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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to be disgusted by partner?

67 replies

Denimdungarees1756 · 01/02/2025 08:30

Me and my partner have been together for coming up to 10 years, we have a house and a 2 year old DD.

Over the past 10 years DP has progressively put more and more weight on until he's now at the point he is morbidly obese. He groans at every movement he makes, he's out of breath just walking down the stairs and he can't even sit on the floor with DD for more than 5 minutes.

I love him but he's become so difficult to live with. He doesn't look after himself, shower, wash his clothes regularly, brush his teeth, help around the house or help with DD. He's so moody and irritable but will refuse to go to sleep until the early hours of the morning every night. The only things he will eat are frozen, such as chicken nuggets, fish fingers, chips etc.

We both work full time, Mon-Fri, and if I suggest we do anything nice at the weekend with DD such as go to the park or go for a walk, he gets in a mood and suggests going for a meal. The only thing he's interested in is eating out which is obviously not fun for a 2 year old!

I've tried helping him with his washing, cooking for him (even adapting my meals to suit him), I've tried asking him to go to the doctors, I've talked to him about how worried I am about his health and mental health but nothing works.

I'm at the point we're his breathing, snoring, scratching and smelling is making me disgusted. AIBU? Any suggestion on what to do next?

OP posts:

AnneLovesGilbert · 01/02/2025 11:11

What was he like when you decided to have a baby with him?

Leilanii · 01/02/2025 11:12

He sounds depressed. But if he won't seek help for himself, it's not your responsibility to stay with him, harsh as that sounds.

Redcandlescandal · 01/02/2025 11:12

I don’t understand why you’re still there tbh.

biscuitsandbooks · 01/02/2025 11:17

YANBU to be disgusted.
YABU to stay and waste your life.
YAB even more U to stay and waste your daughters' life.

Hankunamatata · 01/02/2025 11:20

The hygiene and lack of wanting to do anything would be my focus. I think you need to be brutally honest with him. I wouldn't mention weight.

At this point I'd give him a timescale of 6 months to improve washing and brushing teeth or it's over

Northernlass99 · 01/02/2025 11:21

I would speak to him with kindness and compassion but also lay it out very clearly with a clear ultimatum. Once you have the ick it is hard to go back from it, but I guess you need to give him one last chance so you know you did that for your child, and he might surprise you! But put a timeline on it, do it with love for the man you once had, and quietly see a solicitor so you know where you stand if he doesn't shape up. Most importantly, don't just let it drift. You have one life and you can't live like this.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 01/02/2025 11:24

When you say you love the person he used to be - did he ever do an equal share of housework and childcare? Was he ever a fully involved parent taking turns with the rubbish parts eg night feeds, taking time off when the baby was sick etc

It's hard from your post to tell if the weight is a side issue or the main issue that is causing everything else. If he has never been an involved parent, and the attitude / refusal to do any housework coincided with the birth of your child, I'd say the weight are a side issue and the real issue is that he is misogynistic and lazy - often the true attitude to women is shown once they become mothers

Longtimelurkerfinallyposts · 01/02/2025 11:25

he works full-time?
does he work from home?
and if not, how does he manage to get there (if physical exertion of any kind leaves him breathless etc)? and what do his colleagues think about his unwashed clothes/ hair etc?

SilenceInside · 01/02/2025 11:27

Wow, I missed that you both work full time. Does he WFH or do something solitary?

Naunet · 01/02/2025 11:30

So he doesn't do any housework, doesn't do any childcare/parenting, doesn't wash, is moody, doesn't want to do anything and won't even go to bed at a reasonable time. Meanwhile you're working, doing all the parenting and housework whilst also trying to fix him. What exactly do you love about this relationship?

Gettingbysomehow · 01/02/2025 11:32

I don't. Ind large men but absolutely would not tolerate a lazy stinker.
Maybe he'd do well on mounjaro. Suggest it and move out of the bedroom..

CarliLove35 · 01/02/2025 11:37

He sounds depressed but it's his call to seek help. I would give him an ultimatum and tell him unless things change, the relationship is over. What message is he sending your toddler, with his unhealthy food choices, let alone his lack of basic hygiene and manners?

GreenCandleWax · 01/02/2025 11:39

He sounds very depressed. Can you get him to address this, difficult as it is?

XWKD · 01/02/2025 11:41

Chuchoter · 01/02/2025 10:32

Gluttony is a sin.

If after telling him that his lifestyle choices are repulsive, he sows t want to change then I would be leaving him.

Who wants their child raised by him?

You say that like sin is bad. It's not. It doesn't matter.

Newfoundzestforlife · 01/02/2025 11:47

squashyhat · 01/02/2025 11:00

What are you not being funny about?

Show quote history

Ugh would you be so rude to someone in real life just for using a simple figure of speech?

DonnyBurrito · 01/02/2025 11:50

He's going the right way for an early death. I'd be seriously concerned that he wasn't looking after himself when he has a little girl to raise. Without a healthy and engaged dad, she is more vulnerable as she gets older, because there's no-one to scare the predators off. Sounds primitive, I know! But there's no chance any of the lads that took advantage of me when I was a teenager would have done so if my dad was around. He is doing her a huge disservice by not looking after himself. That would be what I'd be trying to get him to focus on.

Echobelly · 01/02/2025 11:51

I agree with PPs that you need an honest discussion with DH. Say that you love him but his behaviour and lack of self care is making life miserable for you. His reaction will say a lot - he'll either be shocked into doing something, or he may get defensive. If that latter I'd give him one more chance by opening up the 'you didn't used to be like this I'm worried you're depressed' angle and if he still won't even countenance looking in to that then I'm afraid it may be time to consider a life without him.

Mauro711 · 01/02/2025 11:54

I don't think there is anything about him that you would miss if you left. You are already doing everything for your DD, you are working full time, you are basically running the show and his only role seems to be to make sure your life is just that little bit less nice whilst doing it. He doesn't respect you or your DD enough to make an effort. That means you also don't need to respect him enough to put up with all of this.

Therealjudgejudy · 01/02/2025 11:56

The lack of hygeine and lazyness would be a deal breaker for me.

MumWifeOther · 01/02/2025 12:23

This must be so hard and you sound like you’re really trying. Do you think he’s depressed? I would encourage him to see the doctors - you may need to offer an ultimatum. Tell him that you love him but this isn’t the life you signed up for. You will support him IF he’s willing to get help - whether that’s therapy, weight loss jabs (I don’t usually agree but this sounds extreme) or an accountability partner. If there’s no flexibility from him, then don’t feel bad about going after the life you deserve.

PragmaticIsh · 01/02/2025 12:26

Poor oral health increases cardiovascular disease, on top of the weight he's carrying and the diet full of saturated fat. Would he see a psychologist, perhaps online, if you asked?

https://www.health.harvard.edu/diseases-and-conditions/gum-disease-and-the-connection-to-heart-disease

Gum disease and the connection to heart disease - Harvard Health

For me, it's been one of the more surprising observations in recent years: study after study has shown that people who have poor oral health (such as gum disease or tooth loss) have higher rates of cardiovascular problems s...

https://www.health.harvard.edu/diseases-and-conditions/gum-disease-and-the-connection-to-heart-disease

Tootlebum · 01/02/2025 12:38

He is possibly diabetic. Type two diabetes can make your sweat smell. Messed up glucose levels can cause mood swings and weight issues. He needs to be tested. He would qualify for an appetite supressing drug on the NHS. The treatments are very successful. Your problem is to get him to a GP and to get him to accept he may well be suffering from diabetes. I wish you well on your journey as he will need support and understanding but you will get your "old" husband back eventually.
I am not in anyway medically qualified I speak from experience. Good luck.

Tootlebum · 01/02/2025 12:41

Sorry Partner.

BobbyBiscuits · 01/02/2025 12:45

Presumably he doesn't work? Is there a medical reason for that?
It does sound like he's depressed. You need to tell him you think so, and he must go to the GP. If he refuses to then tell him you'll have to consider leaving.
The way he's going he won't be around much longer anyway if he doesn't change. But if he's depressed it could be clouding his ability to change.
I can stop showering and brushing teeth when I have a major depression episode. It's gross, but I don't have kids. I also go anorexic so it's another food based coping mechanism.
But if he gets medication or therapy he can improve his daily life. I hope.

Sunshineandoranges · 01/02/2025 12:46

Surely couples counselling might help.

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