To be so angry sorting out my parents stuff

[DazedorBemused]

I've just cleared another carload of stuff from my parents attic. They were born either side of WW2, and talked. Talked so much about rationing, poverty, striking, unions, etc.
My brother was occasionally ill as a child. To compensate he had fancy Lego, computers when they first came out, hand held video games.
The contrast between his pricy toys and my enjoy your family board game type stuff is obvious.
Then my parents got into collecting stuff - porcelain, dinner services, up scaled their Christmas decorations again and again.

I'm sorting through all this stuff and finding receipts for expensive trivial stuff in the early 90s when I was at uni, working two term time jobs and full-time in the holidays and I'm a 50 year old woman upset at having to go to the tip again.

Neighbours adult children across the road from us skipped a lot of stuff plus some of it they laid out on the drive ( it was summer )and it was surprising how much they got rid of that way . One man's trash another man's treasure .

A friend has a house bursting at the seams because she brought home a lot of stuff from her parents’ house when they died. Her brothers were not particularly helpful but the whole family are in agreement that she mustn’t get rid of these things. Despite them not being useful to her in any way.

That's all their birthday and Christmas presents sorted then!

It's not about parents spending their money as they wish.

It's about favouritism and unequal distribution of love, financial support and expectations.

It's about the emotional load of dealing with valued possessions. That's hard in itself. Add in bereavement. But when that stuff has had decades of inflated value (emotional and perceived financial) that makes it harder. When there's nowhere for that stuff to go on to to be of use, to be of value and even the charity shop struggles to shift it for £1 because they're drowning in a generation of it. Where stuff that should have had value is mouldy, motheaten and a health hazard because it wasn't looked after. When possessions are kept in chaotic conditions so you're trying to find "treasures" in trash. Where the property itself is degrading because it hasn't been looked after. Where quality of life has been affected for decades because of worthless, chaotic possessions.
When rational conversation about it has been blocked for years, and you've been prohibited in breaking it down into managable chunks. When you know that when you pick up a magazine from April 1993, you'll hear your parent's voice in your head saying "but I haven't read that article yet". And those decades of procrastination, denial and emotion are lumped on to the next generation at their hardest emotional level.
That is worth anger.

I don't care what DM spends her money on. A great life on theatre trips, meals out, socialising. Great. Genuinely great. I don't mind her buying stuff that brings a glow of happiness. But the line is when that stuff is past use, broken, out-dated, out-grown, rotten and it's been hoarded for years, with offers to help blocked and the problem has been kicked down the lines for decades until they're too frail to deal with it, then eventually too dead. When you go into the house and there's a "new" piece of furniture from the clear out of Margaret's mum's house or a "bargain" at the charity shop, but she still won't clear out the chair that collapsed in 2004 because it's OK if you delicately put your weight over the right leg and don't lean back.

And then when the house is finally empty, how to make it sellable after decades of neglect? Do we pool together and put time and money in to strip out and replace the threadbare carpets the same age as middle-aged me? Do we take a potential loss of (£)££,£££ because the house is not fit to be lived in straight away and needs to be sold at "development opportunity" prices rather than a family home.

Wartime childhoods, rationing and abundance later in life are a perfect cocktail for hoarding disorder, which is as harmful as other disorders like eating disorders or addictions like alcoholism. But it's less understood. Really it's about control. The illusion of controlling the items and the perception of stability. But the house of cards of this disordered lifestyle falls most heavily on the descendents who have to clear up the aftermath.

This whole thread makes me sad.
Some people on here are slagging off their parents because they pleaded poverty but aload of ornaments etc has been found in attic.
A lot of this stuff may have been presents over 40-50years.
Older people were not in Costa every week, using an expensive mobile phone, driving two cars usually people carriers, going on holidays abroad.
You get the picture. Things 'were' probably difficult.
What did some of you want your parents to live in a bare house and not have anything nice just so you don't have to clear it out for eight months.

I appreciate you've caveated "some" but I think what's been fairly common amongst those of us having a grumble is that we have had guilt and obligation foisted upon us due to sentimentality or perceived but non-existent value. "You won't just throw all this out will you?". Well what else am I supposed to do with it? So we don't have a constructive conversation because she gets upset and carried on like an ostrich.

She can live however she likes, but she needs to be conscious of the implications.

(Plus there's a chasm of space in between the state of a lot of houses described here and a "bare" home.

Yeah I totally get that.
I know I would find it very difficult but would pay a 'recycling' house clearance company to come in so I feel less guilt that I am throwing stuff away and wasting it and also I wouldn't have to do it.

Yes. This is how I feel after clearing out my Dad's house. I'm determined my daughter wont have to sort through the amount of clutter that I had too.

This is incredibly insightful, moving and relatable. My mum isn't a full blown hoarder but everything you mention rings so true I can hear her voice saying these things. And all of it, the mess, the clutter, the boxes that stop her being able to access her fridge in a straight line from her cooker are somehow essential.

When she downsized post divorce we found four copies of the same Spanish to English dictionary. She had to carefully check them to make sure that she only needed one. Reader, she hasn't consulted reference books in over a decade and is fully digital. We had to throw stuff out behind her back or she'd still bloody be there.

It's easier when there's no emotional attachment. People have feelings of guilt because the person they loved may have thought this old crap was valuable. Whereas someone with no connection can look just as whether there's any resale potential.

Sounds like my mum's bungalow. Mum couldn't go into a shop without buying something. She also bought things to put away for Christmas and Birthday presents but then forgot about them. My step dad bought tools - I've never come across so many screw drivers, drill bits etc as there were in the bungalow. The daft thing was he never did any DIY but always got a handyman in. Maybe it was one of those things he'd always liked to have done but didn't have the confidence to do. That thought makes me quite sad.

They hoarded out their houses with expensive subscriptions to magazines they barely glanced at, expensive magazine 'part works', subscriptions for 'limited edition' Franklin Mint, London Mint, Wedgwood, Royal Doulton - add your bane of existence here

They paid over the odds for mass produced tat, sold to them on the promise that they could hand down these modern heirlooms to future generations

Like Pokemon said "Gotta catches all"

Space and money wasted on 'stuff' which cost a damn sight more than a Costa

They could have done so much more with all that time space and money

Yeah but I'm sure we all waste money in non essential stuff all the time.
I totally feel your pain.
Just order a recycling clearance company so stuff is not wasted and you don't do work.

I'd settle for:
Safe
Clean
Functional

All rooms accessible
All furniture usable

Important items stored with logic so they can be identified and used appropriately.
Rubbish binned frequently (junk mail, packaging, stuff broken beyond use)

Not 35+ years of domestic landfill stashed in a house with that's been treated with sacred reverence. Tainted by cat waste (60+ years of smoking means she can't smell it). A cellar full of "laundry" mouldy semi-rotted rags on a damp floor.

Where she has got valuables such as jewellery, it's hidden so burglars can't grab the lot and run. That will mean going through everything in certain rooms, or risking it being dumped off in armfuls of textiles for rags.

I'm no minimalist. My domestic skills are a hard-won battle from a childhod with sentinental guilting over stuff and no guidence . But things are orderly. They have function (including the pleasure of aesthetics), they have suitable storage. Junk is cleared out. My children won't be facing a massive guilt-trip over useless, ruined possessions finally clearing out. My running magazines are restricted to one box and weeded through when it's full, they will be free to tip the lot into a skip/ recycling without my voice echoing in their heads "nooo! I haven't read the Best Running Shoe Review 2015 yet!" They won't be clearing out every item of clothing/ toys they ever had, because I've tried to be pragmatic about what I can reasonably own and keep (the magazines have been sorted by running plans of longer term interest)
I don't want their primary thoughts about my ineviable mortality to be "shit, how the hell do we clear out the house?" because I refused to do anything about it for decades before hitting a crisis point.
They're welcome to pick any favourites from my cabinet of random nick nacks, and at least when they're charity shopped for £1, there's no disappointment at their lack of value. Ironically they'll have a chance at some novelty value rather than having been mass produced "collectors items" deluging the shops.

Unfortunately the epic scale of DM's stuff doesn't genuinely bring her happiness. It's a large house but she has the functional space of a 1 bed flat. Really it's a stressful burden that complicates life but she can't actually admit that openly. The reality is it has impaired her quality of life for many years, and has reached the stage of the house being so dysfunctional that I can not bring my family for a visit.

I'm really sorry, @BogRollBOGOF, that sounds terribly hard. I'm sure you're right when you say that hoarding was made worse by living through rationing and then abundance. It's so clear from your description that it's a mental illness and like so many MH conditions it starts as an extreme version of normal behaviour and then ends up out of control.

My friend’s mum has gone into a care home. She’s got to quickly clear it now because the council funded the care for a few weeks and she is now paying it as mum had no savings. She can’t pay it indefinitely so she needs to sell the house. It’s a big job.

My ILs don’t want to declutter. They have so much stuff from when there 50-something children were kids, like electrical equipment long since broken. They can’t bring themselves to get rid and their kids will 100% be dealing with it.

We got a house clearance for my grans house and it was heartbreaking how much could not be donated or sold and simply went to the tip.

Lots of emotional baggage as well Op. Best wishes and hopefully you'll get through it before too long..

I'm so sorry @BogRollBOGOF - if it's worth anything, you write beautifully about this. (I'm another one who has imposed order and structures and regular clean-outs after seeing my parents becoming too similar to the Junk Lady in Labyrinth for my liking).

It isn’t just ‘stuff’ though is it, and of course OP is attaching significance to it, what else would you expect her to do in this situation. Her brothers expensive toys and games are clear indicators that he was favoured. She has every reason to be angry and upset at not being treated equally, especially about the occasion when she needed support at Uni and her parents clearly had the money to help her out but didn’t.
You said, ”Is it possible you felt overlooked?” obviously she did because she was overlooked!
I’m not surprised she’s hurt and angry, and now she’s the one left with the task of clearing all the painful memories from the loft.
My children are grown up and have flown the nest, but I still spend the same amount on each of them at Christmas and birthdays just as I always have.
I really feel for OP and I think you are making light of a situation which is gut wrenching for OP.

Me too, some of the vitriol on here is disgraceful
a few have said they’ve had to empty houses when parents have died or gone into care, so presumably probably been very old or incapable. how on earth do they expect elderly parents to empty lofts, garages out etc, conveniently just before they pop their clogs so you don’t have to bother. Has it ever passed their mind to have offered to help ageing parents over previous years, if not decades, to slim back on possessions etc….but why should they bother, just sit it out and wait for the inheritance no doubt.

inflated value (emotional and perceived financial) that makes it harder. When there's nowhere for that stuff to go on to to be of use, to be of value and even the charity shop struggles to shift it for £1 because they're drowning in a generation of it. Where stuff that should have had value is mouldy, motheaten and a health hazard because it wasn't looked after. When possessions are kept in chaotic conditions so you're trying to find "treasures" in trash.

Even when stuff in good nick if it's out of fashion can be hard to shift. First house we bought a lovely side board was left - we needed the space for our things so it had to go - furniture charities all decline it as no one wants that in the smaller houses their clients had. In end left it out and either rag and bone bang took it or someone else - other option was to slowly break it up and dispose of.

My Mum and MIL both have highly polished large tables - we have an Ikea table that fit much better in space we have so won't want them - plus it will cost money to move them round country - kids will likely still be in rented.

My Mum has stuff from my DGP - Dad parents - that she was implored to keep - she still has some of my siblings stuff despite them having their own houses and she has her stuff. Mum on tip of thing house is lovely ands she trying to cull down - but it will still be a huge thing to sort.

I've started to see articles mainly from USA where older generations are upset wen they try downsizing their kids often in rented or smaller properties often some distance away don't want huge old fashioned pieced of furniture or their 3 pieces china services.

Houses of hoarder will be much worse. We watch CuriosityIncorporated on you tube where he done a few hoarder houses - he picks carefully and has the contacts - and isn't emotionally invested in the house and items - he does make money but the amount of work can be a lot and he's not doing it round a "normal job" most of the time it is the main job.

I think many of us are saying - go though take the sentimental items you can manage and then if you can pay for house clearance.

Even if it costs a fair bit - it going to take less emotional toll and when you add up the time and money it you'll likely not be that far out of wack. It's emotional labour and time and in our society that is often dismissed as nothing but can have a huge cost over prolonger periods and like packing for moving is often massively under estimated.

There should be much less guilt attached to it as an option.

Some amazing posts today. I'm comforted by several of you living the same story. The confusion of emotion and meaning layered into possessions.

Much of my parents stuff was not about stuff it was about them working out who they were. They scoffed at therapy, anyone who paid to talk either had too much money or not enough friends. So for example books, they had to have some but not too many. Set of encyclopaedias because that made them clever. But not too many non-fiction books because would make them a bit university professor and they were people who did stuff, not a pointless thinking job.for the bourgeoisie.
They were rich enough to buy books because only poor people or maybe the secure middle classes used the library or lazy people who never opted for overtime on a Saturday.

Once you get every category in the house full of double meanings and projections sorting through is exhausting. And my parents absolutely talked through every single aspect of their purchases so I don't need to hear from anyone worried about being judged about buying a mountain bike.
If you are buying the bike because you will ride it, fine. If you are buying it because you forgot you lied & made up that your childhood scooter was requisitioned and melted down for the war effort. No. And you spend 10k, cos you can, and it will sit in a shed not to be used till it rots but it's worth a lot of money and the paperwork is in the spare room and the original packaging. I say no. Be better. Be more fun.

Well said.
I was grateful that my parents had a ‘clear out’ years before they passed away because in their words “we don’t want the job to fall on you when we’re gone”.
However they had certain ornaments, keepsakes, vases, a special dinner service etc which they tried to make me promise I would keep after they were gone. These things were special to them but of no monetary value, and meant nothing of sentiment to me. But they sat in my loft for over 10 years and when I moved home they had to go, because it would eventually be my kids who have to clear them out. My loft is totally empty, that’s how it will stay.

Few years ago my then 10 yo DS really wanted a special coin from London Mint. It wasn’t hugely expensive and he spent some of his own money towards it. But my god did they hounded us afterwards! I had to phone/email (I can’t remember which one it was) and have very strong words to take our details off from all of their marketing lists. I had completely forgotten about that until reading this list.

I’m sure some of this older generation felt powerless against these vultures too, it was probably easier to go along with the standing order rather than appear “rude”. Would explain why some have them still in their boxes, stashed in the loft.