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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not tell MY mother my every move? I am 31, married and a mother myself.....

76 replies

DrNortherner · 07/05/2008 12:31

We usually speak on the telephone every day, except Sunday's. Well, she speaks and I listen

Anyway, I had a very busy weekend and did not call her Friday night. Saturday went for tea woth some friends, got back at about 9.30pm. Phone was ringing. It was my mother sobbing hysterically because she was worried about me. I told her where I had been to which she replied 'BUT YOU DIDN'T TELL ME'

I was cross and dh was very pissed off.

I got cross with her, thenn she got more upset saying 'sorry for worrying about you then' blah blah blah.

She has always been like this and it's getting very annoying tbh.

OP posts:

yorkshirepudding · 07/05/2008 12:56

Message withdrawn

Gumbo · 07/05/2008 12:56

You are not being unreasonable - but your mother definitely is!

Having to speak to her daily/tell her your every move is ridiculous! Do you have siblings - if so, do they get treated like children too?

I really agree with the other posters who suggested that you talk to her about this. You're an adult in charge of your own life, and free to make your own decisions/visit friends without consulting her.

(I speak to my mother every couple of weeks or so. And it's no accident that I live 8000 miles away from her... )

Original poster

DrNortherner · 07/05/2008 12:59

I have no siblings.

Life is busy, I work 4 days a week, have ds and dh, friends, they gym, on a local committee - social life is busy enough. She has commented in teh past that I am always out.

I don't want to upset her though.

It's hard.

OP posts:

yorkshirepudding · 07/05/2008 13:00

Message withdrawn

suwoo · 07/05/2008 13:01

I speak to my mum every day, we live 100 miles from each other. My mum and dad are moving to France in July and we will continue to speak to each other daily. I enjoy speaking to her, she's like a friend really. It is a 'nice thing' for both of us, neither of us is overly dependant like the OPs' mum, poor OP.

Original poster

DrNortherner · 07/05/2008 13:01

OP posts:

Gumbo · 07/05/2008 13:04

It's a shame you have no siblings - it might have been a way to take the pressure off you somewhat. I guess your mother is quite protective of you, so still trying to look after you and not willing to accept you're leading your own life. Which is quite sad really.

I agree with Hecate though - perhaps if you started just doing a few more things without her knowing she'd gradually get used to the idea? (It's still outrageous that she actually was miffed that you hadn't told her you were doing something!)

geekgirl · 07/05/2008 13:09

I used to speak to my mum every day T'was lovely and I really miss our little chats.

She wasn't like Northerner's dm though, who does sound rather over-anxious. It's tricky, isn't it? You have to weigh up how much it annoys you and whether you can deal with it tactfully. Maybe give her advance warning that you won't be able to talk to her tomorrow or whenever because you're doing x? And then increase these absences?

pooka · 07/05/2008 13:58

Hey! I speak to my mother more or less every day. I like her, we have good chats, she is interested in much that we do, and likewise. But shoudl we not, neither of us is getting desperately worried that something is amiss.

RubyRioja · 07/05/2008 14:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

littlelapin · 07/05/2008 14:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RubyRioja · 07/05/2008 14:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

hotcrossbunny · 07/05/2008 14:13

My mum would happily talk to me every day, but would then be really miffed if it was only for 10 minutes. I need to be told every minutae of her life.

I have it down to 3-4 times a week, but unfortunately each call can last 90 mins or so. She has no idea how much a chunk of the day that is between drop off/pick up at school. We live 200 miles apart and she hates it, whereas I think it's probably about right I love her but I am a happier person with distance between us...

I don't know what the answer is tbh. Maybe do more things without her knowing every movement, and she'd gradually get used to it? Good luck.

marymoocow · 07/05/2008 14:19

Sounds like my mum too, so HUGE sympathies. She will waffle on about people I've never met as if they were my best friend. I completely understand what you are saying about HER talking and YOU listening.
However, the last few phone calls I have been slightly distracted for one reason or another, and sounded slightly less interested. The hint seems to have worked, haven't heard from her since Thursday.

Mind you thats started to make me a bit paranoid now as it is most unusual.

She is going to be really cross next week, as I have just found out I have got a job interview, and I haven't even told her I am looking for work (I wasn't, but thats another story).

Original poster

DrNortherner · 07/05/2008 14:35

Glad to see I am not alone

Thanks for your comments.

OP posts:

lollipopmother · 07/05/2008 17:25

When I was at uni I was staying at my boyfriends house (hadn't told my mum that I had one!) and my phone battery ran out so I was uncontactable for 2 days - my mum sent the police round! After 2 days!! Since that incident I have made her feel like a complete idiot on many other occasions and she has finally got the hint to back off.

worley · 07/05/2008 17:41

its my dad thats the worst. i havnt told him that im driving to b'ham on sunday (a four hour drive away)to go to our friends childrens birthday party and meeting dp there as he is away this week (havnt told dad that im alone home this week either)
im nearly 31 and have 2 ds's.

this all really annoys dp.

when i was 21 i moved home after living away from home for 3 years and was working in a nightclub (which my dad hated) and we all used to go hang out at one of the other barmans after work for an hour or so, anyhow, i used to have to ring home at 2am to tell my dad i was doing this even though i did it everyweek. anyway, i was late ringing one night so didnt bother in the end and got home about 3.30am to find my dd then pulling out of the drive way to go look for me. (as dp was dropping me off home he couldnt believe my dad was out looking for me and has never let it drop nearly 10 years later)

wannaBe · 07/05/2008 17:42

I feelyour pain.

The other night we were out when my mobile rang. I was busy so didn't answer it. a few minutes later DH's phone rang and it was my mum "where are you, we've been trying to ring your house for three hours!" .

On other occasions she has been known to drive around my neighbourhood looking for me if I've not answered my house or mobile phones (have frequently been known to go out and leave my mobile at home). And on one occasion she tried my house phone and when it went straight to answerphone (we had bt callminder) for more than 10 minutes she rang BT to see if there was a problem with my phone line! .

And if she's here or we're out and I get a call or a text she asks "who was that?" or if I mention that I'm going out she'll say "who with?" and if she doesn't know them (which she invariably doesn't) she'll say "who are they then?" it drives me insane! but she won't be told - she gets hugely defensive and she's never wrong.

bellavita · 07/05/2008 17:51

Dr Northerner - I am 43 this year and in my mothers eyes am still 12. I hate it.

For the last 13 years we have spoken on a Tuesday and a Saturday. Mum and Dad were at ours over the weekend. Yesterday, I had been into town and did not get back until after lunch. Had only been in a minute and the phone rang - it was her - had I forgotten it was Tuesday and that when she left on Sunday she forgot to say to me that she would speak to me on Tuesday wtf? We have done it the last 13 years fgs why would I forget?

She seems to live her life through me. She has not interests of her own - I really do feel sorry for my Dad, they should be having the time of their lives now - but no she does not have any hobbies whatsoever.

A member of the family rang me last week asking me to sign some papers for him and when here on the weekend she said oh you did not tell me you spoke to so and so. Do I have to tell her everything?

I am not allowed to have an opinion on anything as I am still her little girl. DH says I should tell her how I feel but I know it would kill her.

So DrNortherner - I really, really, feel for you.

bellavita · 07/05/2008 18:02

Like you, I sit there with the telephone in my hand - she talks and I just say yep, no and continue to look around mn.

EHM · 07/05/2008 18:02

sounds like my inlaws. they called one evening a few years back & left message on answering machine. DH & I where out for a meal that night & had a night planned the following evening. Next thing I know got a phone call at work from my Mum saying SIL had called as FIL/MIL where worried as we hadn't called them back. They where convinced we had met a terrible death in the house & nobody knew My Mum wasn't best pleased with them, neither was I.

bellavita · 07/05/2008 18:07

I remember last year on our holiday. I rang her on day 2 and she said why hadn't we rang when we got there she had been checking the news to see if any planes had crashed going to Florida.

She was also upset that I had omitted to tell her the name of the place we were staying at.

HereComeTheGirls · 07/05/2008 18:07

my mum is exactly like this..and I am 36....YANBU at all, it is very annoying!!

Twiglett · 07/05/2008 18:13

I can't remember the last time I spoke to my mother

this thread has made me look at my children (7 and 4) and wonder when this is going to happen to us .. me wanting to know what they're doing and how they're feeling and them wanting to get off the phone and get on with their lives

AbbeyA · 07/05/2008 22:05

I think there are quite a few people on here who will be like that in 20 or 30 years time!!!

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