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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to be disgusted by partner?

67 replies

Denimdungarees1756 · 01/02/2025 08:30

Me and my partner have been together for coming up to 10 years, we have a house and a 2 year old DD.

Over the past 10 years DP has progressively put more and more weight on until he's now at the point he is morbidly obese. He groans at every movement he makes, he's out of breath just walking down the stairs and he can't even sit on the floor with DD for more than 5 minutes.

I love him but he's become so difficult to live with. He doesn't look after himself, shower, wash his clothes regularly, brush his teeth, help around the house or help with DD. He's so moody and irritable but will refuse to go to sleep until the early hours of the morning every night. The only things he will eat are frozen, such as chicken nuggets, fish fingers, chips etc.

We both work full time, Mon-Fri, and if I suggest we do anything nice at the weekend with DD such as go to the park or go for a walk, he gets in a mood and suggests going for a meal. The only thing he's interested in is eating out which is obviously not fun for a 2 year old!

I've tried helping him with his washing, cooking for him (even adapting my meals to suit him), I've tried asking him to go to the doctors, I've talked to him about how worried I am about his health and mental health but nothing works.

I'm at the point we're his breathing, snoring, scratching and smelling is making me disgusted. AIBU? Any suggestion on what to do next?

OP posts:

REP22 · 01/02/2025 13:03

I would tell him that is ever ever wants to entertain any thought of walking his daughter down the aisle at her wedding, he needs to take better care of himself. I agree with others that he sounds depressed and probably needs some GP support. But his failure to address this properly should not hold you and your DD to ransom. You matter too. x

Onlycoffee · 01/02/2025 13:13

Gluttony is a sin. @Chuchoter

I think this comment is known elsewhere as "peak mn" 😂

Op is he open to counselling? Obviously something needs to change, he needs to show you he is willing, even if it feels very difficult for him.

canyouletthedogoutplease · 01/02/2025 13:17

It's time for some honesty and a seperate bedroom. Anyone that respected you or your daughter and was able to make a change would do it if they knew how you felt.

You deserve more than being obligated to a man who disgusts you.

Tell him that this is not what you want for any of you, that you'll support him for six months to make the changes, and let him drive it, starting with a GP appointment.

Meanwhile look at what your options are if change doesn't come.

Fern95 · 01/02/2025 13:28

I'm obese (210lbs) at 5 ft 3. I push the buggy up hills, run after my kids, do 5+ mile walks, take them swimming etc etc. It sounds like the main problem isn't his weight, it's the fact that he's too lazy and sedentary to actually participate meaningfully in your family life which is really hurtful and also just boring! I'm not sure I could stay with someone with no enthusiasm for life and no interest in their kids.

Marvinmoose · 01/02/2025 13:32

Second fat bashing thread of the day ...let's all pile on to tell the op how disgusting her partner is .
Fantastic

Glorybox2025 · 01/02/2025 13:33

My suggestion is leave the smelly grumpy bastard!

hangon99 · 01/02/2025 13:33

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Glorybox2025 · 01/02/2025 13:33

Marvinmoose · 01/02/2025 13:32

Second fat bashing thread of the day ...let's all pile on to tell the op how disgusting her partner is .
Fantastic

He's disgusting because he's unhygienic, not because he's fat

PoltergeistsStartLowKey · 01/02/2025 13:44

Ask him to see his GP ad get help.

Give him six months to change and if he doesn't, leave.

You might need to leave before he will sort himself out if he is going to.

Unlike PPs I believe you can love someone and be disgusted by them at the same time.

MightyGoldBear · 01/02/2025 13:52

Often when we try to help someone. We actually just get in their way. We can make life easier and protect them from even needing to change. People change when they are held accountable and face consequences.

If you Met him today with this behaviour would you fancy him? Would you want to date him have a child with him? If No then he has to face the consequences that you're bo longer interested in a relationship with him if he doesn't recognise the ways in which he has changed and make effort to change this or says to you hey actually this is the real me and I don't plan to change. Then it's up to you.

Whatever struggles might be going on for him they are still his responsibility to figure out.

ByQuaintAzureWasp · 01/02/2025 13:54

Tell him his behaviour makes you feel totally unloved and if he doesn't change then you feel you will ha e to separate.

Didsomeonesaydogs · 01/02/2025 13:55

You are absolutely not being unreasonable. This isn’t just about his weight—it’s about the fact that he has completely checked out of being a partner and a parent. He refuses to take care of himself, help around the house, engage with your daughter, or even meet basic hygiene standards. That isn’t just laziness; it’s neglect, both of himself and of you.

You’ve already tried everything—supporting him, cooking for him, encouraging him to get help—but he has made it clear he has no interest in changing. You cannot set yourself on fire to keep him warm. If he wanted to be a better partner and father, he would have acted by now.

So the question is: how much longer are you willing to live like this? Because right now, you’re doing everything on your own and carrying the burden of his behaviour. You deserve better, and so does your daughter. If he won’t change, then the only thing left to decide is whether you’re willing to keep living this way—or if it’s time to put yourself first.

Mrsbloggz · 01/02/2025 13:57

I would have a serious talk with him and after that I would wait a certain amount of time to see if he took on board what I had said and started to make changes.
If he didn't I would move out and leave him to it.

It's an awful situation to be in but if you stay and let him continue he will take you both down with him, you have to save yourself and your child.

Naunet · 01/02/2025 14:11

Marvinmoose · 01/02/2025 13:32

Second fat bashing thread of the day ...let's all pile on to tell the op how disgusting her partner is .
Fantastic

Fat bashing? Did you even bother to read the OP? What isn't disgusting about a man who doesnt wash or brush his teeth? You're projecting.

bitterorangessourlemons · 01/02/2025 14:18

Sounds like your DP might be suffering from depression? I would say he or you should book him an appointment with GP. He does sound miserable and like he's given up. If that can be addressed, hopefully things would improve, if you think he's worth pursuing an answer and treatment, that's what I would suggest.
Of course you'll have to have 'the talk' with him and let him know you will be fully supportive of him but only if he seeks answers to his anti-social habits and behaviour. Otherwise of course, there's no way you should stay with him. If you love him, insist on helping him get the medical advice and treatment he most likely needs at this time to return to the person he used to be.

SparklingJoyous · 01/02/2025 18:08

What's his bmi?

fatphalange · 01/02/2025 20:38

Of course YANBU to be disgusted by him, as he is disgusting. He's not adulting.

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