets every month because Iits my money and that's how I want to spend it and it makes me feel good and like I'm doing something of value.

I meal prep at the weekend because I'm taking care of future me, knowing I'll be grateful on a Thursday evening when I'm too tired to make proper food.

As others have said it varies depending on the person, it’s whatever helps you rejuvenated.

The main thing is making time for it. That might mean putting something in the schedule to make sure you have time to take it. If you have a partner and they are unsupportive or kids won’t get it, then your self care will need to be out of the house. It also sometimes means recognising when you are feeling burnt out and saying no. No, you’re not doing the washing up at the minute that you’re going to read a book. No, you’re not going to play with the kids at the minute you’re going to go for a walk. Repeat until the house gets it. You need to think of it like you’re on an airplane and they tell you to put your own life jacket on first before helping someone else.

Self-care looks different for everyone. For me, it means making sure my boundaries are respected. When I need to stay home and do nothing instead of go out to see in-laws or whatever, that for me is self-care. Hope you find what works for you xxx

Masturbation

Imagine how you care for a loved one. Maybe even your child if you have one. You want to make sure that they are healthy and happy. So you'd be likely to make sure they eat well, go to bed at an appropriate time, bathe or shower daily, use nice moisturiser to keep their skin soft, speak to them kindly, pay them attention, get them fresh air. Now do all those things for yourselves because you deserve the same level of love and care.

The best tip I've been given on self care is to ask yourself regularly 'can I do anything to make myself 1% more comfortable rat this moment?'.

That might be washing your hair, it might be putting on a cardigan because you're cold, it might be brushing your teeth because you have a horrible taste in your mouth, it might be putting on fresh pajamas, it might be going to the toilet because you've held on.

Keep checking in with yourself, and focus on comfort.

Another book I found useful was Real Self Care by P. Lakshim, which separates it out from the bubble baths and consumerism which has overtaken it a bit.

I agree with this.

Of course good diet, sleep and exercise are necessary for physical wellbeing, self care is just as much about nourishing your mind and your soul. Everyone is different and things change.

For some it will be joining a book club or walking group. Others like going to church or live music. Ultimately it's doing something you like that's good for you. Or at least not totally unhealthy.

I think good self-care with anxiety is, as well as caring for your physical body, caring for your mind and trying to respond to your own needs. When my brain is being a massive bully I try to imagine what I would say to someone else who was thinking/feeling that and be more gentle with myself and how I 'speak' to myself. Try to respond to my needs more gently and more lovingly as I might to someone else's needs and feelings.
Making time to pause and breathe for example. Giving myself more credit for things. When I'm in a particularly bad place I find it helpful to (in a twist on gratitude lists) write down three things I did well each day or nice things people said to me.

My top self-help book recommendation is 'The Comfort Book' by Matt Haig (Also his 'Reasons to Stay Alive' and 'Notes on a Nervous Planet'
I also found 'Feel the Fear and Do it Anyway' helpful (by Susan Jeffers) and also 'Self-Compassion' by Kristin Neff

But Matt Haig's The Comfort Book is my absolute go-to in moments of crisis.

It's whatever makes you feel better

Doing things I want to do and prioritising myself but also doing stuff that I need to do to feel better but don't necessarily want to!
Then the basics of food, water, sleep etc

Start with the basic stuff - wash, clean teeth, eat, drink some water

I love a hot bath, a posh candle etc so that's my stuff I want to do

I don't particularly enjoy moisturising my feet or flossing but I do them to feel good and found flossing is quite enjoyable with a podcast or YouTube video on!

One example last year was after work I was boiling hot (summer) and grouchy. I could have stayed in but I dragged myself up a massive hill to plunge into the reservoir
Came home feeling a million times better

Following OP as I'm in a similar boat and had to figure out what I actually enjoy.

So far I've discovered a tea addiction, tapestry while listening to radio 4, dog walks with audio books and humbugs seem to float my boat. I've also joined a singing group once a week and am taking supplements daily. I had quite a few deficiencies so focusing on those and cooking from scratch even when it's just me.

For me self care is not bubble baths and nails, it's about putting my health and wellbeing first. So I got my peri menopause sorted with HRT, I go to the doctor when I need to and try to keep myself in the best condition I can. I try to prioritise exercise three times a week. I gave up alcohol as I feel so much better without. I have an early night when I'm tired. I tell my family when I'm feeling stressed and tired so they give me a bit of lee way. Recently in a very extreme self care step I left my stressful job and am taking a break before looking for a more suitable one. I can do more - I need to learn to unwind and be still, I need to eat better.