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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be fuming at my ex’s new girlfriend trying to coparent with me

65 replies

Veryvraiment · 29/01/2025 20:02

Bit of a backstory, I have 2 children DS (8) and DD (6). Have been separated for 4 years from their dad and have been with my partner for 2 and a half years.

my children’s father has been flakey, sporadic and unpleasant the entire time and has a line of girlfriends (not my business) he introduced one to my children and they were together for about a year (ended with her reporting him to SS after a fight and the police having to remove them from eachother)

he had a stint of about 5 months of not seeing the kids at all when child support finally started catching up (after £2,000 arrears) and he claimed he had a mental breakdown and messaged me apologising and asking to see the children. I agreed but put boundaries in place. He has a new partner who he says that has been supporting him and they had been together for around 6 months so I told him he could start having the children overnight once a fortnight, but for all communication I basically put him in a groupchat with my partner, his partner and his mum because he has a history of being verbally abusive and just straight up lying all the time about arrangements and interactions.

somce then it has been fine, he’s already moved his new girlfriend in and she seems like a nice enough person. Obviously the kids have had to meet her (not ideal) but recently when making plans, he will not communicate at all. She will only send any kind of messages or arrangements and it is super passive aggressive and sickly sweet. The idea was that we communicated but it was a public ish platform so it couldn’t get nasty but it is enraging me to my core. And I found out that they’ve been together for 3 months, and she basically moved in instantly and sending me messages about looking after my children etc. I don’t know how to rectify this without looking like I’m being petty as he’s such a manipulative person any time I say anything at all he manipulates it.

OP posts:
MissUltraViolet · 29/01/2025 20:06

Ohhh lord, what on earth made you think it was a good idea to have you, your partner, your ex and his new partner of a few months in a group chat!?

Talk to your ex, tell him the group chat was a stupid idea and is no longer working, shut it down. Communicate with him directly regarding the children from now on.

Original poster
Veryvraiment · 29/01/2025 20:08

@MissUltraViolet i suggested it as previously he has a history of being extremely verbally abusive and lying about dates agreed when having the children. I think I did it as a bit of self preservation honestly

OP posts:
Starlight7080 · 29/01/2025 20:11

I wouldn't let my children stay overnight with a stranger who has been involved with my ex for only 3 months .
Day visit ok but not overnight .
The fact they have lied already speaks volumes

CruCru · 29/01/2025 20:12

I can see why this annoys you. I think it’s time for grey rock - keep all messages completely factual.

”The children will be ready for collection at 6pm (say). Jack has some English homework which needs to be handed in on Monday.” Then it won’t matter what her messaging style is.

MissUltraViolet · 29/01/2025 20:13

Veryvraiment · 29/01/2025 20:08

@MissUltraViolet i suggested it as previously he has a history of being extremely verbally abusive and lying about dates agreed when having the children. I think I did it as a bit of self preservation honestly

It was worth a try (maybe lol.)

So how about you keep all communication via email? That way you will always have a record of what has been said/agreed and nobody can play silly buggers by deleting sent messages or denying things etc?

I would absolutely get rid of the group chat though, it's so open to drama and confusion and stuff like what is happening now - you ending up communicating with a random girlfriend instead of their father.

ExtraOnions · 29/01/2025 20:16

What the issue with her messaging ? She’s not being rude, or abusive, is just sticking to the facts..

Theunamedcat · 29/01/2025 20:16

Don't react to her can you @ people on WhatsApp?

The child arrangements are nothing to do with her they are just in as witnesses because he is abusive

MrsTerryPratchett · 29/01/2025 20:17

ExtraOnions · 29/01/2025 20:16

What the issue with her messaging ? She’s not being rude, or abusive, is just sticking to the facts..

She's arranging contact after three months of dating? While dad doesn't bother. That seems like an issue to me.

Theunamedcat · 29/01/2025 20:19

ExtraOnions · 29/01/2025 20:16

What the issue with her messaging ? She’s not being rude, or abusive, is just sticking to the facts..

I think I would find it irritating that the girlfriend of three months is making arrangements and the father (of their entire existence) refuses to communicate full stop because it sounds like he is opting out again why did he say he wanted to start seeing the kids again if he was just going to opt out again

Pointless

StrawberryWater · 29/01/2025 20:23

Veryvraiment · 29/01/2025 20:08

@MissUltraViolet i suggested it as previously he has a history of being extremely verbally abusive and lying about dates agreed when having the children. I think I did it as a bit of self preservation honestly

There are dedicated apps that separated parents can use for messaging. Have a look into them and going forward it might be a better solution that having some rando woman butting in and him being abusive.

5 Top Parenting and Co-Parenting Apps for Separating Couples | Mediate UK - UK's No 1 Family Mediation Service

5 Top Parenting and Co-Parenting Apps for Separating Couples

5 Top Parenting and Co-Parenting Apps for Separating Couples

https://www.mediateuk.co.uk/5-top-parenting-and-co-parenting-apps-for-separating-couples/

Talulahalula · 29/01/2025 20:23

Just say that you cannot discuss with the new GF as she has no parental responsibility and therefore when your ex wishes contact he should get in touch by text. Contact is for the DC to see their father, not his girlfriend of a few months, and the girlfriend should not be responsible for the children for a whole host of reasons. She cannot authorise any medical care if it is needed for a start.
If he is verbally abusive when he messages, then do not reply or engage and let him take you to court for his contact.

Original poster
Veryvraiment · 29/01/2025 20:25

ExtraOnions · 29/01/2025 20:16

What the issue with her messaging ? She’s not being rude, or abusive, is just sticking to the facts..

It’s just another abuse tactic from my ex. I thought it would be a good idea as he will be nice as pie to my face if someone else is there to witness but if it’s just us he will literally hiss and snarl. I don’t even do drop offs myself. I have no concerns over him being abusive to the kids but he despises me because he blames me for his downfall. Every message that I receive from her is so condescending

OP posts:
Rainbowqueeen · 29/01/2025 20:26

Use a parenting app for all communication. That will give you all the comfort you need - messages can't be deleted.

He's clearly a shitty person as well as a shitty parent. And that will never change, girlfriend or no girlfriend. The best way to manage that is to only communicate about the DC and make the DC available for the agreed contact schedule. If he doesnt turn up or tries to change it, just dont agree. Distract the kids. Focus on helping them deal with the fact that their father is a waste of space.

Original poster
Veryvraiment · 29/01/2025 20:28

I realise it was a bad idea, I just didn’t know what else to do at the time. I’m try to keep communication to an absolute minimum because everything outside of facts just gets twisted. They’ve also already accused me of being unfair and abusive as they wanted to swap a couple of weekends for mid way through the year as they’d just booked to go on holiday together and I said no we have a schedule.

OP posts:
SleeplessInWherever · 29/01/2025 20:29

I wouldn’t message my partner’s ex unless there was some sort of legitimate emergency, or his phone was somehow destroyed.

We've got each other’s numbers, she used mine for updates when we were on holiday as we only paid for one data plan, but other than that - wouldn’t dream of it.

Ignore her and message him directly, because that’s weird behaviour.

Mumbodadhd · 29/01/2025 20:31

Sympathies OP, my ex IMMEDIATELY handed over his responsibilities to his new gf, she moved in after only meeting him a handful of times!? Luckily she's a sweet person so DD isnt at risk imo, and all I can think is this new woman is A COMPLETE FUCKING MUG to be running around after some dude's kid from a previous relationship 🤨 (clearly why he picked her).

Schoolchoicesucks · 29/01/2025 20:32

Can you ignore the condescension, responding factually and as though you expect the messages to be coming from your ex (as if he was using the gf's phone)?

If you think she seems an OK person and you think he's treating the kids OK then don't rock the boat is my suggestion I guess. Imagine he's not your abusive ex any more. She's not some annoying new gf. They are a spliced person and you just need to tell them what they need to know for arrangements for the kids.

Billyblue47 · 29/01/2025 20:34

I think you need a parenting app like appclose or my family wizard.

Seas164 · 29/01/2025 20:34

Asking your abusive ex's new partner and mother to be in a group chat to keep things civil was an idea, but probably not the best one.

Another vote for a court approved parenting app, I'd forget trying to keep things amicable and build a relationship with her, as if the past is anything to go by she will have a short shelf life and you'll be back to square one.

Get an app set up and then add him as a co parent, and then all change requests and messaging can be done there and you can block him elsewhere.

OneShoeShort · 29/01/2025 20:34

I think your focus on the gf is misplaced, and you’re not in a great position to objectively read her tone through texts. It is very easy to read condescension when a person you know is actually just tip-toeing, trying to be super sweet and unobjectionable if you’re primed for a negative interpretation.

Stop with the group chat - bringing your partner and grandparents into it then calling foul when he lets his partner in is not going to work. I agree with others that I would use a parenting app designed for this scenario and tell him you’ll only respond to communication via that platform. That way you have a record of everything said.

Original poster
Veryvraiment · 29/01/2025 20:34

@Mumbodadhd oh god, tell me it gets better 😂

OP posts:
DrinkFeckArseBrick · 29/01/2025 20:36

It's not ideal but I don't think you can stop him moving his gf in, meeting the kids etc. You can change the messaging platform if you want, but it sounds like it has achieved what you wanted to achieve as he is no longer being abusive to you over messages. Patronising gf sounds annoying but I think I'd rather deal with her than an a nasty abusive aggressive ex. So I think I'd put up with it. And if he is a shit dad, happy to go without seeing his kids for a while etc then maybe it's a good thing that the children have someone else there

crashbandicooty · 29/01/2025 20:39

You kind of asked for this dynamic by making a WhatsApp group and adding her to it.

Original poster
Veryvraiment · 29/01/2025 20:41

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 29/01/2025 20:36

It's not ideal but I don't think you can stop him moving his gf in, meeting the kids etc. You can change the messaging platform if you want, but it sounds like it has achieved what you wanted to achieve as he is no longer being abusive to you over messages. Patronising gf sounds annoying but I think I'd rather deal with her than an a nasty abusive aggressive ex. So I think I'd put up with it. And if he is a shit dad, happy to go without seeing his kids for a while etc then maybe it's a good thing that the children have someone else there

Yeah, you’re probably right.

OP posts:
Ppzd · 29/01/2025 20:46

Personally, the group chat and even her trying to make the coparenting arrangements aren't the problem. The problem is having that person in your kids' life while she's been with their dad for 3mo! That is madness! If the kids don't have to stay overnight by court order, why let them? How can you trust such a person?