Is this a red flag?

[Togethergetit]

I’ve been dating a man for a few months now. He has a child he doesn’t appear to much. I obviously don’t know all his movements from when we started dating (and even now) but from what I’ve been aware of since December he has only seen his child once despite living less than an hour away, but does have a weekly FaceTime call. From a recent conversation we had, he seems to prioritise working hard for his child’s future, but I’m starting to feel uneasy about how hands-off he is. Parenting doesn’t seem to be a significant part of his day-to-day life, and I’m concerned he’s disproportionately focused on financial providing than being present. He can’t possibly be that busy making money as we spend every weekend together and he happily works around me. When asked he said he doesn’t see his child as much as he would ‘like to’ so there may be issues with access due to his relationship with his child’s mother, but he hasn’t elaborated any further, so I’m left assuming that his minimal involvement is ultimately by choice, though I guess there is a possibility it’s not.

If we were to have children in the future, I would want a partner who is hands-on and sees his role as a parent as beyond just financial support. I’m not sure if I can overlook this. Should I be worried, or am I overthinking it?

So he said he has his child EOW but obviously doesn’t if he spends every weekend with you? Has he ever said ‘sorry I can’t on that day, I’m seeing my kid’?

Sounds like he’s lying to you. Red flag.

Sounds like my ex. I often wonder why his new girlfriend doesn't question the fact that his child doesn't want to see him.

Thread is old now, and ended things months ago but came back to say - always follow your intuition. Did a Claire's law, he has a history of violence towards women and had supervised access to his son

Well done for getting out @Togethergetit, I hope you didn’t experience his violence.

There are good men out there… I’m glad that you trusted your intuition that this wasn’t one of them.

Hmm. What are the chances that if you ask him about it you’ll find out that his ex is completely unreasonable and stops him from seeing the child. And he doesn’t want to go to court about it because that will just make her worse. Does he ever mention money?

Oops-didn’t read. Well done, @Togethergetityou did a good job there…

Trust your instinct.

Sorry-I had to come back to say it wasn’t about “instinct”. This man was actually draped in real, physical red flags. “Gut feeling” is all very well but it can lead you astray in a way that observation, asking clear questions and listening to the answers and common sense don’t.

I agree with @CurlewKate What I take away from this is not that you listened to your instinct, but you took a long cold hard look at the facts - a man who seemed unbothered by not seeing his children, who was inconsistent in his stories, and who seemed to suggest that the mother ws the problem. And then you used those facts to make a good decision.

I'm all for instinct, but quite often that instinct really is based on actual information we're just not necessarily consciously paying attention to.

Goodness. I hope the ending was OK as this is when women are at most risk of abuse and violence - and for two years after. Well done for seeking opinions here, then taking action re Clare’s Law - how was that process? Have you felt safe and supported since?

Goodness. I hope the ending was OK as this is when women are at most risk of abuse and violence - and for two years after. Well done for seeking opinions here, then taking action re Clare’s Law - how was that process? Have you felt safe and supported since?

Red flag indeed. Date someone without children or who parents their child