AIBU over finances

[Lunab18]

DH and I have been married two years. The house we live in is only in my name as are all of the household bills.l (was my home anyway). We are looking to borrow extra on the mortgage for new kitchen etc and I asked if we can have full and open transparency on our finances before we do this. The extra borrowing will be solely in my name again with the hope that DH would come on the mortgage in the next 2/3 years.
When I met DH he was in a bit of a mess with debts that had gone to recovery companies. I took a loan out to clear all the debts and he pays this each month. He was then going to work on building up his credit score to eventually go on the mortgage. In the past year I know he has taken out at least two credit cards and some Klarna agreements. He doesn’t want to show me his finances, says I should just trust that he pays his debts and gives me an agreed amount towards the mortgage, bills etc. I want to see everything so I know how he is managing his money and that he isn’t getting into too much debt that he may struggle to repay again. Also to see why he is getting in debt at all.
I should add that my ex DH was in lots of hidden debt so I don’t know how much this plays on my mind.
I feel like in a marriage we should be open but he feels I am being controlling and not trusting him.
I really don’t know what to do, any advice welcome and please say if you think I’m being unreasonable.

You have already paid his debts off once so he knows that you will again. You need to see everything.

Well you are not trusting him but there is a good reason for it. Surely, he can see it.
I don't know what to suggest as I can't imagine ever willingly and knowingly entering a marriage like that. I suppose, there is nothing at all you can do if he refuses to come clean. But it is worth remembering that assets as well as debt are shared in marriage so I would think twice before letting him get on the mortgage.

It's a bit late for my advice which would have been don't marry him!

As you have married him your house and his debts will be all in the marital pot if you divorce. Even that being the case I would tell him you will never put the house in joint names while you don't have transparent finances andctryst in him to manage finances. At least your house is safe from his debt collectors or bankruptcy if it came to that as I don't think even married partners are responsible for each other's debts.

He has much more to gain by sharing finances so he definitely has a lot to hide.

YANBU

He's obviously built up debt again.

I mean, you're already married so he's going to get more than he had, but this is red flag central to me. Already had a history of debt and now two more credits cards and Klarna within a year.
Would suggest taking legal advice and ring-fencing your existing equity in the property as much as legally possible, both from the marriage and if he comes on the mortgage in future.

Transparent, open and honest is sharing info and clarity on each other's finances.
Controlling is if either of you try to tell the other what to do with their money - but equally, if he's irresponsible, gets into debt or doesn't contribute, then it's just sensible, not controlling, to protect yourself & your financial interests (and ultimately leave if necessary).

Also, pp is incorrect, debt isn't necessarily shared in a marriage (most debts are individual), so be aware of that and don't let him push you into covering any more for him.

You were really silly to take out a loan in your own name to repay debt when he won't even be transparent with his finances. You are on the hook for part of his debt if you divorce

Oh dear OP you've been so foolish. Why on earth did you take a loan out to clear his debts? And then you married him. Now you want him on your mortgage?!

I think you should get professional advice before you do anything else; you've taken on his debts and as you are married he is entitled to half your assets.

As it’s a relatively short marriage he won’t be entitled to half your assets yet, I would divorce him if he won’t be transparent and absolutely no way add him to the mortgage.

He probably wouldn’t be accepted anyway if he is back to his old habits.

Good luck. I don’t think people like your husband can change and I say that as someone whose partner is like that and doesn’t change. I don’t understand the processes their minds go through.

Don’t get tied up in debt with him until you know he is 100% honest with you regarding his finances and spending and his debts are cleared.

Also please don’t listen to people saying you take on half his debt through marriage. This isn’t the case unless the debt is in both your names.

He feels guilty because he’s got into debt again and knows you’ll (rightly) be angryz

i just don’t understand why he would go on living outwith his means. You get into debt because you‘re benefits are delayed or your washing machine breaks. This clearly isn’t the case here as you would know about these things.

I have zero time for the sort of childish behaviour that has him getting into debt by buying stuff that’s not necessary.

WTAF? Sorry no way I would put up with this. Him saying you don’t trust him is borderline gaslighting. If he had nothing to hide he would be open with you. This behaviour as a married couple is not on, you are supposed to be a team. I would be raging.

Thank you ladies, he made me doubt if I was being unreasonable wanting to know this and he certainly thinks I should just trust what he says.
Unfortunately I think this may be the end of our marriage if I cant’t trust him and he won’t be open with me. He insists I just want to control everything and I’ve no need to see his finances.
I’ve asked him to leave if he can’t be open with me, I just can’t be lied to and deceived again.

How is the rest of your relationship? If he had nothing to hide he wouldn’t be trying to deflect by accusing you of being controlling.

The financial trust needs to be earnt back, as he has already proven he is untrustworthy. If he won’t be transparent, when you have already bailed him out, I’d seriously consider walking away. As pointed out it’s a short marriage right now and he won’t be entitled to half

It might be useful to speak to someone in real life to reflect on why you are getting into relationships with men who financially abuse you

My goodness what a mess. Is the loan outstanding still that you took out to clear his debts still outstanding?

I think you need to frame it as "I am really concerned, I took out a loan to help you, which I wasn't comfortable doing, but did because I love you and wanted to help. But it isn't helping if you are going down that road again. We need to understand as a couple where the money is going and how we can manage things going forward."

Get out while your marriage is still short, or he could make a claim on your house in the divorce.

I would get advice and legally end the marriage ASAP given that a shorter marriage may stop him having a claim to your home.

I would consider a divorce even if you want to stay in the relationship to separate out his ability to claim your home. You are in a relationship with another man who is financially irresponsible, you have already given yourself debt that he could stop paying and you would be liable for being in your name, and by marrying him you also put your home at risk and any savings you have.

I would highly recommend getting some legal advice about the situation.

It's probably safe to assume that your marriage is going to end over this.
Hopefully you won't get too screwed financially.

I'm truly sorry, OP, but it sounds as if you've taken on a complete liability there - and I don't just mean financially

Since you've done it once already he'll almost certainly expect you to bail him out again and refusing access to his finances is completely unreasonable in the circumstances. I'm afraid that for me it would be ultimatum time before he cleans you out completely, but only you can decide

He may be able to do that anyway if he lacks money to house himself, but I agree that if a divorce is going to happen it's best done sooner rather than later

Thanks for your advice and comments. He’s left now, wasn’t how I was expecting the day to end 😢.