To ask what self care actually is

[ChainReacting]

Struggling at the moment with anxiety - have found a great GP, started on meds and CBT so ok so far.

I’m being told to go big on self care and realise that I’ve gotten to 52 without knowing what that is. I’m assuming exercise, better food and sleep (none of which I do) but is that it? I’ve googled but there is so, so much and it’s overwhelming.

Can anyone recommend a decent book or something easy to follow? And how do people learn about this, it now strikes me as a basic life skill that passed me by in the whirlwind of kids, work, parents, house etc.
All help and views appreciated!

Oh thank you all for taking the time to list such lovely different things, I wouldn’t have thought of many of these but would like to try most of them. This is such a useful thread to come back to!

I’ve sat down and made a list of five things to start with
— a one hour walk outside everyday
— plan my food and cook
— 30mins a day to read / bath / tea
— have enough clean, decent clothes
— reduce all screens

I’ve also reserved three of the books mentioned so will start those.

Another basic question - do you all keep specific time free or just see how the day goes. Also any tips for sticking to it?
Am ‘fortunate’ as am medical leave from work so have time but there’s a risk I just won’t get out of bed!
Again, thanks to everyone who had replied!

I think scheduling it in vs not depends on you and your family. If you are the type of person who will only go to a gym class if you’ve pre-paid for it, then you might need to schedule it in. But you don’t want to schedule in an hour walk everyday only to find it’s not helping having another thing on your to-do list. You might need to schedule some and not schedule some and see which works for you. It’s probably a balance between both though, some that you have paid for and have to keep but some that you just recognise in the moment that reading a book is better for you than doing laundry. Obviously certain self care things will have to be scheduled such as beauty treatments or gym classes.

Am ‘fortunate’ as am medical leave from work so have time but there’s a risk I just won’t get out of bed!

If that’s what you need to take care of yourself, then that’s what you do. Self care doesn’t have to be “productive”. Some days self care will be going for a walk and eating a nutritious lunch, doing a facial. Other days self care will be sitting on the sofa with a bag of Doritos and watching selling sunset. You need to start tuning into whether your body and soul need rest, solitude, exercise, stimulation (which is easier said than done).

My therapist likes the term ‘mindful masturbation’, in the context of self-care.😀

Self care to me can look so varied

Spending 20 mins alone (young kids)
A long bath soak
A walk in the woods
Saying no to plans
Having a day doing nothing
Eating well and nurturing my body
Brushing my teeth twice a day (yep things got really bad at times)
Pottering about the garden
Going to the beach
Doing something crafty/ creative

Basically anything that recharges the old part of me that I've lost. Reconnecting with what makes me feel calm and fulfilled

Also if there's days when you don't get out of bed whilst you're signed off, it's ok to just be. A big part of it for me is just listening to my body and working out what I need in the moment/ day.

I am also off work - have been for a while as I developed a panic disorder.
To be honest, if you need a day or half a day in bed that is what you need! When I first got ill I found it physically impossible to get out of bed (serious deficiencies and other issues meant it was genuine fatigue) and I am of the firm opinion that I should have done this far sooner. If I had been more into self care I would probably have been to see the GP a lot sooner, got therapy for multiple life events, etc. As it was I pushed through, felt I had to as there is no one else, which I managed to do for years before crashing very badly. I now try to track my sleep with a watch and make sure I get 8 to 9 hours sleep (magnesium has helped regulate that as I used to have insomnia). I am also now not scared to nap; something I never could do before - there was a LOT of guilt I had to let go of around being productive and keeping in control. If you can borrow a dog to walk that always makes sure I get out for an hour or two a day!

You have done so well. These are great achievements.🙌

Moving forward, can you do something that you love? Alongside the something you need?

For me it’s about making choices that improve my wellbeing or make my life smoother, calmer, more organized or more enjoyable.

Taking care of my health, being mindful of my energy levels, having good boundaries in relationships (ie not agreeing to do or accept things that make me feel uncomfortable, and not feeling guilty about saying no), doing things that help relax me, that I enjoy or that bring me a sense of achievement or value.

And it’s about talking to myself the way that I would talk to someone I love; kindly, even when I’m giving advice or addressing an issue. I’m not horrible to myself, I don’t call myself names or berate myself over mistakes.

Things that are physically and mentally good for you. Exercise, sleep and good food will tick both boxes but there might be other things such as taking some time to do a favourite hobby or see friends. Or even do stuff in the home to make it a more pleasant environment for example.

For me, things that are purely unhealthy wouldn't count as self care , even if a treat- so eating a takeaway, watching hours of TV in one go, as they would be a short term indulgence but in the long run counter productive

My family is complete, youngest now goes to preschool in the morning and I have time to dedicate to myself. I went for a blood test, dicovered my iron and vit D were low again and started treatment. I started to exercise and lose weight.I've donated clothes that don't fit and will buy pieces slowly to add to a new wardobe. O want to make more considered choices. I am self employed and doing more shifts when I can and avoiding very busy times of the year. I read to each of my 3 every night which I love but I'm reading for myself again too.

I bought some advent calendars so I have some lovely skincare to try and have established a morning and evening skincare routine. I have a long soak in the tub once a week and have some lovely bath oils to try. I have started painting my nails again and using a hair mask twice a week. I use a face mask and under eye patches once a week.

For me it's about carving time for myself to live better.

These are all such good ideas...but I'm struggling to work out when it's possible to do any of them?
It was suggested to me recently to challenge myself to do one small thing a day for myself. I love the idea, and see how important it is, but a week in i still haven't managed! I could get up even earlier in the morning but that seems counter productive in terms of getting enough sleep? I hit the ground running every morning i get up and don't stop until I go to bed..has anyone found creative ways of fitting things in?

When it's not possible to find time or energy to DO something, self-care can be about what you don't do. For me that might be, not having a glass of wine when I've finished my chores because I know it disrupts my sleep. It might be not giving myself a hard time about not getting everything done I wanted to get done. It might just be taking five minutes before I sleep to think about something that made me happy in the day.

I like that idea @Jumblebum thank you! Finding something every day was feeling like a chore which I'm sure isn't the point!

I like that idea @Jumblebum thank you! Finding something every day was feeling like a chore which I'm sure isn't the point!

I find a useful mental image is to think of yourself as having a wellbeing bucket - lots of things cause the bucket to leak, but there's also a tap you can turn on to refill it. Self care can mean fixing leaks by tackling things that stress and drain you, but that's not always possible, so you also need to think about what you can do to turn up that tap so there's more flowing in than out.

If you've been ignoring your own needs for years it can take time to tune in to how you're feeling and what your personal fillers and drainers are. So experiment - and even things that don't work perfectly are still beneficial because they are done with the motivation to nurture yourself. And if it feels selfish, remember you can't pour from an empty bucket, and taking a little care of you can really benefit others.

Self care starts with being able to ask yourself what you need
And then meeting that need

It might be as simple as a glass of water sometimes

Enjoy your discoveries and keep looking for the glimmers :)

Have they not given you a BACE planner? It really forces you to think about self-care. Including a link below but you can Google different ones.
For me I start the day with a cup and saucer for my coffee or tea. It's a tiny step but in a mad world it just elevates the eat/drink. Those few extra seconds to get the saucer - to treat myself, to pay attention to my needs. It sets my brain on a different path each day.
It's really hard to realise there is no joy in your life, that you've neglected yourself. You cannot do it all at once and it takes time.

If the care team looking after you haven't suggested this yet then maybe you are still at the stage where you need to rest and recuperate. And that's the most important first step.

If you’re worried about getting out of bed I’d recommend developing a schedule. Your five things sound great, they may change over time but they are a really good set to start with. The main point of self care is prioritising those things over the wants of others. So you can go with the flow to some extent, but don’t slip into squishing your walk around xyz. Recognise that these things are important for your mental health, so need to take priority over cleaning your DHs shirts or whatever.

Thank you for this - I hadn't heard of it. I have had to wait nearly a year for 6 weeks of CBT (all about how to stop panic attacks) but there's not been any help for the illness or near death experience other than this. I think the BACE checklist will be helpful as I am realising I hermit myself and avoidance is becoming a habit - the connect with others will remind me to do that more. Thanks.

Another basic question - do you all keep specific time free or just see how the day goes. Also any tips for sticking to it

I have every other Saturday walking/ hiking weather permitting.

I usually reserve Sunday afternoon for either cooking (I find chopping veg relaxing) or reading.

I like planning things so I am probably a bit rigid when it comes to seeing how the day goes.... I somehow always have a plan B.
Also, I an allowed my 1st cup of coffee in the morning in peace! Easier now that DC are teenagers but even when they were little, they would wait with the bombardments until the cup was empty!
Nowadays it's only the dog watching me closely for the chance of a walk & breakfast 🤣

It’s different for everyone. For some people who have severe depression it might just be taking a shower and putting on clean clothes. I see on insta going doing the big shop without toddlers hanging off your ankles is self care. It’s different for everyone

for me it’s

• eating well
• exercising
• having my nails and brows done
• skin care routine
• reading some of my book each day
• Sunday night I have meditation music a candle and a lavender diffuser on as my relaxation time before the new week starts
• massages as a treat every now and then
• date time with my husband

it’s whatever you feel you need to have some time to yourself, to prioritise your needs, to feel relaxed.

Some great posts here.

I once read the phrase ‘self care doesn’t always feel very good’ and I liked this, as I think self care is more than ‘lighter stuff’ like bubble baths, relaxing with a good book and a cup of tea/hot chocolate or a nice face cream (although they all play their part).

I divide my self care into different blocks. These are my things - some apply to everyone, others are individual.

Medical - it is self care to make sure I have the main health checkups once a year: dentist, optometrist, doctor (add whatever you need).

Baseline - it is self care to make sure I get 8-9 sleep per night, to limit alcohol and sugar, eat lots of leafy greens and enough red meat, and to get 10,000 steps a day/30 min walk a day. Meditation each night.

Appearance - it’s self care to shower every day, to have a skincare regime I take time to do at night and in the morning, and to put on nice simple makeup I know how to do with good quality products each day. To have nice (and enough) underwear and clothes to look (and more importantly feel) nice and presentable each day. I’d add relaxing baths etc here but I don’t like them!

Financial - to have an emergency fund, also to have money set aside for fun things I’d like to do (I see the fun things as self care).

Something to look forward to each day/week - drink or lunch or telephone call with a friend, plans for dinner and a play/movie, a weekend away, my favourite author releasing a book, season 2 etc of a new tv show coming out, the season of Christmas or Halloween etc, the daily Wordle/crossword, working on a task/project - a jigsaw, or decluttering the garage, or sorting photo albums (digital or real) etc.

Small things in the moment - sleeping in, getting my favourite takeaway when too tired to cook, having a chocolate treat at lunch, relaxing at the end of a long day with a cup of tea, an unexpected chance for an early finish at work, a beautiful sunset etc.

It’s not just one thing, but I find when the baseline things are taken care of on kind of ‘autopilot’ (drs appts, sleep, movement/exercise, good food etc), then I have headspace to focus on the smaller things of self care that bring me joy, and they do bring me a lot of joy. But without the baseline things, the smaller self care things don’t seem to have as big an impact. That’s why I remind myself ‘self care doesn’t always feel very good’ and really force myself to ge the big things right.

It’s simply looking after yourself to be at your best. It’s quite personal what that actually looks like.

I agree with the other suggestions here but I want to suggest something else super silly OP... A nighttime skincare routine.

I'm not a skincare girly at all. Never bothered before. Never cared.

After a really bad bout of mental health last year, I decided to do everything I could to pick myself up to return to work whilst awaiting NHS treatment (waiting lists are years long). One of the many straws I grasped at was starting a skincare routine before bed. No idea why, as I said I was trying everything.

And you know what, somehow it bloody helped. I think it was the 15 minutes of literally focusing on nothing but myself was what helped? No idea. Maybe it was the lovely skin as a result! Somehow my body dysmorphia improved a bit too, perhaps because I was looking in the mirror regularly doing something other than body checking. I ended up enjoying it and having the time to exhale whilst doing it.

So maybe try this too? I'd prioritise having a daily shower and brushing teeth etc, but if you have the energy in the tank, try the skincare! It's super silly but I really think this one silly thing did help me.

Self care is about not treating the basic necessities in life as if they were luxury options when it comes to yourself. You deserve to have, and must find time for, daily hygiene - showers, teeth, hair, clean clothes. A comfortable bed with clean, warm bedding. Healthy, nutritious food. Time for medical check ups, exercise, meeting up with friends and family who listen and support as often as they download and demand. Time for fun, to pursue your own interests.

It helps to ask yourself how you would feel if you insisted your child or closest friend was treated the way you treat yourself. If you feel it would be cruel to insist they wear shabby clothes or skip breakfast or survive on four hours sleep, or run ragged taxiing everyone else around to their hobbies with no time for one of their own, then remind yourself it's cruel to treat yourself that way too. Be as kind to yourself as you are to others.