To be fuming at my ex’s new girlfriend trying to coparent with me

[Veryvraiment]

Bit of a backstory, I have 2 children DS (8) and DD (6). Have been separated for 4 years from their dad and have been with my partner for 2 and a half years.

my children’s father has been flakey, sporadic and unpleasant the entire time and has a line of girlfriends (not my business) he introduced one to my children and they were together for about a year (ended with her reporting him to SS after a fight and the police having to remove them from eachother)

he had a stint of about 5 months of not seeing the kids at all when child support finally started catching up (after £2,000 arrears) and he claimed he had a mental breakdown and messaged me apologising and asking to see the children. I agreed but put boundaries in place. He has a new partner who he says that has been supporting him and they had been together for around 6 months so I told him he could start having the children overnight once a fortnight, but for all communication I basically put him in a groupchat with my partner, his partner and his mum because he has a history of being verbally abusive and just straight up lying all the time about arrangements and interactions.

somce then it has been fine, he’s already moved his new girlfriend in and she seems like a nice enough person. Obviously the kids have had to meet her (not ideal) but recently when making plans, he will not communicate at all. She will only send any kind of messages or arrangements and it is super passive aggressive and sickly sweet. The idea was that we communicated but it was a public ish platform so it couldn’t get nasty but it is enraging me to my core. And I found out that they’ve been together for 3 months, and she basically moved in instantly and sending me messages about looking after my children etc. I don’t know how to rectify this without looking like I’m being petty as he’s such a manipulative person any time I say anything at all he manipulates it.

Honestly I feel sorry for his girlfriend.

Sounds like she probably has good although misguided intentions and is trying to help him out, when really she is taking on way too much here and he should be the one stepping up to arrange to see his kids.

Funny how he wants the kids now she's around to look after them. I bet he told her he wasn't seeing kids because of you and how you behave or similar. And she has then got her running around sorting everything out for him so he can look like a caring father

Basically, yes this is annoying but I think he's the one at fault not her. I think he's probably manipulated her.

@Veryvraiment i feel your pain. My ex is similar. All
charm in public but vile in private and prone to changing arrangements whenever it suits him. I also attempted to only communicate ina. WhatsApp with his gf as he has a habit of ignoring messages.

he also has an incredibly annoying gf.

I tried to engage with her at the start as she seemed nice, but it hasn’t worked. She’s also rude and patronising ( yet accuses me of this.)

I completely understand why you thought this was a good idea, but it isn’t.

the problem is your ex will have told her a load of nonsense. She will think you are the problem (psycho ex), so she will speak to you in that manner. This then winds you up, you reply in similar vein and before you know it, you and the gf are at loggerheads.

best to grey rock him. Keep arrangements to the point.

I'd feel the same op but match her energy and kill her with kindness. Keep all messages short and polite and only containing what they need to. Don't let ex see it's bugging you. Don't change the schedule for any reason. If he wants to miss a visit that's his choice.

I think this will just aggravate the situation and won't actually result in the ex communicating like an adult.

Essentially the new girlfriend is participating in a chat which she has been invited to and filling in the gap that the useless ex has left.

I 100% understand how annoying it would be to be getting those type of messages but if you can detach yourself from that it might actually be easier to continue as you are - assuming that it is actually working aside from annoying you!!

Look you can stew over this as much as you want BUT it’s only affecting you

Just stop letting it burn your energy

she’s probably going to treat your kids well and likely unaware of what an ass your ex is

tbf you had two kids with him so you can’t start trying to be all smart now - one child yes but not two

Said who? Op hasn’t provided that level of detail. And being passive aggressive is rude.

I completely understand why you wanted your partner for protection but in theory he now can ask his ridiculously new gf to do the same , why don't you just include her in the group chat? He's allowed to use her as a PA if he wants to, and at least it's further protection for you from abuse

Ps I wouldn't fume at her she's just being a pick me girl, she might come in useful, just same your fumes for him

It's not a laughing matter that you wouldn't dare ask the father of your kids for a favour.

@2025willbemytime just for context this is a man who when my daughter was in hospital last year for a week he came up every day just so that he could intimidate me and berate me as I couldn’t leave. Did not even enquire about our son that we have together and accused me of trying to have my daughter discharged early for my own gain when I kept asking how long that we’d be in as I had to make alternate arrangements for our son. I would never ask a favour and if I did do him a favour it back fires almost instantly

It doesn't 🤣 now DD is a teen and when she's being arsey with me, she's straight onto mrs doormat for attention, and MrsDM seems happy to give it, endlessly. I have heard her, trying to get off the pphone without being strong enough to say so for hours! It must be exhausting though, suckling both of them. I managed 5yrs trying to parent while dragging him along so I'm just eating popcorn, wondering how long til we get to her breaking point! I hope she can then find a partner who deserves her attention and gives back sometimes -_-

So why laugh?

@2025willbemytime because it’s my normal and if I got angry every time I discussed or thought about it I’d have the constant hump.

OP he's awful and deserves hell, she's annoying. However, your DC have a sense of connection to him that cannot be broken. While you can absolutely agree with them if and when they point out his poor behaviour, remember if you knock who he is in front of them, even subtly, you attack the part of them that connects with him.
I read this message (words to this effect) on here when my two were younger. It helped me to be more robotic towards my ex, I mean just factual, nothing less and nothing more.
Be a robot to her messages, reply checking what they mean, reply briefly and with a "thanks for your update".

@Enough4me oh I have mastered being firm yet polite and wouldn’t dream about saying a bad word about their dad. It’s just so frustrating working full time, studying full time, looking after our children full time bar 4ish days a month and having people being condescending or rude and acting like they’re coparenting