Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

How are people managing to pay the bills in this shit show

623 replies

Allthenameshavegone1972 · 01/02/2025 14:44

My daughter, fiance & dgs moved into their small, rented house nearly 3 years ago. Finding it a big struggle every month with the rent being £860. We, & her in-laws are guarantors for their rent.
I've found out her fiance has asked to borrow money for rent from his mum & for the second time my daughter has asked to borrow as he has not had the overtime. They obviously can't afford it. Both trying to get pay rises but it's hard in this day & age.
At the grand old age of 60 I was hoping to take a break from my office job, which I hate, for a few months and then go temping or work part time. We can afford for me to do that. If, on the other hand, I'm working full time then we can afford to be guarantors for their rent. Cant win either way!
She wishes theyd never rented now. They were living with her inlaws who have the space for them. She wishes she'd saved that rental money for a deposit instead. Their only option is to go back living with them, or all us parents carry-on working til we drop to pay for their rent. At 60 years old we should not have the pressure of working til we drop to pay for our adult dc's rent. We're not going to be in the best of health to work forever as we get older.
My dd is despairing, saying that she can't see life getting any better. I agree, unless us parents die relatively young without needing a care home and they inherit from us.
This shit show of a housing & col crisis is at breaking point, something had to be done, but I don't know what! 😡😡

OP posts:
Suzuki76 · 02/02/2025 09:22

AliceSpringsEverywhere · 02/02/2025 09:16

It suggests OP has access to her daughter's accounts! Online or something.

I did wonder if her daughter had a Check My File account or similar that she allowed her mum to log in to but surely she wouldn't let her see her fiancé's?

Bjorkdidit · 02/02/2025 09:42

AliceSpringsEverywhere · 02/02/2025 09:18

My DS paid a mortgage of around £750 as his first home ( 2 bed flat) 3 years ago. Put down a £40K deposit. Prices have not risen since then for that flat (he's moved.)

What rate did he pay? 3 years ago is before the Truss debacle that fucked the economy.

This couple have a long way to go before they amass deposit unless that's where their money is going.

A £160k mortgage over 30 years at 4.5% interest costs just over £800 pm. But they'd need to save around £20k as a deposit and be able to find a property for that amount.

caringcarer · 02/02/2025 09:46

Lighterlilly · 01/02/2025 14:58

Exactly they each have over 1200 a month left, So over 2400 between them and that’s just for food and any other bills. They should be easily able to afford this rent.

Unless a lot of their money goes on paying off debt. Do they have debt OP?

AliceSpringsEverywhere · 02/02/2025 09:50

Bjorkdidit · 02/02/2025 09:42

What rate did he pay? 3 years ago is before the Truss debacle that fucked the economy.

This couple have a long way to go before they amass deposit unless that's where their money is going.

A £160k mortgage over 30 years at 4.5% interest costs just over £800 pm. But they'd need to save around £20k as a deposit and be able to find a property for that amount.

Interest rates are pretty much back now to where they were after the blip.

I have no idea what interest rates were then but his mortgage was no more than he'd been paying as a lodger in a shared house.

AliceSpringsEverywhere · 02/02/2025 09:52

caringcarer · 02/02/2025 09:46

Unless a lot of their money goes on paying off debt. Do they have debt OP?

OP answered this a few pages back- no debt.

TicklishRubyCritic · 02/02/2025 09:58

AliceSpringsEverywhere · 02/02/2025 09:52

OP answered this a few pages back- no debt.

Yes but this thread has opened the OP’s eyes on a number of issues relating to her daughters finances

plus… this daughter has a fiancee. Who knows what he’s up to

Allthenameshavegone1972 · 02/02/2025 10:04

@cakeorwine experian credit report. Not access to her bank account.

OP posts:
MaturingCheeseball · 02/02/2025 10:07

They are probably like several people I know - forever saying they have no money when either it’s not true (they just want others to pay for things) or they like life’s luxuries but think they’re necessities.

Hairdresser trips, nails, coffees, meal deals, Deliveroo….. these are all things that a lot of people do and then wonder why they have no money as those expenditures “don’t count”.

You don’t have to live a miserable existence with no treats, but halving all of these would save a lot of money.

AliceSpringsEverywhere · 02/02/2025 10:09

@Allthenameshavegone1972 If you want to help your DD out in any way, it would be better to save your money and contribute towards a deposit. That way you can control what it's going on.

That's what we did. It was never a 'given' but once they were able to get a mortgage and afford a first home, we offered an early inheritance to help.

TicklishRubyCritic · 02/02/2025 10:09

Allthenameshavegone1972 · 02/02/2025 10:04

@cakeorwine experian credit report. Not access to her bank account.

And her fiancé’s?

naemates · 02/02/2025 10:19

I'd say I'm not into shopping, but if I'm not careful I can fritter away loads of money in Home Bargains or the supermarket as it's not real shopping so it doesn't count. DH will visit a wee shop for an energy drink a couple of times a day when out and about with his work, and that's only a few pounds here and there so it doesn't count. Until you count it. It's easily done. Is your DD properly counting all these little things?

LetThereBeLove · 02/02/2025 10:23

*Allthenameshavegone1972 *
My DD and her DP have a young child and I have no idea how much they both earn although it cannot be more than your DD - it's none of my business. They rent a small house but I am not guarantor, nor ever would be.

I help 'financially' by buying DGS clothes or other things he needs, for which they are very grateful. They have never asked for help with paying their rent which is substantially high (£1200+ per month) and DD is currently on maternity leave.

You need to stop pandering to your adult DD and remove yourself as guarantor. She and her fiance will never be fully independent while they know they can rely on you and his mother to get them out of a hole of their own making.
You are blaming the COL crisis but in reality your DD and her fiance are bringing home a reasonable income with low rental costs. As countless pps have said, they need to budget properly.

cakeorwine · 02/02/2025 10:26

Allthenameshavegone1972 · 02/02/2025 10:04

@cakeorwine experian credit report. Not access to her bank account.

I think you know what needs to be done.
Like I said - I downloaded a year's worth of bank statements into Excel, put them into categories and sub categories (easy to tell from the details) and looked at the details.

It was a bit of an eye opener to see that much detail'

I am now going to do that monthly - just to keep an overview of my spending.

It's easy to see the big spends, the little but often spends and what is saved - and that goes elsewhere.

Truth25 · 02/02/2025 10:26

Op people are giving you a hard time because it does not sound right that two people working FT, with a low rent, state educated child is battling to make ends meet. It might be possible but something doesn't add up. Before lending her money, why don't you ask her to go through her expenses with you and I'm sure you will find out. I think if you are lending her money you do actually have a right to ask this.

SapphOhNo · 02/02/2025 10:28

If my DC were consistently asking for money to cover rent or other essentials. I'd have to insist on looking at 'the books' in more detail e.g. income vs all outgoings. I think you'll probably find there are some odd purchases that aren't essential. We'd all like the nice bits so we're not living to work but if its at the cost of essentials, priorities aren't in order (particularly if they think they have a access to 'Bank of Mum'.

CandidHedgehog · 02/02/2025 10:48

naemates · 02/02/2025 10:19

I'd say I'm not into shopping, but if I'm not careful I can fritter away loads of money in Home Bargains or the supermarket as it's not real shopping so it doesn't count. DH will visit a wee shop for an energy drink a couple of times a day when out and about with his work, and that's only a few pounds here and there so it doesn't count. Until you count it. It's easily done. Is your DD properly counting all these little things?

Same here. For me it’s TKMaxx and Homesense. I can easily drop £50 in there without thinking about it.

Luckily I have to drive to them (out of town shopping centre) so recently I just don’t go.

Tobycarvery11 · 02/02/2025 10:57

CandidHedgehog · 02/02/2025 10:48

Same here. For me it’s TKMaxx and Homesense. I can easily drop £50 in there without thinking about it.

Luckily I have to drive to them (out of town shopping centre) so recently I just don’t go.

Bloody love tkmaxx, almost spent £40 on glittery purple kids coat hangers for my daughter's wardrobe when she was about to start school because they matched her uniform. Untill I stopped looked at what I had in my hand and gave my head a wobble, I was with my granny and she was like "I didn't want to say anything because it's not my business, but I was hoping you wouldn't do that" 🤣🤣🤣

KittyFantastica · 02/02/2025 11:16

Hi @Allthenameshavegone1972 sorry to hear they're struggling. I've been in a similar situation (bar having a child at the time), so can give some input from how it was for us and what we did to sort it.

Before we were married, my husband and I wanted to get our own place to make sure we could live together well. We'd been together two years, but I was a shift worker and living at home so I could try to save. I didn't earn a lot, so wasn't saving much, but I tried. My partner was renting a single room in a house share, so also not saving a huge amount. Neither of us were on high wages.

When Covid happened, we both moved in with my mum and saved like mad. We both contributed to rent, bills and food, but at a significantly reduced rate. I was only just over minimum wage at the time, but I managed to save £10k in three years by living at home, and so did my partner. I was still a shift worker and paying almost £500 per month in commute costs on a low salary.

We moved into rented accommodation after a year and a half with my mum, and went from paying £400 a month (all inclusive of rent, bills, food, fuel, etc) to £1200 (£650 a month each) and that was just rent. It was a big adjustment, and our lifestyle had to change. We looked at every single expense we had, and cut back everything possible. We then made a strict spending plan and had to stick to it. This included having only one car between us, me changing jobs so I could work from home some days and save commute costs, managing shopping budgets, very strict 'fun money' allocation (days out, eating out, take aways, ordering stuff on Amazon, hobbies, etc.), and we also shopped around for the cheapest deals for internet, energy bills, phone contracts, etc. We both went down to sim only and both of us have paid £10 each for the last four years.

By making these changes, we managed to pay our rent and bills, plus save enough to get married and buy a house by the next year. This was literally when the housing market crashed too, so it wasn't by any means easy. We now pay £1300 mortgage for a small house with a rate of 4%, which is only £100 more than our rent was, and that was the cheapest rent around we could find at the time.

Something isn't adding up with income vs outgoings. I'm not saying they're hiding things per se, it may be that they just really need some help putting it all straight and into perspective. They can't rely on you and their PiL their whole lives to dig them out, so better to sit down with them now and have it all on the table.

What subscriptions do they have? How much are they spending on leisure, hobbies or online? Do they budget carefully for Christmas and birthdays? How often are they buying clothing, shoes, accessories, uniform and school bits for DD on top of bits for themselves? All of those things need to be talked about and taken into account. You need to know exactly how much each of them are paid and then work out a non-negotiable budget with them that allows everything to be paid and then whatever is left split between necessary spends and savings. If there's no fun money left, there's no fun money left. If they only have £100 left at the end of the month and they feel they need more, then they need to cut something else back to make it more. They're never going to save if they can get easy help from family.

I was also in the same boat as your daughter regarding credit score. I had no debt, but I'd never had a credit card and I'd been living at home, so my names weren't on the bills. In 2020, I opened a very basic credit card and put any small spends on it initially until I was comfortable using it. Then, when we moved, I put larger ones on such as an item of furniture or household products we needed, and I paid it off the moment my wages came in so I never incurred any interest. I also started paying household bills from my bank accounts. My credit score went from something like 600 to 900 in two years.

It really could be they're living beyond their means. It's very hard not to these days when everyone has things we want to keep up with or access to nice things like Netflix, Disney+, phone upgrades, decent cars etc. but if they can't pay their rent and bills for themselves, then they can't have non-essentials. It's simple as that. It needs to be that way or they won't ever save anything or have any financial stability.

It may also be that they are being sensible and they just don't know what else to cut back or chop and change, and that's where some help comes in. Reiterate that you're always willing to help them, but that doesn't mean paying their rent of them every time they've spent too much or haven't budgeted well enough.

If they need to move back in with the in laws then so be it, that's fine, but if they do they need to be made aware they are there to save, not spend, and they need to have saved XYZ (a reachable and reasonable amount for them) within a period of time or they will have to rent again.

BeDeepKoala · 02/02/2025 11:22

Why is your daughter engaged to someone who is broke? Didnt you teach her the importance of dating someone who has their shit together financially if she wants a good quality of life? What is going to happen if/when she has kids?

I think part of the problem is the idealistic attitude towards romance that a lot of modern Brits seem to have, where "being in love" is seen as a replacement for the more basic practicalities of life. Obviously love is important, but there is surely a balance.

Allthenameshavegone1972 · 02/02/2025 11:42

@BeDeepKoala what are you on about? Why are you trying to lay the blame at my door for her choice of partner?
You can't help who you fall in love with. He's not a waster, not lazy, not a cheat and absolutely adores her.
You don't get with someone because they have money and can give you a comfortable lifestyle. What's happened to equality, this is 2025, not the 1950's!
It takes 2 to build up a comfortable life.
Something has gone wrong with their budgeting and so it needs looking at. I'm not going to lay the problem at his door, for all I know it could be her.

OP posts:
JollyViper · 02/02/2025 11:44

BeDeepKoala · 02/02/2025 11:22

Why is your daughter engaged to someone who is broke? Didnt you teach her the importance of dating someone who has their shit together financially if she wants a good quality of life? What is going to happen if/when she has kids?

I think part of the problem is the idealistic attitude towards romance that a lot of modern Brits seem to have, where "being in love" is seen as a replacement for the more basic practicalities of life. Obviously love is important, but there is surely a balance.

You've also not read, you've seen what you wanted. They have a child

ACynicalDad · 02/02/2025 11:50

Unless they are paying a lot for childcare (which isn't forever) I'd suggest they need some budgeting help, that's not an awful rent.

Lighterlilly · 02/02/2025 11:53

BeDeepKoala · 02/02/2025 11:22

Why is your daughter engaged to someone who is broke? Didnt you teach her the importance of dating someone who has their shit together financially if she wants a good quality of life? What is going to happen if/when she has kids?

I think part of the problem is the idealistic attitude towards romance that a lot of modern Brits seem to have, where "being in love" is seen as a replacement for the more basic practicalities of life. Obviously love is important, but there is surely a balance.

Did you post on the wrong thread by mistake/ as I cannot for the life of me see how this comment relates to the op?

JollyViper · 02/02/2025 11:55

ACynicalDad · 02/02/2025 11:50

Unless they are paying a lot for childcare (which isn't forever) I'd suggest they need some budgeting help, that's not an awful rent.

No childcare fee another not actually reading thread/ ops updates.

TicklishRubyCritic · 02/02/2025 12:05

This couple have managed to completely convince the op that they’re as pure as the driven snow
combined with fact that the OP appears very close minded

means that this couple or this fiancé have managed to make the Op believe that it’s the economy that means they’re relying on family payouts rather than… they make a very decent income (which the Op didn’t know until this thread) but clearly over spend

a problem with budgeting… is overspending OP or the consequence of overspending (debt)