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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU over finances

68 replies

Lunab18 · 30/01/2025 12:15

DH and I have been married two years. The house we live in is only in my name as are all of the household bills.l (was my home anyway). We are looking to borrow extra on the mortgage for new kitchen etc and I asked if we can have full and open transparency on our finances before we do this. The extra borrowing will be solely in my name again with the hope that DH would come on the mortgage in the next 2/3 years.
When I met DH he was in a bit of a mess with debts that had gone to recovery companies. I took a loan out to clear all the debts and he pays this each month. He was then going to work on building up his credit score to eventually go on the mortgage. In the past year I know he has taken out at least two credit cards and some Klarna agreements. He doesn’t want to show me his finances, says I should just trust that he pays his debts and gives me an agreed amount towards the mortgage, bills etc. I want to see everything so I know how he is managing his money and that he isn’t getting into too much debt that he may struggle to repay again. Also to see why he is getting in debt at all.
I should add that my ex DH was in lots of hidden debt so I don’t know how much this plays on my mind.
I feel like in a marriage we should be open but he feels I am being controlling and not trusting him.
I really don’t know what to do, any advice welcome and please say if you think I’m being unreasonable.

OP posts:
ForRealCat · 30/01/2025 16:00

Lunab18 · 30/01/2025 15:56

Thanks for your advice and comments. He’s left now, wasn’t how I was expecting the day to end 😢.

Thats awful and I am so sorry.

I think the fact he can't be open means he is hiding so much more than you are aware of. He wants to frame it as you can't trust him, but this is gaslighting you. I think you are going to be horrified about some debts that start to come out of the woodwork and realise that you have done the right thing to protect yourself.

I know its hard, but think practically, get a block on any joint cards you may have, and if you share any online shopping accounts and things.

ThejoyofNC · 30/01/2025 16:03

The fact he would rather leave than be open and honest makes it pretty clear he's hiding more lies. You'll be glad to be rid of him soon OP.

StrawberryWater · 30/01/2025 16:22

Lunab18 · 30/01/2025 15:56

Thanks for your advice and comments. He’s left now, wasn’t how I was expecting the day to end 😢.

Sorry op.

In a few days you'll be glad to see the back of him trust me. I've been there with men who can't and won't manage their money effectively while leeching off others. Scummy cock lodgers who see you as a weak traget.

Make sure he hasn't got anything out against the house or in your name. Been there too and it's a bloody nightmare to get out of. Protect yourself.

Dryshampoofordays · 30/01/2025 16:29

lucky escape op, no transparency, no trust. No trust, no relationship!

Choccyscofffy · 30/01/2025 16:33

Lunab18 · 30/01/2025 15:56

Thanks for your advice and comments. He’s left now, wasn’t how I was expecting the day to end 😢.

You did the right thing. You handled this so well.

Original poster
Lunab18 · 30/01/2025 18:19

Thanks again everyone, not sure how I’ve ended up in this position again. Definitely poor choice in men and I feel heartbroken for my poor kids.

OP posts:
Snowmanscarf · 30/01/2025 18:20

Hope yog’re okay.

Fencehedge · 30/01/2025 18:25

I'm so sorry, he's obviously taken huge advantage of you nd run up more debts. If you were so inclined you can run a free credit check using his details with the main agencies, though probably a moot point.

arcticpandas · 30/01/2025 19:04

The fact that you have already taken on a l'an to clear his debt is a very good reason to wish for transparent finances. You're too god for him OP. He is definitely hiding things from you why he got defensive enough to leave. Don't kick yourself, he's the one not being responsable. Your only mistake was being too kind and trusting. 💐

Billybagpuss · 30/01/2025 19:39

I’m so sorry 😞 such an awful day for you. Have a cry but then you need to get yourself in order. Get a handle on your own finances and a decent lawyer as you want to minimise how much he will be entitled to as you are definitely the more affluent of the 2 of you.

Original poster
Lunab18 · 31/01/2025 14:21

Fencehedge · 30/01/2025 18:25

I'm so sorry, he's obviously taken huge advantage of you nd run up more debts. If you were so inclined you can run a free credit check using his details with the main agencies, though probably a moot point.

Thank you for this, I’ve got his report and just like I feared he’s taken out some credit cards and has put £2k on them in the past 10 months. No idea what he’s spent that money on but clearly he didn’t want me to know.

OP posts:
CoffeeBeansGalore · 31/01/2025 14:29

Make sure you contact the council tax dept & tell them he's no longer living there. Not sure if the electoral role office will change anything straight away, but if possible remove his name from the address.

The less time he's shown as living with you the better.

Any debt letters/credit card statements return as no longer at this address. Even if you put them in another envelope to return with a note saying he's no longer there. If you can say where he's gone then give them that info. Take a photo as proof of date you contacted them.

flower858 · 03/02/2025 09:59

I'd be fuming, paying off his debts 😬 if he can get more stuff out I'll be like time to pay me back. Remember If you're married your financially associated together especially via credit reports so be careful. You can I believe unassociate, he would be going no where near my house or anything for that matter. This is not how a marriage works and it's very one sided on his part. There would be sl.e deal breakers for me here

flower858 · 03/02/2025 10:03

Just saw the update, I'm sorry. says it all he's willing to walk away though... Remember not all debts show on one credit lender so be prepared there might be some more.

FOJN · 03/02/2025 10:19

You may want to consider sending a notice of financial dissociation to the credit reference agencies so that if he runs up more debt or fails to service the debt he has it will not affect your credit rating.

I would return his mail to sender, the address is usually on the outside of the envelope, with a letter informing them he no longer lives at your address so that if he defaults on his debts the bailiffs won't come to your house.

Don't forward financial related mail directly to him because he will be able to continue using your address to get credit.

See a Solicitor and start divorce proceedings quickly.

FranticHare · 03/02/2025 10:38

Get out now. If he keeps lying about this, there is no future.

Been there, done that.

Harry12345 · 03/02/2025 10:45

Hope you’re ok, you’ve been really strong and not unreasonable at all

Patterncarmen · 03/02/2025 10:46

Lunab18 · 30/01/2025 12:58

Thank you ladies, he made me doubt if I was being unreasonable wanting to know this and he certainly thinks I should just trust what he says.
Unfortunately I think this may be the end of our marriage if I cant’t trust him and he won’t be open with me. He insists I just want to control everything and I’ve no need to see his finances.
I’ve asked him to leave if he can’t be open with me, I just can’t be lied to and deceived again.

Good for you. Being married to a partner who is poor with money leads to heartbreak. My first partner was like this, and my second is excellent with money. The difference to my quality of life is enormous.

Sneezeless · 03/02/2025 10:48

Terrible mistake marrying this bloke but I think you are realising that. Cut your losses, get divorced ASAP before he drags you down even more financially.

Twiglets1 · 03/02/2025 10:56

Can't believe there can be so little financial transparency in a marriage.

You're not being unreasonable at all.

Hwi · 03/02/2025 11:06

You want to re-mortgage to upgrade the kitchen? Seriously?

EuclidianGeometryFan · 03/02/2025 11:25

I am so sorry this has happened to you. You must be devastated.

Thank goodness he went so quickly and quietly.
Don't have him back.
Pack up his stuff in bags now, ready for him to collect on the doorstep.
Change the locks.

As mentioned up thread, contact the electoral register to get him taken off, and the council tax office to claim single-occupancy discount.

Close all joint accounts and joint cards. Take his name off any online shopping sites, etc. and change passwords.

Get divorced ASAP.

For future reference, marriage is a legal contract that involves sharing finances and assets. Don't get married just because you want to live with someone, or because you are in love and it is romantic.

Msmoonpie · 03/02/2025 11:42

nightmarepickle2025 · 30/01/2025 13:04

Get out while your marriage is still short, or he could make a claim on your house in the divorce.

Best advice here.

babyproblems · 03/02/2025 11:44

Wow yes absolutely insist on full transparency. Anything less and you’re married is financially abusive imo. He’s already proven he cannot be trusted… surely he must realise that he needs to rebuild that trust and that definitely involves complete transparency between the two of you!! I wondered why you/he got married?? Surely the financial tying together is one of the main reasons many take that step..

user1471538275 · 03/02/2025 12:00

Divorce him immediately whilst it's still considered a short marriage so it will limit the damage to you.

Why on earth did you take on a loan for his debt?

Act now or suffer later - your choice