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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be disgusted by partner?

67 replies

Denimdungarees1756 · 01/02/2025 08:30

Me and my partner have been together for coming up to 10 years, we have a house and a 2 year old DD.

Over the past 10 years DP has progressively put more and more weight on until he's now at the point he is morbidly obese. He groans at every movement he makes, he's out of breath just walking down the stairs and he can't even sit on the floor with DD for more than 5 minutes.

I love him but he's become so difficult to live with. He doesn't look after himself, shower, wash his clothes regularly, brush his teeth, help around the house or help with DD. He's so moody and irritable but will refuse to go to sleep until the early hours of the morning every night. The only things he will eat are frozen, such as chicken nuggets, fish fingers, chips etc.

We both work full time, Mon-Fri, and if I suggest we do anything nice at the weekend with DD such as go to the park or go for a walk, he gets in a mood and suggests going for a meal. The only thing he's interested in is eating out which is obviously not fun for a 2 year old!

I've tried helping him with his washing, cooking for him (even adapting my meals to suit him), I've tried asking him to go to the doctors, I've talked to him about how worried I am about his health and mental health but nothing works.

I'm at the point we're his breathing, snoring, scratching and smelling is making me disgusted. AIBU? Any suggestion on what to do next?

OP posts:
sparepantsandtoothbrush · 01/02/2025 08:36

I love him

Why? He sounds grim

Catza · 01/02/2025 08:39

Leave and let him get on with it. You can't love someone and be disgusted by them at the same time. Often we convince ourselves we love someone simply because we are scared of making a change.

Original poster
Denimdungarees1756 · 01/02/2025 08:39

I keep thinking about the person he used to be, and he can be lovely. But the bad parts are basically taking over. I guess I'm just hoping for some salvation.

OP posts:
bellsend · 01/02/2025 08:40

Have you spoken to him? Told him how you feel, and asked him how he’s feeling?

Meadowfinch · 01/02/2025 08:45

The lack of hygiene would kill it for me, and his selfish attitude. So the only thing that matters is what he wants to do, not your Dd's needs.

I'd have one last talk with him. Explain bluntly that he needs to clean up, go to the doctor, start eating sensibly and take an interest in your dd or you will leave. You will help with cooking him decent food but he has to make an effort or it is over and the house goes on the market.

Give him a month, while you get your ducks in a row.

Mmmokthen · 01/02/2025 08:46

You need a brutally honest conversation about how you feel. Tell him EVERYTHING you wrote here. He will either be shocked into change or he will stay the same. He sounds like a slob, I’m not surprised you’re disgusted.

tbh I’d also talk about the morbidly bit of how obese he is. Does he want to live to see his daughter grow up, or is he ok to put her through potentially losing a parent? You can’t just keep growing in weight with no serious effect on health or life expectancy.

He needs a reality check on all fronts.

thepariscrimefiles · 01/02/2025 08:48

Morbid obesity is a life-limiting condition and a type of self-harm. Is there anything in his childhood that could have caused his food issues and lack of self-care?

Whatever the reasons for his relationship with food, you don't have to stay with him. His weight and his lack of personal hygiene sound difficult enough for you to deal with but his refusal to take part in any activities that his child would enjoy would be a deal breaker for me.

If you issued an ultimatum that unless he seeks medical help you will be planning to leave him, do you think he would agree to do that?

username299 · 01/02/2025 08:55

Did anything trigger this change? He sounds like he's killing himself and has given up on life. He sounds really depressed.

momofonex · 01/02/2025 08:56

I think you need to have a very firm conversation with him and give him an ultimatum

GabriellaMontez · 01/02/2025 09:00

How did you have sex with this man? Physically... but also emotionally. A smelly, enormous, moody man... how? You haven't said said anything nice about him.

arethereanyleftatall · 01/02/2025 09:03

Ok. So what you meant is - you used to love him and are clinging on to that because you're scared of change?

What do you love about him today? Like right now, what has he done today/past week that make you love him? Because today is all that counts.

VoodooRajin · 01/02/2025 09:06

Is he a gamer

IButtleSir · 01/02/2025 09:18

It's definitely ultimatum time.

As a bare minimum, he needs to:

  • shower every morning;
  • wear clean clothes every day;
  • brush his teeth every morning and evening;
  • do 50% of the housework;
  • do 50% of the parenting.

I sincerely doubt he will step up, so I'd prepare yourself for single parenthood.

SpringBunnyHopHop · 01/02/2025 09:21

Who does the food shopping and cooking? I would strip the food shop right back and say were all going on a healthy eating kick.

If he wants to sit on his arse get out and do stuff with your child and leave him behind.

Make him sleep elsewhere if he can’t even do basic hygiene.

If all else fails tell him to leave.

OrlandointheWilderness · 01/02/2025 09:23

I'm not being funny here, but being honest my DP is a large man. He does not smell, his hygiene is impeccable, he works hard, is a delight to live with and he isn't lazy. He may be carrying weight but that is NO excuse for any of the other aspects! Is he depressed?

BMW6 · 01/02/2025 09:26

He needs to shape up or ship out. No excuses for being lazy and filthy at the very least.

I'd give him the ultimatum. You can't make him leave the home but you can see a Solicitor to get the ball rolling on divorce and sleep in a seperate room immediately (if you aren't already).

Laszlomydarling · 01/02/2025 10:15

If you genuinely love him, you need to gently explain how you feel. Tell him you'll support him with changing habits but that if he doesn't step up and make efforts to change, you will leave him. I would start with the personal hygiene, then add new good habits as things improve. Not everything all at once.

Chuchoter · 01/02/2025 10:32

Gluttony is a sin.

If after telling him that his lifestyle choices are repulsive, he sows t want to change then I would be leaving him.

Who wants their child raised by him?

Shoxfordian · 01/02/2025 10:34

A sin? Really. Wow.

It sounds like he needs support to lose weight, does he do the food shopping or do you? Don't suggest things he'll find physically difficult like going for a walk either, of course he doesn't want to do them.

jeaux90 · 01/02/2025 10:34

Brutal conversation time OP.

If nothing changes you need to divorce, why? Because your DC is being taught unhealthy relationship dynamics and that women do all the work.

squashyhat · 01/02/2025 11:00

OrlandointheWilderness · 01/02/2025 09:23

I'm not being funny here, but being honest my DP is a large man. He does not smell, his hygiene is impeccable, he works hard, is a delight to live with and he isn't lazy. He may be carrying weight but that is NO excuse for any of the other aspects! Is he depressed?

What are you not being funny about? Hmm

VoodooRajin · 01/02/2025 11:02

Staying up late when you have a toddler is v selfish

Glitchymn1 · 01/02/2025 11:04

He sounds very depressed. As pp suggest GP and showering every day to start.
He needs to be issued an ultimatum. I’d give him a chance if you love him.

SilenceInside · 01/02/2025 11:08

His behaviour is the issue here, the weight gain and lack of care about that are related but not the cause of his issues. He's letting you and your child down badly at the moment, that's the important issue. I've been morbidly obese, but not done any of the other things your partner is doing, and always been able to do what my children needed me to do.

As the others have said, you need to tell him clearly what all the issues are and that he needs to change. The basic things like hygiene and doing his share with the house and your child would be my first focus. He needs to know that you will leave him if he doesn't sort out those things immediately and then start to work on the other things too.

Do you know if there's any cause for his slip into this situation - does he work? Has he lost his job? Or something else?

OrlandointheWilderness · 01/02/2025 11:09

It was just a turn of phrase @squashyhat - I'm exhausted, not well and it was a sentence that didn't work in a hasty post on mumsnet. Hardly the sin of the century and nitpicking is not really required is it?!

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