To be fuming at my ex’s new girlfriend trying to coparent with me

[Veryvraiment]

Bit of a backstory, I have 2 children DS (8) and DD (6). Have been separated for 4 years from their dad and have been with my partner for 2 and a half years.

my children’s father has been flakey, sporadic and unpleasant the entire time and has a line of girlfriends (not my business) he introduced one to my children and they were together for about a year (ended with her reporting him to SS after a fight and the police having to remove them from eachother)

he had a stint of about 5 months of not seeing the kids at all when child support finally started catching up (after £2,000 arrears) and he claimed he had a mental breakdown and messaged me apologising and asking to see the children. I agreed but put boundaries in place. He has a new partner who he says that has been supporting him and they had been together for around 6 months so I told him he could start having the children overnight once a fortnight, but for all communication I basically put him in a groupchat with my partner, his partner and his mum because he has a history of being verbally abusive and just straight up lying all the time about arrangements and interactions.

somce then it has been fine, he’s already moved his new girlfriend in and she seems like a nice enough person. Obviously the kids have had to meet her (not ideal) but recently when making plans, he will not communicate at all. She will only send any kind of messages or arrangements and it is super passive aggressive and sickly sweet. The idea was that we communicated but it was a public ish platform so it couldn’t get nasty but it is enraging me to my core. And I found out that they’ve been together for 3 months, and she basically moved in instantly and sending me messages about looking after my children etc. I don’t know how to rectify this without looking like I’m being petty as he’s such a manipulative person any time I say anything at all he manipulates it.

Tbh I'd just be REALLY nice back. Blush smiley face emojis and stuff. I have a genuinely narcissistic/abusive ex (no longer in my life), and trying to arrange childcare with her was absolutely horrendous. So I understand what you're going through. There's always a chance his new GF is genuinely trying to be a good person, and doesn't want to get on bad terms with you. But if you know 100% that it's not that, and she's genuinely baiting you, just stick to the facts, put the kids first, and try to ignore any nonsense. It's not worth your time.

I actually think it was smart to have witnesses in the chat. She probably hates it as much as you do tbh. Just keep being sickly sweet and unbothered.

You muddied the waters by adding her into a chat about arrangements for the kids. She might assume you've invited her to be involved and have a say. That WhatsApp group needs to go.

I agree. Everyone can see every bit of communication

If you want to swap weekends in the future you can't moan if they say no to you. It would have been sensible to agree to the change.

As others have said, you basically invited this by starting a group chat and including his very new partner! He sounds like a totally incompetent father though so if she’s nice enough and a protective factor for your kids then her involvement maybe isn’t the worst thing.

what about one of those proper parenting apps? It would be acceptable in court and keep pass ag comments to a minimum? Who cares who’s driving it?

A bit late but I would not have added her in the first place. Some men like being mothered and some women like doing it maybe she is one. I’m not sure how you would backtrack now. But if this relationship breaks down and he goes no contact do not go back on it. Unless you change the routine so no overnights but really I think you need a reason.

This.

Most Family Courts suggest using a proper co-parenting app as they usually have calendars and any messages can't be altered or deleted if taken to Court.

you don't have the choice. That's the problem with separation, when it's the other parent's turn, you have no say on who is in the house.

I think you just thumbs up everything/respond in kind. Or if you really want to play silly beggars get your partner to reply

Kill with kindness and only reply when needed and with what you think is necessary. Is there a lot of messages? Maybe mute the group so you control when you see messages.
sounds like a way to try and get a reaction from you

Isn't there a special app/platform for that?

Just googled - my parenting wizard is one.
I've seen people mention it when communications are likely to be combative.
I think it keeps a record and keeps it off of your other contacts so tlu don't have to have them on social media etc, and can be used in custody disputes etc.

I wouldn’t not swap weekends. Historically my ex has a history of wanting to change weekends (he only has them once a fortnight) and if I say No then bombarding me with horrible messages. He will never help me out in any way, doctors, dentists, school activities and on the rare time that I have requested a change it has been shot down immediately (this was years ago) keeping a plan and not changing it is one of the boundaries I have put in place for my mental health

Is his girlfriend irritating or is it irritating that your ex won’t take any responsibility?

Mostly the fact that I know that this is a tactic he is using to get under my skin. Because I’ve put the boundary in place that I do not want to communicate privately, he is refusing to contact. She is also irritating 😂

Maybe with Little Miss Desperado now on hand to mother him, he may start being more useful.

What a pathetic being your poor children have for a father ☹️.

You said here you wouldn't swap and then changed when I said about it. Which is it?

I would just be polite but dismissive everytime she messages you.

'Thanks for that Jill but I was talking to Jack, Jack, can you confirm friday please'

Jill-'Oh he said yes thats fine'

'Thanks Jill but I would apreciate it if you left this to us, please tell Jack to respond or we will have to make other plans for that weekend.'

Jill - 'Oh he left it up to me so Its fine'

'Hi Jill, i appreciate that but I am co-parenting with Jack and the children are scheduled to see him so I hope you understand that I can't make arrangements through you.'

etc etc polite but firm.

But yes i think moving to a proper app might be best.

No I wouldn’t swap?

Then you said here you wouldn't not swap. Which means you would swap.

Oh it’s just a typing error, sorry I categorically will not swap. I have told them that I’ll just have the kids but they’ll have to wait until 2 weeks after to have them again but I’m not adjusting any schedule as I’ve tried multiple times and it’s backfired every single time

Fair enough but they won't then swap for you. If you're fine with that then carry on.

He’s never done me a favour in my life and I wouldn’t dare ask 😂

I would be winding ex up by being nice to gf, even if it’s just along the lines of ‘Thanks GF for the prompt response’ or start just addressing your messages to her & ignoring ex eg ‘Hi GF, kids will be ready at 6pm’. Even more likely to wind him up is you get your partner to address arrangements with his gf.

I’m not saying you aren’t right to be annoyed, but there’s nothing you can do about it.