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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Refusing to travel with 4 month old and 2 dogs

59 replies

FeeTie · 30/01/2025 23:24

Just really don’t know what to make of this situation!

We had our first child 4 months ago.

Husbands family all live 2 hours away (realistically 3 hours plus with a stop for dogs/baby and the M25)

Husbands parents have visited, however his siblings (all significantly older) have not, despite being invited to come to visit new member of the family numerous times.

We are now expected by the parents to visit them to allow his siblings to meet our baby.

AIBU to think that if they can’t make the effort to see us, we are not going to them!!

Why should we face the upheaval and stress of going on a trip to the parents just so the siblings can meet our baby?

OP posts:
DevilledEgg · 31/01/2025 02:44

Yanbu. Babies should not be in a car seat for any longer than absolutely necessary. 3 hours driving is way too long untill they can control their own heads consistently

Choccyscofffy · 31/01/2025 02:46

Hoover2025 · 31/01/2025 02:16

Well if she doesn’t want to go she doesn’t have to. Regardless whether thats a 10 min drive or 10 hours.

But to make it about a 4 month old and a 2 hour drive like that’s excessive or unusual is silly.

Show quote history

It is a lot for some. I don’t think it’s right to be making new mums feel inadequate because they don’t feel up to it.

GravyBoatWars · 31/01/2025 03:08

If you aren't wanting to go see your DH's family then don't go. But 2-3 hours (including a decent length stop) with a 4 month old and 2 adults is completely reasonable, so no need to make it out to be some horrifying, arduous ask.

Traveling doesn't get easier when the baby gets mobile, so I'd go visit my PIL since they came last time and let go of the need to make some point to the siblings or turn it into a standoff. You go to visit your PIL and all the siblings have a chance to come by and meet your little one in one go without each of them individually traveling to you and the downside of this is... what? They didn't really have to earn it? Extended family just doesn't need to be that grudgingly transactional.

HomeTheatreSystem · 31/01/2025 03:24

Is the upcoming dripfeed that you'd be making the journey in a Vauxhall Corsa?

If not, then I think you are making unnecessarily heavy weather of this. It's not that long a journey, you can plan your breaks for the dogs/feeds and the baby will probably sleep most of the way. Chill out.

LiquoriceAllsorts2 · 31/01/2025 03:25

It’s not that far, you can make an effort to do it one time

LurkyMcLurkinson · 31/01/2025 03:29

People are so busy sharing their view this isn’t a particularly big trip to take there doesn’t seem to be much recognition of the fact the onus is still on the op to make the journey. If your partner’s siblings haven’t made the effort though I don’t see why you should have to op.

ReadingSoManyThreads · 31/01/2025 03:53

I can't believe the amount of people telling you to just go!

You've invited the siblings, they've chosen not to bother coming to meet their niece/nephew, so why the hell should you make the time and effort to go to them just because the in-laws "expect" you to?

Nope!

If they want to meet baby and develop a relationship, they can come to you for now. OR if you are keen for them to meet, offer to meet half-way.

Personally, I wouldn't be bothered. And before anyone says anything, I made a 13hour trip with my 12 week old so that my Dad and wider family could meet her. My sibling however, had been only a 1 hour journey from me when she was 3 weeks old, and didn't bother coming to meet her first niece.

I don't see the point in forcing relationships with those who clearly cannot be bothered.

LivingLaVidaBabyShower · 31/01/2025 04:06

Nah, assuming they are able bodied that could get fucked.

Set up a Whats app group and s0end them all an invite for Easter or a "half birthday" bash or whatever at yours.

When they decline say let us know when IS good to come meet the baby.

If the parents keep on, tell them they are harassing the wrong offspring....

Original poster
FeeTie · 31/01/2025 09:01

Thanks all - interesting to hear other’s opinions.

I do find it stressful to be in the car with my little one & 2 dogs for what will be at a minimum 4.5hours of driving in a day unfortunately. The little one also really doesn’t sleep for more than 30mins in the car and we will have to stop. But each to their own if it’s not a problem for you, then great.

The in-laws don't have any school age children, so realistically it’s a much easier journey for them.

I feel for my husband as it’s our first child, and i guess it would have been nice for his siblings to make the effort.
I am annoyed that his parents tbh for suggesting this.
livinglavivababyshower - your last sentence, I hadn’t thought of it that way.

OP posts:
Renovationhell · 31/01/2025 09:06

Just leave the dogs at home?

I have dogs but sometimes they just complicate matters. Just get someone to check on them during the day.

Kitkatfiend31 · 31/01/2025 09:12

I think if your husband wants to go you need to do it. But I would not take the dogs as well. Get a dog sitter or use kennels.

Whoarethoseguys · 31/01/2025 09:13

I think it's the dogs that complicate it do you have to take them too?
My DD travelled from abroad with her 3 month and two year old. Sometimes by herself. The three months old was much easier to travel with.
But if you don't want to go that's fine too. It's your decision.

Sharptonguedwoman · 31/01/2025 09:17

Put the dogs in kennels for a day or couple of days so you don't have to worry about them and your relatives don't either. I had a dog for a long time, found a lovely home from home for the dog and used it frequently).
2 hrs for a baby will be fine.

GreylingsSkin · 31/01/2025 09:23

Choccyscofffy · 31/01/2025 01:56

It’s not OP who wants to show them the baby so why does she need to make the journey? If they want to see the baby, they can come down.

Show quote history

Exactly. Complete madness to me that people voted op is unreasonable.

If the inlaws want to visit the baby, they have an invite and they can come. Unless they are disabled I would not be putting myself out for them. I always go to visit a newborn/young baby rather expect them to come to me (and I’m disabled and find travel difficult). Deranged. The cool wives and mils will come and say your unreasonable but I’d let it wash over you. Reading between the lines it sounds like siblings don’t care and won’t be pushed into visiting, but mil/pil want the family photos so trying to summon you.

SapphireOpal · 31/01/2025 09:29

Keroppi · 30/01/2025 23:54

couldn't you meet in the middle at a nice pub or country park once little one is older and the weather is nicer

do the siblings have young kids and do they all live in same area? I'd just drive down in morning and drive back in the evening so then you don't need to take the dogs really?

You've done it then and the onus is then on them to meet up going forward

Unless you are planning to stay for about 2 minutes, this is too long to leave the dogs.

Olika · 31/01/2025 09:44

If they want to see your baby, they can travel to you.

RampantIvy · 31/01/2025 10:00

Why are posters minimising the fact that for the OP it is a hassle?

We aren't all the same. Maybe the dogs aren't good travellers or maybe they aren't welcome at her family's house.

SJM1988 · 31/01/2025 10:44

It sounds like you don't like your DH family. If you DH wants to do I think the right thing to do is go. Afterall he is the father as much as you are the mother. Sometimes you have to compromise.

Yes its more effort for you to go to them but they for one reason or another have not visited. I am very pro family and making an effort even if it is me that has to make the effort. I flew across the world with the 7 month old on my own so my DH's family could meet your DS. Was it more of a hassle for me to go there....100% but at the end of the day it was the right thing to do for my DS to met his family. I always drive the 3 hours for my DB and SIL to see my 2 DCs even though they do not have kids. Sometimes you have to facilitate the contact and if it doesn't work out at least you can say you tried.

OneLilacGuide · 31/01/2025 10:49

I mean, I don’t think 2 hours is a very long drive but I understand your reasoning, if they are that desperate to see baby they can come to you.

Is it possible to meet in the middle for a walk and lunch to appease both sides?

RampantIvy · 31/01/2025 10:56

A two hour drive as an adult with no pets and babies is much easier.

With pets and a baby a 2 hour drive is much longer.

It's a no brainer to me.

muddyford · 31/01/2025 11:02

I would sort out dog care then go. It gets all the siblings crossed off the baby viewing list in one go. Otherwise you'll be saying DH's siblings are coming on three consecutive weekends and it's too much.

Springflowersmakeforbetterhours · 31/01/2025 11:14

Do they really want your ddogs there? Just say they don't travel well but you are in xyz days...
Or do the journey knowing they can make the next trip. Road goes both ways and all that. Nobody can argue with that can they?

NameChange30 · 31/01/2025 11:15

If it was just PILs, I'd say they should come to you and not the other way around. But given that there's a lot of family near them, I don't think it makes sense to insist all the family travels (presumably separately) to you.

Ellie1015 · 31/01/2025 11:19

If your dh wants to go i would be supportive. If he also agrees it is too much hassle then fair enough to decline. I wouldnt block my dh from us making the effort if important to him.

Dont be annoyed at offer from parents as for many them hosting and seeing all siblings at once rather than having a houseful to host or multiple visits being a lot easier. They arent wrong to ask you.