To be so angry sorting out my parents stuff

[DazedorBemused]

I've just cleared another carload of stuff from my parents attic. They were born either side of WW2, and talked. Talked so much about rationing, poverty, striking, unions, etc.
My brother was occasionally ill as a child. To compensate he had fancy Lego, computers when they first came out, hand held video games.
The contrast between his pricy toys and my enjoy your family board game type stuff is obvious.
Then my parents got into collecting stuff - porcelain, dinner services, up scaled their Christmas decorations again and again.

I'm sorting through all this stuff and finding receipts for expensive trivial stuff in the early 90s when I was at uni, working two term time jobs and full-time in the holidays and I'm a 50 year old woman upset at having to go to the tip again.

As I said, it was nasty. There's no 'in fairness'.

If the advice to seek professional help is so valid and useful, that makes it even more important to ensure it's not delivered in a twatty way.

A life time of being the non golden child or feeling your parents didn't value you is not going to be addressed by a vent on MN or anywhere else. It is beyond the normal stages of grief feelings and it wouldn't even be appropriate or safe for someone to go into the necessary depth on a public forum.
You may not like the phrasing but if the feelings are as entrenched and having the impact that the OP suggests then its good advice - the best help is going to be from a therapist not randoms on social media.

Okay but why the need to say "boring on"? That was nasty and uncalled-for.

You sound inexperienced in bereavement and grief. It is a natural process to work through with many, often complex and contradictory, emotions. That does not mean the OP is grieving ‘wrong’ and needs therapy. So many posters are too quick to call for therapy for normal, necessary and messy complex human emotions.

And actively unhelpful. Risks putting the person who's the subject of the recommendation on the defensive.

I think you are wrong, actually, and I’m a therapist! I think crowdsourcing one’s experience can be quite valuable as a way of processing it. Just in this thread, aside from the hostile/dismiss/captious comments there have been many personal accounts which may have resonated with OP and many interesting historical and cultural perspectives which may help her.

In this case, I think it is more academic journals and giant law tomes. Useful to the parent in his career but now out of date (and not useful to my friend in any way).

You were nasty and glad your response was deleted

I agree, threads like this with 98% of the posters being empathic and sharing their experiences is brilliantly helpful.

I hated sorting out the family home. My mum had inherited several elderly relatives stuff as well as her own collections and whilst I know she valued them, we don't have the space. Things she Ann my grandparents and great aunts treasured, the crockery sets that won't ever come back into fashion, the EPNS tea and coffee pots that are on,y worth scrap, the glass ware and pomanders and China thimbles and Wade whimsies, Royal Dalton Ladies and embroidered samplers. Crates of stuff.

I’ve had therapy a few times, and still found it helpful to talk things over with friends or other people.

I’m also happy to listen to other people talk about going through a hard time, despite not being a therapist myself.

Some nasty posts, as usual 🙄.

Through posting on sites, many people tease out issues and realise that therapy might help them further.

I cannot stand the posts on here telling people to get a grip for having emotional pain.

OP, in your place I would be telling them to pay someone to do it.
Not a chance would I be doing it.

How childish.

Lots of people have suggested just paying a house clearance company to do it.

Childish? Your post was deleted....🤔

So did I pages back.
But if the OP wants to tease shit out, let her.
Simply don't read the thread if it offends you so much and leave the OP alone to vent....

I feel your pain. Did this recently for my MIL who was a hoarder and her behaviour almost broke the family over the years because she refused to acknowledge the impact it had on her own children and grandchildren. And then clearing out their stuff when they’re infirm or have passed away brings up a whole host of resentments. You are only human and your feelings are perfectly natural but need to be processed. Two things I took from the experience.. I will never leave my children to deal with my stuff. It’s horrendous and very selfish to leave it to them when there is ample opportunity to sort it during your own lifetime. Second, I am not convinced it’s generational. My parents are the same age as my MIL and are the opposite of hoarders. They’re very minimalist. A lot of it is due to personality imo.

I really feel for you!
A lot has already bern written so this is short & not addressing specific points.
But;
Families are often not fair.
There are favourites. These often do very, very little, but get a lot done for them and given to them.
There are the forgotten, ignored and unappreciated. These often do the lion's share of caring, supporting, helping, listening.
There's often no justice in families.
That's the way it is.
So I understand.
It's normal and natural to feel as you do.
When you can, start looking forward to things again.
Be kind to yourself!

@TheignT it's normal to feel angry when your parents haven't been fair. OP can vent away on here as much as she likes. It isn't for you to tell her not to. If you don't like reading other people's thoughts and feelings a chat site probably isn't the best place for you. Maybe go off and listen to soothing music.

This was going to be a reply but it's not. I'm going to keep my own counsel. Hopefully a step away from living voyeueristically on the internet

Why are you doing it? Let your brother do it.

Sometimes it is better to be honest, I'm not the one online slagging off my dead parents.

gosh what a judgemental, crappy comment. OP is grieving. It's not as if anyone will recognise her parents, and her parents are no longer here to read this, so I'm not sure why you think you have to right to shame someone who is clearly feeling a lot of emotions, one of which is anger. She's clearing out her parents' home. It's a hard thing to do. Have some empathy or sod off.

I'm not childish so didn't report you.

I sympathised, I and others gave her good advice. I used the term she used. She doesn't need to be clearing it out, she been advised numerous times to get a clearance company in. No need for anyone to be a martyr.

I didn't report you either, someone else clearly did though eh