To think my relationship could potentially be manipulative/controlling?

[Ahsoka2001]

I was unsure whether to post this here as I feared I might get some harsh comments, but I'm at the point where I'm so overwhelmed I just need to get it all in writing and out for someone to read. Please be kind in the comments - I already know I'm an idiot.

To preface, I'm a man, 23 years old. My girlfriend is 21.

I've been with her for 15 months. Things were great for the first few months -- that was, until I found out the full extent of her beliefs. For context, we're both Christian, but she comes from a much more fundamentalist branch of the Church which thinks that the Bible describes the past literally. She believes that God made the world in 7 literal days around 6,000 years ago, evolution is a lie, and homosexuality is a sin. Not only that - she's said that the man she'll eventually marry must share all these beliefs. She's sort of implicitly given me an ultimatum, that unless I adopt these ideas I can't be the one for her. She didn't make this clear until around 5 months into dating.

I've talked with her so many times about it and there's simply zero room for compromise or middle ground. I tried explaining that the 7 days could represent millions of years, etc but she has never budged - I have to believe every detail exactly as she does. She's begun to pray for God to "make me into a Godly gentleman for her" (this is in front of me while I'm sitting next to her).

Another big issue is what I believe might be controlling behavior. I'm a big film buff, and she's always saying that certain movies with sex, nudity or homosexual themes bother her. Last Summer I wanted to go to the cinema to watch the movie "Carol" (on my own). When I got into town she texted me saying, "The movie kinda bothers me" and then explained that we shouldn't watch films that portray homosexuality in a positive light so we can "keep a pure mind". She'd known for days I wanted to see this movie and gave no indication that she'd have an issue so this caught me very off-guard and I was in a bit of a tight spot. Not wanting to cause conflict, I turned round and went back home. I know, I'm stupid.

There are certain other things I've done that have bothered her, which I believe are VERY normal things that millions of people do. For example, I went to Notting Hill Carnival with two uni friends last summer. It wasn't till weeks later my girlfriend tells me it really bothered her cause "that's a place single people go to to look at girls in skimpy clothing" and "that's the kinda event we should've gone to together if we were gonna get married." She was also really bothered when I briefly met a Hollywood actress at the London Film Festival last year (I asked her a question at her Q+A event). My girlfriend said, "I always put all my energy into you so it bothered me when you used some of your energy on another woman" (??). I still have no idea what she meant. She's (apparently) OK with me having female friends but not OK with me having a 30-second conversation with a Hollywood actress who's twice my age and married with kids? I was made to feel really guilty for doing something...totally normal? Right?

I know you're probably reading this thinking, "Why are you in a relationship with this person?" and that I'm an idiot. Maybe you're right. I was just so smitten early on, it made it harder to consider breaking it off once I was "in deep" learning about the full extent of her beliefs. It doesn't help that this is the first time a girl was ever interested in me beyond friendship.

Sorry for the vent. I just really wanted to talk to someone about this relationship. I'm feeling very overwhelmed with it right now.

I'd be doing a runner if I were you. She sounds very controlling.

That's what I'm thinking :( It's just taken me so long to get to this point cause I was "blinded by love" in the beginning and quite some time after.

You're only young, get out of the relationship now - it will only get worse, particularly if you got married or had children.

I personally couldn't be with someone with her views but regardless of that, she sounds too much.

Yeah, she’s abusing you. This is classic coercive control. Run like the wind.

Ask yourself, if she's like this now and you're not married, what will she be like in 10 years once you're married and have children. Do you want your kids to follow their mothers strict beliefs? What will happen if you disagreed?

You're still very young and it seems like your gut instincts are telling you something. Don't doubt yourself or your instincts ever.

If you were my child, I would say get rid. She's controlling and manipulative. She wants you to believe her beliefs are the only way and even prays for you to be a 'better man' and in front of you as well??? She has jealous tendencies, doesn't like you speaking to female actresses for 30 seconds. This could potentially manifest to not allowing you to have female friends in the future. She's trying to change you.

You need to find someone on your wavelength for the relationship to last. She's not the one.

Oh Dear. End this Right Now, Young Man. This defo controlling &, I ‘m Afraid, Abusive! Be aware of anything that she could accuse you of, pick a Public place to say,” I don’t think this is working”, then Run Don’t Walk Away!! NOW !!!

I agree :( I'm curious though, what do you mean by be aware of what she could accuse me of?

To be honest I’m not sure it’s strictly controlling as she is expressing dislike of various things but doesn’t seem to be punishing you in any way.

However what is clear is that she has far far more conservative religious values than you and you’re just not suitable as a couple. End it and look for partners you are both better suited to.

She doesn’t love you as you are.

She might love the version of you she manipulates and moulds you into.

Could you spend the rest of your life not being you, but instead being someone else’s puppet?

You don't share core values and beliefs, time to move on.

She subscribes to a pretty controlling belief system, tbh. I don’t think that necessarily makes her abusive, but it does mean your values and expectations are compatible. You can end the relationship on those grounds. Or on any grounds.

End it. For all of the above reasons end it and never look back.

To add another reason - would you want your children raised in that church? If you stay that’s what will happen

She is free to believe what she does. She is free to want to find a long term partner who shares her views pretty much.
You don't and you are free to believe what you believe in.
You are free to move on.
She's being up front and honest.
You know where you stand.
You are not a great match.
Find someone else.

This relationship can't work. Although you're both religious, she is extreme, and you're not.

Her beliefs are so rigid and strict that nothing you do will ever make her happy. You obviously don't believe what she does, and you can't force someone to believe in something that they don't.

She's preventing you from doing the things you enjoy (which are totally harmless) and doesn't like you talking to or being around other women. She's very unreasonable and controlling.

Honestly, she sounds terrifying.

Run and don't look back!!!

She made him feel like he couldn't go and watch a movie so he turned around and went home. Of course it's controlling.

When certain women are rejected or hurt, they tell lies and make accusations about the person who rejected them in order to ruin their reputation or to spite them, and make themselves out to be the victim.

These lies can be very harmful and life destroying. i.e you sexually assaulted or hit them. Or the more basic, you cheated on them etc.

In all honesty I think the OP’s lack of boundaries is equally at play here. Since 5 months in he has known that she won’t marry someone who has different beliefs to her, she has made it completely clear. As much as he has tried to get her to change HER beliefs to accommodate him, she has declined (as is her right).

He could have decided to say “Actually this is a movie I want to see so while I’m sorry it bothers you, I am going to see it.” That might have caused a conflict but it would have been an informative one, as it might have made it more apparent that they are fundamentally unsuited to each other.

She has no financial or physical hold over him, they don’t have kids, don’t live together. Yes, he cares for her (as she presumably does him as she has not ended the relationship) but at the end of the day, if the only reason he doesn’t stand up for himself is that he doesn’t want the relationship to end, he is not really being controlled. He has agency, he just doesn’t want to accept that exercising it will bring to light irreconcilable differences.

You're not the one for her, and she's not the one for you. That's okay, but you have to take the leap now you're at the point of realising, and end it. If you don't, you'll end up married, and having children, with someone who believes homosexuality is wrong and that the earth is 6000 years old.. Is that really what you want your kids to grow up believing?

It really doesn't matter what she believes though.

What's really important here is she thinks it is perfectly reasonable, and realistic, to change someones core beliefs, change who that person is, in order to 'make them' into an acceptable partner.

That isn't how this works. You accept your partner for who they are, right here and now, not who they might be later on. If they wish to change things about their behaviour or life, and ask for support in doing that - thats one thing, but trying to manipulate someone into changing...

Well thats probably whats behind half the divorces across the world really!

Run away. This woman doesn't love you. She loves herself, and she loves what she thinks she can mould, manipulate and co-erce you into, given time.

What's really important here is she thinks it is perfectly reasonable, and realistic, to change someones core beliefs, change who that person is, in order to 'make them' into an acceptable partner.

The OP obviously wants her to change her beliefs too. He said:

I've talked with her so many times about it and there's simply zero room for compromise or middle ground. I tried explaining that the 7 days could represent millions of years, etc but she has never budged - I have to believe every detail exactly as she does.

He is trying to get her to change her beliefs to fit his so the relationship can work and she is trying to do the same. She was really clear about what she wants, which should be a cue for him to say “Hey, you are really great but I am not that person and never will be. All the best.” Instead he is hanging around in the hope that she is going to change the person she has repeatedly said she is.

I really feel for you OP. She sounds impossible to live with. And actually scary.

You sound like you know it has to end. In time I think you'll meet someone else, much more on your wavelength and you'll be truly happy and look back at this person and wonder how you coped.

Definitely leave.. Good luck

Sounds almost like extremism. We went to a church like this and left. I'd walk away if I were you, she is going to change because it's ingrained into her, it sounds like she doesn't know how to think for herself, she's just doing what she was told.

No, she isn’t a good match for you. she’d be similarly controlling with any joint kids you had after marriage and that would be a big source of conflict.
I would just end the relationship and say that your values are not aligned.

The issue isn’t that she believes what she does (which she is entitled to do, and I think you’re in dodgy territory if you are taking the stance that your views are objectively correct and she is in the wrong - neither of you are), the issue is that you don’t share fundamental values. Stop trying to change her, and stop resenting that she’s expressing her opinion and beliefs. Just as she should accept that you have your own separate opinions and beliefs that won’t be changing. You’re not compatible. You need to leave.

I may have a slightly different perspective because I was brought up similar and dating in that setting is just so different to any other setting. I don't think that she's necessarily controlling however I don't think you are compatible. When you grow up in a strict church like her it will be her whole entire world, she will be there multiple times a week and her entire friendship circle, family and everything she knows will be there. To walk away from that is a massive deal as you essentially lose your whole support system. It is put upon her from birth that she should be marrying someone within that system and then they should be in fellowship in that church as a family. Whilst people are less often 'cut off' these days most of the socialisation happens at church events so they naturally are out of the circle.

For thst reason you are 'unequally yoked'. You have less conservative views and perhaps go to a more open church where Christianity is important but not so all encompassing. If you consider the future it would be expected that you would probably be in fellowship at the same church as man and wife and you both have very different ideas of what that church should be. If you really loved each other and wanted to be together above all else you could absolutely find a compromise but I'm not convinced from your op that you feel that way. You are so young and there will be someone else that feels for you in that way if this just doesn't feel right.

It's quite unusual to date for 18 months in that world without some discussions of the future. For reference I was married at 20 after 1 year dating and 1 year engaged. We left our very strict church after a few years married but it was an incredibly difficult thing to do.