To be so angry sorting out my parents stuff

[DazedorBemused]

I've just cleared another carload of stuff from my parents attic. They were born either side of WW2, and talked. Talked so much about rationing, poverty, striking, unions, etc.
My brother was occasionally ill as a child. To compensate he had fancy Lego, computers when they first came out, hand held video games.
The contrast between his pricy toys and my enjoy your family board game type stuff is obvious.
Then my parents got into collecting stuff - porcelain, dinner services, up scaled their Christmas decorations again and again.

I'm sorting through all this stuff and finding receipts for expensive trivial stuff in the early 90s when I was at uni, working two term time jobs and full-time in the holidays and I'm a 50 year old woman upset at having to go to the tip again.

And yet things don't stack up. OK they didn't attend Uni and some of the housing was run down (still a work in progress), but the ones who worked could afford a house with their wages. Food and utilities were cheaper so they could save and go on holidays. They didn't have to stop at one or two DC when they wanted three or more.
I know it will be harder for my DC than it has been for me (to buy a house, afford DC etc.)

If they trace it back to you in any way, you are fined.

I don’t think that was a serious suggestion

You never know on here 🤷🏻‍♀️, people make all sorts of bizarre suggestions.

@ElizaMulvil I'm not a boomer (horrible phrase) - just too young. But your analysis there is bang in historically.

This is a myth. My parents both worked and couldn't have afforded their own flat let alone a house with a yard or garden. Every family I knew was in the same situation - both parents worked but not a chance of getting into property.
Even after a life time of working (which is when most people in every generation are "wealthiest") most people in the UK did not own their own homes. Home ownership rose from less than 30% to just under 40% during the 50s/60s and that included very high occupancy per home. No "bedroom for each child" as considered essential by MN standards. Most of those homes would be two bed max.
As @ElizaMulvil says housing was in shocking state after the war and for at least a couple of decades after. Many homes even in the 60s had no inside loo or bathroom.

As for numbers of children - even in the 60s reliable contraception was gate kept by GPs. My youngest sibling was born because our GP "didn't believe" in contraception despite the fact that she had been advised not to have more children. DM nearly died giving birth - something which crippled the parlous family finances for at least a year as she couldn't work.

The MC rosy experience was the minority not the majority.

But how does any of this relate to the justification, purchase and storage of stuff for decades. This is exactly what my parents bored on about for decades.
Having an outside loo in your childhood does not explain the purchase of limited edition china.

I think it does (or did for my DM). After a lifetime of so little, when in retirement with DC grown up they finally had a bit of disposable income DM (and it was mostly DM) bought into the nonsense from the likes of Franklin mint and Bradfords promising "heirlooms" for the DC. The DP also found it very hard to get rid of such items after a life time of having to eek out the life of every cheap object they owned.

However house clearance companies will take the lot - just because your parents valued something doesn't mean you have to keep it (easier said than done IME). There is no reason why you should spend your time and effort dealing with it, especially if your DB isn't bothering.

I get the impression that this is less about the "stuff" for you than the unequal treatment between you and DB. That is a different issue from the piles of crap issue and its the harder issue to address for most people. Unfortunately we can't ring up brain clearance companies to come and take the crap from our experiences.

Have you considered therapy? It might be better than making yourself feel better by being nasty to strangers on the Internet.

It isn't being nasty. The OP clearly has a lot of anger and going on about it on here isn't helping her, she seems to be getting angrier. Sometimes it is better to be honest, I'm not the one online slagging off my dead parents. Some therapy might help the OP to sort out her feelings which would be better for her in the long run.

I think generally, the people on here getting angry at the OP are those who a) treat one child more favourably than another, b) complain a lot about how skint they are while spending loads of money on absolute shit or c) are hoarders. Or all of the above.

The OP is angry . It's a natural part of the grieving process.

Exactly. Grief is a natural process. Sticking the boot into grieving strangers online is far more therapy-worthy behaviour.

Quite.

I know how difficult the process is.

Remember, you're grieving, and peoples brains can go to funny places during that time.
You're associating the "stuff" with the complicated memories and feelings of always feeling second best, and your annoyance and confusion of feeling left to struggle while you're parents had plenty. And where is your brother during this process? I imagine there's feelings there as well.

I remember, on the one year anniversary of my dads passing, we gathered to spend a weekend in a hotel together. My mum got really angry/upset with me because she'd asked me to get a copy/enlargement of a photo of her and her sisters taken a few months prior, but when I presented it, it wasn't exactly how she wanted. Her anger was so bizarre and out of character for her that I was so confused. She sent me out there and then to hunt down a photo place in a random town I didn't know at all.
The next morning she started crying at how much she missed my dad. Then her strange behaviour over the photo was completely clear.

You're allowed to think whatever feelings you want OP. Just try and rationalise where they're coming from.

I bet you haven't read most of this thread have you

@CruCru
"....... she mustn’t get rid of these things. Despite them not being useful to her in any way."
What you mean is that we all buy too much 'stuff' over the years. A souvenir from a holiday or a picture for the wall. Much of this is not 'useful'. Pictures on walls are not 'useful' as such, but they presumably mean something to the owner or the one who bought it; a reminder of somewhere they went, perhaps.
Obviously, one accumulates a lot of stuff over a lifetime.
(Now that I am retired, I try to limit holiday purchases to consumables, for example, but here I differ from my DH who still insist on buying a picture, for example. Not useful at all)

It isn't being nasty. The OP clearly has a lot of anger and going on about it on here isn't helping her, she seems to be getting angrier. Sometimes it is better to be honest, I'm not the one online slagging off my dead parents. Some therapy might help the OP to sort out her feelings which would be better for her in the long run.

It is being nasty. Maybe venting here is helpful for her, maybe a bit of kindness and support would be comforting for her during a difficult time.

You're coming across as far, far worse than she is. She's in pain. You're just nasty.

A life time of being the non golden child or feeling your parents didn't value you is not going to be addressed by a vent on MN or anywhere else. It is beyond the normal stages of grief feelings and it wouldn't even be appropriate or safe for someone to go into the necessary depth on a public forum.

You may not like the phrasing but if the feelings are as entrenched and having the impact that the OP suggests then its good advice - the best help is going to be from a therapist not randoms on social media.

At any point, he could have said "No"

"Thanks, but you've given me enough already"

"Thanks, but you could put it in savings accounts for the grandkids"

"Thanks, but you need it more than I do - treat yourself"

And all he did was take and take and take at his parents' and sister's expense

Telling a grieving, struggling person they're 'boring on' is nasty.

I think this comment is unkind and uncalled for.

In fairness they were paraphrasing the OP's own words.

Would I have used that phrase? Probably not but it doesn't negate the good advice to seek meaningful help. A rant online might feel temporarily therapeutic and provide entertainment for strangers but it won't help with the feelings and difficulties the OP describes.

Well I’d probably rank the fact that it’s morally abhorrent to do it above the fact you may get caught.