To believe that being selfish is underrated?

[CoralCrab]

People act like selfishness is inherently bad but isn’t putting yourself first sometimes the healthiest thing you can do? AIBU to think we need to rethink our view of selfishness?

Define “selfish”. It depends where your boundaries are.

People who trample over others and and dishonest and disrespectful to get something for themselves rarely do society any favours and that includes them.

”Selfishness” in the sense of having good boundaries and looking after yourself is a good thing.

I think it’s quite gendered as a word. A lot of women have it hammered into them growing up that they need to put themselves last and consequently find it difficult to assert themselves. To the extent that understanding your needs aren’t always at the back of the queue I think a bit of selfishness is necessary. No one is going to fight on your behalf.

Completely agree.

I think women once they’ve had kids are told they are selfish for everything. Working and abandoning their child in nursery, breastfeeding in public, bottle feeding, expecting to take a pushchair on the bus, expecting the ‘taxpayer’ to foot the bill for x, y, z. It’s all bollocks tbh.

I literally think it often means ‘a person who doesn’t do what I want them to’

Yep, I’ll own that.

I think you and I are actually on the same page, but looking at it differently. You appear to be referring to the concept of "healthy selfishness" which I consider to be something of a misdemeanor. I agree people should do what they want, providing it doesn't harm others or they're acting in a way that benefits themselves at the expense of others. But I wouldn't consider an action alone, without agenda, selfish. For example, not selfish: "I'm going to have a bath and a cake". Selfish: "I'm going to have a bath, even though I know it'll use all the hot water." I agree that people - especially women - should be their strongest advocates - but within the realms of fairness and equaity. But asking for the priority seat whether disabled (in my case) or pregnant (in women's case) isn't being selfish and I would never say it was. It's just having boundaries and a voice.

It will always depend on the scenario. I think as a Nation we are generally getting more selfish and self absorbed in a not nice way.

When out driving, many people are unwilling to let one car out of a junction for example. Or in the checkout queue with a weeks shopping and noticing somebody with two or three items and not letting them jump in front.

Neither of these cause us any great inconvenience and add seconds to our day, But done and played forward makes everyones lives that bit better.

Agreed

But I think you are a reasonable person with sensible values. Arseholes otoh define ‘selfish’ very differently. Ie someone who they can’t control.

There is a good (academic) book about this very issue. I've shared it before on here.

Selfish Women

https://www.routledge.com/Selfish-Women/Downing/p/book/9780367249892

And I recently stood for an hour on a train to give a priority seat to a young woman with a walking stick without her even asking. So y’see I can be nice.

Yes, this, particularly on the extent to which what is considered ‘selfishness’ is heavily gendered.

I also get a bit impatient at the use of terms ‘self-centred’ and ‘main character syndrome’. You should consider yourself the main character in your life — ultimately you’re all you have all the way through your life! That doesn’t mean you need to behave badly towards other people. Someone who does prioritise considering themselves and their limits and capacities to a healthy extent, is far less likely to end up in the classic people-pleaser dilemma, running themselves ragged to please people they neither like nor respect while resenting it bitterly.

None of those are selfish, they are about normal boundaries and choices. I think your definition of selfish is incorrect.

Selfishness would be, for example:

• Eating the only diet-specific item leaving someone who needs it nothing to choose
• Not doing your share of house jobs
• Not giving up your seat on the bus to someone who needs it more

etc., etc., etc.

I totally agree with your definition @verycloakanddaggers - to me selfish is more doing an actual act that inconveniences someone and not caring about it

I think it is important to give your own feelings and desires equal priority to those close to you. You have to think long term in this though. I hate flaky people so if someone cancelled an evening with me because they'd rather watch TV I would see this as a reflection of how they saw our relationship and wouldn't be rushing to rebook seeing them. On the other hand if a relative or group of relatives wants to come on holiday with you and it will spoil the holiday for you then saying no is fine. They can arrange a different holiday. You enjoying your holiday is important too. You just don't put yourself last.

I think the world has never been more selfish.

I saw an old video clip yesterday of a woman in war times explaining how they were all asked to have no more than 3 inches of water in their bath, and everyone complied without question. This wasn't checked up on, they all just did it to do their bit. She even recounted telling her friend that she had given herself four inches one night and her friend told her she shouldn't do it again as they wouldn't win the war.

People these days would fill their bath to the brim with absolutely no regard for others.

I think you are cherrypicking the past somewhat.