To think my relationship could potentially be manipulative/controlling?

[Ahsoka2001]

I was unsure whether to post this here as I feared I might get some harsh comments, but I'm at the point where I'm so overwhelmed I just need to get it all in writing and out for someone to read. Please be kind in the comments - I already know I'm an idiot.

To preface, I'm a man, 23 years old. My girlfriend is 21.

I've been with her for 15 months. Things were great for the first few months -- that was, until I found out the full extent of her beliefs. For context, we're both Christian, but she comes from a much more fundamentalist branch of the Church which thinks that the Bible describes the past literally. She believes that God made the world in 7 literal days around 6,000 years ago, evolution is a lie, and homosexuality is a sin. Not only that - she's said that the man she'll eventually marry must share all these beliefs. She's sort of implicitly given me an ultimatum, that unless I adopt these ideas I can't be the one for her. She didn't make this clear until around 5 months into dating.

I've talked with her so many times about it and there's simply zero room for compromise or middle ground. I tried explaining that the 7 days could represent millions of years, etc but she has never budged - I have to believe every detail exactly as she does. She's begun to pray for God to "make me into a Godly gentleman for her" (this is in front of me while I'm sitting next to her).

Another big issue is what I believe might be controlling behavior. I'm a big film buff, and she's always saying that certain movies with sex, nudity or homosexual themes bother her. Last Summer I wanted to go to the cinema to watch the movie "Carol" (on my own). When I got into town she texted me saying, "The movie kinda bothers me" and then explained that we shouldn't watch films that portray homosexuality in a positive light so we can "keep a pure mind". She'd known for days I wanted to see this movie and gave no indication that she'd have an issue so this caught me very off-guard and I was in a bit of a tight spot. Not wanting to cause conflict, I turned round and went back home. I know, I'm stupid.

There are certain other things I've done that have bothered her, which I believe are VERY normal things that millions of people do. For example, I went to Notting Hill Carnival with two uni friends last summer. It wasn't till weeks later my girlfriend tells me it really bothered her cause "that's a place single people go to to look at girls in skimpy clothing" and "that's the kinda event we should've gone to together if we were gonna get married." She was also really bothered when I briefly met a Hollywood actress at the London Film Festival last year (I asked her a question at her Q+A event). My girlfriend said, "I always put all my energy into you so it bothered me when you used some of your energy on another woman" (??). I still have no idea what she meant. She's (apparently) OK with me having female friends but not OK with me having a 30-second conversation with a Hollywood actress who's twice my age and married with kids? I was made to feel really guilty for doing something...totally normal? Right?

I know you're probably reading this thinking, "Why are you in a relationship with this person?" and that I'm an idiot. Maybe you're right. I was just so smitten early on, it made it harder to consider breaking it off once I was "in deep" learning about the full extent of her beliefs. It doesn't help that this is the first time a girl was ever interested in me beyond friendship.

Sorry for the vent. I just really wanted to talk to someone about this relationship. I'm feeling very overwhelmed with it right now.

I don’t actually think she sounds controlling, but she does have strong boundaries and beliefs she’s communicating to you.
You’re fundamentally incompatible with each other so break it off now and move on.

You’ve fallen for someone who is a fundamentalist Christian and you’re not. A long term relationship can’t possibly work. I don’t want to blame her by calling her controlling but she has a different and very firm set of values.
I’m surprised if she agreed to sex outside marriage- is this a platonic relationship?

This is incredibly unhelpful and misogynistic

You're worth more than this

If your GF wants to believe the things she does, that's entirely her choice, but trying to push those beliefs onto you, is not OK. You are your own person, you shouldn't have to change your fundamental beliefs for anyone else. Her behaviour isn't healthy and it's controlling. Your views on life don't align with hers. She sees things very black and white and can't or won't see another view point or respect it - that in itself is a huge red flag. The rest of it is small trival things, that on their own probably don't amount to much but altogether, they are all red flags of control. You need to end the relationship now. Your GF is like this after 15 months, imagine what life will look like if you married this woman or had children with her? You'll end up stuck in a miserable relationship with a woman using religion and her beliefs as a way to control and manipulate you. Run, as fast as you can.

If your 'boundaries' cause your partner to alter their behaviour around something that doesn't or shouldn't affect you, but you guilt or shame them into altering their behaviour anyway then they aren't boundaries, they are control. This woman emotionally manipulated him into not seeing a movie because it had a lesbian storyline. That's control, not boundaries.

Whatever may be the root cause of her behaviour, you are experiencing it as control.

You are not compatible and you need to get out (unless you want to buy into this cult-like belief system too).

Yeah it worrying if this isn't seen as blatant controlling behaviour. Raising kids with these beliefs has to be abusive on some level.

It's not controlling or abusive, you're just incompatible. She is absolutely deluded by the extreme religious stuff. None of it will change so it's best to just end it now.

You have very little in common and don't have any financial ties as you don't live together. Easy split which you should have made about 9 months ago.

It's taken you 10 months to realise she means what she says and won't change her beliefs for you. Stop trying to change her or allowing her beliefs to control your actions.

Dump her and go watch Carol on Netflix.

Yes she is controlling! You shouldn't have to alter what you like to do, just because her views on it don't match yours!
And I don't agree for one minute that the OP is trying to change her. He said there was no middle ground or compromise, that's the difference.
Seriously @Ahsoka2001 you really don't want to be in this position in ten years time with children. The whole of your life and those of any children you'd have would be miserable.
There's one thing having faith, but quite another when that faith is borderline fundamentalist! Find someone whose faith and beliefs match your own.
You're going to have to be honest with her.
Good luck 🍀

She sounds awful and needs to find somebody who shares her bizarre views. That's not you. Run.

How are you not seeing manipulation or control? Honestly I'm confused

You’re not compatible and the relationship will not work.

A lot of people think it's reasonable to insist your partner follows your moral code so the fact that she expects him to not watch sinful things isn't seen as the problem. They also insist their partner doesn't watch things they find distasteful, it's just they don't agree with the OP's girlfriend about what is inappropriate.

I am a very very Liberal Cof E Christian OP and I can't even have friends whose views believe in the bible in the literal sense and use it as a means to hate people. Never mind being I a relationship with them. Run to the hills my friend.

OP don't waste any more time on this relationship. Life is too short to be miserable. Move on. Best wishes x

You are not a match. You a wasting your time and energy dragging this out.
She is telling you, often, that you do not live up to her ideal.
Tell her face to face that you don't see a future, wish her luck and walk away.

You sound thoughtful and loyal, good qualities another woman would appreciate.

I've mixed in churches either these beliefs and note that the young people marry within their circle or to people from the church. I left that church and am in Cof E due to feeling I didn't stare their beliefs. You are not a match for this very reason sorry.

I don't think it's necessarily controlling or abusive but I do think you are fundamentally incompatible because of her extreme beliefs. It's never going to work between you and it's better to face that and end it now rather than waste your time if you're not going to end up together. Don't compromise your own beliefs for someone else's - you can meet someone else with more moderate beliefs that match your own. Do you belong to a church?

If you remove the religion side of it, you've got a person saying 'believe and do as I say, not as you believe'. Having a boundary means saying 'this is what I will accept, if you can't do that then we part' not 'this is what I expect, now change your behaviour and beliefs to comply'. It's textbook controlling behaviour. It's just being muddied here by the religion element and the fact she's a woman.

Agree end it

I would also agree with PP about a public place or even film yourself for protection. She sounds controlling and wants to own you so when you break up with her she could loose it.

Stay calm set break up give her some explanation and leave.

Block and get on with your life

Hi - no, I’ve never tried to change her beliefs. The passage you highlighted was about me seeking middle ground/compromise for what I believe. I was asking her if she’d accept me believing that the 7 days in the Bible could represent millions of years. Not asking her to consider that the 7 days represent millions of years.

You definitely need to end this relationship. Your girlfriend lives her life in a very, very rigid and controlled way and she will not rest until your life is as restricted as hers.

You are not going to be happy with this woman long-term and she isn't going to change, ever. You deserve a lot better than someone who can't accept you for who you are and who tries to stop you from doing the things you enjoy on the grounds that all your energy should be devoted to her. This isn't healthy at all.

I’m sorry for any misunderstanding, but I’ve never tried to change her. The “trying to find compromise” part of the OP was about me trying to find compromise with what she’d be fine with me believing. I was trying to show her what views I’d be open to but like I said she didn’t accept any of them.

Ive never gone to her and said, “Here’s why homosexuality is OK/the Earth is billions of years old and you should think this because…”