To believe that being selfish is underrated?

[CoralCrab]

People act like selfishness is inherently bad but isn’t putting yourself first sometimes the healthiest thing you can do? AIBU to think we need to rethink our view of selfishness?

YANBU my life has improved massively since I have myself permission to be more selfish. Not letting people down but thinking about what’s best for me when previously I’d done what other people wanted or what I’d been led to believe was the ‘right’ thing to do.

I don't think any of these examples are selfish at all

Yeah I think the world is insanely selfish now.
Being out for yourself and not being able bear minor discomfort or inconvenience is the norm.

The difference in behaviour and resilience of children across many European countries and our own is stark.

I don't think we need to martyrs and of course you need to prioritise your well being. Honestly though I think we need to get a grip.

As a society we're too wedded to archaic systems that don't meet people's needs and selfishness.

It’s about getting the right balance between being selfish and being a people-pleaser /pushover /others taking advantage. Also I’m not sure selfish is the right word, it’s more about asserting your personal boundaries.

Some people think it's selfish to want to go low contact with a family that's stressful to you, because then the family will be upset. Whereas as I don't think 'omg i must hang out with family or they'll be upset'
I think 'if I was the family, I'd want to know what I was doing wrong and try to apologise/rectify it, it would be mortifying to try and insist someone spent time with me when they don't want to!'
Is this me being people pleasing or not because I can't tell!

There’s a difference between selfishness and having healthy strong boundaries that you are able to enforce in my opinion.

Agree, the alternative to selfishness for women appears to be martyring themselves. Obviously conditioned by society and their upbringing but the number of posts on here where women are resentful that all they do is not recognised, when they don't have to be doing that thing. See it all the time at work, oh i better do that or it won't get done etc etc.

Selfishness is inherent in all actions. Even actions we do for the good of others are to some extent selfish because they make us feel good and make us feel like we are doing the right thing.

No. Trying to be a good person is not selfish. Doing something for your gain at the expense of others is the definition of selfish.

Good selfish = Put your own your own gas mask on first, prioritise your health and well being, so you can show up best for everyone else

Bad selfish = I can't be bothered to help / turn up / do a dish / etc because it will ruin my nails / sleep / be boring etc etc

IMO there are too many toxic bad selfish people who, unsurprisingly, are being carried in life by limp, passive, weak, ineffectual people who call their total hopelessness 'being selfless'

Totally agree with this. It's not selfish to consider your own well-being and say 'no' sometimes. So many times people (generally women) complain about the million and one things they do for other people leaving no time for themselves and they need to learn to say 'no' sometimes and stop being a martyr.

My best friend who works a full time demanding job and has teenage twins was telling me about all her weekly commitments with those things but added to that a demanding elderly mother in law. MIL wasn't even a nice person and has been awful to my friend in the past yet she was expected to run round after MIL taking her shopping and to medical appointments. Her husband however would refuse to do a lot of these things often because he was 'busy and 'going fishing' when he could have helped his mother out. Her NY resolution was to say 'no' more and stick to it.

It a very different matter to agreeing to do something then pulling out at the last moment because of 'self care'. If you don't want to do something fine, say 'no' from the outset but don't pull out at the last minute. Being a 'people pleaser' isn't an excuse.

I think if we follow this to its logical conclusion, we end up in a downward spiral where people are selfish to us so we respond with selfishness of our own, and those who've been on the receiving end of our selfishness are selfish back to us. So ultimately you end up with everyone putting themselves first, which only really works for those young and fit enough, privileged enough, with enough resources to thrive. Alternatively we could be encouraging a culture of less selfishness in the hopes of creating a positive circle of mutual support. I find the latter works best for me. I give where I can and find its reciprocated.

I don't really get your argument, sorry
Being selfish is when you do something that will benefit (either only or primarily) you, usually to the detriment of someone else
So why are the police and general public selfish if they expect somebody to follow the law and drive safely?

It's obvious why the fast drivers are being selfish - they are prioritising their own enjoyment over the safety of others.

But, for example, I don't think I've ever driven on the M25. So there is no conceivable personal benefit to me to judge those drivers for driving too fast - but I still do, because they are putting other people's lives in danger and wasting police resources. So how am I being selfish?

I agree OP. I’ve always been naturally predisposed to putting myself first and I don’t have most of the life issues that many on MN complain of.

Taking adequate time for rest or self-care isn't selfish. Saying "no" to commitments you can't meet isn't selfish.

Breaking your promises to others, failing to be there for people who have been there for you when they need you, putting your own wants before the needs of your dependents (i.e. children) and flaking on your responsibilities to others and to society is selfish.

As PP says, selfish people rely on the tolerance and emotional labour of selfless people to continue to be selfish.

And it's always the most selfish people who already never consider the needs of the others who talk about how they never put themselves first and need to practise more self-care the moment they do even the smallest task to benefit someone else.

That's one of the silliest arguments I've ever heard on the internet, which is really saying something.

There is no personal benefit to a police officer because you follow the speed limit. Do you think the police service gives out a free lollipop every time someone doesn't break the speed limit?

The purpose of public services is to benefit society, and most public servants, including teachers, police officers, and NHS staff work far in excess of their contracted hours, often to the detriment of their own personal lives, because they feel a duty to do the job to the best of their ability.

Police enforce the speed limit because drivers going at 150mph are highly likely to kill or injure an innocent person and they want to stop that happening to someone.

I would just call that self care and healthy boundaries.

But I wouldnt call any of that selfish -assuming you had said no to the social plans straight away, not after stuff was booked by someone else.

And you definitely shouldn't go down a career path just because others expect you to! That's them being selfish - at the very least - and imposing their wants on you. Controlling and or manipulative, more than selfish, but they can often all go hand in hand.

Im selfish because i can be.
Its all about me what i want what i do where i go just me me me.
And i love it.

I'm confused by some of this as the actions people are describing in some cases aren't selfish. According to the Oxford Dictionary, selfish means being concerned with one's own interests and well-being, without regard for others. It can also mean acting in a way that benefits oneself at the expense of others. So taking a rest from something that's not to the detriment of others isn't selfish, it's just self care.

Yes, I've met people like you and sometimes wish I was like that, but it doesn't sit right. Do you mind me asking, how do you do it? This isn't a criticism, but a query. Do you feel guilt or compartmentalise? I'm interested.

Yanbu op

It always amuses me on mumsnet that the most heinous crimes are apparently being selfish or rude.

Most people’s definition of selfish is ‘a person who doesn’t do what I want them to’

Human beings are selfish, it’s innate.

Why would she feel guilt? Unless she’s committed awful crimes.

Most people actually want to do good things because it makes them feel good. They are nice to people because they like them. They look after their kids because they love them. That is part of a healthy selfishness.

That's not selfishness. Looking after your children isn't selfish. Being nice to people isn't selfish, unless it's only to certain people then it's strategic and manipulative perhaps but not selfish.

I wouldn't call those selfish, because they're not to the detriment of other people.
If you manage your needs and use that energy to put back into others (doing your job well, enjoying your socialising) that's far from being selfish.

Selfish would be flaking on your friend at the last minute leaving them disappointed and potentially out of pocket. Or in work, doing a crap job that makes life harder for the people you work with.

Being a martyr isn't necessarily generous, and meeting your own needs isn't necessarily selfish. There's a substantial middle ground where you can meet your own needs and the needs of others.

Never having leisure time so you can be with your family all the time- potentially martyrish.
Claiming a substantial amount of leisure time and lumping childcare on your partner- potentially selfish.
Negotiating leisure time with your partner so you both balance individual and family needs- healthy balance, everyone benefits.

Doing what you want to do is selfish.

Whether it helps others or not.

Selfish doesn’t have to equal bad.