To think I should have my shit together?

[BexAubs20]

I’m drowning in life! Kids & work and I’m doing none of it well! I try my best every day but it is never good enough! For eg I had to call in sick today as my little one had me up all night from 1am-5am and has come out in spots all over her face. Work are not happy and I may get sacked as had a long sickness / absence history due to my health/ kids. Yesterday I forgot to take son’s PE kit out of washer so it was still wet on the morning and he was late. So basically failing at home, as a mum & at work! 4 kids ages 17, 14, 12, 2. Husband who said he couldn’t get up last night as had a big job in today. Not much of a support network apart from my mum who does her best to help. I have anxiety, depression and in diagnosed what I think is an autoimmune condition and PMDD. AMBU to think everyone else copes with day to day life of work and kids and I should be able to as well?

I can't offer any advice on the parent/husband stuff.

I too had/have a genetic autoimmune condition at the time I seriously thought I had PMDD too so I know that feeling, though.

My boss must have thought I was mentally unstable every month (technically I was I suppose) and I'm sure it cost me a promotion and damaged my reputation generally.

Anyway - I say "had" PMDD because I happened across an article that said take magnesium citrate for depressive episodes around menstruation and honestly it changed my whole world. Steady as the sunrise ever since. I just need to remember to take it around the right time (for me approx a week before starting a period)

Could you have a house meeting? 12,14 and 17 year old can help out and do chores. Not saying they should have lots to do but a few things a week each. You need to speak to DH about him helping more, depending on what your work are like you could tell them how you’re feeling too.

You have four children, a [full time?] job each, and health issues. Of course you can't get your shit fully together - give yourself a break.

Something needs to give a bit. Accept lower standards, or get the older kids to help, or one of you reduces work hours?

Edit : you've not described the balance of domestic labour between you and husband really either?

I will try the magnesium thanks! Yes my work (although supportive) definitely think I’m mental!

Thanks I just look at other people and think well the rest of the world also have kids and work and seem to manage. Why can’t I?! I work 3 days. Husband has own business so is out 7days a week at “work” I suspect he does less work (he has people working for him) and more dog walking/ haircuts etc. where as my job is full on. I do all the nursery/ school runs and find mornings the hardest on my own getting us all out the door by 8am. It gives me anxiety and makes me not want to even wake up! Household labour is 80% me too and he can be verbally abusive when I try and call him out on it.

Thanks it’s more me dropping the ball with the tasks I’m supposed to do ya know?!

OP I know people will argue it’s fine but You can’t be phoning into work sick when you only work 3 days because you didn’t get much sleep, you really can’t. You can’t phone in sick for your kids problems and especially not when you are likely to need so much sick leave to manage your conditions.

What will you do with no job!?? I’m afraid work wpuld have to be the priority for me.

youre dropping balls because you’re distracted and overwhelmed trying to manage them all. Don’t be so hard on yourself

have you looked at what you could be entitled to in divorce? Maybe you’d be better off especially as he’d have the children 50%

If my children are ill that’s my priority sorry! I don’t know what world you live in!

Why are you doing school runs for 12, 14 and 17 years olds?

Even with a supportive husband, 4 kids and work is a lot, so I'm not surprised you're struggling

Because their school is on my way to nursery and work so I take them with me. Do other people just leave their older kids to fend for themselves on a morning? Like just leave them in bed and expect them to get up and to school on their own?

You can’t phone in sick to your employers because your children are ill- that’s not sick leave. It’s parental/ emergency/ annual leave.

I live in a world where people sacked for performance find it hard to get new jobs, and so don’t have any money.

Of course they do? Surely you’ve noticed very few people take their 14 & 17 year olds to school and pick them up?

In a world where even the most supportive of workplaces expect you to, you know, turn up for work.

You have four children: presumably that was your choice and it's a choice you have to manage, especially given the fact that two are teenagers and another almost an adult.

@BexAubs20 Em.. yes, they do? Do you brush their teeth for them too?

No wonder you're knackered, they're almost adults!

Yes others cope but they probably don't have 4 kids and a health condition! No way could I have managed 4 kids even with no health issues. Can you get the 17 year old to help out with housework? Look for a work from home job? Get your H to help with school runs, pay for a cleaner? The mornings are the most stressful I think. Can your H do a couple?

It’s my 2yr old who’s ill so what am I supposed to do? Leave her on her own sick? God it’s women like YOU who make it so hard for working mothers! I really hope your not anyone’s boss

See OP? This was helpful. There is a really good solution in that you start giving the older 3 some more independence and getting them to help with the household too. You’re doing too much of them and not enough work to keep your employees satisfied. Win win

My children were getting up and off to school unsupervised by secondary school as I was out at work from 6am and their dad worked nights. At what point in their lives will you stop getting them up?

If it helps, not one of mine overslept or forgot PE kits. They're now adults with full time jobs.

@BexAubs20 to be fair you didn't say you'd taken the day off to look after your sick child, you said you'd taken the day off because you were tired from being up with your child.

You're angry at the wrong person- go shout at the guy you had 4 kids with

Surely it’s my job to ensure my kids are at school clean and fed with the correct clothing. Am I missing something here?!

Yes you’re missing something

interesting that your husband doesn’t think it’s his job, either

Yes your correct here 100%

The 14 year old and 17 year old certainly should be responsible enough to get up and out for school assuming no additional support needs. If giving them a lift makes life easier for you/them I’d expect them to be ready to go when you are.

OP when you are sacked for having so much time off you aren’t going to be able to argue that other women in your office are responsible for not letting you have as much time off as you need for ill children lack of sleep and your own health problems.

do you just not care about not having a job?

if you don’t then isn’t the best solution to resign so you lose one of the major balls you’re trying to juggle?

Do other people just leave their older kids to fend for themselves on a morning?

You're not serious?!

My eldest two are 17 and 14. I absolutely call them when I wake (several times 🙄) to make sure they're up and about. But that's it.

Two days a week I'm in the office and leave before them...I shout up the stairs 'right I'm off, don't you miss your buses or [insert appropriate threat]. Love you!'...and out I go. They get themselves breakfasted, dressed and to school/college and the last one out locks the door.

No wonder you're knackered and struggling if you're looking after them ALL as if they're all primary aged!