AIBU over finances

[Lunab18]

DH and I have been married two years. The house we live in is only in my name as are all of the household bills.l (was my home anyway). We are looking to borrow extra on the mortgage for new kitchen etc and I asked if we can have full and open transparency on our finances before we do this. The extra borrowing will be solely in my name again with the hope that DH would come on the mortgage in the next 2/3 years.
When I met DH he was in a bit of a mess with debts that had gone to recovery companies. I took a loan out to clear all the debts and he pays this each month. He was then going to work on building up his credit score to eventually go on the mortgage. In the past year I know he has taken out at least two credit cards and some Klarna agreements. He doesn’t want to show me his finances, says I should just trust that he pays his debts and gives me an agreed amount towards the mortgage, bills etc. I want to see everything so I know how he is managing his money and that he isn’t getting into too much debt that he may struggle to repay again. Also to see why he is getting in debt at all.
I should add that my ex DH was in lots of hidden debt so I don’t know how much this plays on my mind.
I feel like in a marriage we should be open but he feels I am being controlling and not trusting him.
I really don’t know what to do, any advice welcome and please say if you think I’m being unreasonable.

Hopefully with you only being married 2 years ,he can't take a share of the house

Trust shouldn't even come into it. You are sharing your lives together and are married. Your lives are intertwined as are your finances. Take away the trust bullshit and it is common sense to fully financially plan your lives together. It blows my mind how many people don't, especially with long term planning. One day you'll be retired and I can't imagine how many couples are out there where one doesn't have a pension.

Can you manage without him financially?

He is using your address to take out these new cards and agreements. Any negative financial behaviour will impact your credit rating through being linked at the same address. It may even negatively impact the extra loan you are planning to take out!
He needs to declare any debt held at your address.
You could do a financial screening and find out anyway without his agreement or knowledge.

My understanding is that a spouse’s credit will be taken into account when you remortgage anyway so I don’t think you’ll get the credit if his credit score is that bad

I'd seriously be divorcing him, sooner rather than later. Can't bear flaky people.

Don't put this man on your mortgage and don't take out any more loans to clear his debt. He's not being honest with you about money and he's not learnt his lesson. My ex was the same and the only reason I got to keep my house when we divorced was because he was a secret gambler. My solicitor told me a judge won't give assets to a gambler, so I got to keep my house which he moved into (and then out of), and my son and me kept our home. I too trusted that he'd learnt his lesson, but not long after leaving me he ran up £10 K ish in debts in a year and declared himself bankrupt. Didnt pay maintenance either.

Whose "hope that he'll come on the mortgage" - yours or his?

The one good thing here is that he has no claim to your house - you would have been mad to change that.

I don’t think it’s exactly uncommon for couples to take out credit without the other knowing. I see this all the time. Some people have joint finances, many others don’t. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with him having his own finances.

have you tried to support him with the spending rather than threatening him? Does he have adhd or other neurodivergence? This impacts spending and ability to manage money. What is he spending it on? Are there deeper issues here? He’s your husband - aren’t you meant to work through these things together?

I find it staggering how quickly people these days are to announce the end of marriage. It really seems to count for zilch these days which I think is a shame.

It's indirectly true, in that the starting point for marital assets is 50:50, so if OP has assets of £100,000 in pensions, savings and house equity, and her husband has assets of -£20,000 (debts and no assets) the marital pot is worth £80,000.
It's not directly true, in that OP isn't liable for her husband's debts unless she's taken out a loan to pay them off (as she has for part of it). Also, the 50:50 can be adjusted for things such as short marriage, pre-marital assets, etc. But the marital home isn't usually a pre-marital asset just because OP bought it and paid for it before the marriage, it's usually counted as a marital asset anyway.

Totally agree that couples should plan together but it’s very common for them not to. I see many people with entirely separate finances who are married or long term partners

IMO OP has the right to see where and why the money is going. I think it is a reasonable request in order to improve the situation. Some people are financially awful but amazing with other things. I feel that it's easy for others to say end it. There is a lot involved including kids. Everyone has their own deal breaker and have seen on here so many scenarios. The worst to me is when partners cheat and the reactions which are actually forgiving the guilty party/finding ways round it.
I also believe it's rather harsh to be so critical of the OP. There is help and support out there for this problem. OP perhaps arrange to see together a professional who can advise about debts.

Men never get better, each time you help them that gives them more balls to up the anti. Get out now before he gets more intwined with your finances

Proceed with absolute caution. I was married and my husband was on the mortgage. He proceeded to rack up debts (unknown to me) and then not pay any of them. I only found out when we tried to remortgage and were declined - I work in finance and was regularly credit checked by my employer at the time. I ordered our credit file and I couldn’t believe it - our marriage was on the rocks anyway so I gave him some money for his share of the equity and kicked him out. Fortunately because of my job I got him to sign a TR1 form to put the house in my name but the lender wouldn’t take him off the mortgage as they said I couldn’t afford it on my own - laughable as he was gambling and drinking all his money anyway when he lived there. Fast forward and the 2 companies he had loans with tried to put a charge on the house and I regularly had bailiffs knocking on the door looking for him, they thought I was covering for him, even after the divorce came through. He ruined my credit score for 5 years. Luckily as I had the TR1 signed they failed to put a charge on my house but it cost me £1,500 to get a solicitor to sort it. The amount he owed was over £25k for the 2 loans. Don’t get dragged in to a mess - trust me it’s not worth it and I thought I had my head screwed on,

Absolute rubbish. His debts became her business when she took out a loan to clear the first lot for him. She didn't take out a loan to clear his borrowing capacity so he could get them further in the hole

You might see it all the time but it is really wrong!

Financial compatibility and openness in a marriage is an absolute must have. If you don't have this, then your relationship is on very shaky ground.

Separate finances is absolutely fine, but you still need to be absolutely transparent about all major* finances.

*by major, I'm not talking about the odd random purchase.

The OP is not threatening her husband! She is asking him to be open and honest, as that's what marriage and relationships are about. If her DH can't do that, then their marriage is pointless.

People talk about fidelity in a marriage and being faithful, but this doesn't just apply to physical and emotional affairs! It's also about being faithful financially. Her DH isn't being financially faithful to her.

Oh mate, I'm sorry this has happened. I think you need to immediately speak to a solicitor because when you divorce (which i think you should) you'll officially have to take into account all this debt and presumably he'll want money from the house, because even though it's in your name, you're married and therefore it is all up for grabs. You need a professional to advise you exactly where you stand financially, what you need to do next, how you stop him using your home and credit score to create more debt and how you protect yourself. Get an expert involved asap, get him out your home and remember you were just being kind and trusting, these are lovely traits, he is the idiot here.

If I were you I would seek legal advice immediately to see if there’s anything you can do to protect your house em