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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Refusing to travel with 4 month old and 2 dogs

59 replies

FeeTie · 30/01/2025 23:24

Just really don’t know what to make of this situation!

We had our first child 4 months ago.

Husbands family all live 2 hours away (realistically 3 hours plus with a stop for dogs/baby and the M25)

Husbands parents have visited, however his siblings (all significantly older) have not, despite being invited to come to visit new member of the family numerous times.

We are now expected by the parents to visit them to allow his siblings to meet our baby.

AIBU to think that if they can’t make the effort to see us, we are not going to them!!

Why should we face the upheaval and stress of going on a trip to the parents just so the siblings can meet our baby?

OP posts:
Ablondiebutagoody · 30/01/2025 23:26

Upheaval and stress? It's a couple of hours in the car, not a mission to Mars.

Notgivenuphope · 30/01/2025 23:27

Personally I prefer to be the one making the trip sonI can choose when to leave rather than have a load of people descend on my house, using my loo, eating all my food and overstaying.

NameChange30 · 30/01/2025 23:48

Meh. DH and I travelled a lot further with DC1 to visit his parents and wider family, can't remember how old he was exactly but only a few months. I'd suck it up tbh, if there are lots of them living near each other, it makes more sense for you to do the journey.

We don't have dogs though, I think that's a bigger issue than the baby! Would PILs be ok for you to take the dogs??

mumofoneAlonebutokay · 30/01/2025 23:49

I think you'd be better arguing the principle that if they want to meet your child, they can make the effort and come, otherwise they'll just never meet

I wouldnt bother bringing up the journey as they'd try and find ways for you to navigate it

Keroppi · 30/01/2025 23:54

couldn't you meet in the middle at a nice pub or country park once little one is older and the weather is nicer

do the siblings have young kids and do they all live in same area? I'd just drive down in morning and drive back in the evening so then you don't need to take the dogs really?

You've done it then and the onus is then on them to meet up going forward

Choccyscofffy · 30/01/2025 23:57

YANBU. Of course people should come to see the newborn if they want to, not the other way round.

If they’re not bothered about seeing the baby then that’s fine, but they shouldn’t expect a visit.

Choccyscofffy · 30/01/2025 23:57

Ablondiebutagoody · 30/01/2025 23:26

Upheaval and stress? It's a couple of hours in the car, not a mission to Mars.

Much easier for the people without a newborn and 2 dogs to make the trip then.

cadburyegg · 30/01/2025 23:58

4 months old is a reasonable travelling age tbh. They're not newborns anymore but nor are they running around into everything. It'll be a lot easier to travel with your baby now than it will be in a year's time!

It makes sense to go to them because a bunch of them live close to each other.

Are there older children in the family? It's tricky for families with school age kids to travel in term time. 4 month olds are fairly portable!

HundredPercentUnsure · 30/01/2025 23:58

It's much easier to travel with babies when they're tiny, sleep, don't eat solids, aren't mobile and can't yet fiddle with the car seat strap or reach the car door handle. Just saying.

Do you like his siblings? I get a vibe that you don't really...

Ablondiebutagoody · 31/01/2025 00:01

Choccyscofffy · 30/01/2025 23:57

Much easier for the people without a newborn and 2 dogs to make the trip then.

Show quote history

It's easy for everyone involved. If OP doesn't want to, totally understandable, but claiming that it's a stressful upheaval is silly.

CrotchetyQuaver · 31/01/2025 00:05

It's no big deal surely, I wouldn't call that a long drive?
So the older siblings aren't that bothered about meeting the new baby, TBH I wouldn't be that bothered by a new niece or nephew either. My first grandchild I am hopeful/excited for (on the horizon but at least 2 years off at a guess ) It's exciting for you of course, but I wouldn't wind yourself up about this, go and see the grandparents and if the others drop in I suppose that's their version of making an effort.

CountryMumof4 · 31/01/2025 00:09

Maybe reframe it in your mind as returning your in iaws' visit. If others want to pop by while you're there, then I'd still welcome them. I do get why you're disappointed, but I don't think it's a hill to die on. One of my boys had bi-weekly checkups at a hospital three hours' drive away for his first year - not ideal, obvs, but manageable.

PMAmostofthetime · 31/01/2025 00:09

YANBU

Your baby- your choice. Don't feel pressured into doing anything that you don't want too. It can really affect you later on and you will resent them for it.

Reply to his parents and advise that until Little one is older and you feel comfortable travelling with them then you will not be going there, however the invitation is still open for people to visit you.

One of my Little ones Aunty's didn't meet them until they were 10 months old at a family event. They were invited multiple times and choose not to come.

If they wanted to meet them, they would make the effort.

MissedItByThisMuch · 31/01/2025 00:16

It’s not a massively difficult trip for either side surely? I would try to reframe it not as “being forced” or “giving in” but as choosing to facilitate your child’s relationship with that half of their family if they won’t. Yes it would be nice if they made the effort to travel, no it’s not fair if it’s always you. But this is one of those situations where you have to choose whether to be “right” or whether to make the effort to introduce your child to grandparents, aunts and uncles, and cousins who will hopefully provide love and support to them as they grow. Maybe they’ll make the effort next time, maybe not. But you’ll know you have done what you can.

HelloNorthernStar · 31/01/2025 00:17

We used to regularly do a 2 and a half hour trip with our kids when they were babies to visit the in laws. 2 hours is not that long a journey.

Choccyscofffy · 31/01/2025 01:34

CrotchetyQuaver · 31/01/2025 00:05

It's no big deal surely, I wouldn't call that a long drive?
So the older siblings aren't that bothered about meeting the new baby, TBH I wouldn't be that bothered by a new niece or nephew either. My first grandchild I am hopeful/excited for (on the horizon but at least 2 years off at a guess ) It's exciting for you of course, but I wouldn't wind yourself up about this, go and see the grandparents and if the others drop in I suppose that's their version of making an effort.

If the older siblings are not bothered by a new niece or nephew, why does OP need to make the effort to get the baby to them?

Glitchymn1 · 31/01/2025 01:43

What were the reasons for siblings not visiting?
Are you close? are they even that interested?

Two hours in the car would be a nuisance for me to be honest, it’s nothing for some I know. DD gets car sick, so do I, it can be crammed with the dog. We only do it for holidays… 😳 and even then we stop and have a pub lunch.
Meeting half way, pub lunch minus the dogs (or with) sounds nicer.

BruFord · 31/01/2025 01:45

I don’t view that as a long trip tbh. Could someone look after the dogs for you?

Hoover2025 · 31/01/2025 01:45

4 months!

We are going to an abroad wedding with 2/ 3 hour drive then planes, then drive with an 8 week old and a toddler. Yes that is mad but it’s going to happen somehow.

So sorry YABU.

Choccyscofffy · 31/01/2025 01:56

Hoover2025 · 31/01/2025 01:45

4 months!

We are going to an abroad wedding with 2/ 3 hour drive then planes, then drive with an 8 week old and a toddler. Yes that is mad but it’s going to happen somehow.

So sorry YABU.

It’s not OP who wants to show them the baby so why does she need to make the journey? If they want to see the baby, they can come down.

RickiRaccoon · 31/01/2025 02:08

Up to you and what you feel comfortable with. With our 1st we travelled 3.5 hours at maybe 4 or 5 months (with 2 small dogs) with 1st. With our 2nd we travelled that same 3.5 hours at 3.5 months (with 2 kids and 2 dogs).

It was okay for us -- bit of a hassle with toilet stops but not too bad. Both babies and dogs travel well so that factored into it.

CrotchetyQuaver · 31/01/2025 02:09

@Choccyscofffy
I was thinking framing it so the purpose of the trip is to see the grandparents, not any siblings who drop in whilst they're there. TBH the siblings may be in families with 2 parents working full time, school age DC with weekends full of activities. It may actually be just too complicated for them to lose a whole weekend day to come visit the OP at her home.

lilytuckerpritchet · 31/01/2025 02:14

I'd say we can come in a few months when dc is a bit older or you are welcome to come to us.

Hoover2025 · 31/01/2025 02:16

Choccyscofffy · 31/01/2025 01:56

It’s not OP who wants to show them the baby so why does she need to make the journey? If they want to see the baby, they can come down.

Show quote history

Well if she doesn’t want to go she doesn’t have to. Regardless whether thats a 10 min drive or 10 hours.

But to make it about a 4 month old and a 2 hour drive like that’s excessive or unusual is silly.

creamsnugjumper · 31/01/2025 02:23

I travelled to see family 3 days after giving birth so the eldest family member could met his grandchild.

At 6 weeks we drove 8 hours to Scotland fur similar reasons. We also had 2 dogs.

Seems it's more about not wanting to bother rather than the actual drive.