Aibu to kick off?

[MrsMummy00]

So this is going to sound a bit wierd. I’ve been with hubby 12 years. He’s got history of talking to women etc. we’re trying to get past it. So nothing has happened recently as far as im aware. Lately though, he’s been with this boy at work he’s quite a bit younger than him, he’s single and is on the look out for a girl. There both on TikTok, as am I and I was scrolling through lives and his mate was on live and my husband was in the chat and this mate saw I joined and said ‘oh is this your wife joined’ and my husband said yes and then this mate said oh you better be good then. I left as I was sorting the kids out but my minds racing, I’ve asked him and he’s basically said it’s just boy banter. Do you think he’s being truthful or do you think he’s up to something?

to be fair I signed in on my daughters profile and u went on it there, and I could see just general chit chat about work and stuff so I know nothing got said then but I’m thinking has he spoke to girls before on there with him is that why he’s saying it?

Aibu to kick off or take it just as banter?

Yeah I have no confidence and id change everything about me if I could.

Nobody here can tell if you were unreasonable. You either trust your husband or you don't. If you need us to tell you whether this is a problem, you aren't actually working through the problems you had. He is acting in a way that makes you suspicious and you aren't talking with him about what's problematic about it.

This doesn't sound like a relationship where he is interested in making things better. Regardless of his intentions, carrying on in the way he is makes it clear he doesn't care.

He sounds untrustworthy, vile and like a complete manchild.

Love yourself more! And don't give him the time of day the more you question him the more he throws it in your face and actually tries to make you seem like that bad guy. Personally I wouldn't even bother id start focusing on myself and what I could be doing to better myself rather than driving myself crazy over a immature manchild who wants to have his cake and eat it.

@MrsMummy00 i haven’t read all the replies but have read your updates. i’d honestly take the colleagues comment as banter, it’s a normal jokey comment, but I totally understand your concerns.
my ex used to message other women - it’s really hard to fully regain trust. We tried. We stayed together years (I found out after he woukd still message women, much like your partner, if I’d somehow annoyed him/hadn’t shown enough attention, blah blah). I could mostly forget it, but if he suddenly became distracted with his phone I’d always wonder… or if his behaviour changed - he’d be snappy, grumpy or just a nasty bastard at times to be honest, and I realised after we split, it was always because he’d been doing something he he shouldn’t have and would take his guilt out on me. We really don’t deserve that, but I get why women find it hard to either give an ultimatum or leave, especially with children involved and finances. But i can’t say it’s a happy way to live.

you will find yourself questioning things, because he’s damaged the trust. The fact he doesn’t really try to apologise or change his behaviour really isn’t good. Only you can decide if you want to continue living with this (it doesn’t sound like he’s taking any accountability so I really don’t think he will change I’m sorry)

Listen OP, there is nothing wrong with you. The only thing you need to change is the person you're married to. If he has been on dating sites and talking to women during your marriage, and blaming it on you, he's a total arsehole. You deserve better and not all men are like this. You picked a wrong'un but you don't have to stay with him.

@MrsMummy00 I feel quite sad for you. Please don't think you are the one that needs to change. You would benefit from The Freedom Programme or reading Why Does He Do That?.

At the moment, you can't see what he's doing to you and despite all of us telling you he's a PoS, you don't see it. At some point, he will do something worse and hopefully then you will see the light.

How did you manage to break away? Like we do have good times but when we have bad times, there bad and there obviously all my fault. He’d be over the moon if I let him sit there and talk to women etc. he says I’m a control freak cos I don’t allow it.

I’ve been here before and I don’t want him to be talking to other women behind my back

Of course he's talking to other women. That's what he does. You've accepted that and stayed with him. Don't kick off, there's no point. He will carry on doing it anyway.

i do need to change. Luckily none of my kids resemble me much so they will have their looks and features of their dad. Honestly I’m a wreck and have really let myself go after the kids. Thank you I’ll give that a read, is it on Amazon?

I’ve heard this so many times and have had this said to me so many times. I wanna wake up one morning and something finally click inside so i can leave, if I could switch of my feelings I would.

Please leave him.

Doesn't matter what tonight's comment was about. He sounds my friends husband and it breaks my heart that she's stayed with him for over two decades and he's picked and picked and picked at the little self esteem she had when she met him at 20.

They're now mid 40s and everyone feels sorry for her, they pity her and what her life has become, she's lost all but two friends because he makes women feel uncomfortable, he seems to think everyone can't see the young women he follows, tik tok and Instagram he only follows and comments on young women, mostly only fans creators, we can all see his pervy comments too and they simply don't want to be around him, or deal with the repeated upset when he is caught being a perv by her again. She says she wants to see the best in him, tries to change herself to make him stop when the only thing that will stop it is getting rid of him. Hes damaged her mental health so bad she genuinely thinks all men are like this, he tells her that women who tell her otherwise are lying.

He gave her the same reasons for the nudes and sex messaging over the years, tells her it when he's doesn't give attention, when she's nagging him, and yes, he and his mates make comments like this too.

She had cancer last year and while she was having intensive chemo etc, instead of resting in hospital she was fretting he was out trying to fuck other women (and he was). She had her breasts removed and he's using that now as a reason why he has to ogle other women.

And she is so so mentally damaged by him that she won't ever leave, she feels more worthless and more self hatred than she did when she met him decades ago.

Please don't end up like my friend and waste your life giving your love to man who doesn't deserve it.

In the context of your DH being a serial cheater yes I would be worried about this. If he’s committed to working things out with you why is he having ‘banter’ with someone 9 years his junior about being ‘bad’?

Christ, @MonstroElisasue, that is so sad.

It is on Amazon, but is also widely available as a free pdf download if you Google it. The author is Lundy Bancroft.

@MrsMummy00 sorry to say but when the trust is gone the relationship is gone, if you can't forgive and forget it will always be a worry, why I would never stay in a relationship that had broken trust.

In the end, found out he was having an affair with my best friend. I’d had suspicions a long time but they both kept telling me I was paranoid 🙄 it was actually a relief because I could make him leave as he’d royally messed up.

before this, much like your partner, there’d be good times - usually after a row when I’d say I wanted to end the relationship he would guilt me by being nice, wanting to take the kids places, be the dad and father he should have, but it would only last a few days or so and he’d be back to picking faults with me, or being miserable and it being all my fault, or silent treatment.

unfortunately I didn’t think I was able to leave (before the actual affair came out) as I was the one who always did the school runs around my job, he worked longer hours. When I’d ask to split he’d make a big fuss and a scene and refuse as the house was half his and I couldn’t make him leave. I really wish I’d reached out to family or other support long before and gotten out of the relationship much earlier.

these types of men are really good at chipping away at your confidence and making you feel insecure and to blame - please don’t believe it, they are the ones in the wrong. But it did make me feel like I had no way out. I wish I’d realised sooner that it can be done, you will manage, and you will be much happier in the long run.

money is tight, but I have a lovely although low paid job, a home with my two children, and we are all much more settled without the near constant negativity and atmosphere we had been living with.

if I’m honest, I wouldn’t put a physical affair past your partner either, he’s already disrespected you, your relationship and family enough with the messaging and apps. I think they enjoy the ego boost and someone new and exciting giving them a buzz. With my ex, I think he just felt life was boring and blamed me and the kids for that and really took his resentment out on me. I can see similar in your posts I’m afraid.

I wish you all the strength, you are worth much more than he is showing you, and you deserve to be happy and treated well

No, I bet you are lovely. Try and think of yourself as a friend, what would you say to a friend in your situation?

It sounds like your gut is already telling you what’s going on, and for good reason. Your husband has a history of talking to other women, being on dating sites, and having an emotional affair when you were at your most vulnerable. Now, he’s surrounding himself with younger, single men who live for that lifestyle, and he clearly enjoys being part of their world. That comment from his mate wasn’t just “banter”—it was a knowing remark, and the fact that you felt the need to check up on him shows that deep down, you already don’t trust him.

And why would you? He’s never actually done the work to prove himself. Instead, he dismisses your concerns, calls it “boy banter,” and tells you to either move on or leave. That’s not the attitude of someone who genuinely cares about rebuilding trust. That’s the attitude of someone who wants to keep behaving however he likes while making you feel like the unreasonable one for questioning it.

The real issue isn’t whether he was speaking to women on TikTok at that exact moment—it’s that you know he enjoys the attention, you know he seeks it out whenever your relationship isn’t exciting enough for him, and you know he doesn’t respect the boundaries of your marriage. That’s why you’re always second-guessing yourself, checking up on him, and feeling like you might be overthinking—because he’s trained you to doubt your own instincts while he carries on doing what he wants.

And no, it’s not “natural” for men to sit around lusting over other women online while in a relationship. That’s just what he wants you to believe so that you’ll lower your standards and accept his behaviour as normal. But it’s not normal—it’s selfish, immature, and completely disrespectful to you.

You’ll always feel like you’re playing detective because he’ll always give you a reason to. He’s shown you who he is. The real question is, how much longer are you willing to keep living like this?

Just banter

Lad banter and your jealous.
Get a grip op not everything is about you.
And 25 is an adult not a boy.

He broke your trust and you stayed. Sadly, trust is like a glass vase, once broken you can glue all the pieces together again but it will always be cracked and prone to breaking. You’ve also implied to him by staying that you’re prepared to stay despite him abusing your trust. If you stay, the price you’ll pay is always wondering if he’s lying or cheating on you. Only way you can control the situation is to leave..trust me, I watched my mum do what you’re doing and it ate away at her, made her bitter and miserable, always doubting what he said, where he was and with who…eventually the stress of it made her ill. Don’t be like my mum, be smarter and braver..

I’d say it’s just banter, I work with lots of men and this sort of comment is normal everyday stuff

I am speechless to be honest that people are saying YOU are unreasonable??

Let's review.

Your husband finds other women to flirt with and tells you about it openly, stating that you are the problem.

Your husband engages in "banter" with other young men about sexy, young, free and single women.

Your husband gets a kick out of doing this to you repeatedly over a period of 12 years.

This man is a cheat (I don't believe for a SECOND that "flirty chatting" hasn't extended to dating or more), but even flirting deliberately with single women, repeatedly, is bad enough. You are kidding yourself.

Your man is showing (I know this word is vastly overutilised, but here it's appropriate) narcissistic and abusive behaviour. No, none of what you said is even remotely OK. And usually I would say, "Whatever you agree within the boundaries of your relationship is fine if it works for you", but this man has you ground down under his heel.

Please, please do something for yourself. I'm not going to bother to tell you to leave him (you should, by the way), but you need to find something, or some way, of regaining your boundaries and autonomy. You will continue to live a sad and lonely life with this man: force him to respect you, by any means necessary, and that starts with respecting yourself.

I wish you luck, and I really hope for your sake that your situation improves. And yes, your husband is in the wrong here, on a billion levels. 🙏