To ask what self care actually is

[ChainReacting]

Struggling at the moment with anxiety - have found a great GP, started on meds and CBT so ok so far.

I’m being told to go big on self care and realise that I’ve gotten to 52 without knowing what that is. I’m assuming exercise, better food and sleep (none of which I do) but is that it? I’ve googled but there is so, so much and it’s overwhelming.

Can anyone recommend a decent book or something easy to follow? And how do people learn about this, it now strikes me as a basic life skill that passed me by in the whirlwind of kids, work, parents, house etc.
All help and views appreciated!

Compassion Focused Therapy is great for this if you did want a book or an approach.

It’s a way of acknowledging distress without blame or shame, and then holding that attitude whilst you do something about it.

For me, it’s about making sure my 3 emotion systems are in appropriate balance - these are threat, drive and soothe. Usually soothe gets out of whack so concentrating on that - sleep, rest, pleasurable activities (without guilt!!), nutritious food, fresh air, speaking to myself as I would a friend.

Also checking in whether the things I’m doing are broadly in line with my value base and whether I can make any changes there.

Self care is not a set of things you buy or pleasures you give yourself - although these may be the outcome of self care.
Self care is listening to yourself (mind body spirit) and responding accordingly. It might be lying in bed doing nothing all day is self care for some, for others it might be a day of gardening! It might be reading, it might be having a takeaway. It might be going to a place of worship or going out with friends.

I bet you OP don't actually know what you enjoy or what you need, very much. So it may be self care for you starts with learning to listen to yourself own needs and wants.

Ask yourself what you feel. What you need. Then give that feeling honour and a loving response.

For me it's having time to wash, dry and straighten my hair, to sit down and take time to do my nails, treat myself to some nice chocolates every so often, do what exercise i want to do, in summer spend some time sitting in the garden and not doing jobs. Those things all make me feel good.

This

Whatever makes you feel good/happy/relaxed etc, everyones list will be slightly different.
It's about carving out some time for you, without that then what are we doing? It's not living. We have to look after ourselves so we can do all the other shit in life.

My self care today is Netflix, foot bath and going for a walk in the woods.

It's doing whatever you need to do to recharge your batteries. Yesterday I lit a fire in the garden and baked potatoes in salt dough. I love a fire.

Also the usual exercise and sleep and good meals.

It's about meeting your needs.

So the basic needs first such as:
Nutrition
Hydration
Exercise
Rest
Hygiene (teeth brushing, showering) and health (taking medication regularly)

Those are fundamental.

Then there are other needs like psychological or emotional needs.

These are different for everyone but probably about getting the balance that is healthy for you, e.g.

Balancing work with leisure activities that restore you
Balancing activity with rest
Doing things that make you feel fulfilled such as seeing friends, participating in a hobby, whatever helps meet your emotional needs.

I think self care is about paying attention to what you need and fulfilling those needs. Starting with the most basic ones.

It's whatever makes YOU feel relaxed and
nurtured.
For some people it's having the time to go to the gym or a 5k run.
For others it's a lie in or a bath.

Have a look at Better Second Half by Liz Earle, OP.

Self care looks different for all of us- for me personally, I need to get away from the house to really engage. My new New Year’s resolution (new because January was a wash out so starting again!) is to focus on getting to exercise classes or swimming a couple of times a week, and then trying to prioritise giving myself an afternoon off and going for a facial or something like that once a month or so.

Ooh and also Self Care for the Real World by Nadia Narain.

Eat and drink sensibly.

Get enough sleep.

Go to the dentist at least once a year (it’s amazing how many people don’t).

Get regular smear tests (find the time, it’s not fun but it’s important).

Do some exercise every day (walking is fine).

Wear sensible shoes (sounds weird but so many people don’t look after their feet).

Get your hair trimmed every four months.

Do the social stuff you want to do. If someone suggests something and it makes your heart sink then turn it down promptly. Similarly, if you know a day is going to be too busy, don’t allow someone to try to squeeze an extra visit of errand in - say that you won’t be able to fit that in.

All the stuff about meditation, nails etc are up to you.

Also (sorry!) go to the optician every couple of years. It’s amazing how many people don’t and still drive.

Self care to me is loving yourself and love who you really are.
Putting yourself first always.
Always wear a smile even if you feel down.

I have a young baby and so self care is very hard to fit in. To do it I have a table next to my bed and the crib with water, vitamins (a multi and magnesium), nice hand cream, lip balm, facial wipes and face cream, a book and a lamp. I also take a thermal flask of herbal tea up me when I go to bed with him. Once I've got him down or when I'm letting him snuggle in bed with me waiting for I can use all of these things without getting out of bed.

For me, it is doing what I would give as advice to a friend. Quite basic stuff though. Eat healthily, exercise consistently, get enough sleep, good hygiene, don't take unnecessary risks, live within my means, don't do things detrimental to my mental health, see friends regularly, go to my health checks, think about future needs.

I'm mid fifties and I am prioritising an independent old age - strength, mobility, flexibility, stamina and health. These are my self care goals.

@PicaK

Have they not given you a BACE planner? It really forces you to think about self-care

Thank you for posting this. I've never heard of a BACE planner so googled it - actually looks like a useful thing to have if you want to monitor how you are looking after yourself quite apart from planning ahead.

https://www.get.gg/docs/BACEdiary-weekly.pdf

Great thread

Staying away from horrible people!

Look up 'the five ways to wellbeing'

UnimaginableWindBird

For me, the best way to do actual, effective, self-care is to pretend that I'm my own mum, What would I nag me to do even if in doubt want to because it's for my own good?

Excellent advice! I can actually hear my dead mum sighing behind me sometimes :). Ofcourse this is if you've had a decent mum. With an abusive mum you would have to imagine what a caring, devoted, loving mother would tell you.

For me it’s basic human needs like getting enough vegetables, protein, iron, water intake and movement that comes under stretching, cardio and strength. Plus sun and fresh air. I struggle!

For me it’s getting a massage, getting nails done, sitting in a nice coffee shop, reading, taking a long bath, putting on a face mask, walking amongst nature by myself 😊

I have a tip, based on your plans, which is maybe for now ditch the timings. I find if I say 'Go for a one-hour walk) and I only manage 30 mins, it feels like I've failed, whereas if I say 'go for a walk' and only manage 10 mins, it feels like I am on track, looking after myself. That turns into a virtuous circle, rather than guilt and failure which can make you lose heart and stop trying.

Maybe aim just to get into the habit of things that are good for you and you enjoy without turning them into a test you might struggle to pass, if that makes sense.

For me self care is trying to stop rushing around and have 5 minutes to myself, with a coffee on the sofa, feet up just with my own thoughts.

Having my hair done, legs shaved, nails filed and just generally making an effort with my appearance always makes me feel better.

Going to bed early is probably the most important one for me.

Are any of the things you do from jumping out of bed to collapsing into it habits that aren't strictly necessary? If you ditched some of them, would the world fall apart? Can you delegate any of them? Can you genuinely not spare 5 mins to do some simple yoga stretches or do a quick online meditation?

Can you enhance things you do anyway? If you are going to shower anyway, why not find a shower gel that you absolutely love the scent of instead of whatever you bought for the DC? If you are going to grab breakfast anyway, why not brew a fresh coffee or tea that you really enjoy, and something nutritious rather than sugary? You are definitely going to get dressed/buy clothes at some point, so why not wear your nicest outfits, and next time you shop choose cuts and colours that make you feel good, not just something safe and dull? If you are cooking or sorting laundry anyway, why not put on your all-time favourite music or a fascinating podcast while you do it? These small shifts can start to make a difference.

@SereneCapybara I get the gist of what you're saying, but in most instances no, not really. I don't go shopping for new clothes, no budget for that. Although the very occasional charity shop rummage can be fun. Breakfast is on the go while doing a bit of housework and getting the kids and I out the door.
Fancy toiletries maybe, yes. 5 mins yoga when all I want to do is fall into bed? Again it is something I've tried but just feels like another chore to tick off the list. Sorry for sounding negative but a lot of these things feel either time or money consuming. I delegate a fair bit to the kids already and am grateful for their help.

What a thoughtful comment, thank you! It made me pause. I do love the three exercise classes I do a week. And I love reading and do plenty of that. I am taking the time out of work to try to get out of my 'must be productive and purposeful' mindset that I think work had put me in. So I'm trying not to add things in, just take things out at the moment. And hopefully into that space more 'love' things will come!