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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DP's traditional parents

76 replies

Anonymous2003 · 28/01/2025 16:27

Didn't include a poll as I believe I am not being unreasonable, this is more for a vent 😆
DP and I are 21 and have been together for 3 years. We are completing our studies and so are both living at home.
His parents are lovely to me but his mum in particular has very traditional views around sex before marriage and does not approve of it. I've never stayed at their house or anything which is fine, their home their rules. He does however stay at mine and I stay with him sometimes at his student flat (he is living away for a year due to placement) which is fine.
We have been on a few trips and a couple foreign holidays together, his mum wouldn't say anything to me but initially voiced to DP that he shouldn't be having sex before marriage bla bla bla. She never took much interest in our first few holidays and didn't mention them to us as she obviously felt uncomfortable.
I did plan a city break for him a while back and informed his DM beforehand to make sure they had no family plans, she even took us to the airport.
We have booked another trip for next month which he has not told his parents about as he said they probably won't say much about it due to their traditional views. However they already know as my family member told one of his family members.
I guess I'm just a bit frustrated that this is such a big deal to them. And I'm a bit annoyed that by him not telling them makes it seem like he's hiding something.
Yes I know we are adults and it's our lives and I'll probably get some blunt comments telling me to grow up but it bothers me a little bit. I'm going to visit his mum tomorrow and I'm going to bring the trip up casually as you would with anyone else.
Deep down I think I'm worrying slightly that when we eventually move in together, they will disapprove. His sister is currently engaged, she and her fiance do not live together and won't be until they get married.
(Sorry for the long post!)

OP posts:

Octavia64 · 28/01/2025 16:41

Yes some people are like this.

A friend of mine had quite strict Christian parents who would have been devastated if he lived with anyone or had sex before marriage.

He had lots of sex before marriage with many many people none of which he told his parents about.

He then much later bought a house with his fiance and settled down, got married and had kids. His whole family cut him off because he lived with his fiance before getting married.

They didn't see him or his wife or his kids. He was married for 20 years, and then divorced.

I believe at the point they started speaking to him again (although not the ex-wife or I believe his kids).

Quite sad really.

Gnnnn7 · 28/01/2025 16:44

What are his views about it? Surely it's up to him to have this conversation about it? No need for you to feel awkward.

If ever broached about it just adopt a 'don't ask, don't tell' policy.

Original poster

Anonymous2003 · 28/01/2025 16:47

@Octavia64 jesus, that is so sad. Ironic they claim to be religious, love thy neighbour etc... what happened to live and let live? Or at the very least, hate the sin love the sinner.
I don't believe they would be that extreme. However his DM's mother is very intense. When DP's couin sent out wedding invites, she sent them a handwritten letter telling them that she would not be attending the wedding as they lived together before marriage!
Anyway, pretty pathetic that those people you're talking about missed out on building amazing relationships with their grandkids. Their loss entirely.

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Sassybooklover · 28/01/2025 16:48

I dated someone many years ago and the Mother had traditional views. We dated between the ages of 19-21, and I remember going on a static caravan holiday with him, and we had to provide bedding as the site didn't. She sent him with a single set, and my Mum sent me with a double set!! 😂 I stayed over at his, but a separate room, although we did sneak around - where there's a will there's a way! She found out I was on the Pill, and told her son that I was a 'tramp'! I went ballistic! I phoned his house to speak to her regarding the situation, and she refused to speak to me, so I spoke to his Dad. I was not happy, and he knew it. You can't change your boyfriends parents views. It's likely if you do live together, his Mother will not like it. However, it's down to your boyfriend to be firm with his parents - you may not like my choices, or agree with them but you should respect that my choices are not yours. Try to let comments ride over you, if any are made to you directly. If your partner's Mum is like my then boyfriend's she'll not say a word to you!

MrsJHernandez · 28/01/2025 16:48

You're both consenting adults. As long as its not under her roof, it's none of her business. Her son has the right to choose how he lives his life.

Yes, I agree that by not telling her, it looks like he's ashamed or has something to hide. But it could just be that he doesn't want to hear the same old lecture again. Which I can also understand.

There's nothing you can do about her religious views. You can either suck it up, or break up with him.

I'd be inclined to not tell them about your trips together. DM might feel like the sex thing is being rubbed in her face.

Original poster

Anonymous2003 · 28/01/2025 16:49

@Gnnnn7 yes I agree with you it's up to him to discuss it with them. He says it annoys him that they feel this way but he respects their values and understands that those won't change at this stage in their life.
Of course I agree that they are entitled to their views, I just wish I didn't feel awkward about it. Maybe this is in my head but I feel like them finding out about it via another family member makes it a bit awkward, even though this isn't our first holiday together. Not sure why DP didn't tell them when he was up a couple weekends ago. They know we sleep in the same bed at least every other week.

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LauritaEvita · 28/01/2025 16:51

I don’t think anyone is being unreasonable here. They’re unlikely to be able to change their views and, you could reasonably ask, why should they? It all sounds quite awkward but they’re not actually trying to stop you guys sleeping together (as in, they’re not lecturing you etc). You’ve even been given lifts to holidays so they’re actually trying to be supportive even though they disapprove. I think you’ll just have to accept them if you plan on staying with your bf.

Original poster

Anonymous2003 · 28/01/2025 16:51

@Sassybooklover god she sounds like a nightmare! Sounds like you dodged a major bullet, imagine her being your MIL 🙈 fortunately I don't believe she would make any comments to me. Her and I genuinely do get on well, it's just this one thing gets to me a bit.

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curious79 · 28/01/2025 16:52

You could tell her not to worry and that you sleep with a sharpened sword down the centre of the bed that neither one of you is allowed to cross?

mitogoshigg · 28/01/2025 16:53

I'm middle aged and my now dh's mother described our house as his house up until she died despite the fact I paid for half of it (we own outright as tenants in common) we also either went for the day (a lot of driving for one day) or booked the premier inn... not just me either, she was the same about bil's dp too

Original poster

Anonymous2003 · 28/01/2025 16:54

@MrsJHernandez yes I understand what you mean about why he maybe didn't tell them. He would tend to leave it til a week or two before trips before telling them, probably as he doesn't want to put up with any comments.
It just frustrates me that all they think about when we go on holiday is the sex thing. We go on holiday cuz we love to travel and explore new places! Plus after a long day of sightseeing all I want to do it sleep 🤣 I just wish she saw it that way, rather than as some week long sex fest or something 🤣 it would be nice for her to be normal about it like my family friends and colleagues are.

OP posts:

Original poster

Anonymous2003 · 28/01/2025 16:56

@LauritaEvita yeah you're right. There's just that deep down niggling worry about the future, I wouldn't want to cause a rift but at the same time no way would I ever marry someone without living with them first. Fortunately his DF is a bit more lax about it all and I believe he could talk DM down if she ever got upset.

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Original poster

Anonymous2003 · 28/01/2025 16:57

@curious79 the ironic thing is that we went on many trips together without having sex once, and we didn't sleep together until 2 years into the relationship due to health issues of mine 🤣

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Tootiredforthis23 · 28/01/2025 17:01

I had an ex in my early 20s with family like this, although not as extreme. We moved in together and his mum asked if we’d be sharing a room. He told her yes, but we didn’t have sex and that I was still a virgin because an ex of mine had been abusive and I didn’t want to. Complete lie and none of that had happened, I’d lost my virginity at 15. It really pissed me off that he made up such a lie about me. He could have at least lied about himself. The relationship obviously didn’t last much longer after that.

I would ignore it and just carry on as normal, however I would have a bit of a conversation about the future. It turned out my ex expected we would basically live his parents life, me as a housewife, kids in his old catholic school and attending church. Make sure you're on the same page now!

Sassybooklover · 28/01/2025 17:01

Anonymous2003 · 28/01/2025 16:51

His Mum was actually nice but he was the youngest and her 'baby'. I think some of it was the fact she didn't want to think that her son was having sex! Once I stuck up for myself, and she saw I wasn't going to roll over, she did back off. She ruled the house! His Dad didn't have the same traditional views, and I think he knew my then boyfriend and I were sneaking around!!! His Mum was naive, whereas his Dad definitely wasn't!! It's been 30 years since we split up, but his Mum still sends me a Christmas card, and she's in her mid-90s now!! I must have left some kind of impression!!! 😂

Original poster

Anonymous2003 · 28/01/2025 17:03

@Tootiredforthis23 omg I'm very glad to read that he is your ex, who makes up a disgusting thing like that? Crazy.
His DF said to me (when his Dsis got engaged) not to feel like we need to follow the path that they took (which I assume means marrying young and moving in together afterwards) and that we are our own people and can do our own thing. It's more his DM I worry a little about but I think she would eventually come around if we eventually moved in together.

OP posts:

Otterparty · 28/01/2025 17:03

i Think the positive is she’s not bring it up. They have different beliefs than you and your partner and that’s okay. As long as they’re not lecturing you on it, or cutting you off because of it then just try not to give it so much headspace.
me and my OH never shared a room before marriage in either of our parents houses as it would have been disrespecting their views. I don’t think they thought or cared about where we slept when we weren’t under their roof. But in his parents house it is right to not force them to be uncomfortable by sharing a room if they feel so strongly.
I wouldn’t raise it yourself and make it a bigger issue than it needs to be.

Original poster

Anonymous2003 · 28/01/2025 17:06

@Otterparty yeah I wish I could be more lax but I tend to be a bit of a worryer. I think partly why it annoys me is that I know my DP gets a little upset by his DM's lack of enthusiasm about our travels. Tomorrow I'm planning on just casually mentioning it but not making a big deal. I haven't seen her since December and so it would be weird to not mention a biggish thing like this as nothing else exciting has happened in my life since Christmas 🤣 don't want to look like I'm scared to tell her things.

OP posts:

thepariscrimefiles · 28/01/2025 17:07

Anonymous2003 · 28/01/2025 16:47

You've mentioned moving in together at some point. Do you think his mum will then treat you both like she treated his cousin who had lived with his wife prior to marriage and refuse to attend your wedding?

I find this behaviour quite controlling. She has every right to live her life in accordance with her religious beliefs. She doesn't believe in sex before marriage so she didn't sleep with her husband before marriage. However, if she punishes family members who don't have the same beliefs as her, she doesn't sound as though she would be a great MIL and I'd be worried about her influence on any children you may have.

Sammysquiz · 28/01/2025 17:08

My DH’s parents are like this - they’re traditional Greek Orthodox. DH was never allowed to have a girlfriend as a teenager (but of course, he did but just kept them secret). He then shagged many girls at uni but obviously keep that quiet. We moved in with each other a few months before our wedding and they weren’t awful about it, but were clearly a bit disappointed we hadn’t waited until we were married. I think they genuinely thought we were both pure and innocent, but we were in our early 30s by then and were very very much not virgins!! I expect they probably believed we didn’t actually shag until our wedding night.

They’ve mellowed over the years but there’s still a lot of tutting when a relative has a child out of wedlock.

LauritaEvita · 28/01/2025 17:09

Know what you mean. I admire people brave enough to jump into marriage before ever living together but I wasn’t one of them 😂

Original poster

Anonymous2003 · 28/01/2025 17:10

@thepariscrimefiles I think you misread that, it was DP's grandmother who sent the letter (his mum's mum) not DP's mother.

OP posts:

MrsJHernandez · 28/01/2025 17:15

@Anonymous2003

I agree, it's strange that all she assumes your doing is having sex when you're away. There's plenty more to life than sex! Plus, you don't need to be in another country to do it!

I think it's for your bf to manage and tell her to butt out, that he knows her opinion on the subject, but it's none of her business. She doesn't have to like it, but if she wants to keep her son in her life, she needs to accept it and stop making it an issue. It's so overbearing.

Cosycover · 28/01/2025 17:15

I honestly find this so creepy. Parents shouldn't be invested in their adult children's sex lives. It's ridiculous and it would really do my head in.

alexdgr8 · 28/01/2025 17:17

He needs to move out.

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