DP's traditional parents

[Anonymous2003]

Didn't include a poll as I believe I am not being unreasonable, this is more for a vent 😆
DP and I are 21 and have been together for 3 years. We are completing our studies and so are both living at home.
His parents are lovely to me but his mum in particular has very traditional views around sex before marriage and does not approve of it. I've never stayed at their house or anything which is fine, their home their rules. He does however stay at mine and I stay with him sometimes at his student flat (he is living away for a year due to placement) which is fine.
We have been on a few trips and a couple foreign holidays together, his mum wouldn't say anything to me but initially voiced to DP that he shouldn't be having sex before marriage bla bla bla. She never took much interest in our first few holidays and didn't mention them to us as she obviously felt uncomfortable.
I did plan a city break for him a while back and informed his DM beforehand to make sure they had no family plans, she even took us to the airport.
We have booked another trip for next month which he has not told his parents about as he said they probably won't say much about it due to their traditional views. However they already know as my family member told one of his family members.
I guess I'm just a bit frustrated that this is such a big deal to them. And I'm a bit annoyed that by him not telling them makes it seem like he's hiding something.
Yes I know we are adults and it's our lives and I'll probably get some blunt comments telling me to grow up but it bothers me a little bit. I'm going to visit his mum tomorrow and I'm going to bring the trip up casually as you would with anyone else.
Deep down I think I'm worrying slightly that when we eventually move in together, they will disapprove. His sister is currently engaged, she and her fiance do not live together and won't be until they get married.
(Sorry for the long post!)

I don't know how to shorten a quote but your first paragraph is EXACTLY the point I am trying to make. Whenever someone tells me that they're going on holiday with their partner/spouse my mind doesn't jump to sex! I think wow what a beautiful location have a great time.

Honestly, how do you know if you're sexually compatible if you don't have sex before marriage?! I've had some really bad sex where I felt no connection, hated every minute of it or it was just meh. I'd hate to be married to one of those blokes.

@MrsJHernandez honestly a polite smile and a 'that's nice' would suffice when telling her about the trip. I'm hoping she reacts like that when I visit her tomorrow.

Yes many people are like this - my mother is one.

The real question is why do you care? Their views are different to yours. So?

Why do you need them to fall in line with your beliefs?

@JHound I don't expect them to change their beliefs. I think she has mellowed a little even since the beginning of our relationship. I guess I value their opinion as I hope to be married to their son one day. And I would like them to be happy for us at least on the outside.

You are not going to change her views so mentioning the trip is just poking the bear. Live with the fact she has traditional views and will never approve.

I don't see the issue. They don't agree with your lifestyle but they're not trying to stop you (still taking you to airport etc). I actually think it's really mature of them to embrace you & be kind even though they disagree with your choice. Just as you disagree with their belief, but you're kind & respectful towards them.

Of course it'd be lovely if everyone agreed on everything but this seems as good as it'll get! Seems like you have a good arrangement & I certainly wouldn't rock the boat.

It is her normal

And as she isn't interfering you need to live and let live

@anonhop yeah this is a good answer. I suppose I should be thankful, they are very good to me and spoil me loads. I've heard some utter horror stories about ILs, look at some of the comments on this thread for example.
I feel better having posted this, I tend to get in my head and worry a lot so it's nice to get outsider opinions.

On the contrary, his Dsis's fiance's parents went mad when he announced their engagement, banging on and on about how they barely knew each other etc...
I guess that goes to show there's no pleasing everyone!

My lovely mother in law always put me in a separate bedroom before we were married - we'd already bought and were living in our own house but she just felt uncomfortable before we were married. She was always lovely to me and never said anything about living arrangements - I wouldn't worry about it to be honest and after reading some of the horror MIL posts on here I would just count your blessings that you have a good relationship with her - I know I did

@Craftysue you're absolutely right ♥️

I think you're overthinkubg it OP. Just don't tell them you're going, it's your trip no need to discuss it with them. My parents disapproved of us for 30 years for the same reason. It changed nothing.

Look I’m sure she’s not that naive she probably knows full well you are having sex, would she prefer that you weren’t yes I’m sure she would. Is she throwing you and your DP out of her house, is she calling you a harlot, no she seems to be keeping her views quietly to herself.
Why do you feel the need to prod her into acknowledging something, she’s never going to give you her unbridled consent for you to be having sex, the person who’s making this a thing is you.
I’m sure you meet plenty other people with different views to you and not feel compelled to convert them to your views. If you feel confident in your own views leave her to hers.

@InSpainTheRain my thoughts are just that it looks a bit awkward that they already know, and they know that my family know, so by not telling her it's like I'm hiding it from her. I just want to be honest and keep open communication.

@Juiceinacup I would just like her to be happy for us and wish us safe travels etc. But you offer a sensible perspective, I need to cool it with the overthinking

I think she's already meeting you halfway tbh. You can't expect her to be enthusiastic. She's trying to be tolerant. Appreciate that rather than thinking she should do more.

Most of my family is Indian and Hindu. Prior to marriage everyone does sleep in separate beds when we go to visit (we did and our kids/partners do now). I do not see this as a problem. Their house their rules and I would always be respectful of this. However here it feels a bit different. It isn't just how we live, it is and we expect our kids to do the same. This is a significant and controlling extension which I do not have from most of my relatives. Some very hardline ones would. I did keep in touch for a while but completely broke contact at a point where I realised that for my family this would be too constraining. My eldest son is gay and he did not deserve to hear/receive any nastiness from these people. Most Hindus/Christians/Muslims and other religions would accept you have different views. Beware his parents do not. It is manageable but if this relationship progresses it may not be easy.

@Cyclebabble I wonder if my thread had been about his family not being accepting of same-sex relationships, would the comments be different 🤔

@Anonymous2003 As time goes on I do think you have to think about how you manage all of these things. Pressure for a Church wedding, if you have kids, What happens if one of your children is gay? Will they insist on a baptism? Pressure you to take him to Sunday school etc.

@Cyclebabble the thing is they don't even go to church nor did they baptise their children.

I think they're entitled to their views and it's really up to their son to deal with it if they bring it up with him. You're both adults and don't need their approval. I'm not sure what it is you want from them to be honest 🤷‍♀️

Other half's relatives were like this, always lecturing us about sex before marriage. I resented it then and resent them even more now.

@Zebedee999 they don't lecture me.
I have a friend whose mother is so extreme she made her and her DP book separate rooms when they went on their first holiday years ago.

Honestly, it all sounds a bit infantilising for adults, and not much of a basis for a relationship, but then I feel a giant boot should kick everyone out the door of their parents’ house at 18. And I’m not sure I could fancy someone who seems to giving undue weight to the views of such repressive parents, to the point where he’s concealing holiday plans from them! It seems very hole-and-corner, sneaking around mid-teens stuff to me.