To feel this empty in life despite having a lot of what I wanted in life, is my youth and chances of success really over?

[LastHope30Something]

Hi. I’ve pretty much been feeling this crap for 2 years now. Well to be honest I’ve had bouts of low mood like this my whole life but it’s the worst it’s been in recent years. The only times I have felt so much better in these 2 years was March to June of last year when my son was born and a few hours of hope and happiness throughout the 2 years. Haven’t been long term happy since 2021. I’m sorry I’m yapping on but I’m just so sick of this cloud and fog that just hangs especially on bad days like today and I don’t know how much more I can handle. Even when I was in bad slumps in the past I had other ways to bring myself out of them and had much more hope than I do now. Maybe it’s because I was younger then. I’m not going to be vague anymore and just tell you what’s making me feel so hopeless.

*I had a very sheltered upbringing and was prevented from doing a lot of things due to my disability which included living a normal carefree young adult life and building a career I wanted. This even to this day has set me back so much. Compared to my sibling who were allowed to live more freely I’m a failure. Didn’t have a paid job until I was 30 and before that did lots of courses and some work placements,
*families and in laws fell out 4 years ago before me and my husbands wedding which caused a lot of stress in early married life which we should have been able to enjoy to the fullest and this caused me so much stress during my pregnancy.
*The said job I had 2 years ago was a toxic workplace and as soon as I got pregnant I was treated differently and with everything else going on during my pregnancy I lose my job.
*Coming to terms with what I went through during pregnancy and not being able to fully enjoy one of what should have been the best times of my life has been so hard and I get flashbacks especially when baby cries I get flashbacks to the way people treated me and I feel like a failure.
*have been struggling financially this past year although I’m finally starting to get the benefits I’m entitled too which should soon help but it’s been so hard because there’s so much I’ve wanted to do this past year but haven’t been able to because I have to be so careful. Normally in the past having a treat to look forward to and being able to go out Willy nilly without a thought a good bit of the time helped me so much to pull myself out of a spiral but haven’t been able to do that as much which has been really hard especially as I’ve had more outbursts and it’s like I’m crawling back not bouncing back. I know this is first world problems.
*struggling with being in my 30’s and aging. Wishing I could have a do over. Wishing I can get another job soon. Have been let down twice since I started looking for jobs again this month. Had 2 interviews and got rejected by one and haven’t heard back from another. Wishing I had something for myself. Wishing I could just go get Botox and fillers even put it on credit as I want the face I had 6 years ago back. Feeling like there’s no success for me.
*need dental treatment but can’t afford it as all dentists in my area are private and nhs have closed to new patients. Hate my teeth and wishing I had the teeth I had in my 20’s. Seriously considering onlyfans if things don’t improve.
*have been disgustingly cyber bullying a few others who I feel have it so much better but don’t deserve it. I hate myself for it but I get so angry because I’m constantly under attack when I have a meltdown or even before ny those around me.
*feeling guilty for feeling unfulfilled in life because people have it worse.
*Constant meltdowns that take a couple of days to recover from that drain me. No motivation to do stuff especially round the house. ADHD kicking my ass half the time. I have help from family and in laws which I’m so lucky and grateful for.

what is wrong with me?

Bump

Bump. Anyone?

Kindly. You’re young enough to be my daughter. I’ve found my 50s to be the most fulfilling, delight-filled, interesting decade I’ve lived through. The self knowledge and confidence that comes with age is a million times better than having a young face.
Stop looking back, you’re not going that way.

Thanks so much. I’m glad your 50’s have been amazing. It’s just I get angry at how much of my life and opportunities were taken from me. I need to find ways to feel fulfilled

You say you suffer from flashbacks and have 'outbursts'. I'm not sure what the outbursts are but recommend DBT to help with emotional regulation.

You might find ACT helpful, it's a type of therapy that helps you come to terms with where you are now and find strategies to move forward.

I recommend journalling and a gratitude journal. Write three things every day you are grateful for.

If you're not happy about where you are, write ideas on where you would like to be. Investigate how to achieve those goals and start making changes on how to achieve them.

Thanks so much. I’ll try out those tips. Regarding the outbursts I’ve always had them. It’s when I have a meltdown bitch fit type of situation when I’ve reached the end of my tether, when I’m under so much pressure etc. I struggled really bad with outbursts as a child with adhd and growing up the way I did. They were still bad in my teens but had somewhat calmed down in my 20’s though I still had them at times but was more likely to cry to myself in my room. Since having my son they’ve got as bad as they were in my teens and I hate it. It’s not his fault but naturally having a baby is a big upheaval and adds pressure to life but it’s worth it. It’s like everything I went through in life and during my pregnancy has came up to the surface. I get flashbacks of how badly people treated me during my life when my baby is fussy. It’s not his fault and I love my son it’s just how my brain is and I’m constantly made to feel like I’m worthless when I have them.

I definitely think I had depression and anxiety during pregnancy and maybe after as I’ve been struggling but unsure if that’s just situational. It’s like I’ve been left an angrier person and it doesn’t take much to set me off into a spiral

No problem. It sounds like you'd really benefit from DBT. When you feel overwhelmed, try writing down how you're feeling. You just need an A4 pad and a pen.

Here's some information on how to deal with flashbacks.

If you're really struggling, see your Dr.

Thanks so much. I do write down how I feel sometimes but on my notes on my phone not on paper but I’ll try that

Bump

Are you taking ADHD meds, they can help with emotional regulation.

Louise Hay - 'you can heal your life'
I recognise aspects of myself from 30 years ago.
The person I am today is totally unrecognisable from how i was then.
You are most certainly depressed
Your rages lift you, temporarily out of that state, but self hatred drops you right back down.
Not all anger is bad - feel your anger and move through it.
Your self esteem is in the toilet.
CBT helped a lot with that.
It takes a lot of work and commitment, but you can turn your life around, but it does mean dropping all the guilt , resentment and hatred , and that is something some people will not do that....

No I’m not medicated for it and never have been. When I got diagnosed as a kid my parents were against medication for it.

I’m so glad you were able to turn your life around. I’m hoping I can do so as well. I hate feeling this way. I’m going to try more counselling and CBT therapy. It’s probably better than vaping which boosts my mood and takes the edge off things

Have you had therapy for these feelings? O my because what you're describing is exactly the same symptoms I had a few years ago like flashbacks of failure and bursts of anger about it.

It honestly sounds like you need a few sessions with a therapist where you just do the cliche and talk through all your past and childhood.

You're so young, with plenty of time you start your life from now

It's bizarre and way over the top to have 3 threads on the go - this, the one about your twenties or thirties being better and the really weird one about 'competing with younger women'. Mumsnet can only help you with your issues so much, no matter how many threads you create.

ADHD can mean you have rejection sensitivity and will likely struggle with over-whelm, especially as a new parent.
I haven't read your other threads but it does seem a good idea to start a conversation with your GP or health visitor about your current struggles.
Becoming a parent is a rollercoaster and can bring up so many unwanted emotions, including guilt, anger and shame, therapy can help you start to unpack these feelings.

I do sympathise but find it hard to give specific advice because you've been quite vague - there may be a reason for this but it's hard then to give a specific response. You seem to be disappointed in lack of opportunities in your teens/20s? I don't know what your disability is but it's sad that was allowed to prevent you doing things - that must have been very frustrating.

In regard to aging, you just need to put that in a box and forget it. You can be beautiful (inside and out) at any age and there are countless super attractive women way older than you so age isn't a big deal (I will be 50 next year and still feel attractive in my way).

Ultimately, it sounds like you can't feel positive because perhaps you are depressed or have simply had a tough life. Counselling would help as well as (possibly) medication but, also, keeping busy, perhaps volunteering or a fulfilling job/degree or similar?

OP you never listen to the advice you get on MN. So I'd say 'seek help via GP/perinatal services, stop fixating on your weight/ appearance/ plastic surgery, enjoy your baby, and stop trying to get validation on MN'. But people say that on all of your threads and you don't listen so there's not much point.

Thanks everyone for your kind messages and advice. I’m going to get therapy as I need it. I also think I’ll be in a better place once I’m working. I’m happy when I’m busy and I have a decent routine going during the week with my child and his play groups but it’s just the slumps I hate and having to constantly be careful financially and not being able to treat myself like I used to and treat my family like I want to really gets me down and is exhausting. I won’t feel like this when I’m working. I hate the lack of motivation that lasts for days after a meltdown. I just want to be on a more even keel

I don’t know what it is I have, is it pnd? Is it situational? Hormones not settling? ADHD getting worse? Burnout? I can’t pinpoint what’s wrong. It’s been bad on and off since August. I started to get a bout of not sleeping and struggling to sleep and stressing out about sleep as I felt in my head that I don’t matter now that I’m a mum and have been told that in some words. My sleep is decent now but get the occasional bad night.

Don’t label it - it doesn’t help.
make sure you’re getting out in the fresh air for a walk every day - sooner the better.
eat nutritious food including green veg and meat protein.
drink plenty of water and cut back on caffeine and alcohol.

Botox and fillers don't make you look youthful, you'll just look like you're wearing a mask. Even if you think it looks good, your appearance could be permanently altered and drastic decisions are best avoided at the low points imo.

have been disgustingly cyber bullying a few others who I feel have it so much better but don’t deserve it

This is horrible to read. How on earth does that make you feel better. What if the people you are cyber bullying have mental health issues and what you are doing to them pushes them over the edge. It's twisted.
You have a child. No child deserves a mother who behaves like that. Does you husband know?
Can you stop?

You don't live in Gaza or Afghanistan.You are not being shot at. You do not have to beg for food. Clean drinking water comes out of the tap. Your child is healthy. You can get medical treatment without being charged because we have a publicly-funded health service. Someone mentioned a gratitude journal upthread - I recommend you try it

I am not unsympathetic, but only you can live your life - and only you can change it.