To think I should have my shit together?

[BexAubs20]

I’m drowning in life! Kids & work and I’m doing none of it well! I try my best every day but it is never good enough! For eg I had to call in sick today as my little one had me up all night from 1am-5am and has come out in spots all over her face. Work are not happy and I may get sacked as had a long sickness / absence history due to my health/ kids. Yesterday I forgot to take son’s PE kit out of washer so it was still wet on the morning and he was late. So basically failing at home, as a mum & at work! 4 kids ages 17, 14, 12, 2. Husband who said he couldn’t get up last night as had a big job in today. Not much of a support network apart from my mum who does her best to help. I have anxiety, depression and in diagnosed what I think is an autoimmune condition and PMDD. AMBU to think everyone else copes with day to day life of work and kids and I should be able to as well?

They pretty much do but I would trust 12yr old to go on his own

Encourage your teenage kids to get themselves up, get some breakfast and make sure they've got the right kit. If they can get themselves to school too, they should be doing that as well. If you do everything for them you're not helping them become independent, as well as giving yourself extra work. If you take too much time off you're possibly going to get fired so your H needs to cover some of the time the kids are sick.

It does sound stressful, OP.

My children are little so I can’t comment much on the teenage logistics - though I definitely got myself to and from school at that age!

It strikes me that your husband needs to step up in several ways. If your toddler is too unwell for nursery then he should be taking time off for that, 50% of the time. It can’t all be on you to miss work.

OP you don’t need to pity me as we are total strangers and I am also incredibly secure in my brilliance as a mother and in my career.

you must realise by your stage of life that you can’t take as much time off as you want for dependants, your own post states that you may be sacked for your absence record.

i keep asking- and you don’t answer- do you just not care about being sacked?! You very much appear that you don’t. In which case why work at all? Speed up your journey to being a SAHM, it’ll be much easier for you

Yes this is true!

Yes I will thanks

You have 4 kids, work 3 days a week, do all the household chores and not in the best health. Bloody hell! You have so much on your plate, I don’t think anyone would reasonably be able to cope with this. I think your family could step up a little bit and give you some support. You need time for yourself to recharge, e.g. exercise / hobbies / friends. And a holiday! Maybe just you and your mum. Let the family see what it’s like without you.

Older children need to get themselves up and out. Bags / clothes organised the night before (them not you!). These are life skills, it's not helpful to reach young adulthood without learning to take responsibility for themselves. I would say from last year Primary / first year secondary this should be expected, you can implement it now for them all.

Your 2 yr old sickness needs to be covered equally between you and your partner. Surely he understands your job is at risk and your family needs your income? It's practical to split this and not allow one persons job to take precedence.

My 16 year old daughter is autistic and goes to a specialist school. She still gets herself up in the morning and is ready for the taxi, makes her own breakfast and packed lunch, does her own washing, will help around the house with cleaning, cooking etc. We are meant to be preparing them for adulthood, right?

This OP sounds like a cry for help and at breaking point. Your DH and older children (I had a full time job at 15 and got myself to and from there myself) need to step up.

It sounds like your DH is expecting you to be the one to take time off every time a child is sick and be up in the night. You both work, it needs to be 50-50.

All I get from your OP is that you have a DH issue. He needs to help out more and pull his weight.

the 14 and 17 year old should definitely have chores, so should the 12 year old but maybe smaller amount. They are all old enough to get themselves dressed teeth brushed and packed lunch x

Your 2 yr old sickness needs to be covered equally between you and your partner. Surely he understands your job is at risk and your family needs your income? It's practical to split this and not allow one persons job to take precedence.

This is my opinion too, I feel like DH has a “op will do it all” attitude with no real care for how she’s feeling and her job at risk

In my house PE kit goes in the wash the day after PE and is hung up all on the same hanger, dry in the cupboard on the weekend to ensure its ready for the next week and all pieces of kit are together. This has become non negotiable for me because I have had too many stressful mornings scrabbling through washing baskets in the past trying to find it and I've learned my lesson.

Can you draw up some similar rules for yourself / family to follow?

Nothing really to add OP, but just to say that I don't have a quarter of the stress that you do and have days where I feel stressed out of my nut. Can't imagine what you must be feeling.

The fact you are persevering and juggling so much really does you credit. You are a good parent and you are doing your best.

Husband is verbally abusive when you try to ask for more help? For equality?

OP, I heavily suspect many of your health issues, mental health especially, will improve drastically if you leave him. He has you trapped. He “works” all the time and you’re left doing everything else and if you dare say anything, he’s nasty to you. What a pig.

Relationships work on mutual respect and care. Without this, you’ll be unhappy. And long term unhappiness leads to depression and anxiety.

Of course you have anxiety with the workload you are bearing, that’s normal, normal a condition you need to treat with medication. You need to solve the root issue; the unsupportive husband.

It sounds like he makes good money? Even more reason to take your half and run. Your health issues won’t improve all the while you’re carrying so much responsibility with a disrespectful husband.

The PE kit, that's normal. I did things like that so many times! And I had 2 dc, not 4!

And there is no WAY I would have gone to work if my child was sick.

I hope you had a sofa day, OP.

Everyone else copes because we don't have 4 kids and we don't have to organise our teens for school. They organise themselves.

Got it in one!

I think this is the case too! I’m scared but need to leave him! He’s gone out now at bath: bed time (the next most stressful part of my day after school runs) to put oil in his van so I’m basically parenting alone! My baby has just used the potty and I’ve just thought to myself I’ve been the one to solely potty train her too!

You talk about dinner /bath time and a lot of things that should only relate to the two year old, time to step back and let the older ones sort
themselves out.

Sounds really hard OP. I’ve been there with the PE kit (I assume most mums have) and I only have 2 kids primary age. I do feel I’m somewhat on a treadmill of life right now, but my DH is supportive and I think that’s your main problem here. Your DH is leaving everything to you and is verbally abusive if you ask for help!

Also you have a toddler. They are hard work. I am never going back to toddlers again. I think the toddler teenager combination must be very difficult, despite all the DH issues.

@AquaPeer why are you so angry at op? I’m not sure that the tough love routine is going to help the op who is very obviously frazzled. You having a go and demanding answers from someone who is being verbally abused by their husband isn’t ok.

@BexAubs20 You are ok. Teens and a toddler plus your own health issues and an unsupportive husband sounds super stressful! I think anyone would drop the ball at some point! I agree that the teens need to be helping more, this is the perfect opportunity to start! Also you need routine and a time table (for everyone, not just you). You will get through this stage.

I think OP and her children have been gaslit into believing that the lion's share of what needs to be done is her responsibility. That attitude comes from her abusive DH and has trickled down to the kids. It isn't easy to see that dynamic when you're immersed in it and still harder to know what to do to bring about change, even if people think change is possible as long as there's an abuser in the picture. Ideally she should leave him while there's still time to get things on a healthier footing with her children, who are learning that this is normal, but OP is already really struggling so that probably also seems unmanageable. Suggesting she give up her own income is really bad advice in the circumstances.

OP, is leaving him an option? In the short term, I would advise talking to your GP and, if you think they would be sympathetic, to your employer about the fact that you're in an abuse situation and close to going pop. Perhaps your GP might sign you off for a period so that you could get your health together, get things on a more even keel with your family and make a plan to leave.

OP, you are not failing, you are being failed.

Yes.

Older kids can ‘just fend for themselves’ in the morning and get themselves up. I’d expect this in late primary let alone secondary age.