To feel this empty in life despite having a lot of what I wanted in life, is my youth and chances of success really over?

[LastHope30Something]

Hi. I’ve pretty much been feeling this crap for 2 years now. Well to be honest I’ve had bouts of low mood like this my whole life but it’s the worst it’s been in recent years. The only times I have felt so much better in these 2 years was March to June of last year when my son was born and a few hours of hope and happiness throughout the 2 years. Haven’t been long term happy since 2021. I’m sorry I’m yapping on but I’m just so sick of this cloud and fog that just hangs especially on bad days like today and I don’t know how much more I can handle. Even when I was in bad slumps in the past I had other ways to bring myself out of them and had much more hope than I do now. Maybe it’s because I was younger then. I’m not going to be vague anymore and just tell you what’s making me feel so hopeless.

*I had a very sheltered upbringing and was prevented from doing a lot of things due to my disability which included living a normal carefree young adult life and building a career I wanted. This even to this day has set me back so much. Compared to my sibling who were allowed to live more freely I’m a failure. Didn’t have a paid job until I was 30 and before that did lots of courses and some work placements,
*families and in laws fell out 4 years ago before me and my husbands wedding which caused a lot of stress in early married life which we should have been able to enjoy to the fullest and this caused me so much stress during my pregnancy.
*The said job I had 2 years ago was a toxic workplace and as soon as I got pregnant I was treated differently and with everything else going on during my pregnancy I lose my job.
*Coming to terms with what I went through during pregnancy and not being able to fully enjoy one of what should have been the best times of my life has been so hard and I get flashbacks especially when baby cries I get flashbacks to the way people treated me and I feel like a failure.
*have been struggling financially this past year although I’m finally starting to get the benefits I’m entitled too which should soon help but it’s been so hard because there’s so much I’ve wanted to do this past year but haven’t been able to because I have to be so careful. Normally in the past having a treat to look forward to and being able to go out Willy nilly without a thought a good bit of the time helped me so much to pull myself out of a spiral but haven’t been able to do that as much which has been really hard especially as I’ve had more outbursts and it’s like I’m crawling back not bouncing back. I know this is first world problems.
*struggling with being in my 30’s and aging. Wishing I could have a do over. Wishing I can get another job soon. Have been let down twice since I started looking for jobs again this month. Had 2 interviews and got rejected by one and haven’t heard back from another. Wishing I had something for myself. Wishing I could just go get Botox and fillers even put it on credit as I want the face I had 6 years ago back. Feeling like there’s no success for me.
*need dental treatment but can’t afford it as all dentists in my area are private and nhs have closed to new patients. Hate my teeth and wishing I had the teeth I had in my 20’s. Seriously considering onlyfans if things don’t improve.
*have been disgustingly cyber bullying a few others who I feel have it so much better but don’t deserve it. I hate myself for it but I get so angry because I’m constantly under attack when I have a meltdown or even before ny those around me.
*feeling guilty for feeling unfulfilled in life because people have it worse.
*Constant meltdowns that take a couple of days to recover from that drain me. No motivation to do stuff especially round the house. ADHD kicking my ass half the time. I have help from family and in laws which I’m so lucky and grateful for.

what is wrong with me?

I'm in my forties and felt a little lost until I made a list of what was bothering me and how I could change it. I've started ticking off that list and feel so much better each time because it shows I've completed a task, grown in confidence and am actively taking steps towards my goals.

Gosh I've never read such twaddle. You have all the means to create change. Put your phone down,get a job, get medicated - all of this costs no money. You can self treat some dental needs - grab a decent toothbrush and toothpaste, dental brushes, whitening strips etc. Focus on your child rather than yourself - seeing them thrive can give you a boost. Put down the vape. There is SO much you have at your disposal to better yourself. Your post makes you sound like an entitled spoiled child rather than the grown woman with a child to raise. Come on OP you're a long time dead - the time is now. First stop should be a GP appointment. Good luck for the future.

OP, what strikes me in all your posts is that you don’t seem to take ownership of your choices. You’re not a child any more. Whatever you feel your parents did to you is in the past. You’re an adult now. You have agency. What the rest of your life looks like is to an extent up to you. Seek therapy and work hard in it.

I hate myself for doing it. There’s really no excuse to cyber bully someone. I just get so angry when I get got at by people and it’s like I’m not allowed to vent my feelings and I’m made to feel worthless so I go on attack mode to take my anger out. It’s disgusting and immature. I say vile things about those girls and their kids. One girl has a daughter and I’ve always wanted a daughter and I feel that she’s the one that gets everything handed to them on a plate more so than the other girl. The other girl I feel seems to not appreciate what she gets and is oblivious to her son’s problems. They create content like me only more successful and have had way more chances. I thought when I got pregnant I’d get brands flocking to be but nope. I work hard and feel so disheartened. I know it’s no excuse but I’ve been put down my whole life and it’s like there’s a threat of things I’ve achieved getting taken away.

I’ve had fillers in the past. I normally get them every year in my lips but due to circumstances I haven’t had them since April 2023 and Botox will make me feel better. Thanks for the advice. I get where you’re coming from

Delete your social media. Do a digital detox. Concentrate on the real life child you have

You sound very immature

Thanks so much. I know I have a lot of control to fix things and I will. I’m actively looking for a job, I take care of my teeth but need wisdom teeth removal and I want Invisalign and composite bonding after, I’m going to book into getting therapy as it helps, I’m scared of medication in case it numbs me out and makes me put on weight etc. I find the vape helps my stress levels but I will cut down when I’m in a better place. I love my child. Watching him thrive is amazing and does give me a boost. I want to be better for him

Sorry op but I agree with this.

I think you have been really brave to be so honest on here and with yourself, and I admire you for that, but you are blaming everyone else as well as yourself!

What you need to do is seek therapy and medication for your low mood and ADHD, if you are not doing so already.

Then get your head down and ignore your facial looks, your teeth, what other people say on social media, because all of that stuff is irrelevant compared to the fact that you have a child now. Now is the time to focus on him, yourself, and your new career. Forget all other irrelevances including jealousy of others. Tread your own path!

I am much older than you and thirty is the perfect age to get really serious about your work. It’s far from easy with a young child to look after but can you use these early years while you have benefits, to study and go in a new direction?

Good luck op.

I can't recommend enough deleting or suspending your social media accounts.

That's the cyber-bullying and confidence-sapping negativity sorted.

Try it for two weeks and see if you feel better.

Nothing appears to have been taken from you. Your OP, subsequent posts and other threads suggest you expect fame, fortune and adoration and that is not the real world. You are not starring in your own reality TV show, you are a regular human with regular human issues and need to grow up, step away from social media and realise the world does not owe you a favour. You are not old but you are wasting your youth on pipe dreams and fantasy.

I hate myself for doing it. There’s really no excuse to cyber bully someone. I just get so angry when I get got at by people and it’s like I’m not allowed to vent my feelings and I’m made to feel worthless so I go on attack mode to take my anger out. It’s disgusting and immature. I say vile things about those girls and their kids

I'd suggest deleting your social media accounts too. You might find it difficult but something has to change and you have to stop the cyber bullying. You don't know what damage you might be doing to someone. It's a terrible thing to do.

They create content like me only more successful and have had way more chances. I thought when I got pregnant I’d get brands flocking to be but nope.

Why would brands flock to you OP? You're not a celebrity. Frankly there no reason for anyone other than your DP to be interested in your pregnancy. You're not a social media star not because others have had more chances, but because there's no reason for you to be one. Kindly, grow up and start living in the real world where your child is

I want. I want. I want.

Take some shrooms. Reset your thinking.

You were horrible to someone because they had a daughter and you don't. Jeez get a grip.

Well if you grew up in a very restricted environment and had people constantly saying that you’ll amount to nothing and in your adult life you don’t get opportunities to thrive and can’t enjoy life

im like this because I just want to be successful. Maybe I should join onlyfans lol

Bump

I recognise some of my behaviours in your OP (I had anxiety and PND!). It’s messy but I needed a bit of therapy. Actually having a bad day today due to self hate feelings coming back.

One thing that I do recommend if possible and it’s a big one - to move away for a fresh start. To a more inclusive city with more jobs.

Sometimes it’s all you need. But I understand that’s difficult especially with kids (I’m doing the same thing!)

No excuse for bullying though :( don’t do that

OP, this is mad. You need to stop acting as though fate has singled you out for a hard time! No one can ‘get at’ you unless you let them. You are allowed to feel what you feel, but not to cyberbully other people because of your own poor self-esteem and persecution complex. Each child has a roughly 50% chance of being male or female — these other women didn’t get a special dispensation! Why would brands ‘flock to you’ when pregnant? Who are you really angry at? Yourself? I’d urge you to go into therapy so you ave a designated place to explore your low self-esteem and anger issues.

I’m sorry you’ve been in that dark place too. It’s horrible, I’m sorry you’ve had a bad day. Did you have these feelings before having kids? I would love to move to a different country but DH doesn’t want to leave family behind which is understandable. I already live in a big city which makes my low self esteem worse as it’s hard to find a job and my last work place battered the little self esteem I had built during the best part of those 2 years. That’s why I think it’s just me. It’s stupid. Yes the cyber bullying needs to stop as it’s not nice and it’s not who I am. It’s unhealthy way of dealing with pent up anger and frustration

You’re right I need to stop acting like this. It’s disgusting and I’m ashamed of myself for doing it. Another stupid thing I said to one of those girls was body shame her for not using compression garments and proper bras postpartum and telling her she needs to fix her saggy boobs and that she’s an entitled bitch

delete social media. Get off your phone. Journal to help process the bad thoughts instead of hurting others and making yourself feel worse. No matter what has happened in the past, you have the power to build a life that is happy and meaningful. If you want to- it’s your choice.

OP you need to find how to enjoy the life you've got, not whinge for the fantasy life you've decided you deserve, of fame and adulation from strangers.

You've got a healthy baby, a partner, and no doubt opportunities you ignore because you've got your head in the clouds of being a model or a social media star. Stop blaming your childhood and start making your son's childhood as good as it can be with a mum who makes something of herself in the real world.

Gosh, where to start? All the bumping of threads, you are very needy

I really do. I’m sick of feeling this way.

Ok so make this the thread where you listen to all the many people suggesting therapy would help you. You can change your life if you want to, but you have to do it, it won't happen to you.