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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is this a red flag?

62 replies

Togethergetit · 29/01/2025 15:05

I’ve been dating a man for a few months now. He has a child he doesn’t appear to much. I obviously don’t know all his movements from when we started dating (and even now) but from what I’ve been aware of since December he has only seen his child once despite living less than an hour away, but does have a weekly FaceTime call. From a recent conversation we had, he seems to prioritise working hard for his child’s future, but I’m starting to feel uneasy about how hands-off he is. Parenting doesn’t seem to be a significant part of his day-to-day life, and I’m concerned he’s disproportionately focused on financial providing than being present. He can’t possibly be that busy making money as we spend every weekend together and he happily works around me. When asked he said he doesn’t see his child as much as he would ‘like to’ so there may be issues with access due to his relationship with his child’s mother, but he hasn’t elaborated any further, so I’m left assuming that his minimal involvement is ultimately by choice, though I guess there is a possibility it’s not.

If we were to have children in the future, I would want a partner who is hands-on and sees his role as a parent as beyond just financial support. I’m not sure if I can overlook this. Should I be worried, or am I overthinking it?

OP posts:
Comedycook · 29/01/2025 15:09

It's great that you've had a sneak peek as to what a long term future with him and even a subsequent break up would look like...

If you want to settle down and have children then I'd give this one a swerve

NighShwan · 29/01/2025 15:13

Doesn't see his child as much as he'd 'like to'? What a crock of shit excuse. I doubt it's an access thing becuase at the very least he'd be passionately expressing how he's fighting to gain more access. His blaze attitude suggests, as you have deduced, he's content with the hands-off approach rather than actually trying to parent his child.

Fraaances · 29/01/2025 15:15

Yep. Get out. The working for his kid’s future thing is all smoke and mirrors. He’s working for his ego and using his kid to virtue-signal.

Waterboatlass · 29/01/2025 15:15

I assume we're talking about a child under 18? If so I think he should be focussing on confirming better visitation rather than dating so yes I would read this as a red flag. I wouldn't want to get involved as I would want all of this resolved beforehand.

Could be worth a polite but direct query but I wouldn't entertain this if I'm honest.

For full disclosure I wouldn't personally be looking for a bloke with kids anyway but if I was, yes, this would put me off.

Waterboatlass · 29/01/2025 15:16

Fraaances · 29/01/2025 15:15

Yep. Get out. The working for his kid’s future thing is all smoke and mirrors. He’s working for his ego and using his kid to virtue-signal.

Agreed. It sounds like an acceptable cover story for dating

Snowmanscarf · 29/01/2025 15:18

Once since Christmas is not good, unless there’s a back story.

Original poster
Togethergetit · 29/01/2025 15:20

Snowmanscarf · 29/01/2025 15:18

Once since Christmas is not good, unless there’s a back story.

It wasn't even for Christmas. Early December

OP posts:
Wowser01 · 29/01/2025 15:24

Did he mention his child over Christmas at all? Eg did he give him presents?

doesn’t sound good does it?

Original poster
Togethergetit · 29/01/2025 15:25

It's all a bit strange because he speaks so lovingly about his child and fatherhood. And his child seems to adore him. But weekend after weekend he's making plans with me that sometimes extend all weekend. I appreciate I don't know everything he gets up to but at the frequency we speak I am pretty confident he hasn't had physical contact with his child since early December. And the conversation about working hard for his child's future just left me so confused. He has the time (I'm receiving a big chunk of it) and he can simply make the time to be active and present if that is what he wants whilst balancing other aspects of his life .. I can only assume it's not a priority for him.

OP posts:
luckylavender · 29/01/2025 15:28

Togethergetit · 29/01/2025 15:05

I’ve been dating a man for a few months now. He has a child he doesn’t appear to much. I obviously don’t know all his movements from when we started dating (and even now) but from what I’ve been aware of since December he has only seen his child once despite living less than an hour away, but does have a weekly FaceTime call. From a recent conversation we had, he seems to prioritise working hard for his child’s future, but I’m starting to feel uneasy about how hands-off he is. Parenting doesn’t seem to be a significant part of his day-to-day life, and I’m concerned he’s disproportionately focused on financial providing than being present. He can’t possibly be that busy making money as we spend every weekend together and he happily works around me. When asked he said he doesn’t see his child as much as he would ‘like to’ so there may be issues with access due to his relationship with his child’s mother, but he hasn’t elaborated any further, so I’m left assuming that his minimal involvement is ultimately by choice, though I guess there is a possibility it’s not.

If we were to have children in the future, I would want a partner who is hands-on and sees his role as a parent as beyond just financial support. I’m not sure if I can overlook this. Should I be worried, or am I overthinking it?

If we were to have children in the future,

Woah - it's only been a few months. And he's revealed himself. Run.

Original poster
Togethergetit · 29/01/2025 15:28

Wowser01 · 29/01/2025 15:24

Did he mention his child over Christmas at all? Eg did he give him presents?

doesn’t sound good does it?

He mentioned it was his child's mother's year to have contact and it was his last year. He did mention presents in passing so he could possibly have seen his child when dropping off. So there is a chance that he has contact and I'm not aware of. It's not that I expect him to tell me everything and anything he's up to but it just appears he doesn't see his child much at all, there isn't any obvious routine and all his weekends so far have been spent with me.

OP posts:
hummingbird12 · 29/01/2025 15:29

It's a major red flag.
Especially if you want a family in the future. He should make every effort to see his child, especially on weekends.

My Dh has a friend who drives 90 minute round trip 3 times during the week just so he can bath his two children and read them a bedtime story.
He then sees them on weekends.

Not acceptable at all OP no matter what excuses he makes.

Winterskyfall · 29/01/2025 15:29

Huge red flag. I would never be with someone who saw me and didn't bother to see his own child.

yeesh · 29/01/2025 15:30

He is clearly full of shit, if he wanted to see his child he would make it happen rather than spending all his weekends with someone he’s just met. You would be a fool not to dump him tbh

Comedycook · 29/01/2025 15:31

He mentioned it was his child's mother's year to have contact and it was his last year

This sounds incredibly unlikely....if it's true, how lucky you are to be dating him on his year off!

Catza · 29/01/2025 15:31

My ex doesn't see his child (not my child) as much as he'd like to... He picks her up from school twice during the week, has her over every other weekend and all of school holidays. He would love to see her every day which is where "not as much as I'd like to" comes in. There are many things I can complain about with my ex but his parenting attitude isn't one of them. I'd give this bloke a miss.

Original poster
Togethergetit · 29/01/2025 15:32

Comedycook · 29/01/2025 15:31

He mentioned it was his child's mother's year to have contact and it was his last year

This sounds incredibly unlikely....if it's true, how lucky you are to be dating him on his year off!

Interesting .. I accepted this as fact. Why to you does this seem unlikely?

OP posts:
Catza · 29/01/2025 15:33

Comedycook · 29/01/2025 15:31

He mentioned it was his child's mother's year to have contact and it was his last year

This sounds incredibly unlikely....if it's true, how lucky you are to be dating him on his year off!

I think she means mother's turn to have Christmas this year not the whole year off

Comedycook · 29/01/2025 15:35

Catza · 29/01/2025 15:33

I think she means mother's turn to have Christmas this year not the whole year off

Show quote history

Oh I see I missed that...thanks

Dontlletmedownbruce · 29/01/2025 15:35

Yes it's a red flag but I think you need more information before you write him off. I think as PP say he would be constantly talking about it if he was fighting for more custody but maybe there is another version of the story. He could be devastated about the situation but friends advised him not to talk about it in a new relationship so he is concealing that side of him from you. You need to ask him upfront and then make a call on it IMO.

Comedycook · 29/01/2025 15:36

Togethergetit · 29/01/2025 15:32

Interesting .. I accepted this as fact. Why to you does this seem unlikely?

Show quote history

Sorry op...I thought you meant an entire year each...rather than just Christmas. Just Christmas is definitely more plausible obviously

Greyish2025 · 29/01/2025 15:38

Togethergetit · 29/01/2025 15:28

He mentioned it was his child's mother's year to have contact and it was his last year. He did mention presents in passing so he could possibly have seen his child when dropping off. So there is a chance that he has contact and I'm not aware of. It's not that I expect him to tell me everything and anything he's up to but it just appears he doesn't see his child much at all, there isn't any obvious routine and all his weekends so far have been spent with me.

Show quote history

So you are really not sure if he see the child or not,

WilderHorses · 29/01/2025 15:44

He sounds like he's enjoying his single, no stress life. Easy to love fatherhood when you don't have the hard slog of looking after them every day. I love my kids and always put them first, but they can be hard work at times. I'm sure his child "adores" him on the rare occasion they see him! Probably acts like a doting grandparent. I would definitely throw this one back if you are hoping for your own kids one day. If he was that interested he'd be fighting for custody. Tells you everything.

Original poster
Togethergetit · 29/01/2025 15:44

I think I do need to have a proper conversation with him as everything I've concluded is based on what I've pieced together over various conversations.

He did allude to the fact that it's difficult to see his child during the week because of school ... and then every weekend is spent with me so ...

OP posts:
Everydayflowers · 29/01/2025 15:44

Definitely not someone to have children with. I'd be curious though. Have you asked him directly when he last saw his child, if he has regular contact times and what they are, and if not what is stopping him?