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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not tell MY mother my every move? I am 31, married and a mother myself.....

76 replies

DrNortherner · 07/05/2008 12:31

We usually speak on the telephone every day, except Sunday's. Well, she speaks and I listen

Anyway, I had a very busy weekend and did not call her Friday night. Saturday went for tea woth some friends, got back at about 9.30pm. Phone was ringing. It was my mother sobbing hysterically because she was worried about me. I told her where I had been to which she replied 'BUT YOU DIDN'T TELL ME'

I was cross and dh was very pissed off.

I got cross with her, thenn she got more upset saying 'sorry for worrying about you then' blah blah blah.

She has always been like this and it's getting very annoying tbh.

OP posts:
Kewcumber · 07/05/2008 12:34

you need to have words with her.

Probably won;t work but might make you feel better. I was lucky - I nipped the worst of it in the bud when I was about 24 when I went inter-railing around Europe and my mum wanted me to ring her everytime we moved city. I refused and instead sent her a postcard from each place.

pooka · 07/05/2008 12:36

That would drive me INSANE.

My mother would not, never, ever do this. For which I am thankful. SHE used be be so cross every time we saw my grandmother, because she would be waiting until exactly 1 hour 15mins had passed after we left so she could ring ring ring to make sure we hadn't been wiped out in a car crash. Always with the "ring me when you get home" bit - but wouldn't wait for my mother to ring.

clayre · 07/05/2008 12:37

Ah yeah my mums a bit like that too, i only live round her corner from her and if she doesnt see me going about or we havent spoke on the fone shes hunting me down, once me, dp and the 2 kids went out for the day and i wasnt answering my mobile, i just didnt hear it, dp's mobile rang and it was my mum, she'd fones dp's mums to get his mobile number, so she not only worried her self half to death she managed to worry dps mum too!

Kewcumber · 07/05/2008 12:37

your mothers anxiety levels sound unreasonable - can you suggest that she is unusually anxious?

Carmenere · 07/05/2008 12:38

That is passive aggressive guilt tripping of the highest order and you should call her on it or it can get out of hand

Bellie · 07/05/2008 12:38

no I don't think you are being unreasonable.

Not quiet as bad, but dh's mum does this - they only speak once a week but if we are not around on a sunday afternoon (when dh usually rings) she will ring every 10 mins until we answer (we have a answerphone that logs all calls, and sometimes she has rung 25 times).

It makes me cross too!

Needamassage · 07/05/2008 12:38

My God, that sounds SO irritating! I only speak to my mum about once a month!

Kewcumber · 07/05/2008 12:39

these mothers sound like they need a few more interesting things to fill their lives...

Original poster
DrNortherner · 07/05/2008 12:41

She calls after 6pm every evening, I ignore the phone if i am busy/with ds/bathtime etc. She will keep ringing till I answer saying 'where were you?'

This is her to a tee, she's always been like it.

She came with me and MIL shopping for wedding outfits for the bridesmaids when dh and I were gattimng married and she sobbed for days afterwrds because apparantly I was more attentive to MIL than to her

OP posts:
jelliebelly · 07/05/2008 12:41

You speak to your mum EVERY DAY

if you speak with her at the same time every day then you should probably have told her that you wouldn't be around TBH. Why on earth do you need to speak with her EVERY DAY??

Original poster
DrNortherner · 07/05/2008 12:43

I don't need to speak with her everyday, she needs to speak with me everyday.

It broke her heart when I said lets not call on a Sunday.

OP posts:
AlistairSim · 07/05/2008 12:44

I speak to my mum almost every day.
What's wrong with that?

I really like her.

Carmenere · 07/05/2008 12:45

Has it never occurred to you before that this is really weird and disfunctional? Tell her to stop being ridiculous and that if there is nothing wrong or no juicy gossip that every other day is more than often enough. tell her to get a life, seriously, she is not busy enough if she is obsessing about you like this.

AlistairSim · 07/05/2008 12:45

That was meant for jelliebelly, btw.

MrsTittleMouse · 07/05/2008 12:45

My Mum has a tendency towards this, and I've had to nip it in the bud several times. And she has plenty of other stuff going on in her life!
I think that Mums like this just have no idea of normal proper boundaries. It's very difficult to handle it though, as they get very defensive and sensitive and see any steps towards less contact as "rejection". Luckily, my Mum gets on really well with DH and will reduce contact so as not to piss him off. Doesn't stop her phoning when we're putting DD to bed, or when I'm just dropping off to sleep, mind you, and then saying "oh, I know that this is a bad time, but I just needed to tell you... ".
I would do things like that (i.e. not being available) on a more frequent basis, to be honest, and just get her used to it.

Carmenere · 07/05/2008 12:46

Speaking to your mum every day is not a problem, her going bonkers when you don't answer or getting silly about it is a problem.

Original poster
DrNortherner · 07/05/2008 12:46

She is not busy enough you are right. I kind of feel a duty I guess. chatting to her for 10 mins or so keeps her happy - is that so bad?

OP posts:
yorkshirepudding · 07/05/2008 12:48

Message withdrawn

Original poster
DrNortherner · 07/05/2008 12:49

Yeah she is YP, and that has helped, but Sat night really peed me off.

My Dad never pulls her up about it either.

OP posts:
jangly · 07/05/2008 12:50

Does she do texting? I find its much better than lengthy phone calls and you can get your news across and ask how she is.

Original poster
DrNortherner · 07/05/2008 12:51

ROFL at my mother texting. In a word no!

OP posts:
jelliebelly · 07/05/2008 12:53

AlistairSim - I like and love my mum very much but I just don't feel the need to speak with her everyday - I just think that it is plain odd tbh.

jangly · 07/05/2008 12:53

That's a shame. Its great! You sure you can't get her started? I know how she feels about being jealous about you seeming to talk more to your mil. I get like that! Its weird!

yorkshirepudding · 07/05/2008 12:54

Message withdrawn

Hecate · 07/05/2008 12:56

I think you need to do more stuff without telling her. Pass the message that you are a separate family, doing your own thing.

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