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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to kick off?

53 replies

MrsMummy00 · 27/01/2025 21:03

So this is going to sound a bit wierd. I’ve been with hubby 12 years. He’s got history of talking to women etc. we’re trying to get past it. So nothing has happened recently as far as im aware. Lately though, he’s been with this boy at work he’s quite a bit younger than him, he’s single and is on the look out for a girl. There both on TikTok, as am I and I was scrolling through lives and his mate was on live and my husband was in the chat and this mate saw I joined and said ‘oh is this your wife joined’ and my husband said yes and then this mate said oh you better be good then. I left as I was sorting the kids out but my minds racing, I’ve asked him and he’s basically said it’s just boy banter. Do you think he’s being truthful or do you think he’s up to something?

to be fair I signed in on my daughters profile and u went on it there, and I could see just general chit chat about work and stuff so I know nothing got said then but I’m thinking has he spoke to girls before on there with him is that why he’s saying it?

Aibu to kick off or take it just as banter?

OP posts:
Snowmanscarf · 27/01/2025 21:05

I think that’s just banter, and just something people say.

greengreyblue · 27/01/2025 21:05

How old is your DH? Sounds very immature. Why is he chatting to a young boy at work when he’s at home with you ? And the history of ‘ talking to women’ means what? Chatting them up?

CrestWhite · 27/01/2025 21:06

It does sound like your overthinking it, but his past will do that.

comedycentral · 27/01/2025 21:07

Why is your husband hanging out with boys? What sort of work does he do?

Original poster
MrsMummy00 · 27/01/2025 21:11

greengreyblue · 27/01/2025 21:05

How old is your DH? Sounds very immature. Why is he chatting to a young boy at work when he’s at home with you ? And the history of ‘ talking to women’ means what? Chatting them up?

Edited

This boy is 25, my husband is 34. He’s not he’s at work, this boy he works with is at home and he’s sat on TikTok live and my husband was in the chat with him and he saw I joined so he said to my husband about being good cos I was now in the chat

OP posts:
Original poster
MrsMummy00 · 27/01/2025 21:12

greengreyblue · 27/01/2025 21:05

How old is your DH? Sounds very immature. Why is he chatting to a young boy at work when he’s at home with you ? And the history of ‘ talking to women’ means what? Chatting them up?

Edited

Yeah, he had a EA when I was pregnant because we was going through a rough patch, and he’s been on dating sites etc before

OP posts:
missmollygreen · 27/01/2025 21:25

The guy is 25, why do you keep insist on calling him a boy? Bit weird.
At work it is very normal to be friends with people of all ages, it is one of the best things about work.

I think you are massively over reacting.

missmollygreen · 27/01/2025 21:26

comedycentral · 27/01/2025 21:07

Why is your husband hanging out with boys? What sort of work does he do?

He is not a boy, he is a 25 year old man. The OP is just being odd

MissUltraViolet · 27/01/2025 21:27

There's nothing to kick off about, he did nothing wrong, it's just stupid lad banter.

Meecrowahvey · 27/01/2025 21:28

Why not just have a calm conversation about it?

Original poster
MrsMummy00 · 27/01/2025 21:28

missmollygreen · 27/01/2025 21:25

The guy is 25, why do you keep insist on calling him a boy? Bit weird.
At work it is very normal to be friends with people of all ages, it is one of the best things about work.

I think you are massively over reacting.

Yes I’m not saying it’s wierd. I’m simply stating is what this guy said anything to be worried about , I’ve been here before and I don’t want him to be talking to other women behind my back . That was the point of this post, not about my husband being friends with a co worker

OP posts:
comedycentral · 27/01/2025 21:28

missmollygreen · 27/01/2025 21:26

He is not a boy, he is a 25 year old man. The OP is just being odd

Show quote history

Ahh thanks, I've just seen the update. I kind of read it like he was having some sort of weird relationship with teens at work or something 🙈

Original poster
MrsMummy00 · 27/01/2025 21:29

comedycentral · 27/01/2025 21:28

Ahh thanks, I've just seen the update. I kind of read it like he was having some sort of weird relationship with teens at work or something 🙈

Show quote history

No sorry I should of worded it right

OP posts:
comedycentral · 27/01/2025 21:33

MrsMummy00 · 27/01/2025 21:29

No sorry I should of worded it right

Show quote history

No problem, sorry for the misunderstanding, too.

I think you will never fully trust him if he has behaved inappropriately with women before. You will always question moments like this because he's broke your trust.

Original poster
MrsMummy00 · 27/01/2025 21:52

comedycentral · 27/01/2025 21:33

No problem, sorry for the misunderstanding, too.

I think you will never fully trust him if he has behaved inappropriately with women before. You will always question moments like this because he's broke your trust.

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Yeah I know this is what I said, and he said either move on or leave and he has a point. It’s just he’s never actually proved himself. Like it’s natural for all men to sit there lusting over girls online isn’t it? Not saying he has been but if he has. I don’t know trying to think of it as banter but I over think so much so who even knows anymore.

OP posts:
comedycentral · 27/01/2025 21:57

MrsMummy00 · 27/01/2025 21:52

Yeah I know this is what I said, and he said either move on or leave and he has a point. It’s just he’s never actually proved himself. Like it’s natural for all men to sit there lusting over girls online isn’t it? Not saying he has been but if he has. I don’t know trying to think of it as banter but I over think so much so who even knows anymore.

Show quote history

Of course he said move on or leave, how dare he give the ultimatum though? It's hard to move on and it's not always easy to leave, especially if you do want to work on it. I'm not sure lusting after women is what all men do, I'm certainly not on my phone lusting over men. Don't let him walk allover you.

MissUltraViolet · 27/01/2025 22:00

There's a big difference between sitting on your phone and actively looking for women to lust over and seeing a woman in the street/scrolling through tiktok and thinking "oh shes hot" and moving on. Some/most men probably do the latter, don't let him convince you of more than that.

The trust is gone, he caused that and now you're driving yourself mad questioning everything he does, even the innocent stuff, which is understandable. I wish I could tell you how you could fix it, but I can't.

Original poster
MrsMummy00 · 27/01/2025 22:07

I might be completely wrong. But it doesn’t help he works with all single people and there all younger then him. Like he’s older and has baggage if you like. I feel like he’s jealous of them iykwim. This guy definitely sits on TikTok lusting over women, and I think my husband does too, hence why he told him to be good when I joined 😔 it may be banter , it may be innocent, but why would he say it otherwise

OP posts:
Original poster
MrsMummy00 · 27/01/2025 22:08

comedycentral · 27/01/2025 21:57

Of course he said move on or leave, how dare he give the ultimatum though? It's hard to move on and it's not always easy to leave, especially if you do want to work on it. I'm not sure lusting after women is what all men do, I'm certainly not on my phone lusting over men. Don't let him walk allover you.

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Exactly this. I do want to work on it. But problem is he’s a big flirt and he’s admitted to me and everyone he likes the attention he gets and when he’s bored in our relationship and we’re rowing and not getting on, he enjoyes it even more. So I find it really hard to trust him. He does not help at all.

OP posts:
comedycentral · 27/01/2025 22:15

MrsMummy00 · 27/01/2025 22:08

Exactly this. I do want to work on it. But problem is he’s a big flirt and he’s admitted to me and everyone he likes the attention he gets and when he’s bored in our relationship and we’re rowing and not getting on, he enjoyes it even more. So I find it really hard to trust him. He does not help at all.

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He doesn't sound like a good partner to you. Can you imagine yourself putting up with this forever? Is this what you want for yourself?

MyProudHare · 27/01/2025 22:18

The trust has gone, and it doesn't sound like you're going to get it back. Is this really enough for you - a husband who has an emotional affair while you are pregnant, and chats up other women online? He sounds grim.

Original poster
MrsMummy00 · 27/01/2025 22:21

And some how he does it cos something I’ve done…it’s been because I wasn’t giving him enough attention cos I was struggling with my mh, or because I kept on nagging him, or I keep accusing him so he may aswell do it anyway, etc and then I question it, like now I’m the bad one 😔 moral of the story, we’re trying to get past everything that’s happened, does what got said tonight really sound like banter or soenthing else 😬🫣

OP posts:
unsync · 27/01/2025 22:23

MrsMummy00 · 27/01/2025 21:52

Yeah I know this is what I said, and he said either move on or leave and he has a point. It’s just he’s never actually proved himself. Like it’s natural for all men to sit there lusting over girls online isn’t it? Not saying he has been but if he has. I don’t know trying to think of it as banter but I over think so much so who even knows anymore.

Show quote history

No, it's not natural for all men, just the sleazy ones with no respect. You've set the bar so low. He's really messed with your head hasn't he? And he's admitted that he gets a kick out of it.

This is no way to live your life or a good environment in which to raise children. I really don't understand why you are still with him. He sounds dreadful. Why do you want to work on it? Is he prepared to as well? If he isn't, don't do it, you will destroy your self esteem and he will continue to treat you badly.

comedycentral · 27/01/2025 22:24

MrsMummy00 · 27/01/2025 22:21

And some how he does it cos something I’ve done…it’s been because I wasn’t giving him enough attention cos I was struggling with my mh, or because I kept on nagging him, or I keep accusing him so he may aswell do it anyway, etc and then I question it, like now I’m the bad one 😔 moral of the story, we’re trying to get past everything that’s happened, does what got said tonight really sound like banter or soenthing else 😬🫣

It sounds like he's completely eroded your self esteem. What's happened tonight is the least of your problems with him.

Original poster
MrsMummy00 · 27/01/2025 22:27

unsync · 27/01/2025 22:23

No, it's not natural for all men, just the sleazy ones with no respect. You've set the bar so low. He's really messed with your head hasn't he? And he's admitted that he gets a kick out of it.

This is no way to live your life or a good environment in which to raise children. I really don't understand why you are still with him. He sounds dreadful. Why do you want to work on it? Is he prepared to as well? If he isn't, don't do it, you will destroy your self esteem and he will continue to treat you badly.

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He is sometimes. Then I question him about soenthing and then he reminds me how much he hates being around me and hates talking to me etc. I feel like his love for me is conditional. I really do love him and I find it hard to give up on people that’s why I keep trying but sometimes I feel like I will never be the person he wants no matter how hard I try

OP posts: