To believe that being selfish is underrated?

[CoralCrab]

People act like selfishness is inherently bad but isn’t putting yourself first sometimes the healthiest thing you can do? AIBU to think we need to rethink our view of selfishness?

Selfishness is fine when it doesn’t affect other people. There’s only a problem when being selfish has a negative impact on someone else, in which case, no it’s not a good thing.

I think culturally it's gone too far now though. Be selfish all you like, but if you continually flake on friends, as an example, for 'self-care' 🤢 then one day you'll wake up and nobody will be there for you.

Very dependent on the particular scenario, I think.

This. There is both positive and negative selfishness. Positive selfishness is where you have healthy boundaries but do not impact others. Negative selfishness is where people ignore the impact on others.

Do you have any examples op?

There's definitely such a thing as 'healthy selfish'. It's making sure that you are at or near the TOP of your own priority list, rather than right at the bottom.

What about the affect it has on the person themselves? You can't put your self out all the time to avoid affecting other people.

YANBU it's not often I say this but this is one thing that men have got right that women haven't.

Obviously though as a PP said, it shouldn't impact other people.

I agree with this. I remember the recent 'cant be arsed to go to my friend's gathering' thread and some of the selfishness detailed there in the name of self care and just wanting to be with their own little family when they had promised to be elsewhere, was simply outstanding

Positive selfishness does not involve being a martyr. Negative selfishness though is when people only consider themselves

Yes I agree with this. We've long been saturated in "self-care" rhetoric and as a society we are too selfish and the selfless among us are over burdened by what should be shared more equally. Time to bring back the honour in self sacrifice

I'm in a hospital waiting room where everyone is quiet, even the TV has subtitles. Most people are reading or looking at phones. One person thinks it's OK to talk non stop at her phone which is not near her face. Not a short, quiet, possibly necessary call (those are fine) but conversations to several different people, one after another. That's selfish IMO.

I think there is a difference between caring for yourself and being selfish.

Selfish is when you never consider others, always want things your way, always finish off the biscuits etc.

Putting your self first is taking a balanced view of whether its practical to do something.

I was asked this morning to do a shift for a charity I volunteer for. I looked at the date they wanted and said no. I was actually free on that afternoon, but I could see the rest of the week was packed, and that afternoon was the only time I had free that week, plus the morning appointment could over-run. On balance, I decided to keep my window of free time as a bit of breathing space for me. I am doing other sessions for them during the month.

I put myself first, but I don't consider it to be a selfish action.

Then you decline rather than let people down.

I am so sick of the 'put on your own oxygen mask first' mentality. People need to realise that their actions have an impact on other people and on the planet. There is a way to take care of oneself while also being sensitive and making allowances for others and for the environment. People also need to remember that no one is perfect, that everyone is annoying and difficult sometimes, that we all need to put up with one another up to a point. Kindness, thoughtfulness, and selflessness are undervalued and sorely needed in our society.

Selfishness is like many things, in appropriate doses it can be beneficial, but taken to excess can be damaging.

Humans have got to where we are today because of selfishness. It's a natural trait, all animals display it. A squirrel hoards nuts for their own survival, not for the good of all squirrelkind.

I also think that criticism of selfishness in others is a form of selfishness in itself. It's clear hypocrisy. "You shouldn't have taken the last chocolate because I wanted it."

Selfishness is inherent in all actions. Even actions we do for the good of others are to some extent selfish because they make us feel good and make us feel like we are doing the right thing. People like Mother Theresa were incredibly selfish individuals, they chose a life of poverty and service to others in the belief that they would get a greater reward in the afterlife. It's the same logic, albeit the scale of fucked up-ness is different, that Islamic suicide bombers use.

There was a BBC report earlier this week where police labelled drivers "selfish" for doing ridiculous speeds of 150mph+. Yes, the drivers are selfish, but so are the police, because they want others to behave in a manner that conforms to their own expecations (and the law). So do the rest of us. Me being shocked at someone bombing round the M25 at 150mph (on a motorbike, obviously, a car wouldn't have much chance of getting up to that speed on the M25) is a form of selfishness because the rider isn't keeping to the limit I expect them to.

The key is to moderate selfishness and use it appropriately. At least, that's my own selfish point of view.

You’re so right OP.

My mum called my selfish when I was 13 but the behaviour she was calling me selfish for isn’t the type of behaviour most people would class as ‘selfish’ iyswim.

i took her criticism to heart, became a people pleaser and unfortunately the victim of ruthless bullies who humiliated me very badly and NO ONE including my mum was on my side

I so agree.

my definition of selfishness is an actual act where the person doesn’t care that they’re inconveniencing other people

I was thinking more along the lines of prioritising your own needs without feeling guilty - like saying no to social plans when you need rest, choosing a career path that suits you rather than what others expect, or setting boundaries with people who drain your energy. I feel like ‘selfishness’ is often used as an insult when sometimes it’s just self-preservation.

In the UK, atm people are more selfish than they've ever been.

I think "being selfish" can be a massive range of things. Some of which are fine and actually the person accusing you of selfishness is just annoyed that they aren't getting their own way (eg "I can't believe you'd be so selfish as to not do me this absolutely massive favour that would be a huge inconvenience and cause you other problems"). And some examples of things people might call selfish are not fine.

Selfish has had such an impact on my development

This is an excellent post

im so glad the OP started this thread

I also think that criticism of selfishness in others is a form of selfishness in itself. It's clear hypocrisy. "You shouldn't have taken the last chocolate because I wanted it."

I think that's sometimes true but not always.

To continue the chocolate example, if DH and I have a box of chocolates (let's say given to us both), and he eats every single one before I get a chance, I don't think it would be selfish of me to call that a selfish thing to do.

I think there’s a balance, but i do think a lot of women in particular need to prioritise themselves more

There's definitely a balance to be struck.

Being selfish to the detriment of everyone else is obviously bad.

But so is always putting others first to your own detriment.

It's a bit like the aircraft oxygen mask scenario, put yours on first before you help others.

You have to look after yourself in the first instance, so that you're in the "right place" to help others.

There's also the other aspect of selfish people only being able to be selfish because others aren't. There was an excellent example on another MN thread a week or two ago. It was about parking on pavements. Someone came on and said that a selfish person parking obstructing a pavement was being facilitated to do that because everyone else wasn't selfish and so found somewhere else to park instead of parking on that very same bit of pavement. It struck true and if someone else had been selfish and parked there, then that particular driver would have had to park somewhere else.

Take the chocolate box example above. The other person couldn't have selfishly eaten all the chocolates if the poster had selfishly ate them herself first!

I think it's got to be more about assertiveness, and that we all need to learn to be assertive rather than being selfish ourselves or having to put up with other people being selfish. I.e. make our wishes known in advance rather than hoping/assuming another person would know. Speaking out, i.e. "here's a box of chocolates, but don't eat all the soft centres". Basically stop letting other people be selfish.