Hi. I’ve pretty much been feeling this crap for 2 years now. Well to be honest I’ve had bouts of low mood like this my whole life but it’s the worst it’s been in recent years. The only times I have felt so much better in these 2 years was March to June of last year when my son was born and a few hours of hope and happiness throughout the 2 years. Haven’t been long term happy since 2021. I’m sorry I’m yapping on but I’m just so sick of this cloud and fog that just hangs especially on bad days like today and I don’t know how much more I can handle. Even when I was in bad slumps in the past I had other ways to bring myself out of them and had much more hope than I do now. Maybe it’s because I was younger then. I’m not going to be vague anymore and just tell you what’s making me feel so hopeless.
*I had a very sheltered upbringing and was prevented from doing a lot of things due to my disability which included living a normal carefree young adult life and building a career I wanted. This even to this day has set me back so much. Compared to my sibling who were allowed to live more freely I’m a failure. Didn’t have a paid job until I was 30 and before that did lots of courses and some work placements,
*families and in laws fell out 4 years ago before me and my husbands wedding which caused a lot of stress in early married life which we should have been able to enjoy to the fullest and this caused me so much stress during my pregnancy.
*The said job I had 2 years ago was a toxic workplace and as soon as I got pregnant I was treated differently and with everything else going on during my pregnancy I lose my job.
*Coming to terms with what I went through during pregnancy and not being able to fully enjoy one of what should have been the best times of my life has been so hard and I get flashbacks especially when baby cries I get flashbacks to the way people treated me and I feel like a failure.
*have been struggling financially this past year although I’m finally starting to get the benefits I’m entitled too which should soon help but it’s been so hard because there’s so much I’ve wanted to do this past year but haven’t been able to because I have to be so careful. Normally in the past having a treat to look forward to and being able to go out Willy nilly without a thought a good bit of the time helped me so much to pull myself out of a spiral but haven’t been able to do that as much which has been really hard especially as I’ve had more outbursts and it’s like I’m crawling back not bouncing back. I know this is first world problems.
*struggling with being in my 30’s and aging. Wishing I could have a do over. Wishing I can get another job soon. Have been let down twice since I started looking for jobs again this month. Had 2 interviews and got rejected by one and haven’t heard back from another. Wishing I had something for myself. Wishing I could just go get Botox and fillers even put it on credit as I want the face I had 6 years ago back. Feeling like there’s no success for me.
*need dental treatment but can’t afford it as all dentists in my area are private and nhs have closed to new patients. Hate my teeth and wishing I had the teeth I had in my 20’s. Seriously considering onlyfans if things don’t improve.
*have been disgustingly cyber bullying a few others who I feel have it so much better but don’t deserve it. I hate myself for it but I get so angry because I’m constantly under attack when I have a meltdown or even before ny those around me.
*feeling guilty for feeling unfulfilled in life because people have it worse.
*Constant meltdowns that take a couple of days to recover from that drain me. No motivation to do stuff especially round the house. ADHD kicking my ass half the time. I have help from family and in laws which I’m so lucky and grateful for.
what is wrong with me?