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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Tell them about our holiday

98 replies

Cantthinkofnametouse · 28/01/2025 05:11

DH and I are thinking of booking a holiday that we know his parents also mentioned is somewhere they want to do. In short we don’t want them to come with us. This very much WE decision they can be nice people but just hard work with different morals. If we all they will want to spend all our time together.

point of post would it be unreasonable to book said holiday and just not tell them it’s too late for them to join us, I feel a little guilty knowing it’s something they want to do.

yabu they won’t be here forever let them enjoy a holiday with you

yanbu don’t tell them go enjoy your holiday

OP posts:
Hazeby · 28/01/2025 06:55

Just go somewhere else. There are literally hundreds of lovely places in the world to visit. Why pick the one that’s going to bring you a load of stress and worry?

user1492757084 · 28/01/2025 06:56

Can you suggest that PIL go on holiday and help them find a great deal a month earlier than you? Ask them to notice whether there are quiet, romantic activities that you and DH might enjoy. Could they be observant as to whether the destination would suit you.

Then take in all their feedback once they return and AMAZINGLY you are able to book something for the following month. You get back. Thanks PIL, it was the perfect secluded holiday for two.

So you get to go. They get to go and you inform them ofthe type of private holiday you need and enjoy.

Choccyscofffy · 28/01/2025 06:57

They have the time and money to go. If they want to go, they will book it.

It’s not your job to be their holiday companions.

Are they retired?

Definitely do not tell them!

Postitnotess · 28/01/2025 06:57

Hazeby · 28/01/2025 06:55

Just go somewhere else. There are literally hundreds of lovely places in the world to visit. Why pick the one that’s going to bring you a load of stress and worry?

Or OP could ask her husband to keep quiet? And not tell the in laws until they're actually on holiday or after the holiday. The in laws have had decades to visit wherever this place is. Nothing is stopping them from going in the future unless they can't afford it (and if that's the case then they need to save up).

JustAskingThisQ · 28/01/2025 07:00

CharlotteUnaNatalieThompson · 28/01/2025 06:51

I'm bemused at the suggestion that the OP is doing something wrong by booking a holiday to a place her in laws have said they wanted to go to.

It's not like there's only a finite number of holidays to each place and the op going will stop them also going.

Her in laws are perfectly welcome to arrange their own holiday to the same location. Just not expect to invite themselves on someone else's holiday.

I have a hunch that the attraction to that place is more about the fact the parents want to go there and she doesn't want them to. It's a way of seeing if partner will choose her or parents. This situation wouldn't ask the same questions of the partner if they went somewhere totally different and unattractive to the parents. It has to be somewhere the parents WANT to go so the OP can see if partner will leave his parents out and go with her where they'd love to go (maybe specifically with him).

Choccyscofffy · 28/01/2025 07:01

Ellie1015 · 28/01/2025 06:05

If it is somewhere you know they want to go then it is a bit weird to book and ask them not to come. I would book a different holiday.

Some holidays are on everybody’s top 10. It’s ridiculous to say only PIL can go to a destination.

No one is stopping PIL from going.

BarbaraHoward · 28/01/2025 07:03

Postitnotess · 28/01/2025 06:57

Or OP could ask her husband to keep quiet? And not tell the in laws until they're actually on holiday or after the holiday. The in laws have had decades to visit wherever this place is. Nothing is stopping them from going in the future unless they can't afford it (and if that's the case then they need to save up).

Show quote history

It would be so so weird if we didn't tell our parents that we'd booked a holiday until we were actually there or back home. Just not the dynamic at all. Some parents would be very hurt by this I think. A conversation is a better idea.

CharlotteUnaNatalieThompson · 28/01/2025 07:03

JustAskingThisQ · 28/01/2025 07:00

I have a hunch that the attraction to that place is more about the fact the parents want to go there and she doesn't want them to. It's a way of seeing if partner will choose her or parents. This situation wouldn't ask the same questions of the partner if they went somewhere totally different and unattractive to the parents. It has to be somewhere the parents WANT to go so the OP can see if partner will leave his parents out and go with her where they'd love to go (maybe specifically with him).

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That's a bit of a leap 🤣

Bekindmyarse · 28/01/2025 07:05

DeepFatFried · 28/01/2025 05:41

I would encourage them to book and go, and then you go the year after.

This!

JustAskingThisQ · 28/01/2025 07:07

CharlotteUnaNatalieThompson · 28/01/2025 07:03

That's a bit of a leap 🤣

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I'd like to think so but I know people like this. And sadly it's mostly women. They constantly set up situations for friends and partners where they have to "choose" them or someone/something else. They create situations where it's either/or and then judge and punish the person for their choice. A lot of the time they're not even aware that it's a test. They think they're genuinely being asked what they'd like to do at the weekend....they're not. They're being tested to see if they'll choose what their partner would prefer without prompting, or if they're a selfish abusive partner who doesn't care about them at all(!)

Hazeby · 28/01/2025 07:07

Postitnotess · 28/01/2025 06:57

Or OP could ask her husband to keep quiet? And not tell the in laws until they're actually on holiday or after the holiday. The in laws have had decades to visit wherever this place is. Nothing is stopping them from going in the future unless they can't afford it (and if that's the case then they need to save up).

Show quote history

Well, sure but then they have to lie, and make sure they don’t let it slip, and then deal with the in-laws reaction to the secrecy……none of which makes for a nice relaxing holiday. Why not just go somewhere else and avoid all the hassle?

SardinesOnGingerbread · 28/01/2025 07:09

JustAskingThisQ · 28/01/2025 07:07

I'd like to think so but I know people like this. And sadly it's mostly women. They constantly set up situations for friends and partners where they have to "choose" them or someone/something else. They create situations where it's either/or and then judge and punish the person for their choice. A lot of the time they're not even aware that it's a test. They think they're genuinely being asked what they'd like to do at the weekend....they're not. They're being tested to see if they'll choose what their partner would prefer without prompting, or if they're a selfish abusive partner who doesn't care about them at all(!)

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You know some odd people then. I've literally not met anyone who does this, and I'm not young. It sounds like you've been on close terms with a few?

ChannelFiveDrama · 28/01/2025 07:10

What I imagine the PIlLs might not like is seeing the place they want to go through the eyes of their son and DIL rather than their own. Especially if you're likely to post lots of photos on social media for example.

A lot also depends on whether this is their dream once in a lifetime destination or just on a wish list for the future. Also have they the financial means to go and if so what's held them back? They don't have holding rights over countries of the world in case they ever get around to visiting.

You can of course go wherever you want and they will have to just deal with it. If it's going to cause hassle or upset you will need to weigh that against your own particular desire to go to the same place.

Also is it Japan? The world and their partner seems to be going there at the mo!

JustAskingThisQ · 28/01/2025 07:13

SardinesOnGingerbread · 28/01/2025 07:09

You know some odd people then. I've literally not met anyone who does this, and I'm not young. It sounds like you've been on close terms with a few?

Show quote history

Yeah I do. I think some people normalise that sort of testing and see it as part of a relationship. I've definitely seen a lot of "do this and see how he will react" on here. That's essentially a test and along the lines of what I'm talking about. It's basically "see how much he's into you by seeing if he does x,y,z".

Shelby2010 · 28/01/2025 07:21

Are PIL likely to go there on their own? If not, why not?

It also depends if this is their dream destination or just a resort they liked the look of.

Best thing would be for them to go first.

EdithBond · 28/01/2025 07:23

How does your DH feel about it? They’re his parents. Depends on the context. Do they usually go away together? Do you have kids they want to spend quality time with? Has either of the parents been unwell recently? Is it somewhere they’ve suggested you all go to together and you’ve not wanted to? Have you always wanted to go there or is it they who’ve given you the idea?

I imagine you don’t have many holidays each year as a couple. You’re entitled to have some time off together without PIL tagging along. It’s important for your relationship. If you really want to go to that particular place, your DH must explain this to them, though not mention exactly where you’re staying. Or could you book an apartment or house rather than an hotel, so they can’t book the same place?

If they’re so hurt not to be invited that they stop speaking to him over it, then frankly that’s not acceptable behaviour, so I wouldn’t be bothered by it. If they book to go at exactly the same time and insist on meeting up, maybe just restrict it to one day and a dinner or two as a compromise.

Redcandlescandal · 28/01/2025 07:29

I just wouldn’t tell them at all. If it’s say Crete, tell them you are going to the Algarve (or somewhere you know they will hate) and make it very last minute just in case.

Then just stick to it. Why do they need to know?

stormacoming · 28/01/2025 07:33

OverthinkingOlive · 28/01/2025 06:11

Just bloody tell them they're not coming! I travel solo and whenever a friend let's me know they're going to come too it's a firm "no thanks mate, I prefer to travel solo. No offence but it's not just you literally nobody is invited".

Why can't people just be honest? So what if they don't like it, not your problem!

It's not that simple though is it? You can't actually stop people from booking the same trip. It sounds like the OP's in laws are pretty bullish and will just do as they please without any thought to what OP/her DH actually want.

MySweetGeorgina · 28/01/2025 07:35

Yabu (a little bit) to book exactly the holiday they dream of ..,

there is a whole world out there (literally)

booking the exact place they talk and dream of going, and then also keeping it a secret is just a bit shitty somehow

go literally anywhere else it’s not hard

Adamante · 28/01/2025 07:37

DeepFatFried · 28/01/2025 05:41

I would encourage them to book and go, and then you go the year after.

This. I know we are all told to just do whatever we want with no regard for parents or in laws “selfish” feelings here on MN, , but why go looking for trouble? It’s an obvious snub. Go somewhere else this year, maintain cordial relationships with your in laws. Surely the preferred outcome?

allthemiddlechildrenoftheworld · 28/01/2025 07:43

@Cantthinkofnametouse just tell them 3 days before and say you got a last minute deal

Original poster
Cantthinkofnametouse · 28/01/2025 07:45

Adamante · 28/01/2025 07:37

This. I know we are all told to just do whatever we want with no regard for parents or in laws “selfish” feelings here on MN, , but why go looking for trouble? It’s an obvious snub. Go somewhere else this year, maintain cordial relationships with your in laws. Surely the preferred outcome?

Edited
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This is my thought, it’s part of the world i really want to see so will go at some point. My hope is they book for this year and we can go next I think. I will just look for somewhere else we want to go

OP posts:
FozzieWozzieWasABear · 28/01/2025 07:50

Cantthinkofnametouse · 28/01/2025 07:45

This is my thought, it’s part of the world i really want to see so will go at some point. My hope is they book for this year and we can go next I think. I will just look for somewhere else we want to go

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If they do go this year they might like it so much that they’ll want to go with you again whenever you go so you’ll have the same dilemma.

Start setting boundaries now, either subtly or bluntly, that when you do go, you’ll be going alone and not with them.

DrFosterWentToGloucester23 · 28/01/2025 07:56

rookiemere · 28/01/2025 06:06

YANBU but I am intrigued by what different morals on holiday looks like.

For me this could be a refusal to tip when I tip generously. Or someone who thinks it’s ok to overload multiple plates at an all you can an eat buffet but then leave plates of uneaten food on the table as they’ve ‘paid for it’. Lots of people do it but I think food waste on a large scale is immoral. Both these things would annoy me if I was eating with people most meals for a week. As a one off, I would bite my tongue.

People who put a towel on a sun bed to ‘reserve it’ at 6am and then bugger off all day to the beach is another holiday behaviour I feel is immoral … I think I could list more!

Postitnotess · 28/01/2025 07:58

BarbaraHoward · 28/01/2025 07:03

It would be so so weird if we didn't tell our parents that we'd booked a holiday until we were actually there or back home. Just not the dynamic at all. Some parents would be very hurt by this I think. A conversation is a better idea.

Show quote history

I'd happily tell my parents about my holiday plans because they wouldn't be weird and demand to go on holiday with me. They also wouldn't get angry if I planned to go to a place they'd always wanted to go to but haven't bothered to. OP's in laws sound weird so it would be best to keep quiet about the holiday.