DP's traditional parents

[Anonymous2003]

Didn't include a poll as I believe I am not being unreasonable, this is more for a vent 😆
DP and I are 21 and have been together for 3 years. We are completing our studies and so are both living at home.
His parents are lovely to me but his mum in particular has very traditional views around sex before marriage and does not approve of it. I've never stayed at their house or anything which is fine, their home their rules. He does however stay at mine and I stay with him sometimes at his student flat (he is living away for a year due to placement) which is fine.
We have been on a few trips and a couple foreign holidays together, his mum wouldn't say anything to me but initially voiced to DP that he shouldn't be having sex before marriage bla bla bla. She never took much interest in our first few holidays and didn't mention them to us as she obviously felt uncomfortable.
I did plan a city break for him a while back and informed his DM beforehand to make sure they had no family plans, she even took us to the airport.
We have booked another trip for next month which he has not told his parents about as he said they probably won't say much about it due to their traditional views. However they already know as my family member told one of his family members.
I guess I'm just a bit frustrated that this is such a big deal to them. And I'm a bit annoyed that by him not telling them makes it seem like he's hiding something.
Yes I know we are adults and it's our lives and I'll probably get some blunt comments telling me to grow up but it bothers me a little bit. I'm going to visit his mum tomorrow and I'm going to bring the trip up casually as you would with anyone else.
Deep down I think I'm worrying slightly that when we eventually move in together, they will disapprove. His sister is currently engaged, she and her fiance do not live together and won't be until they get married.
(Sorry for the long post!)

@HeronWing interesting...the other comments say I shouldn't mention the holiday to her tomorrow and there's no need for DP to tell them, but I was planning to mention it to her and not make it a secretive thing.
Not sure about your comment about being kicked out at 18 especially in this economy but I assume it was a tongue in cheek remark

think of it as not discussing something that would make her feel uncomfortable

OP, you're complaining that his parents are expressing their own beliefs about sex before marriage. They are entitled to their beliefs. They haven't managed to stop you having sex. Why do you think you have the right to push your sexual activity in their faces? Why don't you respect their views and be discreet?

Honestly people like this need to give their heads a wobble. Or at least examine why they’re so prudish. Imagine having a baby in 2004 and having the mindset of someone who gave birth in 1950

@StopStartStop I don't believe that simply telling somebody that you're going on holiday is 'pushing your sexual activity in their face' I just vented about being a little annoyed that all they can think of is sex.

I don’t think OP is looking to have sex in front of them. I think she’d just like to stay overnight

Lots of hotels, B&Bs, other holiday accommodation provide individual beds, rather than one big bed.

You are both over 18

It is none of her business what you do in your private time together - end of !

I would suggest that you never feel guilty !

There are some people & cultures that find it acceptable for young males to sleep around before marriage.
However, they expect the females to be virgins before marriage.
Can you see how unfair this is ?
With safe sex & contraception, there is no reason why females cannot enjoy sex before marriage.

Some people never marry, but plenty have sex

She can have her old fashioned views or religious views, but it doesn't make her views right !

BTW I have had these views expressed to myself in the past

I also know other people who have had to pit up with these views too

It does not mean that their views are right !

My husband was brought up in a very strict Christian household - his parents are a lot like this. We respected it, and waited until after marriage to have sex (nearly 5 years!!!) but I'll be honest, I love the bones of the man I married, but our sex life is utter shite. It was drummed in to him so hard that sex was sinful he never really got over it.

@StartingOverIn2025 I'm sorry to hear that 💐 looking back now, would you do things differently? Did you wait until marriage for your own sake or were you totally influenced by his parents?

I think you should relax and let them get on with believing, while you get on with your very important shagging. We've all been adolescents.

@StopStartStop thank you for your very condescending comment 😊

My grandmother told me that she went on a holiday with my grandfather before they were married. This was only allowed in condition they stayed in a hotel that her family had previously stayed in (presumably they trusted the owners) and that they stayed on separate floors.

I was mortified (teenager) when she added "But if we had wanted to do anything we could have just done it under the pier."

Nothing suggests they are not happy for you. They just have a difference of opinion on sex outside of marriage. I genuinely don’t get why that would bother you.

Why are you interested in their approval, or letting their opinions get in your head?

Total waste of your time. Stop caring.

Anytime.

He wanted to wait due to the way he was brought up. I held out because I loved (still love) everything else about him. He's a very good, kind man.

I respected his views, but never in a million years did I think we would end up like this, in fact I thought that we would be exactly the opposite, but it became evident on our honeymoon that there was going to be a serious issue. I felt rejected and our sex life never recovered.

Op you can’t change your mil. It shouldn’t affect your relationship but you will have to think about how she might behave if you do lan on moving in together. With the holidays she might very well believe you’re sleeping in separate rooms, or at least be able to sell that idea to “others”. Just like she can pretend you don’t stay at his flat. But if you move in together be prepared for her to disapprove / cut off contact / not come to a wedding (like she did with the cousin).
in the meantime, just enjoy the holiday and let your bf tell her whenever he wants, even if that is 2 days before you guys leave.

My parents were very against sex before marriage. When DH (then DP) and I visited we had to stay in separate rooms. My parents knew we were living together but as I hadn't actively told them they didn't comment.

The irony is that they were hypocrites. One day I did the maths, DM was pregnant when she got married.

My advice is don't demand their approval if you don't want their opinions.

Mu mum had a go at me for buying tampons because I wasn't married.

She might not be comfortable discussing your trips, but you say yourself she still took you to the airport and they're lovely to you. So.hardly the actions of an ogre. I think you're giving her a hard time - she's entitled to her views and you can't dictate how someone thinks or feels. She seems to still be treating you well and I think YABU

My parents are the same lol, I've been with my partner 17 years unmarried and we have 2 children and another one due, we still aren't allowed to stay at their house in the same room

Tell her you’re pregnant.

My dm has very strict rules about unmarried people staying in the same room when they visit. She is in her 80s and many of her friends are widows. If they now have a new partner, which she obviously would never have if df died she'll always mention they don't live together! And if someone has a child out of wedlock she totally blocks that child as though they don't exist.
I've never had a big enough house to have bfs stay over and I think some of it might have rubbed off. Thankfully my elder dds were both married before they had dc and dm tries to blot out the fact they lived together before marriage.