to not tell MY mother my every move? I am 31, married and a mother myself.....

[DrNortherner]

We usually speak on the telephone every day, except Sunday's. Well, she speaks and I listen

Anyway, I had a very busy weekend and did not call her Friday night. Saturday went for tea woth some friends, got back at about 9.30pm. Phone was ringing. It was my mother sobbing hysterically because she was worried about me. I told her where I had been to which she replied 'BUT YOU DIDN'T TELL ME'

I was cross and dh was very pissed off.

I got cross with her, thenn she got more upset saying 'sorry for worrying about you then' blah blah blah.

She has always been like this and it's getting very annoying tbh.

Oh dear - My mum is like this and it's very frustrating.

I tihnk one thing you need to think about stopping, though, is YOu thinking 'oh, it's only 10 minutes, what's the harm'....

It's harmless in your eyes, but it sets a prescedent with your mum that she'll then use in future.

I'm learning, slowly, that I just need to be tough with my mum. Everytime she gets stressed, I just repeat the same thing over and over that i would call her if there was a problem.

It's difficult and I have to acknowledge that in part it's my fault for letting it go on so long, but I am beginning to think it is possible to change our relationship for the better.

My mum also has a 'need' to talk to me each day - I have acknowledged that and we've agreed that i'll text instead. This meets her 'need' to know I'm OK and my 'need' not to have to call her every day!!!

The only thing which I find a little disconcerting is that she's almost like the child now - waiting for my approval / decision, but it's much easier.

You are not being unreasonable, but I guess it's one of the things about being an only child.

Threads like this make me appreciate my own mother more.

Does she have a partner or a job, Dr N?

Yes she has my Dad. My Dad is very busym he works and is a local councillor so often out at meetings. For years my mother had nothing, she now volunteers in a cahrity shop 2 afternoons a week though.

I am smiling at some of the things others on here have mentioned. If I speak to a other family member and forget to tell her she will say 'you didn't tell me you'd spoken to aunty bess' then she'll say 'what did she say' and 'what did you say' etc etc

I went out early doors last night with the girls from work for a meal so didn't call her. Dh was home and she rang 5 times (he didn't pick up cause he knew it was her)she didn't leave a message or call my mobile, so tonight when I speak to her she will play the martyr - i called 5 times and you weren't there etc etc....

Do you think it is an only child thing though?

My ds is an only and I will SO NOT be like this.

No, I don't think it is an only child thing.

My DH's mum calls him all the time. She wants to know what we're doing, when we're doing it, what the kids are wearing, what they had for lunch.. . . . She knows better than to call me because I just tell her they're naked, riding unicycles up and down the street, having just had a lunch of roast frog and iced cloud for dessert.

It's a mother-who-doesn't-have-enough-to-do-in-her-own-life type thing.

Lol. When I do speak to her she often tells me very random and mundane things:

I bought 3 lamb chops from teh butchers today on special offer. I've put them in the freezer

What did you have for tea?

Did you watch the apprentice?

My mum is like this, but not as bad as the op describes. But I do speak to my mum every day though and I see her between 3-5 times a week.

why didn't your dh pick up and just tell her you were out? perhaps if he nswered the phone more often, lt her know you were okay but busy/out/asleep/eating dinner etc she might take the hint

Dr N!

My mum does the same thing!!!

Tells me what was on special in Asda / Morrisons / Tescos, and what they are having for dinner!!!!

Dropdeadfred's suggestion is a very good one - my mum is MUCH better when she has to deal with DH!!!

no I don't think it's an only child thing. i'm not an only child, but the difference between me and my sister is that my sister actually tells her everything/practically lives at her house and I think she kind of resents the fact I'm not the same.

Because she riles dh so much he ignores the phone for fear of getting cross with her!

She would statr questioning him as to my whereabouts and ehy he didn;t pick up teh first time she called.....

My mum isn't this bad but now we have mobile phones she does seem to fret if we don't answer or ring her back if we have a missed call from her. That's the problem with mobiles, people expect you to be on call all the time.

I speak to my Mum at least once a day, normally she rings in the morning to see if the dd's have slept (if we've had a bad night and shes free she'll then offer to have dd2 whilst dd12 at preschool so I can get a rest ) I often call them in the evenings sometimes to have a chat with my Dad (normally something house related as he is a builder so can say yes/no to any ideas I have) and catch up.

She doesnt seem over concerned if we are not in, think she normally assumes i'm in tescos (seem to be in there alot) but I normally mention what we are doing in the day so she has an idea of where we are

YANBU as it seems your Mum has taken it to another level but undestand it must be hard trying to restrain yourself when explaining to her

dd12 meant dd1

my mums like this drn
then she will ring my gran and say 'i cant get hold of fio'
then gran will ring me
then if this fails she rings my mil
who then rings me aswell
I have about 100 messages on my phone saying 'where are you, your mum is worried'
then she kleeps ringing my mobile (bad mistake giving her the number'

sometimes i want to scream

I AM JUST FUCKING BUSY

oh are you an only child?

I am now because my sister died. She has been much worse since my sister died

Your mum sounds lonely and bored DrN...What does she have going on day to day? How old?

She is 59. My Dad is out alot.

She volunteers in a shop 2 afternoons a week.

She has a strict routine and it never changes:

Mon - clean house and washing/ironing
Tues- chairity shop in afternoon
WEd - charity shop in afternoon
Thurs - supermarket day
Fri - 'paying out day' (don't ask!) and hairdressers
Sat - Bingo
Sun - day or rest at home with Dad

It sounds like she hasn't got anyone to talk to really if your dad is out a lot. Is he talkative when he is at home?
Hmmmm, she's the same age as my mum who has a social life I'm jealous of...Could she do a book club? dancing? more volunteering?

Dr N - I must say your mother's life sounds mind-bogglingly boring. My mother, who is 85, goes to a club for oldies called the Retirement Fellowship, and occasionally they go out in a coach to the coast. She sees my 3 brothers reasonably often, probably several times a month. She goes to church and shopping under her own steam (walking and on the bus), she reads The Oldie mag ...

Eureka! That's the answer for your mum. Get her a subscription to the Oldie and it might give her a few ideas of what to do with herself.

I only see my mother about twice a year but we keep in touch. She tells me off if I write too soon after she has written, because it puts her under pressure to write again.

59 !! That's no age...I thought we were talking about a doddery old dear at least a decade or two older.

It's not so much age, as the stage of your life.

No you are not being unreasonable.
You are grown up and have your own family, you don't need to tell your Mother everything. I only speak to my parents about once a month and they are fine with this.

I've just seen that your Mother is 59. she should be out doing things and enjoying herself.
I am 51 and have 3 DDs ages 21,18 and 16. I also stil work. DD1 lives away from home and I don't speak to her everyday or want to know what she is doing all the time.