To give pocket money to DS for doing a chore?

[NoPocketMoney4U]

DH and I disagree on whether to give DS pocket money for doing chores. I think that if DS does a chore, it's reasonable to give him money for his work.

DH thinks it will encourage DS to be helpful only in exchange for money. Instead, DH thinks pocket money should be a specific amount of money per week that is not influenced by chores.

For context, DS is 11 and in his last year of primary school. Generally, we have never really given him pocket money. He also does no chores. A couple years ago, and occasionally since then, I mentioned to him that if he dusted the lounge, I would give him some pocket money in return. I thought it seemed like something he could easily manage and that I'd value enough to pay for.

Yesterday, he did it 😂

Then last night, I discovered how very opposed DH is to giving DS money for this. I realise I will need to give DS some money, since I said I would, but that I need to get on the same page as DH for the future.

But I didn't think it was that weird for parents to give their kids a bit of money for doing chores. (We live in England.)

I'm also curious how people physically manage pocket money for kids around this age. Do you give them cash? Or do they have a bank account and a card/app? Or something else?

YABU = Don't give money to your child for doing chores
YANBU = It's fine to give money to your child for doing chores

Well as presumably he'll have to have a job in the future to earn money, then it's not unreasonable to expect him to do things to for it now either.

If you make a rod for your own backs by giving pocket money for no chores. Then you run the risk of him not being helpful at all, and still getting money for it.

Personally my approach is the same as your DH but I don't think the other way is wrong - either way teaches a slightly different lesson.
I think it depends on what you think would work best for your family. A bit of direct reward for chores can be a marvellous motivator.
This age - cash.
Maybe with a baseline of small expectations for a set amount OR an expectation that you will help when asked (without fuss)

I would only give money for doing something (detest the word and concept 'chores') if it was a situation where older teen wanted part time work but couldn't get any.

Pocket money should be fixed sum but with the option for your child to ask for something they need from time to time and that you pay for obvs stuff like school trips.

Re chores - I don't think it's necessary to allocate chores to non adult members of a household. An attitude of help mum and dad if they ask me to is all you need, plus to teach them how to do stuff for life skills

I think there's no right or wrong with this but personally I'm with DH.

I personally want our kids (especially son...) to learn to be cooperative in a household and pull their weight. They don't do housework "for you" but because they are a contributing member of the household.

Otherwise, in my view, we wind up with men who do housework "for" their wives, to "help" them, and expect lots of praise/obligation in return.

But this is my personal view, I don't think there's a strict right or wrong here

So DH is unhappy to give him money by earning it, but is happy to give him money for doing nothing?! Go figure!

In particular I'd get him to be responsible for his own stuff as a starting point, rather than dusting the lounge in your example.

Eg build up to him doing his own laundry, folding and putting it away, changing his own bedsheets.

I would say it's whatever works best for your family but you and your husband seem to be diametrically opposed on this one.

I don't necessarily think you're doing anything wrong but I am more on your husband's side with this.

In our house the kids are expected to do age approproate chores without financial reward because they're part of the family and household.

They're 15 now and I give them £30 a month straight into their banks accounts (it was £10 when they were your son's age) which is their money to save / spend on whatever they want and then I also top up their phones and pay for all clubs and activities.

I agree with your DH pocket money is a fixed amount each week, given out of love because the recipient is a member of the family. Chores should be done again because all family members share the burdens as well as the rewards (and other family members are not DSs slaves! ) But no direct linking.

My 12yo DD kind of gets weekly pocket money but it’s not a set amount, she has a bank account and I generally just transfer her bits as and when (if she wants a drink on way to school or is out with her friends and wants a subway or has found something in primark etc)

She has expectations at home, keeping room clean, homework, behaving at school etc but I don’t pay her for specific tasks.

Why don't you and DH have a chat with DS about what his friends are currently getting pocket money wise, and what their parents expect them to do for it? See if you can reach a compromise everyone is happy with?

I'd also transfer it to an app/card vs giving cash. It'll help promote him understanding how to use this going forward. I'd open up a discussion about budgeting too. In no time at all he'll be a teenager, and I'd not just be handing over money whilst waiting on them hand and foot.

We take the same approach as your DH. They are expected to help out, out washing away, change beds, dishwasher, walk the dog etc as part of family life.

I never gave them money for chores. I never gave them chores really either though. No rod for my back, 2 of them grown and flown and managing their independence just fine. When they were teens DD1 was more help around the house, she is an enjoyer of organisation and cleaning, DD2 would do things if/when asked but I had no expectations, only the basic clean up after yourself when using the kitchen/bathroom.

I prefer a bit of both - a guaranteed small amount for weekly pocket money, but the option to increase it with extra work.

We take the approach of DH, mostly because we want chores to be a fundamental part of their lives and not something that they dip in and out of depending on whether they want money.
I am not putting another man out in the world who thinks it's someone's job to do his basic living chores for him.

I don't give money for routine chores.

I would offer money for non-routine tasks that quite frankly I don't want to do, wash the car by hand, weed the garden etc

I kept DDs pocket money at the same rate as that recommended for children in foster care £8 per week for her now.

At 14 she wanted to earn more money so got a voluntary role in a charity shop and I pay her £5 an hour (equal to what I was on in my first job)

Her pocket money covers her personal spends so cinema, Costa with friends, clothes she wants.

I cover her needs and go 50/50 on gifts for family and friends.

Pre High School age I gave her cash as wanted her to see it tangibly and physically hand it over. I waited until she was old enough to open a bank account herself and then I got her to research different accounts and make a case for which one she was going to chose and why pros / cons. Then she opened it herself. I think she's with Nationwide, she picked it as it had a higher interest savings account attached. She puts all her pocket money and Christmas / birthday money in there, gives herself a £50 float in her current account and the rest in the savings account.

She also has a small amount of money in a SIPP I opened for her and likes to see the ups and downs of the investment, and I like the fact that when she's retired and I may not be here I can still buy her a coffee

I was of similar opinion to your DH. I used to give my DCs a set amount each week and they did do chores. If I asked them to do anything big, I would pay them extra. For example they once laid turf.

Being paid per task is like being a freelancer and being paid a set amount per week or month no matter how many chores are done is like being an employee. You do have the sanction to cut pocket money if expectations are not met.

This is what we are about to change to. Up to now it's been £5 each per week. I'm about to introduce up to an additional max £5 each per week for doing chores for extra 50p or £1 per chore. The kids seem very motivated but I'm going to see how it goes!

We give ours pocket money for independence but if they don't do their chores then money is taken away. Likewise if they are rude and/or naughty. If they do something particularly well, they can earn more.

We've done this since reception and pocket money increases.

In terms of how we do it practically, we use rooster which is a card from NatWest. They have accounts with debit cards and a pin (which is a good life lesson) and I have an app on my phone which shows the balance. Money is set up electronically every Saturday but I can use the app to take or add money from our account at will. Rooster is free.

I know Go Henry do something similar but I think there is a monthly fee.

DDs have £5 a week transferred in to a bank account (they have a debit card). Not linked to chores but they are expected to keep rooms relatively tidy, do their own washing and do homework. Pocket money is one of the things removed for poor behaviour. They also often set the table or stack the dishwasher and ensure everyone has drinks as we are serving dinner up without being asked. I’d also chuck them a bit extra if they wanted to go to the cinema for example and I buy all clothes, basic toiletries and pay for their phones. Luxuries are bought for birthdays or Christmas or they can buy their own, or if we have a day out together I can generally be persuaded to treat them. They are 11 and 13. They also work hard every weekend unpaid at a local sports out of doors centre so not like they just sit and mess about the rest of the time.

Surely you do both?! Give them pocket money but also expect them to do chores? By 11 he should already be doing stuff around the house anyway like tidying his room, putting washing away, cleaning up after himself in the bathroom, packing and unpacking school bags etc. Does he really do nothing at all?

Yeah but you get paid for your job, you don't get money for cleaning your own house, do you.

Personally, I would approach it exactly like work. He should have to do his fair share. He should be given a set amount every month, under the understanding that he only gets this if he does everything he should be doing, including his school work - which is what he does instead of a job right now.

So things like keeping his room tidy, picking up after himself, and then doing things like dishes, laundry, cooking etc when it becomes age appropriate. If he doesn't want to do his share of chores, he loses a percentage of his pocket money.

He needs to learn that it's everyone's house to take care of.

Our DC get pocket money and are also expected to muck in around the house with how much mucking is required depending on how busy each of us are. I was at a meeting one evening this week and teen DD didn't have any activities so she cooked as that was just sensible,
However, if they want more money, they can do extra odd jobs to earn it such as cleaning the windows, wiping down the skirting boards, doing some batch cooking, doing some weeding & that sort of thing. Each job has a price and they can choose what they do.

How I did it with mine (and this was 30 years ago - so ignore if it is unhelpful!)

They had a set amount of pocket money each week (I think kids should have pocket money so they can save for things, allocate their money learn to budget etc and make choices about spending).

They also had chores they were expected to do - these were all things I felt they should be encouraged to take personal responsibility for. e.g. making thier bed, tidying their room, bringing down laundry, putting dirty plates/cups they had used to be washed, giving a hand with meal time - setting the table if asked, putting crockery/cutlery away if asked etc. If bedrooms were a mess, laundry all over the floor, then pocket money would be delayed until these tasks were completed.

Extra chores - mowing the lawn, cleaning the car, sorting out a cupboard (ie things I would consider 'my' job) I would pay for. They were helping me out, giving up their time, so they were rewarded. And it meant they had the opportunity to work for extra money - which is how the world works.

I do think you need a system of some kind, so kids know where they stand and know they have a reliable 'income' so they can plan and learn to make monetary choices. If its all a bit ad lib, then it makes for uncertainty for them.

Watch out for resourceful children that outsource to a younger siblings 😉 and keep a cut. You give Child A £5 for washing the car, Child A gets Child B to do it for £2.50. Both children happy, Child A likely to turn into the next Musk or Branson

We are the same. My son is primary school aged but he makes his bed and loads the washing machine everyday - I make the piles, he loads the machine and turns it on. He puts his shoes, coat and bag away and makes his bed in the morning.
After dinner he takes his plate to the sink and he feeds the cats.
On the weekend he helps with dusting

Most of the above is just learning to clear your own footstep

In the next year he will start to learn how to put his clothes away and how to empty the small bedroom bins as well as wipe the table down

He gets £2 a week and another £1 for additional chores