To give pocket money to DS for doing a chore?

[NoPocketMoney4U]

DH and I disagree on whether to give DS pocket money for doing chores. I think that if DS does a chore, it's reasonable to give him money for his work.

DH thinks it will encourage DS to be helpful only in exchange for money. Instead, DH thinks pocket money should be a specific amount of money per week that is not influenced by chores.

For context, DS is 11 and in his last year of primary school. Generally, we have never really given him pocket money. He also does no chores. A couple years ago, and occasionally since then, I mentioned to him that if he dusted the lounge, I would give him some pocket money in return. I thought it seemed like something he could easily manage and that I'd value enough to pay for.

Yesterday, he did it 😂

Then last night, I discovered how very opposed DH is to giving DS money for this. I realise I will need to give DS some money, since I said I would, but that I need to get on the same page as DH for the future.

But I didn't think it was that weird for parents to give their kids a bit of money for doing chores. (We live in England.)

I'm also curious how people physically manage pocket money for kids around this age. Do you give them cash? Or do they have a bank account and a card/app? Or something else?

YABU = Don't give money to your child for doing chores
YANBU = It's fine to give money to your child for doing chores

I have 5 boys, 2 smallies and 3 bigger ones.
Our view - we are on the same page - is that they live in a house that does not tidy/clean/run it's self.
They all have set jobs each day/week and they change over every week so that they are doing something different.
They do NOT get paid for them as we believe that as part of the contributors to the work that needs doing then they share that work.
Pocket money is separate, they are given cash. They all have credit union accounts (we are in Ireland) and they have to put a 1/3 in there, they spend a 1/3 on what ever they want (usually crap🙄) and the other 1/3 can either go into the credit union or into their jars to save for something specific - usually lego.
They can earn extra money by doing extra jobs and when something expensive is coming up that they want to buy they will look for ways to earn extra.
I got my car cleaned out, hoovered and washed on Sat and the 2 who were looking for extra money did a really really good job - win win for everyone😀

Doing chores is part of family life, not an income source. I'm with your DH.

I think it makes sense for a child to get a set amount of pocket money each week regardless of chores so that they can learn about money.

I also think it makes sense for a child to have set household responsibilities that they do without compensation and that are decoupled from the pocket money; this is because everyone ought to contribute to the household, keep it clean, etc. I would not be opposed to giving additional paid opportunities for a child to earn money if there’s some large project that they could help with.

I'm against giving money for day to day chores - that's just an expected part of being in a household, and all children should learn how to do age appropriate chores as part of developing towards adult independence & being a responsible housemate or partner in the future. I don't want to promote that being transactional and something that will only be done for reward.

I'm not against giving money for out of the ordinary chores - washing the car, window cleaning, gardening type jobs, small painting or maintenance/renovation type jobs when they're big enough for it. Or for doing something over and above their standard chores, like doing the ironing for the whole family, esp if they need money over and above regular pocket money e.g. if they're saving for something.
Above the "day to day chores", I'd like to promote the idea of working to earn money for the things they want, but as working/earning opportunities are limited for U16s, there's an element of "create opportunities for them" in this way.

My brother is 17 years older than me. When I was a teen, I used to clean his front room, dining room and stairs for him and dust, hoover etc. Only.those rooms. He would let me put whatever cds from his collection on. Then give me £20.00 and a lift to have to pick cds out. I used to love it, got some pocket money and some cool cds with it.

Really fond memory. Apart from when I draghed the dyson to the top of the stairs and it opened at the top. It was like vesuvius had erupted haha!

I used to also dust and polish front room for my um and dad and elderly neighbour, I used to love cleaning front rooms for some reason as a kid.

Nice memories. I think it's a lovely idea op.

I would do both. It’s important to teach kids about managing and saving money from a young age. I’d start with an allowance, maybe £1/2 per year of age per week, that can be deposited into a children’s bank or savings account. This would help him save up for things he wants long term or for the future. Then, for his fun money, I’d create a jobs board where he can earn a small amount per ‘job.’ He could choose to keep this in cash to spend now or add it to his bank account.

Also make sure theres a difference between the jobs he is doing for money and the reasonable expectations of contribution in the house like cleaning up the plates after dinner or cleaning his room.

Side bar... how much pocket money do well give our kids?

Mine is early primary and gets £2....

Mine has a basic pocket money rate (a pound per year he is old, monthly) and can make extra by doing additional chores on top of this.

There are chores he needs to do without payment as a part of the family, ie. make his bed, feed the pets, tidy up after himself, help when requested

Things that are a bit trickier that I wouldn't expect a child his age to do are on his chore chart, ie. Hoover the stairs, change cat litter, empty the dishwasher, fold the laundry.

For context he's only 7 and it's evolving as he gets more confident. He can make a substantial amount on top of his basic rate when he wants something 🤣

I think there's a middle way here. Growing up, I had a fixed amount of pocket money. I also had chores I was expected to do as part of my contribution to family life. However, there was always a list of things I could do to earn extra money if I wanted to.

We do a mix.

Everyone has jobs to do that are their jobs that are just being part of a household.

Kids get a set amount of pocket money that isn't linked to any jobs.

There are also further jobs available that bring extra money (up to a set maximum) to bring along the concept of getting more for doing more. Kids commit to doing the extra job for a month at a time then they can switch to a different one.

It's always worked well.

No my kids don't get paid to contribute to maintaining our home environment. I think that will send a bad message, especially to the boys. Will they expect their wives to pay them to wash up?

I think that if DH feels like this, then he should have started training your DS to do chores from a young age, as part of the things that we all do for the good of the family. However, now I think it's too late for that, and that giving him money in exchange for chores done, is the right way to go. I would also give him regular chores, that he MUST do each week, for which he gets a set amount of pocket money, but also explain to him that we all have to do some chores for the general good too. So, for example, we all take it in turns to say, set the table/clear the table, empty the dishwasher, that sort of thing, but then every Saturday (or whichever day you chose), he must tidy and dust his room, and put the vacuum cleaner round the living room, for which he'll receive 'X' amount.

Agree. Nobody gets paid to help out in the family home.

It’s part of being a family member and for sure I don’t reward it financially. My kids help with age appropriate tasks like emptying dishwasher, helping tidy their washing. That’s part of family life.
Where does this end if you start paying for a child to help at home?

I have the basics I expect from them as people who live in this house and extras that they can earn money for. Keeping their rooms clean, hanging out some washing, doing the washing up, running a hoover round are basics.

Stuff like cleaning the oven, cutting the grass, washing the car earn them some money. But they do get some pocket money as standard.

My kids get paid to attend school (which includes punctuality and organisation), perform within their expected range and complete homework etc. The amount of support they have to do this depends on their age and of course the amount increases.

If they do not consistently do this, their money will stop until we reestablish the agreement and they keep to their part of the bargain. Only one child has ever got to that stage and it was for about three weeks.

Basic plus commission for any chores done.

I have yet to introduce the idea of pocket money but will probably do this for DC.

Obviously not to be put in such terms for DC😄

I mostly agree with your DH, we don't give money for chores because we think they should be done because they live in the house and it's fair for everyone to pitch in. We do give money for extras though like cleaning out the fridge or washing cars.

It’s both. Having a clean and nice home space is something they need to learn to provide for themselves. So giving them small things to do to facilitate this with no reward is good. How do you want them to live as an adult? Self sufficient or always looking to others? Or expecting praise for doing the basics?
And as for chores? Small chores for cash is good for this. And honestly? As an employer, please, please do this. Far, far too many young people are attempting to enter to the workplace with no idea that they actually have to…..work?
I’ve been an employer for more than 3 decades and the “failure to launch” I’m seeing now? It sits with the parents.

Ours get a set amount of pocket money each month and they are expected to help with normal chores (laying table, small dog walks, tidying laundry and their bedrooms)

But they can also earn extra for extra jobs eg washing cars / weeding / ironing/ the main dog walk if it's too wet for my wheelchair and DH isn't around . These are the things I would otherwise have to pay someone to do (I am disabled) so it seems right they should be rewarded.

I wouldn’t for basic chores. However if there is something extra I need my DD to do then I might pay for her time. For example maybe we are gardening. I think it’s important for main chores such as doing your bed, cleaning your room, cleaning dishes after yourself etc to be unpaid because you’ve got to do them regardless. And it’s healthy as an adult.

I personally don’t know any parent that pays their children for chores - I thought it was just something that happens on Tv. I give pocket money as a standard that goes into her own account on a monthly basis and it’s up to her to budget it.

Mine are much younger but we do basic pocket money £2 no matter what. They also have basic chores they have to do no matter what. Then they have the chance to do extra chores to earn top ups to their pocket money. We use go Henry and this works for us

Being motivated to work by earning money is hardly going to count against him in life.

I agree with your DH.

Fixed amount of regular pocket money by standing order into bank account to help teach early stages of budgeting, saving for something you want, making sure you have enough left to buy mum and dad a birthday present! DC have all had a debit card since they were 11, with a savings account as well as current account so can add birthday money and transfer their money between accounts as they want.
Bigger savings went into junior ISAs so out of touch.

Unrelated to general household tasks like making bed, setting table, folding washing that everyone has to do as part of family life. This aspect teaching different skills to money so we keep them separate.

I have paid occasionally for extras like washing the car to raise extra pocket money to take on a school trip.

There are some 'chores' that I just expect from my DC (although am frequently disappointed but that's another issue 😂) These are things like keeping bedroom in a decent state, bringing cups and plates downstairs, bringing laundry down, putting clean washing away, making bed, emptying bedroom bin into main bin, wiping over sink, putting plates in dishwasher, tidying up after themselves, feeding cats, take out recycling etc etc.

Then there are other non-standard chores that I would give them a bit of money for. This might be a full clean of the bathroom/en suite/other toilet, clean kitchen, vacuuming/dusting other rooms in house, washing car, mowing lawn, weeding garden. But our strict rule is that they only get the opportunity to earn money for chores if they do the standard chores first.

Pocket money is separate. They get a very modest amount of pocket money a week and it's not linked to chores.