Is this a red flag?

[Togethergetit]

I’ve been dating a man for a few months now. He has a child he doesn’t appear to much. I obviously don’t know all his movements from when we started dating (and even now) but from what I’ve been aware of since December he has only seen his child once despite living less than an hour away, but does have a weekly FaceTime call. From a recent conversation we had, he seems to prioritise working hard for his child’s future, but I’m starting to feel uneasy about how hands-off he is. Parenting doesn’t seem to be a significant part of his day-to-day life, and I’m concerned he’s disproportionately focused on financial providing than being present. He can’t possibly be that busy making money as we spend every weekend together and he happily works around me. When asked he said he doesn’t see his child as much as he would ‘like to’ so there may be issues with access due to his relationship with his child’s mother, but he hasn’t elaborated any further, so I’m left assuming that his minimal involvement is ultimately by choice, though I guess there is a possibility it’s not.

If we were to have children in the future, I would want a partner who is hands-on and sees his role as a parent as beyond just financial support. I’m not sure if I can overlook this. Should I be worried, or am I overthinking it?

No, but I will

I'm not sure why I've avoided the conversation. Something feels intrusive but I feel I need to know and understand before moving forward with him

What a load of rubbish. My partner had his kids every other weekend and he was an hour away from them.

Also why doesn't he have them in the holidays?

Well if you're not sure of his contact arrangements for sure then there is a chance he just keeps it separate from such a relationship and for whatever reason sees the child several evenings a week rather than at weekends. It doesn't sound likely, mind you, but I think have the conversation then decide what to do. No point working with incomplete information.

He’s told you how much he wants to see his child, not a lot. Next he’ll be saying ex doesn’t let him, blah blah blah! Run as fast as you can if you have any sense

When we met mentioned he sees his child every other weekend and half of holidays. So the next holiday coming up will be the Feb half term.

This.

My ex will tell anyone he is father of the year and wants as much time as possible but actually when offered a extra week he finds any excuse and always did.Thank god he didn’t have any more with anyone else.

we spend every weekend together

And you have only been dating a few months? How does this feel?

Sounds a bit love-bomby? But doesnt have the same drive for his own child?

Why did the relationship with the mother of his child end? Whats his relationship history?

He may only have supervised access? Have you done a Clares Law?

He should be seeing his kid before you. I don’t know why he is seeing you every weekend when he could be using that time with his child.

So thats a lie from your observations?

So why is he not seeing them every weekend then? Sounds like he lied when you met.

We have been dating a few months but it's really only the last 6 weeks that we've been consistently spending time together so I don't think I've been love bombed. Ive been love bombed before, i don't recognise it in him, it's not his style, he's not that charming.

He broke up with his child's mother not long after the child was born. I do not know the details

I think I may do a Claire's law .. something doesn't feel right. The police won't notify him, will they?

I can guarantee you that he’s not financially supporting that child to the extent he’s leading you to believe.

Throw this one back. Just look at how he’s treating the most vulnerable person in his life.

I am finding this thread quite reassuring. Too often, women get with men who make no effort with their DC and it doesn't seem to even register with them as an issue OR they get fed a pack of lies they just believe.

OP, I think you are 100% right to think something is not right here. He's clearly not prioritising his son if he's spending all his time with you. Speaking lovingly about a child is easy to do and means nothing. I would not even date such a man, never mind consider a longer term relationship with him.

something doesn't feel right.

but I’m starting to feel uneasy about

and I’m concerned

just left me so confused.

Something feels intrusive

something doesn't feel right.

This is what you havesaid on your posts. This is your gut shouting at you. This is your internalsmoke alarm....telling you something is off. You dont need to run back into the house to find out where the fire is - this is your call to leave,

If you ask him....I suspect he will gas-light or lie to you.

Yes but what happened to half of the Christmas holidays, then?

He either lied to me. Or half the holidays for the means taking it in turns rather than splitting in half

It's pretty unusual to "take it in turns" vs agreeing to split each holiday. I mean sure, it could happen, but I've certainly never seen it happen (with th epossible exception of short half term holidays where one parent might have the kids for that week and then the next short half term the other parent does).

It's also a bit odd not to at least reference the child around christmas, even if not seeing him ito presents or just general comments?

It's definitely odd.

He sounds like a crappy father. If you want kids, this is not the one.

Okay thanks for explaining. I don't have children so not sure what the norm is regarding school breaks.

He did mention his child/presents around Christmas but it was only in passing and it was in a way that indicated to me he doesn't really make a huge effort for Christmas

There are only two explanations here:

1. He cant be arsed to be involved in his childs life.
2. He is not allowed to be in his childs life.

Both mean he's a wrong'un.

Are you younger than him?

Although I don't have all the information this is the conclusion I have come to.

Yes, I'm younger. I'm late 20s, he's early 30s

Who did he spend Christmas with then? You?

I think you need to have a grown up conversation with him and ask him about it as you're making your own conclusions from little information.

Have the conversation before making any decisions.